Sept. 11

Last few days have been okay. Nothing great but all around 800-900. That's easy enough for me to maintain and not feel hungry. Work isn't getting any slower, so I've been having lunch around 2:30 everyday. Things are piling up and I still feel like I haven't caught my breath. Like running 10 miles and then finding out you have a 20 mile bike ride and 25 mile swim in front of you. I don't know how triathlon athletes do it.

Breakfast
3/4C Fat Free Greek Yogurt 100
1/2C Blueberries 40
1 Tbl Chia Seeds 70

210 Cal
5g Fat
20g Protein

2.4K Walk
-100

Snack
Nectarine
50

Lunch
2C Spinach 0
1 Tomato 20
1/10 Red Onion 0
1/4C Feta 70
1/4 Cucumber 0
1 Tbl EVOO 60
1 Tbl Vinegar 5

155 Cal
12g Fat
10g Protein

Snack
Banana
100

Dinner
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4 Floret Broccoli 10
1 Tbl EVOO 60
3 Mushrooms 15
2 Tbl Light Parmesan 45

220 Cal
8g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
1C Melon
100

Total
835 Cal
25g Fat
55g Protein

Net
700

I'm never sure how many calories exactly I burn in a day. I'm quite active in the office running around so I'll usually round down to the nearest hundred. I got called 'skinny' today, almost as an insult by my nonno's psycho business partner. Friday we had a good family friend come in who said I was nothing but skin and bones. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Good, but I kinda feel like they are making fun of me in a way. Is that weird? I feel like they're lying.

Getting Worse

So, saturday was such a fucking flop. After breakfast J and I ended up having a heated discussion about how he handles stress and takes it out on me. He spent a long while working on his car and couldn't get it all fixed and it really bothered him. Afterwards I asked for coffee and something to eat before we go out and he got all frustrated because I'm so hard to feed. I ended up having to give in and eat a lentil burger at this burger shack we've tried a few times. Normally I just get a greek salad and dab most of the oil off of it but J wasn't having any of it. He's really started to keep track of my intake, he even asked me ' Do you think I'm stupid or something? I used to body build, I generally know the nutritional info of everything. ' (yeah, me too sweetheart) Anyways, so there was that, which was on a plain toasted WHITE bun (FUCKFUCKFUCK) a huge lentil patty (made in house, organic - no idea how many cals) with salsa, cucumber, bean sprouts, lettuce, tomato, pickle, and banana peppers. THEN we went out for cocktails and drinks and I ordered the marinated tofu skewers and it came out DEEP FRIED.

So yesterday I felt like shit. J and I went to the gym for 2 hours which made me feel better. I burned 400 cals on the elliptical, and then J put me through some weight training routine. He saw how much I burned on the machine and how hard I was going and said, "You haven't even eaten that much today." Now I am so fucking sore. So normally I'd be optimistic about losing some after going to the gym for that long, but in reality with all the food and booze I had over the weekend I'm probably just maintaining at 112. I had probably 1/2 of this gross recovery shake J MADE me drink, and breakfast was 1/2 orange, 1/4C walnuts and a banana. Then we went to my house for dinner with my mom and her boyfriend and I had 1/2C Brown Rice, 1/2 Tofu, sauteed veggies and soy sauce.

So whatever, it is what it is. Todays a new day. Not knowing my numbers is just anxiety-central.

Breakfast
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1 Light Mozzarella Stick 60
1/2C Spinach Basil 0

150 Cal
5g Fat
25g Protein

2.4K Walk
-100

Snack
Apple 50

Lunch
1/2C Brown Rice 150
1/2 Tofu 60
1/2 Floret Broccoli 20
4 Sauteed Mushrooms + Veggies 80
1 Stalk Celery 0
4 Tbl Soy Sauce 40

350 Cal
10g Fat
20g Protein

Dinner
1 Banana 100
2 Scoop Protein 110
3/4C Almond Milk 30
1C Frozen Berries 70

310 Cal
2g Fat
28g Protein

Total
860 Cal
17g Fat
70g Protein

Hopefully this is enough of a 'recovery' day. So I can stretch it all out on the matt tomorrow with fresh muscles and a clear mind. I've got another serving of carbs, high protein and lots of veggies and fruit + fibre. I barely slept last night either, so now I feel even more like shit. Here's hoping I can make it through the day with the evil-bat.

At J's

I woke up this morning after a bottle if wine to my face to face the scale. 112 pounds. Another new low. So close to 110, but I start to feel like I'm 'deserving' of a binge. As if its some treat I've earned, ugh how gross is that?

Breakfast was
2 egg whites
1 whole egg
1 tsp EVOO
1/8 Onion
1/4C Spinach
3 Tbl Salsa

About 175 Cal

I'm still hungry but there's no food at J's because he's a guy. I really just need some coffee to solve this problem. Luckily I don't feel hungover I drank over the course of 6 hours, starting with a tasting at work.

I'm so so close. This means I've lost 15 lbs in 2.5 months. Just 2 more pounds to go until I've hit my UGW. Anything under 110 is sublime. Id live to see 101 on the scale. Who knows though. Just gotta take things one day at a time.

Love always,
Xoxo

Sept 5

Breakfast

1/4C Egg Beaters 30
1/2C Egg Beaters (cheese & chive) 70
1/2 WW English Muffin 60
2 Light Laughing Cow Cheese 50

210 Cal
6g Fat
22g Protein

2.4K Walk
-100

1 Light Gatorade
45 Cal

Lunch
2C Spinach 0
1/2 Avocado 100
1/4C Chickpeas 55
1/2 Pepper 5
1/5 Cucumber 0
1/12 Red Onion 0
2 Tbl Light Hummus 40
2 Tbl Vinegar 10

210 Cal
8g Fat
12g Protein

Snack
1/2C Strawberries
50

Dinner
2C Romaine Lettuce 0
1/12 Red Onion 0
.75 Tbl EVOO 60
1/2 Pepper 5
1/4 Black Beans 55
2/3 Fake Ground Veggie Meat 160
1/6 Cucumber 0
1/2C Cherry Tomatoes 30
Cilantro & Green Onion 0
1/4C Corn 35

345 Cal
10g Fat
30g Protein

Total
860 Cal
24g Fat
64g Protein

Net Intake
760 Cal

I woke up this morning with such a nice flat stomach because I was up last night b/ping chocolate and carbs and managed to get rid of my dinner as well. Which was really just tofu and a portobello mushroom but whatever. Back on track today and feeling pretty good. I'm going to make it to 110 soon. I'm going to yoga tomorrow after work which I'm really looking forward to. Plus then I feel better about going to J's and getting naked if I've just worked out and not been a lazy slob.

So much has been going on at work. It's insane. I'm exhausted by the time I come home, but the good thing is that means I'm burning calories right? :) Running around all day, hopped up and moving cases of wine to and from the cantina with my Nonno is definitely excercise.

Sept 3

Today I totalled 660 Cals. I walked to work (2.4k) and am pretty active all day at the office running around, squatting to get files, drinking an espresso or two to keep my energy levels up and my metabolism going. I'm too lazy to type out my daily break down. But my net intake is probably around 500.

I just finished planning tomorrows meals, but today I didn't bother pre-planning. I just mentally tallied up each meal before I made it and kept track as the day went along. Spinach omelette, 2 plums, 1 can of light vegetable minestrone, 1 peach, and veggie stir-fry with brown rice.

Work is getting more and more stressful. I don't want to get too into it but there's pretty much a target on my back because I'm a threat. I'm smart, and I'm in a strong position and I am good at what I do and know how to work in this business. Some shady stuff has been going on, and hopefully I'm dead wrong but that still wouldn't change the circumstances very much. 

I feel like I'm on the edge of so many things. Yes things are crazy, and stressful and at times I feel like I can't catch my breath. But I'm excited, and I know big things are coming down the pipeline. All this talk about moving, and where I see myself going career wise, relationship wise, weight wise, all excites me. I'm imagining what my life could be like and it is so vivid. It's giving me direction. But like the typical Doubting Debby that I am, I worry that it will fall apart, or that I'm just getting my hopes up. I'm trying to stay grounded, and maybe this is just my way of coping; by going off into dream land when life gets too tough. But I hope everything comes together just the way I envision it.

I got a blood test on Thursday and it actually looks like I'm pretty good! I showed my mom my results online, after prescreening them of course, so she could help me translate as she used to be a RN, and my thyroid hormones are in the normal range, almost low but still good. All my blood levels are where they should be. The only thing the test flagged was my Iron count, which was no surprise being a vegetarian. So I'll stop by the health foods store this week for some Ferrin, and more of my multi-B vitamins. My mom said this is the healthiest she's ever seen me. I'd like to believe that. But only you guys know the truth.

110....110....110....110 I'll weight myself at J's house on Saturday morning.

Long-Weekend Recap

Well I thought I would do okay this weekend, and for the most part I did. I stayed within my safe foods and tried to eat balanced, though I know I haven't gotten enough protein yet. Mornings I was having a Tim Hortons Breakfast sandwich on multigrain bagel and egg white patty with no meat or cheese, just tomato and lettuce. Lunch was a veggie salad with a few olives from Subway. Dinners were a bit harder... The first night we went out for dinner with J's buddy from University and I got the Organic In-House Made veggie burger and salad. The healthiest thing I could get without meat. Turns out the bun wasn't whole grain (freak out) and after I had a few bites, I checked out the bun and forgot to say dry... the whole thing was drenched in mayo. So I discreetly tried to scrape it off and then move the bun out of the way as I took each bite, so I was only getting the patty. Eventually the thing fell apart and I used a knife and fork to eat the patty, but in total probably ate about 1/4 of the bun and maybe 1Tbl of Mayo.

There was also a lot of drinking involved... And I thought I'd be okay because although alcohol stops your body from processing anything (especially fat) and stores it, my diet hadn't had much fat in it. But I ended up getting pretty drunk the first night and payed for it the next day. In the morning, the hosts girlfriend made raspberry blueberry waffles.... FUCK ME. I had one small one, a little banana and berries on top with no sauce or whip cream which was available... Then J pushed a yogurt to my plate and I knew I needed the protein and it was fat free so I added more banana and had that. We went out on the boat that day and I managed to get away from food saying I was too hungover, and being a vegetarian because all the sandwiches they brought had meat in them. So I basically ate a whole veggie platter, without the dip, to my face. Except for the raw broccoli because that's nasty, so celery and baby carrots. Dinner was going to be steaks... So J and I went to the grocery store to get food for everybody and I got 2 portobello mushrooms which I marinated, an edamame salad and green salad. Then two Jack & Gingers (my weakness) and bed.

This morning I had another Tim Hortons Breakfast Sandwich on whole grain with egg white and no cheese or meat. I was tallying them up at around 350 cal but I couldn't check anywhere because my phone battery was dead so I was mildly freaking out. I just got home now and checked it out online, and the info is limited but the freaking whole grain bagel is 330 cal ALONE! So the whole thing was probably around 375 cal, but still... Lunch I had another salad from subway exactly the same, two orange light gatorades (44 cal each) probaby 1 cup of cashews, and dinner was greek salad from this pub bar we stopped at. Really not sure where I stand right now but I definitely feel like I've gained some. I did love that I was the skinniest girl out of the group, and the girls there were in pretty good shape, not model thin or anything but you know. J kept staring at my ribs and monitoring my food some, encouraging me to eat some, which worries me but he can't force me to do anything.

Tomorrows going to have be a recovery day. I'm dead dog tired after a 24 hours of driving in 3 days and I have to be up for work in 7 hours. Realistically I won't have it in me to go to yoga tomorrow because I already know I'm about to get in shit at work because I lost my brains and forgot to send in this form. It got sent in by someone else, but my Nonno's business partner is PISSED and using every opportunity she gets to make me look stupid. My short term memory has just been fucked lately. I've got way too much on my mind, and doing way too much at once... Things haven't slowed down and while J and I both needed to get out of the city, this trip was just exhausting. Wednesday I'll go to hot core yoga again.

J and I also had a bit of a conversation about moving to this place we went and visited. He can make a lot more money there and the housing costs are insanely cheap, whereas where we live currently they are just astronomical. Absolute dumps for millions of bucks, it's ridiculous. It's giving me a bit of anxiety, just because I don't know exactly how that would all work, with the company I work for, and timing etc. And J and I haven't had any conversations about some 5 year plan or anything, or what our lives together would look like and how we'd make it work. We'll see what happens and I'll have to do some research but it wouldn't be for a few years anyways.

110....110...110... I'm going to get there, just a few more pounds.

Chanel your Zen

Just got back from  yoga and feeling pretty good. I needed to force myself on the mat to forget about all of the mistakes I've made over the past two days, eating wise. Provided, most ( I fucking hate that word..) was purged up, but nonetheless my strength was conquered and I need to build myself up again. I drank 3 cups of detox tea last night, and 3 cups this morning to help mooove things along, I think I'll finish off my dinner here with some more, just for safe measures.

Here's today:

Breakfast
Detox Tea

Veggie Frittata
1C Egg Beaters 120
1/4C Part Skim Mozza 70
1/4C Zucchini 5
1/2 Floret Broccoli 20
1/12 Red Onion 0
1/2 Portabello 10

215 Cal
7g Fat
30g Protein

Apple 50

Kale-Berry Detox Smoothie
1C Kale 0
3/4C Frozen Berries 70
3/4C Vanilla Almond Milk 30
1 Frozen Banana 100

200 Cal
3g Fat
4g Protein

Lunch
1 Tomato 25
1/2C Cucumber 0
1/2 Avocado 100
1/2 Pepper 5
1/4C Light Feta 70
1/12 Red Onion 0
Basil & Lemon Juice 0

200 Cal
12g Fat
14g Protein

Walk to & From Yoga Studio
-300 Cal (HUGE hill)

1.5 Hours Hot Core Yoga
-550 Cal

Dinner
1/4C WW Rice 75
1 large Carrot 20
1/8C Zucchini 5
1/12 Red Onion 0
1/2 Pepper 5
5 Stalks Asparagus 20
1/2C Green Beans 35
1/2 Tbs EVOO 40
Grated Ginger 0
2 Tbl Low-Sod Soya 20
Cayenne 0

220 Cal
6g Fat
10g Protein

Total
885 Cal
28g Fat
58g Protein

Burn
-850 Cal

Net Intake
-35 Cal

J called me and said no more trip this weekend. At least not to this particular city with his best friend. We'll see if we go somewhere else, I'm kinda bummed I was really looking forward to getting out of here for a while. If it's anywhere I'm in a bikini I need to have more days like today. For whatever reason I've had my period for 10 days now. According to clinic doc it's from my BC which I think is bullshit so I'm going for a blood test tomorow.

Hope all you lovelies are doing well and staying on track! I'm always here for a lovely chat :)

love always,

115 Purge-Over

I did it, I finally made it to my goal weight guys. 115 lbs. I weighed myself at J's house, after we had a big breakfast and before a BM and I was 115 on the nose. I was happy, and proud, and joyful.... but the moment is fleeting. Because I know in my heart that it's still not enough. Anything under 115 is an underweight BMI for me. That's where I want to be. 110 is where I want to be now, 110 it's an obsession. One's and Zero's how beautiful. Nothing but number one. Maybe once I reach that goal I'll want to be 101 lbs. Could I even get there?

I look at myself now, and I can see myself as smaller, as a whole with my clothes on. When I take them off and isolate my body parts they morph into pure fat. My thighs, my ass, my saddlebags, my under arms, all of it. Yesterday J told me he could tell that I've lost weight. I didn't tell him how much. But the last time I properly weighed myself on that same scale was 6 weeks ago and I was 125. I lost 10lbs in a month and a half. It seems like a long ass time, doesn't it?

So what did I do to celebrate? Oh, I made a cheese pizza of course! Hand made crust, with 4 different cheese spread to crust. Purged it back up as soon as I was done. I also spent all day today binging and purging on all sorts of things. It's left me with A purge-over. The feeling of a purging hangover lol.

I need to put an end to this now, and get myself back on track. Being at this 115 mark makes me feel like I'm at a cross roads. The tipping scale between underweight and average. Do I maintain or keep diving under? I want to go lower. 110 is where I want to be next.

Next weekend is a long weekend here, so J and I are going on a 14 hour road trip to another city, to stay with his best friend/cousin who lives on a lake. I need to keep my numbers down so I can look decent in a bikini, and atone for any sort of gain that might occur over that time period.

Skipping Yoga

I hate myself when I skip yoga, but lately I just don't have the energy. Like today for example. I have all this pent up energy and aggression but my body is so exhausted. It's all in my mind, I have to make myself do it. I never know what's safe when I skip a work out either. My calculations are all off and I feel... off balance.

Breakfast
1/2C Egg Beaters 60
1/2 Whole Grain Weight Watchers English Muffin 60
2 slices light laughing cow cheese 50
1C Spinach 0

170 Cal
4g Fat
15g Protein

2.4K walk to work
-100 Cal

Lunch
1/C Cherry Tomatoes 25
1 Red Pepper 10
1/4 Cucumber 0
1/2 small Avocado 100
1/4C Light Feta 70
1 Tbl Vinegar 5

210 Cal
11g Fat
10g Protein

Snack
1/2C Blueberries

40 Cal
0g Fat
0g Protein

Dinner
1/2C Chickpeas 105
1C Green beans 50
1/4C Peas 40
1C Tomatoes 50
1/2 Tbl EVOO 40
1 Stalk Celery 0
1/8 Red Onion 0
Sambal 0
Cilantro 0
Garlic 0

285 Cal
9g Fat
15g Protein

Total
705 Cal
25g Fat
42g Protein

Net Intake
605 Cal

Harder, Better, Smaller, Faster

Today is a better day. I've been skipping dinners and meals because I've been so stressed. It's been working in my favour. I can clearly see all of my ribs when I stand without stretching. My thighs don't touch at all. And Honour Regzig if you are still around - I haven't lost my tits!

J and I worked things out. It's still pretty rocky and scary but we're committed to making it work and I really needed to hear that. I went over to drop off gluten-free banana bread that I made for his mom and things were really really weird but after talking late at night on the phone I feel so much better. I promised myself that if he wasn't through with me right there in that moment that I would give up gangja. The way I see it - it would have eventually caught up with me. If I kept smoking he would have found out theres no doubting that, if we move in together I would have to quit anyway, and realistically I don't see myself smoking for my whole life so it's really inevitable.

Tonight I'm going to to Andrews house and I have my black bikini ready. Well almost, I still have to find my bottoms around here somewhere. I'm not even an ounce nervous to see him. I just want to hit that reset button, thats how I feel when I'm with Andrew. This week has been so stressful I know I need some down time with someone I can do ANYTHING in front of, you know? Just not have to worry.

Anyway, right now I'm eating my breakfast omlette: 3/4C Egg beaters, 1/4C Part-skim Mozza, Spinach and sauteed onions Total: 225 Calorie 12g Fat 25g Protein. Don't really have much in the house for lunch so I'm hoping I can get away with snacking on fruit strategically timed throughout the day. Lately my Nonno (who I work with) has been wanting to have big sit down lunches in the meeting room and preparing things for everyone. I usually cop out and just have my pre-made salad but I'll eat with them. If I have nothing they will make me eat something. I'll have to pull some tricks out of my sleeve. But I know I won't eat. Not with being in a bikini later tonight. I'd rather die. Then probably a smoothie for dinner since it'll be a bit later and I'm lazy and it's quick. I'll post pics tomorrow if I feel brave. That will hopefully be enough to keep the binge away tonight after a sudden release of stress.

Barely

Currently eating anywhere between 600-1300 calories and burning a minimum of 200ish every day by walking to/from work. (2.4k each way) plus atleast one yoga class. I weighed myself at J's house and he has one of those analog scales with the pointer thingy and I'm not quite convinced it works but he swears if you set it to zero then it's correct. Anyways, it said somewhere like 117/118. Kinda in between the 115 half mark and 120. I'm almost 5ft6. The lowest I've ever seen it. So far. Once I hit under 115 I'm officially considered "underweight." J and I are doing pretty well. Or atleast we have been... Seeing his hometown and meeting his family went well and our vacation was beautiful. We've been talking ("down the road") about moving in together, and he's currently trying to find a place to buy. My thought is that once that purchase goes through he'll soon after ask me to move in. Right now his parents are in town and it's giving both of us a ton of stress. Last weekend he found more pot in my room and even though I thought that he knew I was still doing that to help balance my adrenal gland disorder (basically adrenaline/norepinephrine coursing through you all day) he apparently didn't. So it kinda blew his mind and he had a serious crisis of faith and I swear we nearly broke up. That was on Saturday night. We're still reeling and I can barely even get him to speak to me on the phone. He told me he loved me once today. But when I called him his voice was so full of spite and callouss I apologized for being a bother and that I'd let him go. He softened up some but I'm sick with worry about this. My nonno and his business partner got back from a 1 month trip to Italy yesterday and today was their first day back. Fuck me I had forgotten how much I hated going into that office with her. Oh, and by the way... I made plans with Andrew this week after he initiated communication. There may or may not have been mention of a hot tub session on his deck. I would never do anything to cheat on J, but is it totally wrong I want to get into a bikini and make my ex fucking drool? Isn't that everyones dream?

Small.

I'm here. I'm the smallest I've ever been. I'm here...

May 1st, 2013

We're getting ready to fly to Punta Cana a week from today and I have so much preparing to do. I have to go get my passport on Monday and hopefully there are no problems there otherwise I won't be able to go... I'm getting the works done at all my favourite parts and now I need to plan my wardrobe. I bought so many cute outfits online but I don't think that they will be here in time. So I went shopping this afternoon, and bought a few new dresses that are family-friendly and adorable for when I have dinner with J's parents, and his entire family back in his home town.

Here's one of the dresses I bought, both in size 2.

I had the day off from work yesterday, and I was sent home at about 11:00 today because they knew I was still sick. So today I went and ran all my little errands that I've been meaning to do and it feels good to get all that shit done. While I was getting my bc scrip refilled I went to check my bp on one of those machines and now those things can calculate your weight, your bmi, fat %, bp, heart rate, etc! I wanted to actually weigh myself, since my scales been all sorts of weird lately. I am officially 128 lbs. Which is weirdly high for how thin I am. I have been lower than 128 before and I look thinner than 128. The only explanation is that my fat % has lowered, and therefore my muscle is toning up and muscle weighs more than fat. I still wish that number was 10 lbs lighter. I'll keep working towards that. I haven't been able to go to yoga at all yet because of this damn flu. It set on so quick and luckily my mom gave me some of this awesome multi-vit drops for tea and they are a miracle, and all natural. It's called Airborne, and I highly recommend it!

On the left is a picture of me on my university student card, January 2012. On the right is a picture of me I took on the weekend at a hotel while I was on a business trip.

It's been hard to eat and keep a solid routine the last few days because of this flu, but so far today has been:

1/2 a berry, banana & almond milk smoothie 200 cals - 100 cals

2 C Spinach 0
2 Stalks Celery 0
1/2 Green & Yellow Pepper 20
1/2C Chickpeas 105
1/2 Avocado 100
20 Almonds 150
1/4C Light Feta 70
3 Tbl Vinegar 15

460 Cal

1 Mango 100 Cals

love always,
loveylou

April 23rd

I'm still here! Don't you worry I'm not going anywhere... except for Punta Cana in 2 weeks!! J and I went bathing suit shopping on the weekend and I managed to get through it without crying, and pleased with the results I saw but obviously praying that certain parts will vanish by the time they're in the Dominican Republic Sun. I came home tonight and my mom bought pistaccios and they are my absolute favourite, so I immediately grabbed the bag and put them in the garbage. Opened them, poured dish soap all over it, tied up the bag and put it in the trash. It makes me a bit sad thinking about it now because I so wish I could have some, but I'm also proud of myself for making that decision. Weird?

I've gotten to the part now where I know the general nutritional break down of everything I consume, and all of my usual meals. I still mentally tally up calories for each meal and rough estimate my days but I'm not so focused on it any more. I don't have the mental capacity for it. Work is eating me up alive. I love it, and I'm getting better and faster at it. I keep all my meals around 200ish cals, and let one meal be the biggest of the day, so up to 400ish. In which case I'll have a detox smoothie (kale, apple, lemon juice, coconut water, celery) because it's so low cal and flushes everything out of you to make up for the extra calories. I'm going to yoga regularly now, I absolutely love it. I make sure I go twice a week, but I always aim for 3. It hasn't happened yet, things keep getting in the way. I went today, and walked home afterwards burning an extra 150 calories. (I google mapped my root and then calculated cals burns)

This weekend I'm going with my Nonno to a Wine Festival out of town for a night. I'm so excited to go, its a black tie event with a very detailed whisky scotch tasting. But obviously the disordered in me is only thinking about food options. Would it be too weird if I brought all my own food? Will I be for SURE forced to eat a dinner out with my Nonno and possibly even some of his business acquaintances? Probably. I'll bring up all my own food, we're going in the morning so I can bring my own breakfast for the ferry ride, and lunch for the way there. But he might want to stop to get lunch as well... I can always get a subway salad, even though those are just filled with nitrates but hey, it's low cal. Then dinner will be the tricky part. Then breakfast the next morning, which I can just get an apple or something on the ferry and then go from there. Problem is that I will end up at J's that night. So that means I need to plan and cook a delicious and low cal dinner that he will enjoy.

I can feel my shoulder bones, like the tops and it's thrilling. My thighs are much slimmer, there's about a two finger gap at the top when my knees are bent and touching. When I lie on my side to watch tv on my computer it's actually quite uncomfortable because all my weigh is on my ribs. And they just out just so, so I have to prop myself up with a pillow. I'm pretty good at hiding the weight loss though. I don't want to spend money on new clothes just yet, plus I"m in so much debt as is. So I've been wearing my mothers clothes for work and she's a size 2/4 and a lot of that stuff is falling off of me. But because it's baggy no one really sees. I'll try and remember to take an update photo tomorrow morning. I got the morning off of work to go get my passport expressed because I still haven't done that yet and I'm starting to freak out. 15 more days until I leave.. 17 until we are in Punta Cana. It's coming so quick!!

The Diet Documentary Continues!

I'm sorry it's been a few weeks since my last posts. Work became crazy busy and between the stress of that and the non-existent free time I've had with yoga, and other commitments I just didn't have the time to write. And I'll be honest, I totally stayed away from clean eating for a few days here and there, but I'm totally back on track now and with lots of updates!

First, I weighed in this morning at 122.4 lbs!! But when I was at my boyfriends this weekend, I weighed myself on his scale and it told me 117 lbs! I know mine has been broken for a while, I just assumed it's been reading a weight with the second digit one higher than it should be, (so this morning it actually read 123.4 lbs) so now I have no idea what my actual weight is, but I'm somewhere in and around there. Which I'm happy about, thought I would looove to know that number!!

Obviously I spent the weekend at J's, but it was the first time in 2 weeks so it was great being together again. We did fight quite a bit just before I left though. It all worked out though. He met my fathers girlfriend (who is the same age as J) for the first time and I'm just over it. Whatever. I was just still on a high about the fact that over the weekend J said I have "delicate vegetarian ribs!" He actually called my rib cage delicate. And when he came over for dinner on Monday night (my sisters birthday) and I told him about the yoga classes I was going to that week he said, "Geeze baby, what do you have some target bathing suit or something your aiming for? Aren't you done?" Which again, just made me feel that much more empowered.

It's strange though, even though I can see on the scale and by the way clothes are fitting, that I'm losing weight, but to me I could swear I'm gaining it! My stomach doesn't seem to be getting any smaller, and I just keep hating the shape of it more and more. But yet a pair of size 2 black slack work pants that I wore last week that needed to be above the ridge of my hip, now sit loosely on my hip bones. I can see that, but it just doesn't seem to reflect.

Me!

love always,

loveylou

Diet Documentary Day 26

Breakfast

3/4C Egg Beaters 90

2 Light Laughing Cow Cheese 50

140 Cal
3g Fat
20g Protein

Snack
1/2C Strawberries 25

Lunch
2C Spinach 0
8 Cherry Tomatoes 40
1/2C Black Beans 100
1/2 Pepper 10
1tsp Olive Oil 40
1 Tbl Vinegar 5

195 Cal
10g Fat
12g Protein

1.5 Hours Vinyassa
(-450)

Dinner

1/2C Brown Rice 150

1 Floret Broccoli 40

1 Portabello 15

1 Carrot 20

2 Tbl Soy Sauce 20

1 Tbl Vinegar 5

1 Tbl Equal 0

1 tsp olive oil 40

290 Cal

7g Fat

6g Protein

Total

650 Cal

20g Fat

38g Protein

Net Intake

200 Cal

Today was a really low day. I meant to include an apple in my breakfast but I forgot it at home, so I munched on strawberries once I got to work. Then I meant to grab a banana before my yoga class but I forgot about that too since I had to rush to make it on time. But I did it! It was such a great class, I worked up a huge sweat and I feel purified. Tina came over for a bit yesterday unexpectedly while I was making dinner, which was great to see her. The unexpectedness mixed with the unprepardness of the rest of the day kinda made me feel anxious. I ended up binging on an apple, a banana, and an entire box of blueberry flaxseed digestive cookies... all of which I purged. So today I'm feeling particularly weak.

Diet Documentary Day 24+25

April3 Menu April4 Menu

Breakfast 8:00 Breakfast 8:00

3/4C Greek Yogurt 100 3/4C Egg Beaters 90

1/2C Strawberries 25 1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80

1 Banana 100 1/2 Floret Broccoli 20

1 Portabello 15

225 Cal 1 tsp Olive Oil 40

1g Fat

20g Protein 255 Cal

14g Fat

Lunch 1:00 27g Protein

2C Spinach 0

1 Stalk Celery 0 Lunch 1:00

1/2C Cucumber 0 1C Spinach 0

5 Cherry Tomatoes 25 20 Cherry Tomatoes 100

1/2 Pepper 10 1 Pepper 15

1/4C Corn 35 1/4 Cucumber 0

1/2C Black Beans 100 1/4C Light Feta 70

3 Tbl Italian 15 1 tsp Olive Oil 40

1 Tbl Vinegar 5

255 Cal

2g Fat 230 Cal

20g Protein 14g Fat

10g Protein

Snack 5:45

Grapefruit 50 Snack 6:45

Grapefruit 50

Dinner 7:00

1/2C Brown Rice 150 Dinner 7:30

1 Floret Broccoli 40 1 Scoop Protein Powder 110

1 Portabello 15 1 Banana 100

1 Carrot 20 1 Tbl Cinnamon 0

2 Tbl Soy Sauce 20 1 tsp Vanilla extract 0

1 Tbl Vinegar 5

1 Tbl Equal 0 250 Cal

1 tsp olive oil 40 5g Fat

27g Protein

290 Cal

7g Fat Total

6g Protein 785 Cal

33g Fat

Total 64g Protein

820 Cal

10g Fat

46g Protein

I knew enough to trust my gut, J knew about the pot. I decided yesterday to come clean, though I only admitted to smoking recently, with the stress of this new job and what not. I was so scared I was shaking so hard. He was really kind about it, and accepted it really well. It put all my nerves at ease when he said, 'I love you more than anything int his world, I want to have an honest relationship with you'. 

I haven't done any excercise all week, except for that walk on Tuesday, and I need to try harder to include more. The new schedule at my yoga studio does not jive with my work schedule so maybe I'll have to try some new classes! I'm going to check out a hot yoga class at the same place and see how I do. I'll have update photos for tomorrows post as well!

I weighed in this morning at 122.8 

love always,

loveylou

Diet Documentary Day 23

It was a hard road back to organized eating once I gave myself a freebie. I managed to keep it all under control, and yes I did purge a few times. (though not enough, in my opinion...) I would go all day without eating, or skip breakfast and then eat a mid-afternoon meal, feel too full and que binge. I always seem to binge after I see J. I chalk it up to how calm and happy I feel that I just don't give a hoot about counting calories. Plus, I usually eat less when I'm with him, because he sees me naked, so when I come home I'm a lot more hungry than usual. As well, I end up getting really stoned because when I'm with J I'm with him for a few days, and that means no pot.

Anyways, yesterday was magical with J. We had the most incredible sex ever! We hadn't seen each other for over a week and I'm fairly certain that's the longest we've ever been apart since we started dating. We stopped by a health foods grocer and had a picnic on the beach in this semi-secluded little cove just before sunset. As J is about to drop me off, he asks to come in to use the bathroom. Luckily I had somewhat cleaned up a bit and hid my marijuana-paraphinilia but there was clear evidence everywhere in my room. My bathroom is right next to my room, and I forgot to clean up an open bobby pin I use to pick out my bowls. It was somewhat hidden underneath this little container thing but it's giving me a ton of anxiety. J was acting kinda weird when he came back down, but I can't tell if it was just because he wasn't feeling well. I didn't question or push him on it because if it was what I was afraid of, I would have had no choice but to come clean. I'm really hoping this is just all in my head and I'm over analyzing and over reacting but my gut tells me something a little different.

Today was the first day working on my own at the office with my Grandfather. I watched him sign a multi-million profit deal with a european company for an international import/export business. Not bad for a Tuesday; eye-popping for a first day. I was really nervous about making a mistake but both him and his business partner seem to understand that 1 week is not adequate training and so they are still guiding me which is great. However, we have these frank conversations about me taking on more responsibilities and trying to absorb our contractors hours because she's being grossly over payed. I'm making huge life career-making, family-breaking decisions at 21 while hiding an eating disorder and a drug crutch to mask high-anxiety and controlling type behaviors all while STILL lying to my boyfriend about being a university student, living at home, and in debt. With shit like this happening it just makes me seriously consider not going back to school. I did force myself to send in my applications just under the deadline, which I'm relived about.

Here's what today looked like.

Breakfast
1/2C Kale 0
1 Apple 50
1 Banana 100
2C Water

150 Cal
1g Fat
2g Protein

Lunch

Lunch! :)

2C Spinach 0
5 Cherry Tomatoes 25
1/2C Cucumber 0
1 Stalk Celery 0
1/4C Chick Peas 85
15 Almonds 100
1/2C Strawberries 25
1/2 Orange Peper 10
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
2 Tbl Vinegar 10

295 Cal
15g Fat
15g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Dinner
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80
1/2C Broccoli 10
1/2C Spinach 0
Basil, Oregano, Pepper 0

180 Cal
7g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
1/2C Pineapple 50

Total
725 Cal
23g Fat
42g Protein

I needed a low day to gain back some control and shrink my stomach to proper size. I went to yoga today only to find out as soon as I got to the studio that today is the first day of their new spring/summer schedule, so now my yoga class is moved to right when I finish work! Such a bummer, I might have to start going to hot yoga, although I'm seriously concerned I'd faint. I have had heart troubles for a few years now because I have hyperthyriodism disorder. Anyways, I walked home which was 16 blocks up hill and then spent another hour cleaning my bathroom and room after the scare with J. I'm going to do some sit ups before bed as well.
love always,
loveylou

solo un po di vino...

Yeah, just a little bit of wine...right. Last night was a crazy blur but I loved every minute of it. It was so good to see Giacomo and reminisce about everything in Italy, and hear about how everyone is doing. It makes me want to go back too much. We took him to one of our favourite bars in the middle of nowhere and got drunk off of wine and jager shots.

Anyways, you may have noticed todays post is not a diet documentary. Heres why: I'm afraid that over planning and sticking to my routine will cause me to rebel against it, as I would feel trapped and that the control has been taken away from me. So today is a freebie day, and while I absolutely hate using that term, because really there are no such days, I realize that it's necessary. I'm incredibly hungover and while I'm not binging, I am eating when I'm hungry but not paying attention to calories or numbers or anything like that. For that reason, I'm not going to post everything I've consumed today because I'll just end up obsessing about it and I know it will lead to a bad binge. Tomorrow will resume the documentation.

Diet Documentary Day 22

Fuck me, I binged again last night. Purged up virtually everything I ate yesterday (which was only the salad and a grapefruit) and traded it for a lemon blueberry muffin (probably around 400 cal) which was the last thing I ate and didn't purge. I need to get better control. Tonight will be a challenge because I'm going out drinking with my friends. Giacomo will be coming and I'm so excited to see him!! I can't drink a lot because I just realized that I have to work tomorrow from 1-5, which is a bummer. I got a good long sleep last night though and I'm feeling a bit better.

Breakfast
Green Tea 0

3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella80
3 Mushrooms 15
1/2 Pepper 5
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
Spinach Basil 0

220 Cal
14g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Dinner
2.5C Almond Milk 100
1 Scoop Choco Vega Protein 110

210 Cal
10g Fat
15g Protein

Tonight I'll be going out with all of my girlfriends to one of our favourite bars and Giacomo is going to come with us! I'm really excited to see him, and all my friends who came in from out of town Universities that are home for Easter will be there too! I've got a cute outfit already planned.

I tried on the skirt I wore the night I met J, I remember weighing myself that morning at 124.5, and the skirt fits. My scale tells me I'm 10 pounds heavier because somethings wrong with the digital thingy so that puts me in at 123.6. Thats the lowest I've been in almost a year. I'm so friggin close! I just can't ruin it all tonight with a drunken stoned binge. I already went half a day without eating today, and all day yesterday without eating anything proper so I know my body is going to be weak unless I fuel up today. Plus all of the unnecessary drinking calories.. ugh. I'm going to stick to wine though. It's always just seemed the most natural to me, and the most 'natural' form of drinking, since it's essentially grape juice. I'll consider it work research :)

Diet Documentary Day 21

Because of all the purging last night, I think my body is rebelling back. I've been treating it fairly well over the last 21 days and it's strong enough to fight me when I mistreat it. Well. I had my green tea w/ lemon this morning as usual, but after I had just one sip of the same green smoothie recipe I had yesterday I starting getting really dizzy and thought I was going to vomit. I threw up so much stomach acid... Anyways I felt awful for the rest of the day, and extremely tired because I need the caffeine from my usual 5 cups of green tea to keep me going all day. I managed to still have a few cups but I skipped breakfast and lunch, as well as yoga. Luckily tomorrow I have off but I am helping prepare Easter dinner because my grand mother hasn't been well for the last year.

Dinner
2C Spinach 0
1 Stalk Celery 0
1/2C Chickpeas 130
1/3 Cucumber 0
3/4C Strawberries 40
1/4C Light Feta 70
1 Orange Pepper 10
1/4 Avocado 50
15 Almonds 100
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
2 Tbl Vinegar 10
Basil, Roasted Garlic 0

450 Cal
18g Fat
29g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Making today's total 500 flat. I'm going to try and cap myself off there and then plan a well balanced day tomorrow, along with some light cardio on my elliptical. I had to tell J that I had the stomach flu and wouldn't make it to Easter dinner most likely. Because I'm worried my grand father will say something about me not being in school and working at the office all day. And I'm really nervous about J and Mel meeting. Mel is my fathers girlfriend, who is the same age as J: 27. I am turning 22 in June. You do the math.

Diet Documentary Day 21

Breakfast
Green Tea w/ Lemon 0

1 Banana 100
1C Kale 0
1C Water 0
1 Apple 50
1/2 Lemon Juice 0
1/4C Pineapple 25

175 Cal
1g Fat
3g Protein

Lunch
2C Spinach 0

1 Stalk Celery 0

1 Slice Onion 0

5 Cherry Tomatoes 25
1/2 Orange Pepper 10
1/4C Chickpeas 70
1/4C Light Feta 70
15 Almonds 100
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
2 Tbl Vinegar 10

255 Cal
20g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
1/2 Cantaloupe 50

Dinner
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part Skim Mozzarella 80
3 Mushrooms 15
1 Tbl Vegetable Broth 0
Basil Spinach 0

185 Cal
7g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Total
715 Cal
28g Fat
53g Protein

I've been craving my omelettes but the fact is I just don't have enough time in the mornings to make them. Since I have my green tea with lemon before I eat anything every single morning, I'm having to take my breakfast smoothie with me to work. I did want to work out today, but I just didn't have the energy. Work today was particularly exhausting, a lot to learn still. Plus my dad just happened to drop in and stayed for over an hour and I found out that a good friend of mine from Rome flew in today and surprised me! So now I have to carve out time to spend with him as well. For those of you who have been following me since I was in Italy, it is Tommaso's brother!!

I will admit that I did binge tonight... I purged everything though, as well as quite a bit of my omelette... I'm hoping it won't throw off my yoga tomorrow but we'll see.

I have a much sharper waist now, and my ribs are more visible. I just want to carve the fat off of the sides of my body and make everything tight and strong and tiny. The inside of my thighs looks like jelly. Slowly I will carve them like soapstone, etching away at the parts of me I can't stand anymore.

Diet Documentary Day 20

Breakfast
Green Tea w/ Lemon 0

3/4C Greek Yogurt 100
1/4C Strawberries 25
1/4C Pineapple 25
1 Banana 100

250 Cal
1g Fat
20g Protein

Lunch
2C Spinach 0
2 Slices Onion 0
5 Cherry Tomatoes 25
1/2C Black Beans 130
1/2 Orange Pepper 10
1/4C Corn 35
1/4 Avocado 50
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
2 Tbl Vinegar 10

300 Cal
10g Fat
15g Protein

Snack (pre-yoga)
Grapefruit 50

Vinyassa 1.5 Hours
(-450)

Dinner
1/2C Brown Rice 150
1/2 Floret Broccoli 20
1/4C Corn 35
1/4C Peas 35
1/4C Egg Beaters 30
1 Pkg Edamame 130
4 Mushrooms 20
2 Tbl Red. Sodium Soy Sauce 20
Ground ginger, garlic powder, cayenne 0

440 Cal
6g Fat
16g Protein

Snack
1/2 Cantaloupe 50

Total
1,090 Cal
17g Fat
51g Protein

Net Intake
640 Cal

Holy fuck. Note to self, read my own blog posts. Didn't I just say NOT to go over 1,000 calories?!?! My net intake is 640 which is low and my fat content is below 20g, looking at it most of my calories are coming from fruits and veggies which is good too. It's just that damn number I can't get over. Fuck, fuck fuck. I'm hoping the 4-5+ cups of green tea I've been drinking a day will boost up my metabolism!!

In yoga today I was off balance. Probably because I binged on ice cream last night and purged. I was stumbling on my balance poses which I'm usually quite strong with, being a dancer growing up. So that was frustrating, but there is no one to blame but myself. I need to quit purging.

Work stress is consistently climbing up hill with each day. It's so much responsibility, and there's all this pressure coming at me. My grandfather desperately wanting me to succeed in his foot steps and throwing me in when, in all honesty, I may not have been ready. From my boyfriend, even though he doesn't mean to, I do feel the need to keep up with him, and my competitiveness comes out in wanting to have just as much as he has, and a career is part of that. From myself, to fulfill expectations that I place on me in an urgent attempt not to disappoint those around me, stemming from my paranoia that everyone is watching me and waiting for me to screw up. Which I am trying to work on turning into ambition and motivation. I try and look at the pressure that I feel because of my boyfriend, as a sign from the universe to light my ass on fire a bit and get me moving in the right direction, to challenge myself and push beyond my limitations. I am invested in this, not only because I am good at it, but I really do enjoy the work. The fact that all of it will be mine one day is what drives me.
love always,
loveylou

Diet Documentary Day 19

Well, the Sunday Binge hit me last night. I had about 1 1/2 Cups of this ice cream that's 120 cal and 2g Fat per 1/2C. I didn't purge it and went straight to bed. I'm kinda frustrated about it, but it stopped at just that and whats done is done so whatever. Oh, and I also had a banana.
When I'm at work, I'm constantly drinking my green tea. I need the caffeine to keep me going, plus I know it speeds up my metabolism and is full of antioxidants and good shit so why not. I got on my elliptical right after work to clear my head and think about how in over my head I am with this job. Beginning next fucking week I'll be on my own and expected to know everything. Holy Shit. Anyways, here's what today looked like:

Breakfast
Green Tea w/ Lemon 0

3/4C Fat Free Greek Yogurt 100
3/4C Almond Milk 30
1/2C Strawberries 50
1 Tbl Hemp Seeds 60

240 Cal
9g Fat
25g Protein

Lunch
1C Spinach 0
1/2C Edamame 120
5 Cherry Tomatoes 50
1/2 Orange Pepper 10
3 Tbl Fat Free Italian Dressing 15

195 Cal
5g Fat
14g Protein

Snacks
1C Grapes 100
1 Grapefruit 50

Burn 300 Elliptical

Recovery
1C Whole Wheat Pasta 250
1C Spinach + Basil 0
1/2 Floret Broccoli 20
5 Mushrooms 25
3 Cloves Garlic, 1/10C Onion 0
2 Tbl Olive Oil 80
2 Tbl Parmesan 50

425 Cal
21g Fat
20g Protein

Total
1,010
44g Fat
59g Protein

Net Intake
710 Cal

Damn today was a high day. On the plus side, my workout today was a breeze, which is a sign I'm getting in better shape! In the back of my mind I'm worried that I'm going to literally 'see' all this food on me. But I'm going to yoga tomorrow so I'm going to need to eat about the same portions. Definitely not as high as 1,000 that's for damn sure. That was kinda one of my rules for myself, was not to go over 1,000 so thats a disappointment. I can only fix it with my future actions, so this week I'm going to have to make sure I'm on the ball, and get back into doing my calisthenics; starting with today.

Edit: So, I binged on that ice cream again, added almonds into it for more crunch. I had already decided I would purge it before I even ate it, it's ice cream it's so easy. A lot of my pasta came up as well, so I feel better that it wasn't a 'true' 1,000 calorie day. I need better control though.

Diet Documentary Day 17 + 18 + Pics

Day 3

Day 17

Day 17 

Day 17
Breakfast
Green Tea w/ Lemon 0

3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80
1/2 Orange Pepper 10
3 Mushrooms 15
1 tsp Olive Oil 40

235 Cal
14g Fat
25g Protein

Lunch
3/4C Fat Free Greek Yogurt 100
1/2C Strawberries 50
1/2C Almond Milk 20
1 Banana 100

270 Cal
2g Fat
17g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Total
550 Cal
16g Fat
42g Protein

I brought a salad with me to J's thinking I could just have that for dinner, but we ended up getting into an intense conversation and I just got so worked up there was no way I could eat. He feels like he's pressuring me to take on too much with this new job, because he's 26 and has started his career. And it's true, that at times I do feel I put pressure on myself to 'keep up' with him, but in no way do I feel any pressure coming from him. If anyone is pressuring me it's my grandfather. This all came about, right as we were about to have sex, and then he just seemed to lose interest and when I asked what was wrong he just kept saying nothing (because he's more stubborn and I am, if possible) until finally coming out with it. Needless to say, my mind is going CRAZY, and Ana gets in my head telling me that he thinks I'm fat, and isn't attracted to me anymore, he's bored, he doesn't love me, he's tired of having a fat girlfriend and just doesn't know how to say it. I might have made a mistake by telling him that my mind was going crazy, and that it makes me never want to take my clothes off again... He didn't quite understand at first and I repeated, 'I told you, you don't know what was going through my mind at that point'. He felt pretty guilty, and at the time didn't pay it much attention, because to him I suppose it's ridiculous but I started to cry a bit and at that point it was for a million reasons. He just held me and kept telling me he loved me. He's so good like that. Today he picked me up and put me on his shoulders and walked to his bedroom and threw me on the bed and told me how light I was. It made me happy for a split second, but because I essentially told him I was feeling insecure, and he knows I've been trying to 'get in shape for our vacation' I can't take that comment at face value so it just doesn't count.

Day 18
Breakfast
Green Tea 0

1/4C Steel Cut Oats 150
1/4C Blueberries 20
(my portions weren't measure so I will over estimate)

200 Cal
2g Fat
10g Protein

Lunch + Dinner 
(1/2 + 1/2)

2C Spinach 0

1/4C Cucumber 0

1/4C Corn 35

1/2C Black Beans 130

1/2 Avocado 100

1/2 Orange Pepper 10

8 Cherry Tomatoes 40

3Tbl Fat Free Italian Dressing 15

350 Cal

3g Fat

15g Protein

Snack

1/4 Cantaloupe 50

Grapefruit 50

Total

650 Cal

5g Fat

25g Protein

I'm already starting to feel burnt out and put under pressure with work, and just not having time to myself like I used to. Being in public is exhausting. But the more tired I am, and the more work I am doing and the busier I keep myself, the more calories I burn, the less I eat, and the smaller I become. Tomorrows going to be another hard one, the Monday Binge is after me. I'll kick his ass though, best offensive measure: excercise. Hoping I'll have enough energy after work for a quick hop on the elliptical!

love always,
xoxo

Diet Documentary Day 16

Breakfast
Green Tea w/ Lemon 0

3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80
Basil Spinach 0

170Cal
7g Fat
25g Protein

Lunch
1/4C Quinoa 170
1/4C Light Feta 70
1/4C Chickpeas 85
1/2C Broccoli 15
1/2 Red Pepper 10
1 Stalk Celery 0
White Wine Vinegar 5

355 Cal
10g Fat
15g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Dinner
1 Chick'n Scallion 80
1 Boiled Carrot 20
1C Strawberries 100
3/4C Greek Yogurt 100

270 Cal
4g Fat
27g Protein

Total
845 Cal
21g Fat
67g Protein

Another busy 9 hour work day, but it's nice to keep my brain busy, gives a nice distraction from calculating and recalculating calories. I love designing these meal plans and tallying everything up into a nice little package, measuring everything so it's just so, and exact. Maybe my father's OCD has rubbed off some, who knows.

Tomorrow I get to see my man and I'm so excited! All these changes in my body have made me feel SO much better about being naked. I know J can tell when I stare at myself in the mirror while we're in the shower, but I just can't help it. Theres this stupid 'thing' its like a tumor on my back/side of hip thats like this stupid little saddlebag like thing, and while its shrunk and shrunk I can still grab on to it and it just shouldn't be there and I hate it! But my stomach is much flatter and toned, when I flex I can actually feel muscle that was definitely not there before!

Diet Documentary Day 15

Breakfast
Green Tea w/ Lemon 0

3/4C FF Greek Yogurt 100
1/2C Strawberries 50
1Tbl Hemp Seeds 60

270 Cal
5g Fat
22g Protein

Lunch
1/2C Brown Rice 150
1/2C Edamame 120
1/2C Black Beans 50
1/4C Corn
1/2 Green Pepper 15
1Tbl Soy Sauce

380 Cal
6g Fat
15g Protein

Snack (pre-yoga)
Grapefruit 50

1.5 Hour Vinyassa
(-450)

Dinner
1 Banana 100
1 Scoop Choco Vega Protein 110
2C Vanilla Almond Milk 80

290 Cal
10g Fat
13g Protein

Total
990 Cal
21g Fat
50g Protein

Net Intake
540 Cal

I am absolutely wiped today. Work was busy, I'm learning lots of new things and gaining a ton of responsibility which scares the living daylights out of me. Time to put on my big girl outfit. I've got so much on my mind I couldn't even focus on my yoga practice today, my mind was buzzing with distractions. I worked up a good sweat and feel blissfully limber now, I love how yoga does that to you.

My jeans have gotten a lot looser! The size 26's I used to only be able to squeeze myself into after lying on my back and tugging. I've noticed when I cross my legs that my thighs are incredibly thin, like a pancake. They still seem floppity loose to me though but when I cross one over the other, the span of the top of my thigh is no wider than the span of my fingers. They are starting to get a little bit looser around the hips too. My tummy has always been the weakest and worst part of me so I know that's going to be the hardest to improve. My thighs also no longer touch at all! Even with my knees bent and touching, the tops stay apart. I love it! My arms have gotten a lot leaner as well. This little changes keep me going. I need to be doing more excercise though.

Diet Documentary Day 14

Yoga last night was wonderful, as always. I actually woke up without any soreness! I kinda crave that feeling, just a little bit. I was planning on burning 300 on my elliptical this afternoon, but that's when I thought I had no plans!

I ended up being called into my grandfathers office for what was supposed to be a 'training-interview'. Read: A chance to convince his business partner that I'm not just a 'pretty face' as she put it, and am an asset to the company. Pretty sure I nailed it. I sat in on a meeting with a business consultant after lunch, and maintained a quiet presence, but voiced my opinions and trusted my gut to tell me when to do so. The consultant was quite taken with me, and complimented my intelligence as if surprised. Thanks. In the end, after my grandfather had left to take care of my grandmother, Maxine (partner) stayed and talked with the consultant as I tried to listen from my desk. My name was mentioned several times and I overheard him say, 'But you don't have an exit strategy!' Duh, the girl is a bit of a business nut, she don't know nothing but generally coat tails on my grandfather and hand holds him when he gets confused because of his Italian-English. Anyways, I'll be going in again tomorrow, and hope to cement a position there. I already know that I will end up there, it's just a matter of time. The sooner, the better, especially since I'd be working with my grandfather and he has a lot to teach me. Because my day ended up so unexpectedly full, I entirely skipped my lunch, and now it's almost 7pm and I've tasted the starvation high I'm an addict for...

Breakfast
1 Green Tea w/ Lemon 0

1/2C Greek Yogurt 100
1/2C Strawberries 50
2 Tbl Hemp Seeds 120

270 Cal
12g Fat
20g Protein

Snack
Apple 50

Dinner
2C Spinach 0
20 Cherry Tomatoes 80
1 Stalk Celery 0
1/2 Yellow Pepper 15
1/2 Avocado 100
1/4 Cucumber 0
1 Mango 110
25 Almonds 175
1/4C Feta 70
1 Tbl Olive Oil 80
3 Tbl Vinegar 15
3 Cloves Garlic 0
Basil 0

630 Cal (-1/2)
29g Fat
28g Protein

Total
950 Cal
41g Fat
48g Protein

Net Intake:
635 Cal

I don't even care how calorie dense that salad is. I wanted a salad-meal with almonds that I'd been craving all week, and a freaking mango. It was delicious and even though I'm eating it at 9:30 (yikes) I'm okay with it. Too bad I couldn't even finish all of it. 1/2 of it filled me up enough, considering my stomach probably shrank during the day. I couldn't really handle the idea of a 1,000 calorie day without any exercise.

Diet Documentary Day 13

Well, I failed with the binging last night. I wanted yam fries after my pasta dinner, which in no way is allowed so I knew I was breaking all the rules with that first cheat, and it was all down hill from there. I made vanilla cupcakes with peanut butter frosting, (ate 5 threw the rest away), yam fries, 4 pieces of toast 1/2 with margarine, 1/2 with peanut butter, saltine crackers with peanut butter, a banana, 3 mandarin oranges, and because that wasn't enough, I asked my sister to bring me home a frozen yogurt blended with fresh mixed berries from the coffee shop she works at. Luckily the only thing that managed to stay down was about 7 saltine crackers (90cal) with 1 tsp peanut butter each that I ate before I even had my dinner. The rest of the binge went down the toilet.

My stomach is an absolute wreck right now. I am starving but don't want to put anything in my mouth. I'll start with my green tea and lemon and hopefully that will settle my tummy. I'm going to another yoga class today with a friend, so that should get me back on track.

Breakfast
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80
1/4C Broccoli 10
3 Mushrooms 15
1/2 Tbl Olive Oil 20
Basil Spinach 0

215 Cal
8g Fat
25g Protein

Lunch
2C Spinach 0
1/4C Light Feta 70
1 Pepper 15
10 Cherry Tomatos 50
1/2 Avocado 100
1/2 Cucumber 0
1Tbl Olive Oil 40
3 Tbl Vinegar 15
Parsley Basil 0

290 Cal
17g Fat
14g Protein

Snack (pre-yoga)
Apple 50

Vinyassa 1.5 Hours
(-450)

Recovery
1 Banana 100
1 Strawberry Activia 40
1/2C Almond Milk 20
1/4C Greek Yogurt 50
1 Tbl Hemp Seeds 60

270 Cal
6g Fat
15g Protein

Total
825 Cal
31g Fat
54g Protein

Net Intake
375 Cal

My fat content is high today and it worries part of me. The other part rationalizes that they are MUFAS, and come from healthy sources. Olive Oil, Avocado, Hemp Seeds, and sources of protein. And I know I need the nutrition in order to do Yoga, especially after purging 3 times yesterday. Today a friend of mine, Becca is coming to class with me. I've always suspected she had an ed herself, but have never and probably would never bring it up or inquire further. It's safer this way.

All during yoga I felt off balanced. I'm sure it was the purging last night, or the dizzyness from class. I can feel my body getting stronger. Looking forward to shifting my burn to 300 on my elliptical tomorrow!

Have any of you guys ever confronted a friend about their strange eating habits?

Diet Documentary Day 12

Breakfast

3/4C Egg Beaters 90

1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80

1/8C Broccoli 5

3 Small Mushrooms 10

1 tsp Olive Oil 40

Basil Spinach 0

225 Cal

14g Fat

24g Protein

Snack

Grapefruit 50

Recovery

1 Banana 100

1C Almond Milk 45

1 Scoop Vega Chocolate Protein 110

255 Cal

7g Fat

13g Protein

Dinner

1C Whole Wheat Pasta 250

1/2C Spinach 0

10 Cherry Tomatoes 50

2Tbl Parmesan 50

350 Cal

8g Fat

18g Protein

Total

860 Cal

29g Fat

55g Protein

I really want to work out today, mentally I do, but I am also feeling really lazy. Probably because of how little I ate yesterday. But I'm trying to calorie cycle and I know that if you shift a higher calorie intake 1 day a week it can help ignite your metabolism. Realistically, 860 calories are not that high. Just trying to avoid the Monday Binge...

Diet Documentary Day 10+11

Breakfast
Green tea with Lemon 0

1C Egg Beaters 120
2 light cheese 50
Onion 0

170 Cal
3g Fat
27g Protein

Snack
Apple 50

Dinner (for J's)
1C Wilted Spinach 0
1/4C Quinoa 140
1/4C Light Feta 70
1/4C Chickpeas 70
2 Celery Stalks 0
Parsley Basil Garlic 0

270 Cal
12g Fat
12g Protein

Total
490 Cal
15g Fat
39g Protein

I'm so sore today, my muscles scream in pain whenever I move, and I have a lot to do today. I really just feel like staying under the covers and watching the rain. But I'm dying to see my man and the 2 hours in public transit will be well worth it.

It's getting harder and harder to finish my 900 calorie or 800 calorie days when I'm not active, it's the only way it feels justified. Which is why today I'm only at 490 (if that, my eggs were 1/2 eaten). I had a lunch planned and allotted with rice and beans but I didn't really want it, and I would have had to gone out of my way to go buy the rice and allot time to make it which I just didn't have so I said fuck it.

Breakfast
Green Tea with Lemon 0

1/2C Steel Cut Oats 300
1/2C Blueberries 40

340 Cal
4g Fat
10g Protein

Dinner
2C Iceberg Lettuce 0
1/2 Tomato 15
1/2 Cucumber 0
1/2C Beans 50
1/2 Yellow Pepper 10
1Tbl Olive Oil 80
Taco Seasoning 15
Salsa 15

170 Cal
8g Fat
5g Protein

Total
510 Cal
12g Fat
15g Protein

Today was a beautiful sunny day, so I got J and I out by the ocean and went for a looooong 2 hour walk on the shore side and through downtown. I was freezing cold with the wind and without a coat, it looked deceptively warmer, and needed to keep a brisk pace to stay warm. Plus shivering burns calories! According to this calculator which tells you how many calories you burned based on your weight and distance, I burned 250 cal, so my net intake today is very low.

Tonight I face the challenge of the binge. I just need to keep focused on tomorrow and ignoring my stomach. Wish me luck!!

Diet Documentary Day 9

I feel fantastic today. Last night I had a pretty hard time falling asleep but it was because my mind kept racing about everything going on around me. I realized how much I have to be thankful for, and how far I've come. My grandfather has offered me a full time position in the company, which I hope to grow to take over and I plan on going to school in September! I feel like my life is back on track now! Which means no more lying and I can't wait for that day.

I went to another Yoga class today, I walked there but needed to take the bus back because I was so sore. When I woke up I felt fine but as I started to move around more I sure felt stiff. Went to try and work it out on the mat, and I just know I'm going to be useless tomorrow. I met a few nice people in my class today, they introduced themselves to me and we started chatting. It's nice being social and meeting new people again. Once I got home I had an Epsom Salt Bath with some Lavender oil and soaked for a good hour. I feel like a wrung out sponge right now! Trying to drink as much water as possible right now. Originally I had another meal planned for dinner, but I ate my pasta (lunch) too late and decided to skip it instead for a smoothie. I can make the meal tomorrow and take it to J's house, because I've made it for us before and I know he likes it. If I bring it with me, then I can measure out my portion in a container before hand. Perfect. 

Breakfast

Green Tea w/ Lemon 0

1/4C Broccoli 5

3/4C Egg Beaters 90

1/4C Part Skim Mozzarella 80

Basil Spinach 0

175 Cal

7g Fat

24g Protein

1 Hour Vinyassa Yoga + walk to studio
(-450)

Snack
Apple 50

Recovery

1C Whole Wheat Pasta 205

1/2 Zucchini 10

1/2C Mushrooms 25

1/2C Cherry Tomatoes 50

1/4C Cottage Cheese 100
1/2 Small Green Pepper 5

1Tbl Parmesan 25

Garlic Onion Basil 0

420 Cal

10g Fat

25g Protein

Calisthenics

(50 ea. leg ext., 50 ea. side crunches)

Snack
1/2C Strawberries 50
1 Banana 100
1C Coconut Water 45
1Tbl Hemp Seeds 60

255 Cal
6g Fat
6g Protein

Total

900 Cal

23g Fat

55g Protein

Net: 
450 Calories

Diet Documentary Day 8

I've decided to start practicing Yoga again. I notice how often my posts are started with, or have stated within them 'I've decided to ___' and I think that the 'decision' factor is really of more importance to me than I thought. My whole life I've had an extremely controlling father and now I think that each decision I make, I need to make on my own. However in doing so independently, I doubt my every judgement because I have such a lack of self confidence. I use to do Yoga regularly over the years, and when I looked up how many calories it burns I was shocked! An hour of Vinyassa burns up to 450 Calories and my class this evening is an hour and a half! I'm only subtracting 450 from my intake however, to avoid over calculating. 

11:30 Breakfast:
Green Tea w/ Lemon 0

Oatmeal 120
1 Apple 0
Cinnamon 0

170 Cal
2g Fat
3g Protein

1:45 Snack
2 Activias (fat free)

80 Cal
0g Fat
6g Protein

2:30 Calisthenics + Walk to Grocery Store & back
[100 crunches, 50 side crunches ea., 50 leg ext. ea.]

4:15 Lunch
1 Small Sweet Potato (no skin) 100
3 Pieces light cheese 75
2 Slices Onion + Garlic, Cayenne 0
1 Mountain Veggie Burger 160
2.5 C Sugar Snap Peas 100

435 Cal
10g Fat
17g Protein

I took 2 Hydroxycuts before this meal, 'just in case I need it'

Yoga 6:45-8:15
(I'm walking to the studio, 15 blocks)

8:30 Dinner
1/2C Coconut Water 20
1/4C Spinach 0
1 Banana 100
1 Grapefruit (1/2 for smoothie) 50
Protein Powder 110

290 Cal
7g Fat
25g Protein

Total
975 Calories
(-450)

Net Intake:
525 Cal
19g Fat
51g Protein

It's a fuck ton of eating.
I'm praying I don't gain tomorrow.
Trying to 'calorie cycle.'
Going to have a Detox Bath before bed to help my muscles.

love always,
loveylou

Diet Documentary Day 7

Things have been getting better over the last few days. Now that I have my food all mapped out and my calories calculated each day, I feel like I'm worth something again. I've been making big steps forward too. I told Tina that I'm not in school. She threw her iPhone 5 at me which fractured my thumb but it was out of love. My mom also told me that my scholarship is not gone! I still have money for school! Which is a huge load off my back but I have to use it this September. So I filled out an application to the same University my sister and Juls are going next year and I'm really excited about it. It's just a University Transfer Program but now I can stop wondering how close to nothing I'll actually ever amount to without an education! I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel...

Breakfast! :)

Breakfast
Green Tea + Lemon 0

3/4 C Egg Beaters 90
1/4 C Part Skim Mozzarella 80
1/4 Floret Broccoli 5
2 Mushrooms 15
Basil Spinach 0
Cooking Spray 10
+Multivitamin

200 Calories
7g Fat
24g Protein

Recovery
1 Banana
1 Mandarin
1/4 C Pineapple
1/4 C Coconut Water
Protein Powder

275 Calories
3g Fat
26g Protein

Dinner
Spinach 0
1/2 C Strawberries 25
1/2 Avocado 100
1/2 Pepper 5
1/4C Light Feta 70
10 Almonds 70
Celery 0
10 Cherry Tomatoes 50
Onion Garlic 0
Balsamic Vinegar 15

340 Calories
20g Fat
15g Protein

Snacks
Grapefruit 50

Total 865

Burn
200 - Elliptical
50 reps Leg Extensions (each)
150 Crunches
100 Side Crunches

Net Intake
665 Calories
30g Fat
65g Protein