The Liebster Blog Award

I have been nominated for The Liebster Blog Award by Lila so thank you very much!! My first award! It means the world to be recognized and thought of even for a minute.

All of you lovelies out there inspire me daily, so thank you. 

The Rules.

In your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them. 

Loveylou

I am 21 years old, but sometimes I swear I'm 17 still.
I used to be a competitive ballerina and contemporary dancer.

When I was 16, I was diagnosed with a spontaneous auto-immune disease which caused a permanent heart condition, and I was forced to quite dance. I haven't been able to go back since.

It is my dream to see the entire world. As much of it as I possibly can squeeze into one lifetime.
When I'm with my true friends, I'm not the beauty queen people assume I am, I'm an absolute goofy mess and I don't care about a damn thing; I love to make people laugh.
I've always had a considerable number of close guy friends.
I'm a bit of a hippie, I think I would have fit in well during the 70's, the political protests, pot and peace... I think I would have loved it! (except bell bottom high-waisted pants, seriously)

I want to have lived multiple lives, I want adventure, safety, comfort, recklessness, passion, heart break, love, and anguish. I never think happiness is worth much unless it is tortured.
My favourite colour is a really dark purple.
I am a complete and total people pleaser.
I love country music.

Questions from the lovely Lila

1. What is your dream job?

I've never felt that I really had much say in my future, I've always felt it was decided for me long ago, for no real reason at all. My dream job would be to take over my family business from my grandfather importing wine internationally to high end restaurants. Lots of travel, making connections and a bit of schoomzing ;)

2. If you could switch with any person for a day who would it be and why? 
Marilyn Monroe. Such a sex symbol, a complete bombshell who didn't give a fuck what anyone thought. She was completely confident with her body, at a size 14. A size I myself have been once before I wanted to kill myself. I'd love to know what it feels like to love yourself and be wanted and desired no matter what.

3. Do you have siblings and have you ever been jealous of them for any reason? 
Yes, one younger sister. I used to think my parents loved her more than me. Now I guess I'm jealous of the relationship she has with my father. I know if I took steps I could have one with him, but I will never be comfortable in his presence, and for that I envy her ignorance.

4. If you could choose anywhere.. where would you live? 
Somewhere beautiful, near the Ocean, close enough to hear the waves. Far enough away to feel safe, close enough to a busy city to not feel trapped. In a hand-made house with a man who loves me unconditionally.

5. What is your fav pass time hobby? 
Getting high, making a playlist and painting by candlelight in the middle of the day while it's dark and rainy outside.

6. Have you ever been in love.. how many times? 
I've thought I've been in love with many different people and at many different times. It's caused me to truly doubt my self judgement so I don't know how to answer this. I am in love with my boyfriend J, and I think he could be the one. 

7. If you had to get a tattoo this second.. what would it be and why? 
I have two tattoos already. My favourite, and first, is a bird flying on my hip. It means a lot to me. As a child I used to blow out my birthday candles and wish I was a bird, so I could fly anywhere I wanted, whenever I wanted to. The ultimate freedom. I don't want to get any more tattoos.

8. Have you ever had a surgery? (cosmetic or emergency) 
I've had my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was a teenager. During a screening of my blood work pre-surgery, was when my auto-immune disease was discovered. I was told that if I went under the anesthesia and my thyroid was to have a storm, which happens 4-5 times daily, my heart could have stopped.

9. Whats your greatest childhood fear( any answers about weight dont count) 
That I would make my dad angry.

10. Do you have a favorite relitive? if yes why are they your fav? 
My Nonno. He is absolutely amazing. He was trained as a shoe maker in Italy, and only went to school until grade 3. He went on to build a family empire of sorts, one international sports business which he passed down to my father and uncle. He now imports wine under his own label, and distributes all over the country. He is the most generous, kind-hearted, strong willed, stubborn, and loving man I have ever known.

11. If you could meet in person any of your blogger followers or blogger mates that u share with.. would you?

Yes, I would.  

My Questions

1. What do you love most about yourself?

2. Describe a memory that makes you proud

3. If you could change one moment in your life, that you think would be pivotal, and could change the course of your entire life, would you? What moment would you change, what would be different?

4. What would you do if your family and friends found out about your eating disorder and/or blog?

5. If you could be anyone, who would you be and why?

6. What is your relationship with your parents like?

7. What's your favourite 'safe food'?

8. What are you doing when you feel the most happy and joyful?

9. If you could be any animal what would you be?

10. What is your favourite fashion statement or 'look'?

11. If you could make one wish, what would you wish for? (can't be body related in any way)

For the nominee's...

Oliva Lee

Avy

Fat-Piggy

Emma

annamaria

Christina

Ell

Miranda

Judith Marie

Nikki

Honor Regzig

Kim

(I know you're on hiatus but I've got my fingers crossed that you'll come back!!)

Ryan - P IV

Playing with Fire

"I remember the first time I eye balled you in class. You were wearing the tightest black jeans and I thought 'Shit... she's got a nice ass... and look at those hips, she must be a dancer"

"Guess that makes you pretty smart then"

"No, not really. I didn't say that, just the ass part; that's true."

"I remember being attracted to you in class, and that same day we got put in the same group and you introduced yourself. You were wearing this incredibly cozy looking sweater and I wanted to sink into you"

"You should have"

"I can be shy"

"That's hard to believe"

"I'm full of surprises"

"I wanted to ask you to study with me, but I wasn't really in the mood to be rejected..."

"Would have avoided the mess and confusion of going down town"

"Was that night confusing for you?"

"Of course not. We had a strong chemistry, you invited me out, and winked at me... When we were at the club I put 2 and 2 together and saw you with her and had doubts, but gave you my number anyways. Then I never heard from you. The message was loud and clear"

"You looked so good that night... I remember locking eyes with you through 50 people and I thought to myself 'Watch out Ryan... You're playing with Fire' "

"I know the feeling."

"I'm not sure if what I'm afraid of is that something will happen between us, or I'll get caught, or I'll like it too much... I just don't know. There is definitely fire between us... I haven't even had coffee with you and I already feel like I'm almost too deep... but I like it... maybe a little too much..."

"Ultimately, I can't let anything happen"

"Love, I promise you, I will never push you to do anything. I cannot make that decision for you. I will flirt with you all night long until the cows come home, I will buy you coffee and indulge in illustrious conversation and massage your body until you tell me to Stop. But I will never push for sex. "

"You have me in the palm of your hand... just don't fuck me over. "

"My heart is strong, and I will never pull any fast ones with your heart."

"I can handle getting close, and being close to you, if you can."

" I will not fuck you..."

"... unless you ask me to."

Fuck

Two nights in a row now I've crept into the kitchen for fucking food. I am nothing but a fucking waste of space. An enormous handful of almonds, and a 35 cal yogurt.. I am fucking hopeless. The last thing I want to do tonight is go to this fucking party and just eat normally whatever someone else decided I should eat. Pasta of all things!!!
THIS IS FUCKING SO STUPID I COULD RIP SOMEONES HEAD OFF

I was going to eat breakfast but I can't work out when my mother is home so now I don't need to eat at all. Nothing until this stupid fucking pasta dinner I'm crying as a type this out I really don't want to eat it.

Plus last night I had a dream my parents got back together, and all of my anger is now focused on trying to not rip my mother to shreds in real life.

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

125

125 with a BMI of 20.4 and all I can think about is getting down to 120. God how glorious life would be at 120... Today I've booked myself a facial which I'm really looking forward to, I've got to leave for it pretty soon actually. Tomorrow is the big party and I want to look my absolute best. Today will be dedicated to pampering. Unfortunately, that again, puts off my work out for a few more days. Unless I find the will to wake up early and do some quick cardio tomorrow morning, get my blood pumping for  a glowing complexion and upbeat energy, yes I think I will try.

Last night after all my food (- 1/2 protein shake I tried to save for later but ended up icky) I got stoned and toasted edamame beans in olive oil and sea salt, and also ate a few thin slices of cheddar cheese. I fucking suck. Guess that's why I'm up a few ounces from yesterday, just what a piece of shit like me deserves. Already today I've had oatmeal with blueberries, yogurt and almonds so 285calories. I'm feeling like a failure. I wasn't planning on the almonds or yogurt but it is what it is. To make up for it I'm not going to eat lunch. Dinner will be baked tofu (120) with broccoli (40)  shiritaki noodles (40) carrot (35) snap peas (30) in garlic soy sauce. That will make my total today 600 Calories. That will be it, I deserve to feel hungry. I'm running low on pot so a starving high coupled with a caffeine overload is the best I can do.

Tomorrow at the party we will be having a sit down dinner with all of J's bosses. The dinner is a preset menu and being a vegetarian, J chose the only dinner without meat: a fucking mediterranean pasta dish. The restaurant is small and not a chain so I can't find any nutritional information, I'm praying it's not in some sort of a cream sauce so I can eat around the pasta and just have the veggies. It's giving me serious anxiety.

love you all,

xoxo

Don't stop now...

Thank you all for your lovely comments on my previous post and hideous picture!!

English Rose I can't read your blog for some reason now! :(

I think it's time to set up a few concrete goals.
CW: 124.4
GW1: 120
GW2: 114 (officially underweight!)
FGW: 110

It seems completely manageable, I know once I dip down to 120 those last 10 pounds are going to just creep off of me and really not want to come off but I'll work my ass off to get there!

Yesterday Intake:

Breakfast:
Spinach and Feta Omelette
200 Cal
15g Fat
27g Protein

Cardio: 300

Lunch/ Dinner:
(post workout)
Veggie Pasta Salad
w/ peas, spinach, tomato, pepper
550 Cal
13g Fat
18g Protein

Late Snack:

Pomegranate
100 Cal

Yogurt
35 Cal

Total:
685 Cal

Net Intake:
385 Cal

Not awful, I hate seeing that 550 Cal right there, it was so good though and filled me up after I worked out and took me over an hour and a half to finish. My mom is home from work with the flu so I can't weigh myself yet.

Here's what today will look like

Breakfast:
Scrambled eggs w/ light cheese & onion
175 Cal
5g Fat
27g Protein

Cardio: 300

Lunch:
(post workout)
Strawberry Banana Peach Protein Shake
300 Cal
4g Fat
27g Protein

Dinner:
Brown rice with edamame, broccoli, snap peas in spicy soy sauce
300 Cal
5g Fat
8g Protein

Total Intake:
775 Cal

Net Intake:
475

I'm in debate about swapping lunch <-> dinner, the carbs in the rice will be better digest post work out, but I need the protein for my muscles afterwards. It will depend on what I'm in the mood for but I think things should stay where they are.
Hoping to be down to 123 tomorrow and then to complete this week's goal and get down to 122 for J's party on Saturday! I just finished picking out my out fit so pics will come soon!
EDIT: ughhh my mom is home with the flu, which means I can't work out because the machine is literally right outside her bedroom door... boo :( I'll do crunches instead, at least it's something.

I tried on the outfit for Saturday and it looks fantastic! (If I do say so myself, and I look especially tiny in it... I'm pretty insecure about how my thighs will look but that's just more inspiration to get on my elliptical and tone em till they are nice and tight!

Hope you all had a wonderful hunger-filled day :)

love always,

xoxo

124.4 + Progress Pics

Yes, you read that correctly girlies! Down a pound from yesterdays 125.4, despite my plan going slightly awry. I had a strawberry banana protein shake which took me over 3 hours to finish 270 Cal, then a giant spinach salad with yellow pepper, cherry tomatoes, onion, 1/2 pomegranate, celery, snap peas, spinach, feta and almonds. It wasn't supposed to include nuts or pomegranate or be that large in size but it totalled 350 Cal. My family then wanted to order in dinner so I got some Dragon Bowl mess thing with tofu, subbed cabbage & goat cheese for the rice and have no idea what that totals to. I've scoured all online for the nutritional info and all I can come up with is 350 Cal just for the goat cheese & cabbage ALONE, fuck. Then I had 2 bowls of fat free chocolate frozen yogurt at 90 Cals per 1/2 cup. Not awful but certainly not necessary... Either way it translates to a loss so whats done is done.

Last night I was seriously close to a binge though, I just wanted something naughty and salty and cheesy. I pulled out roasted potatoes my mom made the day before, and the cheddar cheese, planning to make a gooey melt to binge on. I put the potatoes in a bowl to microwave and told myself, "This is fucking stupid." I knew how upset I was going to be if I ate them. So I put them back. Cut off a few thin slices of cheese and went to bed. An hour or so later, I pulled out the nacho chips, placed them ever so carefully on a plate, grated the cheese, microwaved, added another layer, and watched as it revolved in circles to a meltedy gooey heaven. As I walk upstairs to my room to gorge I pass by my bathroom and before I even knew what I was doing I threw the whole mess into the toilet. "It was going to end up there anyways, one way or another. Might as well save myself the harm" Whewf that was a close one!

Fuck there is so much fat... My stomach needs a fucking substantial amount of work, pudge from the side, fat around my hips and layered on top of my belly... looking at it just makes me want to vomit, don't even get me started on my thunder thighs or my flabby arms. I can't look at these anymore.

love always,

xoxo

19th

Last night I had a panic attack when I was trying to go to sleep at J's house. Sometimes he says things and I take them really personal and twist them in my head and he doesn't realize how what he's saying sounds.. I don't remember what started it but I brought it to his attention and it wasn't the first time we've had his discussion. He always jumps ahead and says that he must be this awful person and I can see how much it hurts him to know that sometimes he hurts me. When I was having chest pains and couldn't breathe I told him I was scared and he didn't respond; just froze. Then he got up to get some chapstick after a few minutes, and when he looked at me I was in shock... I really needed him. He came back to bed and I burst into tears telling him that I need his support, that when he ignores me after I tell him how I feel it makes me feel so insignificant, I asked him if I was really that unimportant and he covered me with himself and said, "Oh my god, no I love you so much baby, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I love you so so much" and his voice was cracking like he was tearing up. It broke my heart.

I didn't deserve to eat today but I did.

3/4 cup egg beaters w/ light cheese and onion

150 Cal

3.5g Fat

22g Protein

2 Source Yogurts

70 Cal

0g Fat

4g Protein

1 Pomegranate

105 Cal

0g Fat

1.5g Protein

1 1/2 cup healthy harvest pasta

1 Floret Broccoli

1/2 cup spinach

2 Tbl Parmesan cheese

400 Cal

7g Fat

20.5g Protein

1/2 small Watermelon

140 Cal

0g Fat

2g Protein

Total:

865 Cal

10.5g Fat

46g Protein

Weekend Fun

Last night was so much fun guys!! I'm so glad I decided to get out and not be a party pooper lol. The Hoe-Down was done up in style, with hay bales set up all over the house, and saddles with props and empty picture frames for a photobooth, and a tattoo wheel that chose what body part you had to get a fake tattoo on, trivia games, horse betting and more! Tina did an amazing job setting it all up. Me and my friends tended bar, which I was happy to do given my experience. It made me really miss working at a bar it was so much fun.

I did give in and drink in the end. I stuck with tequila, considering it was the theme of the night, one of my favourite shots, and I know it acts as a laxative and will just flush everything out of me. Like it has already done this morning. Yesterday all I ate was my protein shake 225 cal,  a salad with cherry tomatoes, cucumber, red pepper and parmesan cheese 150 cal, and 1/2 cup of fat free cottage cheese with hot sauce and half a red pepper, 100 cal - but I couldn't finish all the cottage cheese, ate a little more than half but if I include the whole thing that makes my net intake 475 cal!!! Even with 7 shots of tequila in me I stayed strong and didn't eat a thing. My mom, who is best friends with Tina's mom, did come by and push pretty hard to get me to eat a piece of bread with some cheese. I declined and said I'd grab something later. She gave my friend G, Tina's boyfriend, kinda shifty eyes when I declined, and it just adds to my paranoia that everyone knows the jig is up. That my friends and family are aware of my ED but instead of confronting me to fight it, they are simply trying to live within the scope of it and try their best to support and encourage me to eat. I notice small things like when I'm making food my mom will talk non stop to try and distract me from what I'm doing, and she usually insists that I sit down to eat even though I prefer to stand and mull about in the kitchen, and while I'm eating her and my sister make a habit of complimenting me, either on how creative my dish is and how I'm a great cook, or that my hair looks really nice or something, nothing body related... Nothing I can do about it but ignore it.

Today I'm going to visit my Nonna (grandma) who got out of the hospital a few weeks ago and I have yet to see for the last few months. Then I'm going to J's house until monday evening. My plan is to have some scrambled eggs with light laughing cow cheese and onion 175 cal and then make my protein shake 225 cal to take with me to my grandparents and have that before I get to J's. Then I've prepared a quinoa dinner for J and I with tomatoes, cucumber, and baked tofu in a tarragon lemon zest sauce thats very low cal (less than 200 Cal per serving) And that will be all.

Love Always,

xoxo

Howdy-Low

I really need to get myself a proper scale, this is driving me mad. I stepped on this morning after a bm and I think I'm 126.4 but that seems impossible. 2.4 more pounds and I'm the weight I was back in May, 4.4 pounds and I'm back to the lowest I've been... I can hardly wait!!

Yesterday I made a salad with lettuce, yellow and red pepper, cucumber and a tofu chick'n patty for a total of 150 Cal, 4g Fat, 13g Protein because I needed some protein and added veggies to fill me up so a salad seemed like a fair option. Today I have no plan. I want to make my protein smoothie but we've only got a banana and no berries or other fruit really to put in it. I put orange juice in it once and it tasted like an Orange julius.. but that's at 120 Cal per cup and is way to high. I'm already letting myself have sips of oj when I need to take my pills or cough syrup and not really counting them. Instead I've put cinnamon (metabolism booster) and a bit of nutmeg with my almond milk and a very ripe banana + protein powder and it is absolutely delicious, tastes like banana pie, and only 225 Cal.

Tonight I'm going to my best friend Tina's mother's 50th birthday party which is a Hoe-Down, and I'm going back and forth in my head about going or not. I am feeling well enough to go, I just don't know how long I'll last. I finally got a good nights sleep last night, and slept through the entire night without waking up once. Which is the first time that's happened in almost a year. I had a few spoon-fulls of cough syrup, 2 night time cold pills and I hit the bong a few times so that makes sense.  But it worked. I'm still exhausted but I feel human again. My cold has gone from suppressed to phlegmy over night though. I feel bad because I was supposed to help Tina set up, I already made a 5 hour long playlist for the evening since I'm the only once in our circle really who listens to country music, but I just don't have the energy and I'd rather go to enjoy the party. I'm excited to see her and a few of my other girlfriends who will be coming, but these large crowds make my anxiety grow...  There's going to be so much food there and so much booze... obviously I can't drink and the flu I've got will make for a great excuse to get out of eating.. I just worry that when people see how skinny I have gotten now they will try and feed me and the fact that I have the flu will just give momentum to that. "You need nourishment to fight off your infection, here eat this fat fat fat!" Ugh. But I will stay strong.

If I can keep this up, I'm hoping to be at 126 tomorrow, thats a 0.4 loss which could definitely be real, and then if I go to J's for the weekend till Monday then I'm hoping I can be around 122 by Tuesday. When I'm with J, I barely eat. He only really eats 2 meals a day but they are always either fast food or something calorie-drenched. So it's only 2 occasions I need to get out of eating, one of each daily meals at least I will cook, so I can control that, most of the time I actually prepare all of our meals but we will go out once or twice and being vegetarian usually limits my options so I stick to just veggies. I need to make sure to keep my protein content high enough when I'm with him though, but it's hard because he's more of a steak n potatoes kinda guy so my only options are really nuts or cheese. Both high in fat, neither a good option. I'll usually have some almonds if I'm desperate, at least it's healthy fats but still.  I need some good things I can bring to his place that I can have on me for protein.. any suggestions? If I don't get enough protein then when I come home from the weekend and hit the bong for the first time in days, I can't control myself. I gorge out and it usually starts a binge fest, which lasts for days with me. I can never just stop at one binge. I keep going and going I hate it. I purge most of it up so I don't put on immediate weight, just stretch my stomach out all gross and flabby.. so I think I can get away with eating more, stupid stupid girl. No more of that.

Next weekend is J's company's christmas party and I want to look particularly skinny for that! I want his coworkers to tell him how hot his girlfriend is the next day at work. I want them to pat him on the back and give him a wink and tell him he's a lucky guy and kiss the back of my hand. Oh I get chills just thinking about it! Still not entirely sure what I should wear, but when I decide I'll be sure to post pictures of myself in it as progress pics!

love always,

xoxo

Sick

I'm still sick with the flu, the fact that I'm barely eating probably isn't helping much. Ryan and I have been texting non stop for days now, but he ditched me today, saying he was too busy. That's the second time now, plus how his girlfriend snatched my number away from him.. it just seems like a sign that I'm supposed to stay away... Even though I'm not doing anything wrong, I feel guilty as hell, and I know that the more time I spend with Ryan, the further I put my relationship with J in jeopardy and that scares me.

Last night J came and picked me up to get some tea and chat. It was nice spending time together but it's hard when you don't see each other all week and then get 45 minutes without kissing or holding hands nothing. We hugged a lot when we said good bye but now I just miss him more. I feel more lonely and I think that's partly why I've been so engaged with Ryan.

I haven't been able to eat much.. yesterday I didn't make the scrambled eggs at all, just had some yogurt and broccoli soup instead which is still low cal but I could have used the protein. This morning I made a blackberry banana smoothie 300 cals but only drank 3/4 of it, and just now I've made a veggie frittata and I could have eaten the entire thing at 200 Cals but I ate almost half of it and flushed the rest down the toilet because I didn't need it. So that makes my total for today around 300 Cals. But I can't for sure say what the rest of my intake fat and protein wise has been since I haven't finished a 'meal' yet. I should probably have a little something later on for nourishment. Nothing sounds good and it's so tempting to not eat a thing...

Nov. 14 2012 - Ryan

"You get curiouser and curiouser... I was expecting to hear from you by now..."

"I thought maybe you wanted me to just fuck right off... how are you?"

"I would have specified... I'm good though, and you?"

"Fine thanks, so you're becoming increasingly curious about me then?"

"... I suppose you could put it that way, don't let it get to your head... I can practically hear you smiling all the way over here"

"I have a few meetings over town but can I meet you this evening. I'll bring you whatever you want... or do you live with your bf?"

"No, and tonight isn't good."

"Friday then. Do you need anything?"

"Sure, and I think I'm okay but that's very kind, thank you"

"I hope you feel better. Text me if later if you'd like"

....

127 again

Yesterday instead of my salad for dinner I decided on puree'd garlic cauliflower (soo good tastes like mashed potatoes!) because it sounded better and I'm sick. So that brings my total yesterday to 400 Cal (ish) I always round up just to be safe.

Today I'm letting myself have:
Breakfast Smoothie
1 small banana, spinach, ice, almond milk, strawberries, raspberries and protein powder
300 Cal, 4g Fat, 28g Protein.

Scrambled Eggs
1/2 cup egg beaters, 2 light laughing cow cheese, onion
125 Cal, 5g Fat, 14g Protein

Mashed Cauliflower
(half leftover serving)
100 Cal, 0g Fat, 1g Protein

Spinach Salad
1 cup Spinach, 1/2 each red & yellow pepper, and cucumber, with tomatoes, onion, 1/4  FF cup cottage cheese, in olive oil and balsamic vinegar
175 Cal, 6g Fat, 8g Protein

Total:
650 Cal
15g Fat
51g Protein

This is what I am allowing myself to have, but it looks like too much food so I will probably cut one of those out depending on how I feel. The high I'm getting from a mix of the cold pills and pot is just wonderful, I must say. Im floating on top of the world right now...

J is coming over tonight, I really wanted a hug from him yesterday, so he said he'd come over tonight instead after his class for a bit. He really is so good to me. I've clung to him like a life raft, I feel like I can see the end of our road together and if I just squeeze my eyes really tight and hold onto him, it will disappear. We will live happily ever after. I don't know what I'm saying. Stress is getting to me.

I know you're all probably wondering if anything has happened with Ryan... truth is, yes there is more to tell, and I promise I will write a post about it tomorrow if I can. I'm drawn to him somehow, like a moth to a flame.

I'm seeing him tomorrow.

I'm so nervous.

getting smaller

So my 'broken' scale has been brought back to life, I'm pretty sure it's reading my weight 10 pounds heavier than is true, judging by my size and what I can recall being smaller than I am now, I am currently at about 128 lbs.

Right now I've got the flu, and yesterday I ate pretty well, low cal and healthy to keep up my strength but then binged at night. Fuck. I'm moving past it though and today is a new day and it's been good. I've had my protein shake with a banana, 1/2 cup frozen blueberries, 1 cup of spinach, and protein powder with water. Normally I use almond milk but we're out. So that puts me at 250 cals, 1g Fat, 26g Protein for the day. If I need to, I'll make a spinach salad for dinner with either some cottage cheese or tofu, but that's it for today.

I can fit my hands around my thighs now, not all the way up, but about half way up and my fingers still touch. I can see my ribs when I lift my shirt, more of the bottom ribcage is what I'm after so that I have a sharp waist line. My hip bones are jutting out beautifully, I must say. My arms are still a bit flabby, and I need to tighten up my stomach. My butt is slowly starting to disappear. When I run my hands over my body it no longer feels like my own. It's a stranger, an alien. I don't feel my hands on me instead I feel the body beneath them. It's quite strange.

My stress levels are higher than they have ever been. I count down the days until my life as I know it will be over. Last weekend, J and I drove out of town and went exploring it far away cities. It was quite romantic, and it's something we enjoy doing together. We'll talk about the people there, and what they do... and sometimes we'll talk about the future. THE future. It's something I've day dreamed about since J and I have been together, but we haven't talked much about it together. The ironic thing, is that on the drive out to his house my mother was very upset and wanted to make sure that my education and getting my degree was something that was important to J, and to make sure that I wasn't being swept away by him because he makes good money, and then think that I can depend on him. I promised her that my education and career is just as, if not more important to him, than it is to me. That seemed to put her at ease a bit. But then when J and I went around this town, he really started to get into it. He loved this place, it had a dirt bike track that he could race around in, a manufacturing plant that needed an engineer, cheap homes with fixer-up barns on a dirt road. Middle of fucking nowhere. And believe me, I love to get away from it all, and I would love to live in the suburbs or the outskirts of town, but an hour and a half drive away to the closest big city and everywhere else near you purely farming land is a little too much for this city girl to handle. He got mad when I didn't  immediately oblige to agree to be his house wife in this 'hypothetical' situation he had imagined and grown into reality. I threw it back at him and told him, okay well what if I needed to move to Italy for my job (which very well could be a reality if I take over my family business) and he said hands down he would go with me. He could find work there, he would go if that was the only way to be with me. And all of my arguments and defences just crumbled. Lately though, it feels like everyone has just been talking  to me about getting married, and having babies and settling down. It's starting to become overwhelming. I need to figure out how I feel about it. I don't feel like it's wrong, just that it's scary.

My sister had decided to start eating healthy again. But I know she is still making herself throw up. Last weekend my mom and I went for a walk and we passed by my sisters open bathroom door and she says 'wow it smells like throw up down here'. I wonder if she's still reading this blog...

I just need to get smaller, just a little big smaller. I put up a new profile picture on facebook that was taken during a professional photo shoot a little while back. I was heavier then but the pic is a close up of my face and it's...captivating. Just like that, all my old guy friends message me wanting to catch up and hang out. It's amazing how predictable men can be. They'll put up with anything as long as you're pretty enough. And that's why I love them dearly. Once I'm tiny, I won't have to deal with this bullshit.

Nov 7 2012- Ryan

"Hey it's Ryan, from Spring Semester... I got you out to that show..."

I had been wondering what happened to you.

"No doubt, not to mention I never saw you in class after that night...but you're fucking cute and hard to forget. I had to look you up, I hope it's not too weird. Usually not my style but what the hell."

I don't know if you would remember this or not, but when I left the club that night, I said I was meeting up with friends to check out a different bar... That's where I met J, and he's the love of my life, we've been together ever since. So I guess I kind of owe you a thank you; for bringing me out that night...

"That is so good to hear, amazing how such a small detail can really change the entire course of your life. I'm glad you've found love. I hope we can stay in touch and I wish you the best in the future"

You as well, looks like you have already found love however...

"Yes, we are both doing great, branching out... Are you still in the city?"

Yes.

"I would love to take you to coffee"

Hmm.. I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure you out.

"What's to figure out? If my motives are genuine?"

Whatever they are I'm sure they are genuine, and whatever they are I'm sure I can figure you out after one coffee.

"I doubt that but you're welcome to try. I just wanted to see that pretty face of yours again, love. Or we can keep on like this, either way, I will see you eventually"

Anywhere I can get an Americano. I still have my doubts about you, though.

"Coffee is harmless. People don't fuck at coffee shops, that I know of. Offer still stands if you want. I would like to. Still"

Are you just looking for someone to cheat on your girlfriend with?

"No, I want to thank you for coming out that night. I lost your number when my jealous girlfriend took it out of my hand after I gave you a hug goodbye. If she hadn't had done that, believe me, things wouldn't be the same as they are today... You are gorgeous, no denying that, but I'm not here to toil with your emotions or come between you and your man. I just wanted to buy coffee for the girl I was interested in, and who I am pretty sure, was interested in me too. You can't deny our chemistry, I just want to build on that, as friends"

I'm free next week.

"I can't wait to see you."

March 24, 2012 - Ryan

I can hardly wait to see him. I've been dreaming all day about what might happen tonight. 4 days since I've last eaten, dying to fit into a 24in waisted black flowy mini skirt. My new black leather and suede wedge ankle boots wait for me at the door and I check the time again.

 I can hardly believe it when I fit into the skirt, admiring my reflection with a softly coloured, semi-transparent loose camisole tucked in and my cropped moto jacket. Praying that the 4 double gin-and tonics I've just downed with my girlfriend won't show up anywhere on my body tomorrow. Out the door we go and I fill her in on the evenings plans.

"We've been talking for a few classes now. His name is Ryan. He sits beside me, but not at my table and we flirt, but just a little. It's hard to breath sometimes, you can just feel the tension, you know?" He's got the cutest smile with a tall frame and a strong body. The bluest of blue eyes and he wears these angora and cashmere sweaters that just make me want to sink into him.
"Last class he invited me to this hip-hop show, I guess he's performing in it."

We get to the club, and I can feel the eyes on me as I move towards the bar. I run my fingers through my blow out and pull my hair over one shoulder, just to see their reactions.
I don't know anyone here, which is surprising, and immediately tells me that this place, is not my regular scene. I take off my jacket, and kiss my bony shoulder, looking up through thick lashes to find him.

After his performance and 2 shots of tequila for confidence, (because the 1/2 dozen G&T's and the other 1/2 dozen men wanting me weren't quite cutting it) I watch him with a few of his friends and catch his eye. There's a blonde girl next to him, but they don't look friendly.
"You were great, I've got to go see a few other friends in a band at another bar in Gastown, but here's my number."
We hug, I kiss his cheek and run out the door with my girlfriend without ever looking back.

A group of people are waiting with the bouncers outside for us. We grab their arms and we run into the night. Or just the next Irish bar we can find with a dance floor. 20 mins later I'm on the outskirts of the dancers, watching the crowd. I'm lost in my observations.

"Quit having so much fun! You're making everybody here jealous..."
I turn around and smile. He's very cute, with a young face but the grace of a much older man. Designer jeans that are made to look like Levi's, with a blue plaid Banana republic button down, sleeves rolled up and a half finished beer in his hand.
"My friend is off making out with some guy.." I roll my eyes a little. I'm still smiling.

He takes a step towards me, "Well how lucky for me then. Hi, my name is J"

Everything I never wanted to say

This addiction has taken over my life. It paralyzes every dream, hope or aspiration and creates nothing but chaos in it's wake if you can ever escape the eye of the storm.
I smoke pot every day. I can't seem to cope other wise. I either seem too nervous to handle day-to-day interactions or too bored to care.
I am obsessed with myself. All I think about all day is me, and those that affect me. I obsess over what to wear, how to to my make up, how pathetic I am for the little that I accomplish, how I feel, attempting to be productive and choosing to get high instead. In any form I can, pills, pot, or fasting highs.
Today calls for all of the above.

I worry that my love for J is superficial. I see the life I could have with him, and it's great. We would get married and be happy together in a big house with a few children in private school. (the only way J said he'd have kids is if he could afford to send them to private school, which luckily is very realistic since he makes great money and will make much more in the near future) But it's never the life that I though for myself. I always wanted adventure, and travel with a blur of strangers faces. That was safe to me. Being anonymous, that mystery girl in someone else's amazing story. The captivator; entanchtress, who seduces every audience with exactly what they've been craving and leaves before no one is the wiser. Before anyone gets close enough to see me. I would hide in plain site.

Dark Secret:
I worry that I am walking into the life my mother chose with my Father. I see so much of my Dad in J, and I can easily see the steps it would take to get him to the same place. It's funny because it really would give me the answer to the question; 'Could I, or anyone else, have changed him?' 

He makes me want things I've never wanted before. Things like Recovery. He's started this awful civil war inside my soul. 2 needs that beg to be satiated. The need for her; the love of him. I would die if he ever knew any of this about me. That I'm broken, and in pieces but he makes me feel whole. But just because I feel whole does not mean that I am!

I look at my options; continue on this path of addiction, using drugs daily, being dependant on substances to get me through and continue pretending that I am someone I'm not, until eventually I am caught. It's inevitable. He will fill out. I've already done so much covering it's about to come out. He's done everything but ask me point blank if I have an eating disorder. All I am is a high-functioning addict. He is part of my addiction.

It's frustrating for me, because I keep trying to analyze, rationalize and explain my feelings but because my Cortisol levels are so fucked it makes me extremely emotional. So I feel like so depressed and angry and stir-crazy and agitated and blame it on this or that but then second guess if that's really a reason to feel this way. And I can't trust myself as a fair judge. Like I've lost my Totem or something from Inception. There's nothing to ground me.

Last weekend J told me that sometimes he feels like I lie to him, and he's right. I denied it all of course, he only thought that sometimes I lie about small unimportant details, which doesn't matter so much, or make much sense which I worked in my favour. But I hate having all of these secrets from him.

Sometimes I feel like my feelings are so unvalidated that I need to fabricate a reason for their presence. How pathetic is that? I'll cry at night because I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in that doesn't cause my skin to fold and feel my fat rubbing together, but I can't say that out loud, now can I?  I lay awake at night, imaging my life spinning out of control like pulling at a loose thread, starting with failing my classes, getting kicked out of school, telling J, taking out student loans, further working myself into debt, loosing J, never getting a post-secondary education, proving my father right that I am the problem who can't do anything right, living a life worthy of being a punch line. But I can't say that out loud, now can I? I can't eat because I'm so unsure of my decision to not have my father in my life, that how can I be sure that I am allowed to feed myself? But I can't say that out loud, now can I? 

I swear it's not me. 

"Feeling sick and helpless, loss the compass where self is;
I know what I gotta do, and I can't help it.
One day at a time is what they tell us, now I gotta find a way to tell em.
God help em..."
- Macklemore