I'm back on here, I've been so sporradic lately.
Trying to be good, Dying to be bad, Needing to be thin.
Things have fallen apart.
I have no idea what my life looks like.
I'm stuck in the same spot I always find myself in. So scared too make the wrong decision I'm paralyzed.
I've been given the option to stay in Vancouver. With my family. With my friends. In my city. Where I haven't been for almost a year. God, it's so tempting. I think I might do it.
There's so much to consider, rules with my scholarship, the dynamics of the divorce, Curtis, Andrew everyone giving me a different opinion on what they think is best, those that matter moth with holding their needs. Makes for a confusing headspace for me.
Everything feels foreign to me.
I've stayed away from coke, but God how tempting does it sound?
I was so happy for a bit here. So happy to be home, to see everyone. I don't want to be the same girl I was when I left. But God how thin was she?!
Andrew and I finally had a small blowout. The one you've been waiting for for months. Where the emotions have been boiling and bubbling but you keep letting time build over top until it erupts. I was honest with him. And he finally got MAD at me. Anger is better than the calm stone surface he's been giving me lately. I just need any kind of emotionally reaction to know he fucking gives a damn!
Curtis has shut down, he's had such an adjustment coming back home from the war. I dream of him, being together, what it will feel like when I first see him. I wake up devestated.
I've never felt so lonely. I've been taking Tylenol 3's because I fell off a cliff on a weekend trip off a rope swing and nearly broke my foot. They seem to just be feeding my depression.
I'm eating normally, but the worse things get the less and less I eat. The tylenols cut my appetite but make me feel sick. At least not eating is not eating.
No idea where to go from here. I'm so confused. Such a mess. Wanting drugs, so bad. Just anything to not feel like myself. I hate myself right now. I've put myself here. I put myself in this position.
I've never wanted to be the girl wanting things she can't have, or even worse, doesn't deserve. Never.
Here I am though.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
No, I am not gone!
Hi sweethearts! God is it good to see what all you have been up to! I've missed you all <33
I'm back home now, been here for about a week now but my laptop broke and I had to use my moms and couldn't risk sneaking on here and her seeing the website. But today I just got the brand new macbook pro for school and it is AMAZING. I like shinynewthings :) hehehe
There is so much to tell you guys. I'll condense things as best as I can but theres a lot of it.
So the first day I flew in Andrew contacts me and wants to come over. *goodsignthankthelord* and I was as happy as happy can be. I was really excited but kept my head on straight and kept telling myself that you never know whats going to happen. We watched a movie, cuddled and ended up spending the night together.
It was great. Everything I had been waiting for. Every nervous feeling every ounce of anxiety was calmed. But then the guilt set in. As it always does, and refuses to let me enjoy this bliss. Andrew doesnt know I'm about to leave at the end of the summer. He also doesn't know that I have a boy coming to be with me, who will be living in Toronto while I'm there for school. He has no idea. Curtis (military boy) has no idea that I still have feelings for Andrew. It's not fair to either of them. My heads a mess at this point.
So I do what any girl does, I surround myself with my friends and focus on everything thats around me and how wonderful it is. I kept telling myself that I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. Sometimes I would close my eyes and repeat that over and over again and when I open them I'm still surprised to see where I am. Surrounded by my bestfriends, the ones who have known me since I was a little girl. There is so much beauty around my city, I've fallen inlove with it all over again. The most amazing feeling is rediscovering something so fantastic that you've had for so long. (ironically the way I was viewing my relationship with Andrew)
So I let things cool off between us, meanwhile trying to eat 'healthy'. I had been living off of italian food so the bonus of that was I did not want to see a single carb (pasta/pizza) AT ALL. But I was really craving ethnic food, curry, sushi, chinese etc. I let myself have some but kept the binge at bay. Trying to only eat when I'm really hungry. Still distracting myself from food but trying to portion things. I've been doing okay with that. I have noticed a bit of a weight gain but my clothes are still fitting loose and I've been so happy lately that I think the energy I've been giving off with my new found confidence has been distracting people away from any bodily imperfections that I notice.
Meanwhile Curtis and I haven't been talking a whole lot, not so much of a dialogue. And I'm trying really hard to hold onto the memory of that spark we had together back in Rome. But it's easy to forget and honestly, as much as I could love him and have these great feelings for him if something fun comes along and he isn't here.. is it really harmless? Andrew I think was a bad idea because there is so much history there and I was giving him the wrong impression. But Curtis and I have never discusses being exclusive with eachother, we only talk about how strong are feelings are for one another and how amazing we feel when we are together. When we're together, we'll be together. He's told me that as soon as we're in the same city the first thing he's doing is officially making me his girlfriend. He even told me he'd put on his military uniform and sweep me off my feet. *sigh* life as a movie...
Anyways, last night was the first time Andrew and I had really spoken since we had been together. He called me while I was at a concert downtown just 'keeping tabs' on me..cool. Then shows up at my house when I get home, he had happened to be at his brothers friends house for some beers who just happens to live 3 doors down from me..weird. (weirdly enough this neighbour that I met is SO hot.. *drool* God I just can't help myself can I?) I told him everything..almost. I told him about Toronto and then he asked if he could stay over and I said no and he assumed it was because of my Mom. To which I agreed but added on 'among other things' somewhat under my breath. He heard that and said 'like what' So then I told him that I'm kind of seeing someone. Told him his name and that he's coming back from Aghanistan and is moving to Toronto with me. He was shocked, fair enough. I could read his face so well regardless as to what words were coming out of his mouth. He was upset I didn't tell him earlier. Fair enough. But when was I supposed to? The NIGHT I flew back into the country? The day we started talking after 6 months of silence while I'm half way across the world? He understood that atleast but was still shook up over everything. I went back to meet his brothers friends and say hi to his brother after our talk and he didn't say 2 words the whole time we were there.
Does anyone else see an correleation between boys and dieting? I mean I'm just noticing that most of my motivation for starving was because I wanted to impress Andrew. Then as soon as I 'get him' I start to wander back to the path of 'healthiness'... What do you guys think? Do you notice certain behavoirs about yourself or your eating patterns that change based on your relationship status? For instance I've read a lot of blogs about girls with boyfriends who modify their diets so they have to eat in front of him, or ways to get around meals with the bf.
I'll leave everyone here with this chapter of my life for now. Right now I'm trying to organize myself, school, friends, life, love but I'll keep everyone updating on how everything is going, and how Ana falls into play. I've still been keeping it what would be considered 'low cal' for a healthy person. Always lower than 2000 cals, holy crap that number looks gigantic when you write it down....
I am reading all your blogs even if I'm not commenting. I'm getting myself caught up with all you lovelies!!
I'm back home now, been here for about a week now but my laptop broke and I had to use my moms and couldn't risk sneaking on here and her seeing the website. But today I just got the brand new macbook pro for school and it is AMAZING. I like shinynewthings :) hehehe
There is so much to tell you guys. I'll condense things as best as I can but theres a lot of it.
So the first day I flew in Andrew contacts me and wants to come over. *goodsignthankthelord* and I was as happy as happy can be. I was really excited but kept my head on straight and kept telling myself that you never know whats going to happen. We watched a movie, cuddled and ended up spending the night together.
It was great. Everything I had been waiting for. Every nervous feeling every ounce of anxiety was calmed. But then the guilt set in. As it always does, and refuses to let me enjoy this bliss. Andrew doesnt know I'm about to leave at the end of the summer. He also doesn't know that I have a boy coming to be with me, who will be living in Toronto while I'm there for school. He has no idea. Curtis (military boy) has no idea that I still have feelings for Andrew. It's not fair to either of them. My heads a mess at this point.
So I do what any girl does, I surround myself with my friends and focus on everything thats around me and how wonderful it is. I kept telling myself that I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. Sometimes I would close my eyes and repeat that over and over again and when I open them I'm still surprised to see where I am. Surrounded by my bestfriends, the ones who have known me since I was a little girl. There is so much beauty around my city, I've fallen inlove with it all over again. The most amazing feeling is rediscovering something so fantastic that you've had for so long. (ironically the way I was viewing my relationship with Andrew)
So I let things cool off between us, meanwhile trying to eat 'healthy'. I had been living off of italian food so the bonus of that was I did not want to see a single carb (pasta/pizza) AT ALL. But I was really craving ethnic food, curry, sushi, chinese etc. I let myself have some but kept the binge at bay. Trying to only eat when I'm really hungry. Still distracting myself from food but trying to portion things. I've been doing okay with that. I have noticed a bit of a weight gain but my clothes are still fitting loose and I've been so happy lately that I think the energy I've been giving off with my new found confidence has been distracting people away from any bodily imperfections that I notice.
Meanwhile Curtis and I haven't been talking a whole lot, not so much of a dialogue. And I'm trying really hard to hold onto the memory of that spark we had together back in Rome. But it's easy to forget and honestly, as much as I could love him and have these great feelings for him if something fun comes along and he isn't here.. is it really harmless? Andrew I think was a bad idea because there is so much history there and I was giving him the wrong impression. But Curtis and I have never discusses being exclusive with eachother, we only talk about how strong are feelings are for one another and how amazing we feel when we are together. When we're together, we'll be together. He's told me that as soon as we're in the same city the first thing he's doing is officially making me his girlfriend. He even told me he'd put on his military uniform and sweep me off my feet. *sigh* life as a movie...
Anyways, last night was the first time Andrew and I had really spoken since we had been together. He called me while I was at a concert downtown just 'keeping tabs' on me..cool. Then shows up at my house when I get home, he had happened to be at his brothers friends house for some beers who just happens to live 3 doors down from me..weird. (weirdly enough this neighbour that I met is SO hot.. *drool* God I just can't help myself can I?) I told him everything..almost. I told him about Toronto and then he asked if he could stay over and I said no and he assumed it was because of my Mom. To which I agreed but added on 'among other things' somewhat under my breath. He heard that and said 'like what' So then I told him that I'm kind of seeing someone. Told him his name and that he's coming back from Aghanistan and is moving to Toronto with me. He was shocked, fair enough. I could read his face so well regardless as to what words were coming out of his mouth. He was upset I didn't tell him earlier. Fair enough. But when was I supposed to? The NIGHT I flew back into the country? The day we started talking after 6 months of silence while I'm half way across the world? He understood that atleast but was still shook up over everything. I went back to meet his brothers friends and say hi to his brother after our talk and he didn't say 2 words the whole time we were there.
Does anyone else see an correleation between boys and dieting? I mean I'm just noticing that most of my motivation for starving was because I wanted to impress Andrew. Then as soon as I 'get him' I start to wander back to the path of 'healthiness'... What do you guys think? Do you notice certain behavoirs about yourself or your eating patterns that change based on your relationship status? For instance I've read a lot of blogs about girls with boyfriends who modify their diets so they have to eat in front of him, or ways to get around meals with the bf.
I'll leave everyone here with this chapter of my life for now. Right now I'm trying to organize myself, school, friends, life, love but I'll keep everyone updating on how everything is going, and how Ana falls into play. I've still been keeping it what would be considered 'low cal' for a healthy person. Always lower than 2000 cals, holy crap that number looks gigantic when you write it down....
I am reading all your blogs even if I'm not commenting. I'm getting myself caught up with all you lovelies!!
Love Always,
Ana's Angel
xo
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