Springsteen

I've put on weight and I can see it and I hate it and I want it gone. Sound familiar? Back around this merry-go-fucking-round I go. J has started to notice how little I eat, he hasn't stopped me or made any comments during meal times but in passing he always tells me how little I eat. Whenever I'm with him I usually just get a coffee for breakfast somewhere, starve the whole day, then cook us dinner (which I can calorie-control) and thats it's. Lately my biggest downfall has been wine. Since I can't smoke pot when I'm at his house, since he hates it and I try and respect that, I've been having a glass of wine or a few before bed to help me relax. It's back fired in so many ways. Alcohol is a downer so a lot of times it just makes me sad. I hate it when he sees me like that because he sees right through the 'I'm fine's'. I hate it when people know I am upset, if they are unaware then I can just pretend I'm fine, so long as they believe the lie then I can convince myself of it as well. This doesn't happen with J.

I still haven't pulled out the scale. I need to give myself a few days of cleansing first before I can even get a true read. I feel so FULL. I want to feel empty again, I'm chasing that high, that escape. Last night I had to go to my grandparents house for my grandfather's birthday, they ordered chinese food. There is nothing healthy about chinese food, but every dish they ordered had meat in it, so I couldn't eat it. It was good because there was no way they could make me eat anything, but the fact that they just didn't even think about me or what I would eat really hurt. I sat there at the table with my plate glistening white, sipping my wine and staring at the table cloth, only getting up to clear dishes and bring more food out. There was no point to me being there even. I spent most of the dinner trying to keep it together and not cry, my family literally just forgot about me. It really got to me. But then we brought out the presents for my grandfather, and this was the first time I've done my own gift and not just signed a name on a card. I put together a college of photos in one of those artsy 5 picture frames of him and I, some when I was really young, others more recent and a few of me in his little village in Italy. He almost started crying, even just when he read my card and that made me really happy.

In a few weeks it will be my birthday. I invited J to my big family get together where he will meet my grandparents, uncle, dad and his girlfriend. All of whom he has heard endless stories about, bless his heart for agreeing to come even after everything he's heard. I know he isn't keen on it but he always just says, 'If you want me to be there, I will' and having him there will make me feel so much better, I want him close. My birthday has been my strongest motivation over the past few days. I just want to look so dainty and fragile. I want to weigh the same I did when I met J, 125 lbs. I'm really nervous about having everyone in the same room, and I kinda fucked up in a big way... When I was making the facebook event I had just sparked a bowl, thinking 'when I write the description I will be so much funnier stoned' and then went on to the invite list... I selected Andrew as an invite, went through the rest of my list, thought better of my decision but forgot to unclick him...I immediately uninvited him but the invite still got sent out, notifying him. So of course I then get a message from him wondering what the shit that was about (we also haven't spoken since the beginning of March) so to save face I told him that he was invited and I don't know why he got taken off the list... must have been some weird facebook error right? I was nothing but polite, even invited his girlfriend Mary and said she was welcome he if wanted to bring her. He asked me how I am, told me he misses hanging out. I do a little bit too, I hate leaving people behind, I feel like I'm abandoning them and the guilt is too much. So now I have no idea if Andrew and or Mary are planning on attending, and J will be there, and all my best girlfriends who do not like Andrew one fucking bit. And J knows about none of this, he always stops me mid-sentence whenever I'm about to say anything ex-related. The past is the past, and thats it. So that should be interesting if not entertaining...

The biggest thing weighing on my mind lately has really been a throwback... so here goes nothing: I miss my dad. And I fucking hate myself for it. J reminds me of him in so many ways it's mind boggling, and it's reminded me about the good in my dad. And then immediately one of the millions of awful memories shoves it's way to the front of my brain and reminds me of who he is. Every time some good part of him comes back it's countered in ten fold with the bad. I miss having a dad. I miss being normal. I hate this wanting. I want to not want, I want to not need, I want it so badly. I don't want this problem weighing on my relationship, I'm tired of it getting in the way. I'm sick of not being able to explain myself. I'm sick of worrying myself sick with how it sounds. I'm sick of being terrified that I'll be alone if I open up about how sad I am, I don't want anyone to realize how big of a problem I am and just give up. I don't want to be given up on, but in a lot of ways I feel like I've given up on myself already.

love always,

xoxo

Don't Bring Me Down

 I haven't written a post in quite a while, I'm still here and reading though. I guess I haven't had much to say recently... things are still going beautifully with J, it just keeps getting better and better with him and I can't stop smiling. When he kisses me, he tells me that I have this faint little smile on my face after and it's so involuntary I don't realize I'm doing it. I love that about him, how attentive and perceptive he is. We notice the same things, interpret in the same way, it's like we are the only two people in the world who speak the same language sometimes.

It was a long weekend here for me, which means he had the day off of work yesterday and so we spent the entire 4-day weekend together. It was the longest block of time we've spent with each other non-stop. Normally I would lose my shit, I need my space, I need my privacy, I need to just get away for a while. But I feel so safe with him, and on saturday I even slept the entire night in his arms without feeling like I was suffocating or subconsciously rolling away in the middle of the night. I can never sleep at his place, be it his awful futon of a bed, or his office-sized room located directly behind the kitchen, or the unfamiliar sounds and feeling of another body lying next to me, whatever. But here's the thing: It's getting better... something I never thought I would hear myself say.


The more time I spend with him, I notice these small little quirks, and it sends me into a flood of memories of my dad. J has the same work-mentality my father does. He is very ambitious and driven and is (in my opinion) too hard on himself. He is an engineer so his work can get quite stressful, and just a few days ago he got a really big promotion to run his entire plant. He's 26, and still doesn't feel like this is cause for celebration. Oh well, my mother still put together a roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy style dinner to congratulate him, which I thought was really nice. Luckily being a vegetarian gets me out of most foods, so I had some broccoli and mushrooms with peppers. Dessert was angel food cake and berries, thank you mom for having the forethought not to get a giant chocolate ice cream monstrosity that I would later just purge. J eats very healthy as well, almost disordered in a few ways but I'm pretty sure his poor habits really do revolve around 'forgetting to eat' and 'being too busy' because he is always on the go. And when he does eat, he eats pretty normally, just not lots of sweets or processed/junk food. This makes it easier on me when we go out because he won't ever choose a place to go that wouldn't have any safe food there for me. I also cook for us, a lot. So it gives me control over what goes into the food and how it is prepared. I can say that this has definitely helped my eating become 'more normal' over the past monthish. (read: by no means are my eating habits normal at all again, but I've started incorperating lots of different foods, still keeping my portions Ana sized and making sure my numbers are where they should be)

I haven't weighed myself in weeks. I don't want to know. I don't want to be obsessing over 2 pounds that no one else will really notice if they are there or not. If I start putting on weight that I can see, or my clothes start fitting tight or 'not right' in my eyes, I starve. But I also try and make the best effort to appear normal, especially in front of J. My size 4 jeans are still quite loose, my 26's are still loose, and though I have started to lose a bit of muscle definition in my legs just from a lack of working out, I'm okay with it. For now.

J is always so good with me and complimenting me. It makes me feel so beautiful. On sunday morning I made him and I both omelettes for breakfast. His was ham and cheddar cheese, mine was sauteed onions and mushrooms with light cheese and spinach. My entire omelette had under 200cals but was quite a large size and when I sat down with him he goes, 'such a big plate of food for such a tiny little girl! You sure you're going to be able to finish that??" mocking me a bit, and I loved it. I ate normally, controlled everything that was in my food, and had a nutritious low cal breakfast. Or once we were going through pictures of me on facebook (which he does not have, and refuses to use but wanted to see my life) once we had gone through every last one he pulls me on top of him, looks into my eyes with a smile on his face and says, "Maybe sometimes I take this for granted but you are absolutely gorgeous" or if he can't fall asleep and I rub his back to help him relax he says 'I can't help it, I can remember what's lying next to me and I just want to take you right now'. He really is so amazing. It's funny how I link up small things he does with my father's behaviour, because he tells me a lot of the little habits I do, remind him so much of his mother, even verbatim to some of my answers to his questions. They do say that biologically you are attracted to those that remind you of your parents.

For a while I was holding my breath there, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We still haven't had the real 'are we dating' talk yet, but I've introduced him as my boyfriend in front of him without correction and he's referred to me as his girlfriend so thats that. I feel like I can breathe. Like maybe I can trust this. I'm always worried that if I open up a bit too much about something he's going to see how damaged, broken and a bit crazy I am and run off. I'm so worried he would leave me. Not in reality, I know it's far-fetched and illogical but the fear of abandonment and being all alone is the only negative floating around my brain the last while. Yet every time I cry in front of him (which I absolutely can NOT stand, I do NOT cry in front of people, that is now how my father raised me) he is nothing short of perfect. Brushing away my tears, kissing my face and holding me telling me that I'm human and he wants to see me cry, because it's part of who I am and life. I've told him a few things about my dad, he gets it. But sometimes when he asks all these questions it becomes too hard to turn my brain off and a movie of memories won't stop playing and I get to wrapped up in it I forget where I am or what I'm doing and I go quite; blank. But I can't talk about it, so I pretend I'm okay which just pisses J off. It's getting better, but it's still really hard.

It just feels right when I am with him. It feels like it should. Like everything fits together. Everything will be okay. Everything will work out. When I look at him, I hear myself thinking "I am so in love with you already" and when I look into his eyes or catch him stealing a look at me while driving I can see it caught up in his throat and it makes my heart burst. I have never been this happy, felt this valued and worthy, felt so loved.

love always,

xoxo

Let the Good Times Roll

On Sunday, J surprised me with an impromptu trip across the border to a beautiful little city getaway. It was absolutely wonderful. We stayed in a hotel right in the downtown core, walked along the board walk, checked out the sites and for a while I got to feel just like any other girl. I felt like I deserved to hold his hand and walk through the streets like any other person. I felt freedom to choose, to choose happiness and love and him. Everything about the trip was wonderful. The spontaneity of it all, we just picked up and kept driving, it was lovely. I opened up to him about my dad in the middle of the night, and he held me, and I cried, and he begged me to talk to him, to tell him what was going on, not to shut him out, that I can tell him anything and to trust him. I was so nervous I didn't want him to think of me as broken, but I knew it might help him a great deal in understanding me and I hope that's what it did. He is so amazing, I am so thankful I've found him finally.

Eating has been minimal, especially on a trip. You would think, limited options, oh good what will she do? Just not eat. That's always my answer. The last 2 nights have been mini-binges though, but I still saw 124.6 lbs on the scale. I want lower. Now. I purged everything I could last night, expelling most of my mistakes but there are 2 baked potatoes with a lot of butter, sour cream, and feta cheese still in me. It hurt so much to digest I sat on the toilet writhing in pain last night and this morning, it was awful. So now I'm going to work out on the arc-trainer for a while before I go and try and get me a job!

I'm the happiest I can ever remember myself being. It is absolutely gorgeous outside which I love, my friends are all home, I have a wonderful boyfriend. If only I can bring myself to open that letter from university...

love always,

xoxo

More of the Same

I've had the flu the last few days, so my eating has been minimal. I'm trying to encourage myself to eat to keep up my strength, but I can't help but use this as another excuse to refuse food. I really really want to get better though so I can spend sometime with J. He was sick earlier in the week but we went to a movie and I think I must have caught it from him. Infections hit me harder than other people, same with medication, my body is just over sensitive and I have a chronic thyroid condition that lowers my immune system plus my ed = a very weak body.

I'm going completely stir-crazy in my house. All I do is sit in bed or on the couch all day. It's been hard because I get very lonely. Back in December, I would have given anything to be left alone. But now people around people seems safe again. I can't eat in front of people, for 2 different reasons. One, I suspect that a number of certain people know/suspect I have an ed and in my head, eating in front of them would be failing, I would fail at being anorexic. The other is pure shame, I know they are thinking in their heads that I shouldn't be eating that. So if I surround myself with people then I can avoid food. Normally I would have passed all this time with cooking or baking but luckily I don't have the strength for it. Yesterday I had to sit on my kitchen floor while my soup microwaved because I was too weak to stand, I can't make it up a flight of stairs either and I am constantly short of breath. It's this nasty cough, I can't wait to shake it.

The good thing is that yesterday I weighed in at 125.6 lbs but this morning I weighed in at 128.0 lbs. I think it's because my stomach still had a bit of food in it from the night before (I ate an entire cantaloup, but the only other thing I ate was some of my mashed cauliflower) so I was anticipating a bit of a gain, which although torturous, does make it a bit easier. Today I've upped my protein intake, which I suspect might make me gain a bit, because I lost muscle mass and not fat. My day has looked like:
mashed cauliflower - 40cals
1 veggie patty - 110 cals
scrambled eggs with light cheese - 150 cals
watermelon slushie - 80 cals
2 crystal lights - 20 cals
Total: 400 cals


That's the most I've consumed in 3 days, yesterday I made a smoothie with 1 small banana and 5 strawberries and sipped it throughout the day. Nothing else.

I'm glad to be back where I was. I love wrapping my arms around my torso and seeing how far they go, and how bones feel underneath me. It's the weirdest thing. But it's also frustrating to think that when it was months ago when I first saw 128 on the scale, and I'm still there. My birthday is in 5 weeks and I'd like to set a goal: I want to weigh 115 lbs on my birthday. That will be the smallest I've been since 8th grade maybe. Even the last round with Ana, the lowest I saw was 119 briefly. I can't wait to get there again. I just want to be the very best for J.

My relationship with J has been going well. I really like him, and he's held my interest this long. A big concern of mine however, is loosing myself in him. I'm so terrified that the same thing with Andrew will happen with J, that I've got some idea in my mind of how he is feeling and what we are doing and in the end all my dreams get crushed. We haven't had the 'are we officially dating' talk yet, but it also feels redundant in a lot of ways. It feels like we met and just instantly started dating. I was hoping we would be able to talk about it this weekend, maybe tomorrow if I'm feeling better I'll go to his house. I just don't want to THAT girl you know? I want him to tell me that I'm his, and no one else's, and he's mine. I guess maybe I've just been feeling a bit disconnected from him since we haven't spent much time together this week, it really sucks. I've noticed that at the beginning of relationships I hold back, usually because I fall hard and quick and I know it's not safe. But the second I release my breath and think that things will be fine, they fall apart and I'm left broken. I'm still holding my breath with J, and it's making me dizzy...

Being in this house alone gives me too much time to think. My over-analytical mind is working in over drive and I can't even smoke pot to calm my anxiety with this cough. I feel like a small child again, who just wants to be held and looked after and told that she's loved. I'm craving some kind of human connection, just to be touched, held, something. It makes me feel weak, weak and needy, and I don't like it.

love always,

xoxo