A mess! What else is new?

Hey lovelies! I don't have time for a big post but we'll see how far I get before I have to run off to work!
I've been locking myself in my room the past week...
It all started last Wednesday, I finally just decided to take the plunge and tell Andrew how I feel.
I asked him if anything thats been happening between us had meant anything to him, and like the pussy he can be his response was 'um, can you answer that first so I can gauge your response before I say anything'.
SERIOUSLY.
I've seen his balls. they are there. somewhere. but right now his sandy vagina is fucking up everything.
So i told him I had feelings for him. and he told me,
" I have told you this before so you wouldn't have to tell me. I cannot move further than where we're at now. Sorry"
One of the most diplomatic let downs I've ever encountered.
My response to this was to leave work, go straight home to bed, and smoke and pop myself into a drug coma and sleep, I've been sleeping on average minimum 12 hours a day and one day I slept 18 hours. I just want to pretend none of this happened. But I know in order to move forward, or really move in any direction that's something we cant do. I'm fighting what feels natural to me, those 'brushed under the rug' come so naturally and I am such a good pretender...
So I've been licking my wounds the last few days, I haven't been talking to anyone. I can't handle public interactions. I can't be around people. I fake everything, nothing they say really seems to evoke a lot of emotion out of me. But I am trying really hard. I am putting myself in those uncomfortable situations more often and forcing myself to try and talk to my close friends instead of being completely anti-social.
The good thing about this tactic is that I've lost weight! Wednesday, Thursday and Friday all I had was coffee, diet coke, and I think one of my protein shakes, total over the 3 days. Now I've slowly started working in some laughing cow light cheese (40cals) into my broccoli soup (90 cals) and having some orange juice (100 cals) or source yogurt (35 cals).
The results have been great! My friends are all back home now from University so we'll see if they notice. My best friend told me how small I've gotten as soon as she hugged me. As sad as this is, all I'm working towards is hugging Andrew again and having him feel how much smaller I am in his arms and changing his view of me.
Back to Andrew, I've been heart broken. Paralyzed is really more like it. I've never gone out on a limb like this, put myself out there and gone for what I want and been this terrified. I threw up (not on purpose) right before I even told him. Seriously. How pathetic am I?
So We haven't been speaking much obviously and he asked me why I havent been talking to him. That was something I wasnt expecting. I thought he'd leave it in my court for me to handle and see how I reacted, most likely like nothing happened, and out of politeness he'd oblige.
We decided that on Thursday we'd talk and see what happens. No matter what I know that it won't go in my favor. I don't think he's ready. And it makes me so fucking angry. Because he CAN do this. He is just so damn scared. Even after I took the fear of rejection off the table he still couldn't commit. I dont know how to predict this outcome or try and hear the voice in his head and figure this all out. That's something I can always do. I never put myself in a situation where I didn't analyze all possible consequences and the probability of each consequence occuring. I hate this.
I miss him so much. Ironically if this was some other boy that was making me feel this way, Andrew would be the first person I'd call. He always makes me feel like myself. Like I can hit 'reset' just by seeing him.
I want to fight for us. I want to call him about. I want to tell him I know how scared he is, because I'm right there. I want to tell him he's not alone. I want to tell him I know a part of him still loves me. I want to tell him that I know that he can, if he lets himself. I want to do this, for real. seriously.
I must be going crazy right?
Fuck, girls I'm so sorry my thoughts are so screwed around right now. I thought writing them down might help me a bit but I just can't seem to get them together. I'm gonna be so screwed for Thursday. So help me God I don't cry.

Food related, obviously I'm avoiding food at all costs because if i eat bad bad things will happen. And too much is at stake right now, I can't afford a fucking mistake. The only things I've been eating are:
coffee (with organic sugar)
diet coke
water
tea
broccoli soup
source yogurt
boiled veggies (in the water they were boiled in *for nutrients* as a soup with spices *to kick metabolism*)
laughing cow light cheese (ONLY in soup and only once a weekish)
seriously thats it.

So good right?!?! I don't know how I'm going to get through this weekend though. This thursday I have a Dubstep concert to go to with my friends, and it's going to be right after my talk to Tim. So last week when I went to a concert and was able to stick to only sugar free redbull, will not be happening. I'm probably going to be doing some emotional drinking which I've accepted as reality but I know it's going to fuck me up so bad because of this fast. On Friday I tried to go to a concert with some friends and to stop myself from drinking empty calories, I took some T3's to kinda give me a high with the pot I smoked earlier, and it takes away my appetite. Well I guess I over did it or something but I couldn't keep anything down. Diet coke, water, ginger ale, nothing. I was throwing up involuntarily constantly and consistently. It was awful. So obviously that's the last thing I want to happen again. I'm going to try really hard not to drink but the fact of the matter is I could probably use one then and denying myself that outlet will most likely lead to me trying to relieve my emotions through another means, like food.
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD
I'll try a vodka tonic with lime, that's easy on the stomach and the calories.

Basically I'm a mess! But what else is new?
Guys I want this so fucking bad. It's all I can think about. Please send me some support out there!

Love each and every one of you!!

Ana's Angel

xo

parts of history

Hey guys, I'm still catching up on everyones blogs! It's hard to find time with the holidays and everything but I have been reading at every chance I get!
Today is my second day of a liquid fast, I'm hoping that'll shape my butt into gear and I already can see results. My stomach is flatter. My legs feel longer and leaner and this high that I get is amazing.
P.S having coffee on an empty stomach = cocaine like high.. just FYI

So surprise surprise, I have feelings for Andrew again.. I know who saw that coming right? Let's back up a bit and recap you all on my lovel ife. I promise I'll keep it breif.
Remember how I was trying to 'choose' between Andrew and Curtis (Military Man)? Yeah so Curtis just basically upped and deserted me. He was supposed to come visit me, we only live a ferry ride apart, when he was home from his tour. For whatever reason he didn't and I have not heard a single word from him since. He was going on and off the grid and was trying to explain to me that he was having communication issues with people and is going through a huge adjustment in his life going back to civilian living but eventually just broke down and stopped talking to me. I dont even remember the last thing he ever really wrote to me, some minor details about him coming to see me probably. Well he never did, and I sent him a message saying that I was getting the feeling I was never going to see him again. Well I may be fat but I'm not dumb cus that's exaclty what has happened.
He broke my heart.
That's the first time I've admit that. None of my friends really heard a lot about him, because I was living in Italy and everything was happening so fast so none of them really realized how much this affected me. I still have a picture of him and I kissing in Rome in my nighstand drawer, ironically next to the condom wrapper I weirdly saved from Andrew and I's first time together. (who the fuck am i??) I swallowed every tear and didn't talk to a single person about it. Instead, I logically fucked one of my guy friends so I had something else to seem upset about. This was good and bad. Mostly good because I needed the distraction, gotta find a way to shove those feelings down your throat right? It was bad because my friend, Rick*, was one of my good friend's ex boyfriends, and is also best friends with a close friend of mine, who's sister is my BEST friend. Confused yet? I know.
Long story short, no one was mad, everything was settled. But Rick's friend whose sister is my best friend, was/is in love with me.. more on that later
I dumped Rick because he kinda treated me poorly. We went on nice dates, expensive dinners and the sex was great but I just felt like I was annoying him at times. Might have been some crazy complex about my self esteem or the kid just loved to whine but he is now out of the picture.
Here's the doozie: Andrew. Every other time Andrew and I have hooked up, the following takes place: we both ignore eachother, playing this stupid fucking game of chicken until one of us caves and makes the first point of communication. That person now looses all control and the other one gets to have the talk about how 'we just arent ready for a relationship' (or something to that existent) Because even though we both have feelings for eachother, we will never admit them. Because then we are weak.
I'M OVER THAT.
I know right, huge steps forward. I actually want to BE with him. I've realized that we've been going round and round this fucking merry go round and doing this god damn dance together, when for the last 5 years, somehow someway we always end up with eachother. No matter what happens, no matter who moves to a different country, or who breaks whose heart, (there might need to be a 'whom' in here somewhere, whom the fuck cares) we always find our way back together. In some form.
I realized this last Friday. After I took him to a hockey game and he slept over for the second time that week. I'm too fucked up for anyone else. He's the only person who knows how to handle me, that I can actually tolerate. He's the one I think about first no matter what happens. The one I want to always be with or see no matter what I'm doing. God this is pathetic...

So, I'm trying this whole: DONT PROCRASTINATE BECAUSE WHEN YOU AVOID MAKING A DECISION EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT YOU USUALLY GET FUCKED BECAUSE OF IT.

What I actually did: Not tell him how I feel.

I suck.

I'm terrified! And I'm fat! How can I expect him to ever love me the way he did when I'm 20 pounds heavier now than I was?!
Now all of my energy is being poured into Ana, once I'm skinny I'll have some sort of right to ask him to love me.
In the mean time, Andrew has been sleeping with this other girl, we'll call her *Mary. Mary is not important. And the weird thing is, I don't even feel jealous about it... I've been in his life way longer than she is, she's not all that attractive (at least in my eyes) and history has proven to me that one way or another he'll come back.
Thought: If I'm banking on him and her breaking up just because that's whats always happened I'm a bit of an idiot, am I not?
Don't answer that.
Actually go ahead I havent had a comment on here in a while...
So to sum it up, I'm crazy (who knew?..) I'm still scared and hopelessly in love with Andrew (things have totally changed there...) and I'm still not telling him about it.
Once I loose this weight I know that everything will turn around. I know it will. It has before.

I'm trying to do a 3 day liquid fast, yesterday I had 1 diet coke, copious amounts of coffee, a smoothie that I made with 1 banana, almond milk, ice and 1 scoop of this protien powder I've picked up. It's great, 110 cals, 20g of protein plus it has 1 serving of greens and a buncha good junk for your body.
That seemed to kick start my hunger so I had a bowl of V8 broccoli soup and then cut up 2 slices of laughing cow light cheese to it. 200 cals there. Not bad.
Today I've had 2 cups of cofee, 6 shots of espresso (yep) and now I'm sipping on a diet coke. When I get home from work I'll make another protein smoothie but thats all I'm going to allow for today.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to decorate the Christmas tree with my Mom and Sister, and my Mom told me that she is buying Moscato, which is my favourite type of wine so I'll have to have a glass but maybe she won't give me shit if I don't finish it...

Stay Strong & Think Thin

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Returned.

Helloooo Cyberworld! I am back! For now.. who ever really knows those things. I know I've neglected a lot of you for a long time and I am so so SO sorry, especially my dear friend CinnamonBrown.
This post is going to be a mess, right now I am so wired on caffeine I feel like there are 5 clones of me in the room yelling at eachother trying to type.
It never seems to matter how long you are gone from Ana's world, or think you are.. you always end up in the same place. You change your goals, tell yourself, 'I'm better now' you think you can be happy. What a fucking stupid bitch I am for thinking that could happen.
There has been so much that has gone on since I last posted. I am dying to tell you all everything but first I want to catch up on all of your blogs and offer some support before I turn into my selfish story telling ways.

I will tell all of you this: I am so glad I am back, but as we all know there's that small part of you that regrets being here. It's the same part of you that exhales with relief once order is restored, that saddens itself with these things.
I've gone Vegetarian now, which has been going pretty well. I stopped eating meat in the very beginning of September. At first I had a bit of a weight gain because I was trying to be 'healthy' and was concerned about my protein intake, so suddenly cheese was a safe food, and carbs we're okay again...
FUCK THAT NOISE.

Now I'm back to dropping weight with the help of a serious caffeine addiction, and filling up on veggies. The only real protein I eat is lite tofu (which is 130cals for a portion about the size of both my hand sput together) and some laughing cow light cheese. Going to try and keep this up for as long as possible and then switch.

Think Thin & Stay Strong

love.love.love.

Ana's Angel

xo

Falling Apart

I'm back on here, I've been so sporradic lately.
Trying to be good, Dying to be bad, Needing to be thin.
Things have fallen apart.
I have no idea what my life looks like.
I'm stuck in the same spot I always find myself in. So scared too make the wrong decision I'm paralyzed.
I've been given the option to stay in Vancouver. With my family. With my friends. In my city. Where I haven't been for almost a year. God, it's so tempting. I think I might do it.
There's so much to consider, rules with my scholarship, the dynamics of the divorce, Curtis, Andrew everyone giving me a different opinion on what they think is best, those that matter moth with holding their needs. Makes for a confusing headspace for me.
Everything feels foreign to me.
I've stayed away from coke, but God how tempting does it sound?
I was so happy for a bit here. So happy to be home, to see everyone. I don't want to be the same girl I was when I left. But God how thin was she?!

Andrew and I finally had a small blowout. The one you've been waiting for for months. Where the emotions have been boiling and bubbling but you keep letting time build over top until it erupts. I was honest with him. And he finally got MAD at me. Anger is better than the calm stone surface he's been giving me lately. I just need any kind of emotionally reaction to know he fucking gives a damn!
Curtis has shut down, he's had such an adjustment coming back home from the war. I dream of him, being together, what it will feel like when I first see him. I wake up devestated.
I've never felt so lonely. I've been taking Tylenol 3's because I fell off a cliff on a weekend trip off a rope swing and nearly broke my foot. They seem to just be feeding my depression.

I'm eating normally, but the worse things get the less and less I eat. The tylenols cut my appetite but make me feel sick. At least not eating is not eating.
No idea where to go from here. I'm so confused. Such a mess. Wanting drugs, so bad. Just anything to not feel like myself. I hate myself right now. I've put myself here. I put myself in this position.
I've never wanted to be the girl wanting things she can't have, or even worse, doesn't deserve.  Never.
Here I am though.

No, I am not gone!

Hi sweethearts! God is it good to see what all you have been up to! I've missed you all <33

I'm back home now, been here for about a week now but my laptop broke and I had to use my moms and couldn't risk sneaking on here and her seeing the website. But today I just got the brand new macbook pro for school and it is AMAZING. I like shinynewthings :) hehehe

There is so much to tell you guys. I'll condense things as best as I can but theres a lot of it.

So the first day I flew in Andrew contacts me and wants to come over. *goodsignthankthelord* and I was as happy as happy can be. I was really excited but kept my head on straight and kept telling myself that you never know whats going to happen. We watched a movie, cuddled and ended up spending the night together.
It was great. Everything I had been waiting for. Every nervous feeling every ounce of anxiety was calmed. But then the guilt set in. As it always does, and refuses to let me enjoy this bliss. Andrew doesnt know I'm about to leave at the end of the summer. He also doesn't know that I have a boy coming to be with me, who will be living in Toronto while I'm there for school. He has no idea. Curtis (military boy) has no idea that I still have feelings for Andrew. It's not fair to either of them. My heads a mess at this point.
So I do what any girl does, I surround myself with my friends and focus on everything thats around me and how wonderful it is. I kept telling myself that I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. Sometimes I would close my eyes and repeat that over and over again and when I open them I'm still surprised to see where I am. Surrounded by my bestfriends, the ones who have known me since I was a little girl. There is so much beauty around my city, I've fallen inlove with it all over again. The most amazing feeling is rediscovering something so fantastic that you've had for so long. (ironically the way I was viewing my relationship with Andrew)

So I let things cool off between us, meanwhile trying to eat 'healthy'. I had been living off of italian food so the bonus of that was I did not want to see a single carb (pasta/pizza) AT ALL. But I was really craving ethnic food, curry, sushi, chinese etc. I let myself have some but kept the binge at bay. Trying to only eat when I'm really hungry. Still distracting myself from food but trying to portion things. I've been doing okay with that. I have noticed a bit of a weight gain but my clothes are still fitting loose and I've been so happy lately that I think the energy I've been giving off with my new found confidence has been distracting people away from any bodily imperfections that I notice.

Meanwhile Curtis and I haven't been talking a whole lot, not so much of a dialogue. And I'm trying really hard to hold onto the memory of that spark we had together back in Rome. But it's easy to forget and honestly, as much as I could love him and have these great feelings for him if something fun comes along and he isn't here.. is it really harmless? Andrew I think was a bad idea because there is so much history there and I was giving him the wrong impression. But Curtis and I have never discusses being exclusive with eachother, we only talk about how strong are feelings are for one another and how amazing we feel when we are together. When we're together, we'll be together. He's told me that as soon as we're in the same city the first thing he's doing is officially making me his girlfriend. He even told me he'd put on his military uniform and sweep me off my feet. *sigh* life as a movie...

Anyways, last night was the first time Andrew and I had really spoken since we had been together. He called me while I was at a concert downtown just 'keeping tabs' on me..cool. Then shows up at my house when I get home, he had happened to be at his brothers friends house for some beers who just happens to live 3 doors down from me..weird. (weirdly enough this neighbour that I met is  SO hot.. *drool* God I just can't help myself can I?) I told him everything..almost. I told him about Toronto and then he asked if he could stay over and I said no and he assumed it was because of my Mom. To which I agreed but added on 'among other things' somewhat under my breath. He heard that and said 'like what' So then I told him that I'm kind of seeing someone. Told him his name and that he's coming back from Aghanistan and is moving to Toronto with me. He was shocked, fair enough. I could read his face so well regardless as to what words were coming out of his mouth. He was upset I didn't tell him earlier. Fair enough. But when was I supposed to? The NIGHT I flew back into the country? The day we started talking after 6 months of silence while I'm half way across the world? He understood that atleast but was still shook up over everything. I went back to meet his brothers friends and say hi to his brother after our talk and he didn't say 2 words the whole time we were there.

Does anyone else see an correleation between boys and dieting? I mean I'm just noticing that most of my motivation for starving was because I wanted to impress Andrew. Then as soon as I 'get him' I start to wander back to the path of 'healthiness'... What do you guys think? Do you notice certain behavoirs about yourself or your eating patterns that change based on your relationship status? For instance I've read a lot of blogs about girls with boyfriends who modify their diets so they have to eat in front of him, or ways to get around meals with the bf.

I'll leave everyone here with this chapter of my life for now. Right now I'm trying to organize myself, school, friends, life, love but I'll keep everyone updating on how everything is going, and how Ana falls into play. I've still been keeping it what would be considered 'low cal' for a healthy person. Always lower than 2000 cals, holy crap that number looks gigantic when you write it down....
I am reading all your blogs even if I'm not commenting. I'm getting myself caught up with all you lovelies!!

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

almostalmostalmost

I leave Rome in 2 days, Wednesday morning and I'm out of here. Holy shit. So much going on in my head right now. How beautiful I want to be when I see everyone, what the look on their faces will be, what I will be wearing, how I will feel, what they will feel. It's overwhelming.

I want to be angelic, a ghost of the person they know, a shell of a body ready to become anything I make it to be.

Talked to Andrew yesterday, he got into one of his depressing moods, which by default I dealt with by joking around and trying to put a smile on his face. Experience has taught me this usually works and if I take it too serious too fast he spooks. The guy is like a horse holy cow. (ironic moment: my dad was someone I always had to tiptoe around, and here I am 'inlove' with a boy that I have to be extremely cautious and careful around, obviously for different reasons but still) The joking didnt take to well, so I pepped talked him with self esteem boosters, explaining how amazing I thought he was. Then I made an epic mistake. I talked about what happened at Christmas when I went home.
Recap for the cheap seats: I came home from Italy and surprised him, instead of being greated warmly with a hug and a smile and excitement I got a 'what the fuck' and then turned right back into Call of Duty without missing a beat. Needless to say, I was crushed.
I told Andrew last night that the reason I was so upset (duh) when I had come home was because I was so excited to see HIM. Above everything else that was what I thought about most, what I was looking forward to ontop of everything. That is how highly I thought of him. I didnt get much of a response after that.. great. But atleast I put myself out there and it gives us a stepping stone of sorts..right?
This is so confusing, I want a summer to be carefree. Not give a shit about anything, relax out in the sun and have the most fun possible. But I also want to him.
I want him to look at me the way he did.
I want him to look into my eyes and see exactly who I am.
I want to fall asleep feeling the protectiveness of his arms.
I want to see his heart skip a beat when he sees me.
I want to be the reason for that goofy smile on his face.


Why do I insist on wanting it all, knowing full well that I will be disappointed one way or another.
The only stronger want I have is more of the Need to be thin. Because I truley believe that both are in direct relation. Once I am thin, I will have his heart. But I am impatient and greedy and determined to steal it while I am still fat.

Ana please help me. I'm too far gone for anyone. Too inlove with him for anyone else. Too determined to be sick to be saved.

What do you think are some of your limitations? 

Emotionally, physically, anything.

Ana pushes us to our limit,

 and breaks the line we reach when we think we can no longer go on.

How do you plan on pushing your limitations, when you reach them?

"I Don't care if it hurts; 

I want to have control.

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul"

-Radiohead

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Eyesore

Hey ladies, how is everybody doing today? I want to try and make this blog more engaging, get some more dialogue going on, and recently I've been struggling for motivation.. So I'm going to put out a themed question with each post; today's being 'When you are pre/mid/post-binge, how do you bring yourself back to Anareality? I try and look at thinspo and Ana songs but now I can eat through all of that and I worry I am 'desensitizing myself to it all and just being put into a foodcoma. Do you keep lists of your thinspiration reasons? Do you look at triggering pictures or memorbilia at all? How do you deal?"

Today I am faced with a dilemma. First let me explain my morning. Tried to liquid fast. Ate a yoghurt. Liquid fast was shot to hell. We have no food in the house and all I wanted were carbs and cheese so I ended up making atleast 5 servings of rice with tomato sauce and parmesean, or rice with peseto and this soft cheese thing. Purged most of it up. I've been purging atleast 3 times a day for the past 3 days. My eyes are bloodshot and puffy, my back is sore from heaving, and the irony is, as I have my fingers down my throat, my hand feels smaller in my mouth. From the weight loss. I love that feeling, I can see and feel that change in my body. Is that sick?

But everytime I flush away my failure I head straight back to the kitchen. "Just something to soothe my throat, something to replenish my stomach acid" Cue Binge X2. It's awful.

The last few hours I've been good, just plums and a peach, I'm trying to eat alot of plums because I have no laxies here and that's the closest thing I'll get. 

But today is my last Friday in Rome. Next Wednesday I head back home. Tomorrow is my going away party, but tonight one of my girlfriends wants to go out and I am teetering on a binge, I can feel it. I'm too fragile to drink*calories* and then stay strong to not binge once I'm intoxicated. But it's my last Friday here. I feel obligated.

I think I should sacrifice this night to Ana, and gain strength for tomorrow. What do you guys think?

I honestly can't believe my time here is up. I haven't been home in over 6 months. 6 whole months. I can't wait to see all my friends, just writing this makes me tear up.. how pathetic, I miss them that much.

Andrew and I are on sort of weird terms.

Before Greece = Cool

After Greece = Not Cool

Why?

WHOOO KNOWS!

I'm worried he found out about me moving away for school, or it could just be the fact that I'm coming home, and he realized that I am a real person who will be infront of him and that freaks him out. He tends to pull away (emotionally distancing himself) when something starts to become a reality. Everytime I leave him, he latches on. He makes me feel so wanted and needed and we get along great. Then when I start to come home he freaks out, realizes maybe he's said too much, put himself out there too much and becomes insecure, so he pulls back. This could be what he's doing now, it could be a combination of things, it could be nothing. I figure I play it cool and easy, calm the waters before I land home and take it from there. No pressure. 

I have a lot of emotions going on right now, so I'm going to apologize in advance if my posts are quite scatterbrained. The leaving Rome part & going Home is like a teeter-totter in my brain, sometimes one weighs more than the other and I keep switching back and forth about how I feel about it all. Sometimes I guess, you don't need to make a decision, just to feel. 

I'm ready to stop caring and be cared for. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to have an awesome summer being the new me. I can be whoever I want when I come home. Stay tuned for tomorrow's post with the newme checklist.

I'd also like to thank Camille, ElBar7a & Cinnamon Brown for the birthday wishes! It means a lot!! 

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Miss Me?

Whaddup Skinnhy Bitches? Ready to here all about how amazing Greece was?! It was fantabu-wonderlous. The water, the sky, the beaches, the BOYS.
Let's take this chronologically, shall we?

I landed in Athens at 9 30 am about waking up at a godawful hour of 3 30 am in Rome to catch this flight.. killmenow-butatleastitwasworthit! Checked into my hostel where cute receptionist/bartender/tourguide/sailor boy and I met and then I set out to sight see. I only had that afternoon in Athens and went out to check in on the ruins, make sure they're there and sturdy and what not. Yup all was good.
Found out that the day after, was a scheduled protest/riot due to the economic crisis in Europe. Greece apparently was hit superrrr hard and the Greeks were not so happy. Scheduled ferry to Santorini. Not gonna happen. Met a boy the next day who was going to do this hike up to the highest point in the city, the mount were St. John the Apostle gave his unknown sermon to the Gods. On our way down we got caught in the middle of the riot.
Trust me: Getting tear gassed (as cool as it might sound) fucking hurts like a bitch

(picture I took in the streets of Athens, to the left is the parliament building & the tomb of the unknown soldier)

Anyways, I ended up meeting a guy in my hostel who was backpacking around the world for 6 months and extended an invitation to me to join. I said yes, fully following a horror movie script. (don't worry girls, he was a good guy) We went to Napflio which is stunnnning, camped on a cliff right on the beach and had an ocean view every night before we went to sleep. Here's a pic: 

We did day trips to Epidavros and Mikenese, saw the ampitheatre where you can drop a peppble on the stage and hear is as if it was right next to you even in the last row. (I can verify this for fact because we tested it) It was sick. Plus we checked out the archeological site of King Agamemnom's kingdom (super crazy guy from the movie Troy? know who I'm talking about) which was rad cool as well.

(me infront of the entrace to the palace; rocking the turban)

I did really good with eating the whole trip, stuck to veggies and some fruit the whole time, and sweat hiked my ass all over the place, I was content with the way I looked but still not happy.

Then as soon as I got back to rome the Binge kicked in. For some reason when I Binge, I do it in days of 3. I can't stop it for 3 days. It's weird. 

Today is the 3rd day and tomorrow I'm ready to kick myself back in. I'm almost there, almost thin.

My last night in Athens I slept with a rediculously hot English boy from London and he started making comments on my body. How I was 'fit', and he noticed the hollows of my hip bones, how they jutted out and made an empty space between my skin and shorts. How small my wrists were. It felt fantastic. Like all of this starvation was justified. That's my new motiviation. 

That and the fact that I'm heading back home in 6 days.  That's it. God I cannot wait. I'm going to liquid fast until I am home. Nothing but vegie soups, water, tea, diet soda. I can do this. I'm almost there. 

"I won't taste anything until I taste what thin feels like"

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Birthday and Travelling

Hey everybody, this is just gonna be a short post. I have really not been doing well the last few days. I just can't seem to get control. I feel like time is racing by me and I can't quite grasp anything and the next thing I know I'm staring at a sink full of dirty dishes with a dirty mouth and sore throat with no recollection of how they got there.
Anyways, today is my birthday. (Thanks to Cinnamon Brown for the shoutout! Love you girl <3 ) Totally didn't feel like it since I'm in Italy and all my real best friends are back home. Me and my best girlfriend in Rome got into a fight. Basically I changed around my birthday plans for her twice and she was a huge bitch and didn't show up to celebrate with me on Saturday at all. But I did run into two of my friends from higshschool here randomly travelling through Europe who came out with us which was nice. It's really made me miss home even more, seeing all the facebook wall posts from people who care about me that maybe I've kinda forgotten about but who still remember me and had enough thought to say 'happy birthday' made me wish I was back there just that much more. Soon enough, I know.

Tomorrow I am heading to Greece! I'm really excited deep down, somewhere. Right now I just don't even want to move.
I'm tired of travelling and
airports
taxis
ferry docks
luggage
passports
and the likes.
But I've always wanted to see Greece and so it's good that I'm going. Plus I'm gonna be so broke that I wont be able to afford food! That's a plus right!

I'll try and post while I'm away but I'm not sure what my internet availability is! Love you all!!!

"Stiffen up that upper lip"

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

embarassment round 2

Why the FUCK can't I just stay away from food?? I started off today good, I ate some scrambled egg whites, then a peach.. then it's like my mind goes blank and I'm staring at these empty plates of pasta and cookies and milk and thinking to myself 'What the fuck have I done?'
I look in the mirror and I am absolutely disgusted with my bloated stomach. I purged until I saw carrots, which seemed safe and I remember eating them vaguely. I am so disappointed in myself and I fully believe that when I eat, bad things will happen to me. I just got onto good terms with Andrew and I'm terrified that my binging will send it all down hill sometimes. I'm trying to use this as motivation but the half of me that is dying to be normal seems to keep taking over. I dont want to be normal! I want to be thin, and fantastic and wonderful. I want to be waif like with long elegant limbs. I want it so bad. I look around me and watch all of these tv shows and movies of the thin girls getting everything they've wanted, everything they've dreamed of and I know that that could be me, if I could just keep my fucking greedy hands off of food! I don't NEED it!
Everytime I want to eat I'm going to stare at my stomach and ask myself 'If I eat this, will it make me fat?"
Everytime I decide that I am allowed to eat something I am going to have it sit infront of me for 10 minutes to prove that I am not binge eating, that I am able to resist but am making the decision to eat something.
I will religiously do situps in my bedroom every night before bed, which will help me sleep better.
I will drink atleast 2L of water a day.
I will not exceed 500 calories in a day. I will strive for 300.
I will plan every meal, calculate every calorie, no freebies, before consuming.
I wil not let myself get away with anything.
If I binge I will liquid fast for 2 days to teach myself a lesson.
I am tired of being fat. There is this whole other thin angel stuck inside me, drowning in the lard and fat that I keep pouring down my throat. I am killing her, who I am meant to be become. She is dying because I can't stop eating.

No more excuses. I'm starting a liquid fast as of right now.
Water, diet soda, tea, and broth.
Nothing else. It's my body and I'm taking control NOW.

"Riot & Diet"

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

embarassment

Hello ladies, I don't even feel qualified to write to you today. I binged out for 3 days in a row, I can't even handle the damage that is done. And I leave for Greece in 4 days.. I'm hoping to fast, but realistically I don't think that will happen. To go from eating obscene amounts of food to just water is not so practical.
I was literally eating when I wasn't hungry, forcing myself to eat out of self hatred. Purposely refusing to drink water so I couldn't purge. Because I deserve to be fat. I was making everything I had been craving, even when I did want it in that moment. Anything I could get my hands on. I was making excuses for why there wasn't any food left in the fridge. I have popped blood vessels behind my eyes for puking so much. I feel horrible about myself...

Today is a new day, I'm trying to forget about my failures and move past it. To know that my goals are still attainable. Nothing is stopping me from starting to starve again. And God how I am craving that control, how I am dying for my hunger fix. For me, feeling hungry is like a drug. I'm addicted to it. The light headedness, the dizzyness, the racing brain, floating in and out of situations; I love it. That's all I want right now.

Andrew and I have basically gone back to normal, almost. There are still certain topics we don't talk about, like what we've been doing for the last 6 months, because we aren't exactlty acknowledging the fact that there was something wrong at one point. He did ask me when I was coming home and I jokingly replied 'whenever you want!' and he had said 'oh so tomorrow then :D!' which made me feel as happy as a little highschooler with a quarterback crush. We skyped all last night and it was just so good to see his face. It put every other little problem to ease, it calmed ever nerve, every anxiety. I was so nervous about coming home and now I've just stopped caring. The people that don't want me there can suck my balls because I couldn't give less of a flying fuck right now. I know how many people I have in my life that love me, and are dying for me to come home and those are really the only people I have to spend time with. Anyone else is simply an option that I have the ability to say 'no' to; the same way I can say 'no' to food.

I'm gonna come home and wow them all. I don't even care about hiding how little I eat here. I'm not going to see any of these people again, and the family I live with does not give a crap. It's almost too easy. I'm not saying 'no' to anyone but myself anymore. There is no 'no thanks, I'm not hungry'. It's just not eating. Is it weird that this is somewhat disappointing?

I think I'm going to start ending each post with a quote; be it Ana inspiring or not it will be just a little personal touch.

"When you have so much to look forward to, it's easier not to look back"

Think Thin & Stay Skinny

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

updates

Why oh WHY does your timeofthemonth make you bloat up like a balloon? I swear its like someone hooked me up to a gas machine and just inflated every part of my body. Even my eyelids are swollen! (though maybe that is from purging last night.. most likely) I hate it. You would think that my being this upset about the way I look would further motivate me to NOT eat but surprisingly enough, it just makes me think 'might as well eat like a tub of a lard since you look like one, people will expect that' . I could go join the Zoo (which is right by my house) and charge people money to go check out 'The Amazing Inflated Women!" Then charge money and use it it to go get lipo...
End of Rant.

Yesterday I ate quite a bit considering I was planning eating next to nothing and going to bed early. I had quite the early flight from Spain and then lots of trekking around to get home but I stayed up until about 10pm and ate the following throughout the day:

• fruit salad (mostly watermelon with some pineapple)
• small salad topped with tuna 1 cherry tomato and 1 slice of red pepper
• 3 bowls of veggie soup (water broth, 2 onions, garlic, 2 zucchinis) *the culrprit of the bloat*
• like 6 peaches.. haha
• 2 cookies with blackberry jam (purged)
• fruit juicesmoothiethin = 110 cal

So far today I've had

• 1/2 a cantelope
• 1 coffee
• some esparagus (don't know the exact measurement)
• 1 cup of a fruit smoothie I made (2 kiwis, 4 peaches, 100ml of pear juce)

then I plan on having some scrambled egg whites for protein, and heating up some tomato sauce for a soup.

Also I've started talking "Alli" because back home I used to take hydroxycut and it helped a LOAD but they dont seem to have that here anywhere in Italy. I don't trust any of the random noname italian diet pills, Alli is the only American one. It's supposed to help in the breakdown of fats I think? Anyways I just feel better knowing that I'm taking something. I'll let you guys know how the weightloss is going now that I've incorperated this in.

Do you guys take a multivitamin at all? I do just because I've heard that if you starve yourself your body can start breaking down the muscles.. so I'm woried about that and having my body not break down my fat. It's just a random multivitamin. It seems to be more of the idea behind taking the pills than it's actual purpose. It gives me peace of mind. Does that happen to you guys?

I've really started to adapt to this lifestyle.. it's beginning to feel like I'm not really 'dieting' anymore. This is just what I'm used to. The foods I used to love, I can't imagine eating them. I can't imagine myself ordering a pizza and putting it in my mouth. I can't imagine getting pasta and eating it. I just picture the weight of that food added onto my body like a tumour. I imagine the texture resembling warm butter and having it be just pure fat. Lard, and nothing else. Instantly I'm turned off food. This is what I felt like last year, when I lost close to 40 pounds and I love it. I miss excercising the way I was back then. I worked at a restaurant and so for 8-9 hours 5-6 days a week I was doing cardio. I loved it.

I've started to visualize more memories too. I see the clothes that I've bought and imagine myself wearing them and how waif thin I look. How 'bendy' I am. As if my limbs are so long and elegant they can bend like a barbie doll. I want to feel as light as air, floating, just hovering above the ground as I move. Angelic.


Replies:


Cinnamon Brown: Definately will! Thanks for all your support. Spain was beautiful I would highly recommend going to anyone! Hopefully the drama will pass and all will be for the better :)
Think thin babe!! xo

Gianni:  Thanks for your support! Hopefully it will pay off as soon as mother nature fucks off ;) haha I'm sending you love right back atcha!! It's awesome when we can all support eachother and bring eachother up no matter how much we might tear ourselves down, it really means a lot! It was really hard to stay on track over there, and I did feel a bit guilty about bein in SPAIN and not trying any of the spanish food but hopefully it will all be worthwhile. "Nothing tastes as good as Thin feels..." right?
That's crazy about your trip to Germany! I can't believe you lost weight..while you were pregnant too! Was that because of all the walking? Tell me your secrets!!!
Stay Strong & Think Thin, nothing but you can stand in the way of your goals! I know you can get there babe!! xoxo

I'm dedicating thinspo today to Alexa Chung. She's got awesome style, a fucking fantastic body and embodies the personality and attitude I want to attain when I am skinny.

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Barcelona & Bikinis

Hola Amicas!! I'm baaaaack skinny bitches!! Spain was awesome!! 

I'd like to give a warm welcome to my new followers! Peace & Love is being sent your way through cyber space :)

I've got lots to tell and on my mind. So quick, take a bathroom break before we dive into anything. 

First of all, let me just say that this vacation was meant to be a lie-on-the-beach-and-do-fucking-NOTHING! type of vacation. First day I get there... its raining. Not like downpour or anything but enough to be a bit of a downer. Deffs not beachy. I ended up meeting 3 other guys who were staying in my hostel from Italy as well, Verona (city of Romeo and Juliet!) so I was able to continue practicing my italian, pluuuss one of them used to live in Barcelona and since yours truly knows ha-nothing about the culture our sights of the city, twas quite handy meeting some *yummy* italian *doctors* to show me around :) 

(picture I took of the streets in Barcelona)

I saw a lot of Gaudi archictecture which was spectacular! (see photos below!) I felt like I was at the bottom of the Ocean with the Little Mermaid looking at these underwater castles. We also did a ton of walking so I'm hoping that burned a lot of calories. Thursday I was really good, I only had coffee and tea until about 10 pm when after I had been with the boys all day long they started to get a little shifty and I picked at dinner. Luckily, the Spaniards are big on TAPAS - appetizers that you would order for the table and eat together. So I had a bit of salad with salmon and bread with tomatoes. I did try the Backalla though to feel cultured. Friday I stuck to mainly just fruits (even though apparently there was some big ecoli outbreak in London which spread to Spain? oops!) and then found a Subway ( I know ) and ate nothing else. Yesterday I broke down a bit. I felt really guilty for not trying any of the spanish food there. I got calamari and fries with eggs? weird. It was gross, frozen then deep fried shit, nothing fresh. Purged it up. 

Today so far I've had a fruit salad for breakfast (watermelon mostly, with some pineapple) and a small plain salad topped with tuna 1 cherry tomato and 1 slice of red pepper. Then I made my delicious soup and have been having that throughout the day now that I'm home. 

It feels weird saying that 'I'm coming Home' when I mean Rome. Technically it is my home. My second home? Current home? Residence? What's the proper term here... I'm not sure. But it's good to be back. Im sporting quite the tan with slight pinkness under my eyes. Even though yesterday was the only BEACH weather I still got a lot of colour. God bless my Italian skin (only damn good thing my father ever gave me) and it's ability to tan. 

Bikini-ness was hard. I'm starting to get the shape of body I want, but it's nowhere near thin. I can see my waist getting smaller but that just makes the curve of my hips look bigger. And I've always had problems with big hips. (think old italian women who are pear shaped.. I have nightmares of becoming that) So now I'm HARSH restricting until Greece next week. I'm a sucker for greek food and it's going to be hard to keep things in check. But I'm hoping the daily reminder of wearing a bikini will help me. I'm not worthy to eat these foods. 

On the homefront of dramaland, I reached out to Andrew. Here is/was my problem with this. Him and I know eachother INSIDE and OUT. I know exactly what to say and act to move past this, but I wasn't sure that this was the right way to go about it. Both him and I hate confrontation. I am a huge procrastinator and can ignore the shit out of a problem until someone throws it back in my face and makes me stare at it. We both know eachothers flaws and faults, mannerisms etc. I know that if I was to message him with some sappy letter about how I've missed him and written about him and cried over him, it would get me nowhere. (Why is it always that when you put your heart out on the line it always just bites you back in the ass before leaping down your throat?)

But if I was to message him with a lighthearted joke and pretend that nothing ever happened, just as if things were back to normal..well maybe he'd play along.

He did.

I can sense he's hesitant, he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. His walls are up-way up. And I haven't had the heart to tell him that I'm moving across the country in September yet. I'm going to feel like shit if he lets his walls come down and we get back to a good place, a place where we were and I announce my moving yet again and it tears open this new wound. But it's also very ostenatious of me to just drop a bomb like this after we JUST started talking again. It seems like I'm ending things before they are even starting. Further yet assuming that he still gives a flying fuck. (which I know he does but he would have no problem pretending not to to save face) 

We've only spoken breifly a few times. He knows I'm coming home, he doenst know the exact date. He rarely would ask questions back of me, inquiring as to how I am or what I've been doing. The time he does I get overjoyed. God damn how deep I am into this mess...

Weirdly enough! Andrew's very good friend Sophie had recently posted on his wall something or other about Barcelona. ( I know this through shamelessly creeping him since he just re-added me back as a friend on facebook ) However I was unable to message her do to her privacy settings so I kindly asked Andrew to to so for me. He did but it seemed unnecessary by that point because that night I randomly went to a small bar with some people from my hostel, and low and behold who was outside! Sophie! It was crazy because I've heard her name hundreds of times, we know all of the same people, have over 150 friends in common, been to the same parties, knew who eachother was, though never introduced. So for her to just be there made the world seem just that much smaller! 

We got along instantly, went skinny dipping in the Mediterranean Ocean at 6 am, danced in the streets of Barcelona in the rain. It was soo much fun. I felt like I'd known her for years, and it was awesome to have someone to talk to about back home when we are this far away from it. 

This encounter gave me something new to talk about with Andrew, and so now that the ball is really going to start rolling *fingers crossed* with us talking again, I need to make sure that I'm super thin for when I come back home.

It used to just be the possibility and randomness of running into him and being thin, now there's no way I wouldnt be seeing him and I have to step my game up. Greece will give me some good colour, and I plan on doing a lot of hiking and walking around as well. Plus swimming!! Just takes some dedication and I'm so close I can't loose it all now. I can't loose it all now.

Really hoping I've dipped into the low 130's possibly even high 120's by now... if I was 133 lbs last weekend that means I should be 130 lbs to be on target with my weightloss.

Replies:

Cinnamon Brown: Thanks for the sites!! I'm trying to check them out now as I write this but my internet is being quite unco-operative. Astronomy/ Magic has always been absolutely fascinating to me, for some reason I've never dipped into learning more about it, but now I definately want to! 

This new diet you're embarking on sounds promising! I know you can do it, you've got control now, you can make yourself into anything you want! Totally know what you mean about now putting on weight evenly, my hips or horrible. I hate them. I know most of it is me over reacting, but i feel like they are so overly porportionate for my body, my face has lost a lot of weight, same with arms/shoulders, plus a bit allover, but my hips still seem to jut out. I hate it.

Hahahaha! Love the foot stomping, I'm picturing the redhead character from "Wedding Crashers" holding her breathe and stomping her feet with her fingers in her ears when her dad won't let the 2 guys come to their cottage. hahahahaha

I would definately love to chat! Throw me your e-mail so we can get more dailogue/support going!!! :) Plus we're on the same time zone so this is awesome! haha

Think thin girl!!!! xoxo Thanks for listening

Thin or Not: I definately agree with you, visualizing is a great way to achieve your goals. It's funny because I've always heard that, and I've always had a vivid imagination but I've never literally been able to visualize them. What it would look like, what I would be doing, what it would feel like; until it came to loosing weight. What sort of things do you visualize for yourself? Sometimes I even draw photos of dresses I want and what I want my body to look like in them. haha.

Gianni: Thanks for signing in! I appreciate your support! It's always nice to get compliments on your blog :)  Definately understand what you are saying 100%! I feel like if the worst people can say about me is 'shes so skinny' or 'she's a skinny bitch' then it doesnt even matter what insult is even being tried to be directed at me. Skinny people get away with anything (though if/when I get there I plan on using my super powers for good, not evil :P ) and people are always envious. It's the world we live in and I feel like even if isnt fair or right we have to play and learn the rules.

Stay strong and think thin girl!! I just checked out your blog.. jealous of your boobs!! Mine have started shrinking and I'm barely filling out a B cup, though I would imagine that maybe you'd like yours to shrink a bit if they are giving you back problems.. plus running around after 2 kids all days with a bad back is definately not so good. Take care of yourself! *massageeee* 

Love.Love.Love

Love, Always

Ana's Angel

xo

Hopefully Future Memories

So I've just spent the afternoon binging and purging 4-5 times.. it's been disgusting so I'm writing all of the scenarios I have in my head of what will happen and what I will be doin once I'm back home and thin.

I'm at Cath's pool, running around the deck in a bikini looking shockingly thin. We're drunk and laughing and everyone is the happiest they have ever been. All my girlfriends are there. There are trays of fruit and food on the patio table. I pick only at the celery and carrots. Someone says that I "would be the only girl to go to ITALY and come back thinner than when she left, how is that possible?" and I will smile and know that all of this was worth it.

I'm walking down Marine drive, past my old restaurant, in Andrew and I's old neighbourhood. I'm with Chloe, and we're screaming and giggling and falling over eachother. Neither of us gives a flying shit whose watching or annoyed, we're just like this when we're together. Across the street I see Andrew. He's standing still staring. The look of resentment, shock, worry, and nostalgia on his face. We make eye contact, and I'm smiling. I walk away before anything else can happen.

I'm walking to the field at the beach where me and my friends always spend our summer days. I've packed diet coke and cigarettes in my bag. I look stunning in my European attire, everyone else looking stupidly 'american' in simple shorts and cheap beaters. I strip my shirt off and quickly realise I'm the skinniest in the group. I smile. I lay out my towel, making a bit of a show of elongating my body for anyone who is watching. I lie on my stomach and watch the way I settle into myself, creating a hollow circle inbetween my hip bones. I'm smiling and laughing and goofing off. Not having a care in the world.

I'm in our usual Sunday club, everyone who's anyone is there. I'm wearing a tight tiny tank top that shows my stomach just in the slightest. I see my old coworkers, who are my old friends. They are surprised to see me. I can't tell if it's fake or real but I know that I look stick thin and if that will be the only thin they will be able to say about me behind my back. I love this. They come towards me with open arms and when we hug they tell me how they can feel all the bones in my back. I laugh it off and tell them that it's all the pasta and pizza. They give me a small look of concern but lust over takes the mens eyes instead.

failure.

Well yesterday was supposed to be my 650 cal day according to SGD, and I binged... like the fat pig that I am. I think I'm going to go back to my old ways... and let myself eat a bit more but only of my safe foods on certain days.
Last night was weird, I purged almost all of it up except for some chocolate and a bit of rice and cheese. I binged on the weirdest stuff. Like I made the tomato soup I eat all the time but put a TON of parmesean cheese in it.. I had some white chocolate (ugh) and cheese. There wasn't anything else in the house to binge on anyways but still I didn't go straight for all the carbs I just wanted protein and sugar. Yea, I ate brown sugar by the SPOONFUL. The things we do...

Well now I am freaking out because tomorrow night I am flying to Barcelona, which means bikini time.
I.
Am.
Freaking.
Out.
But not enough to stop me from wanting to binge today... I've really tried hard to resist.
So far I've had half a cantelope: 80 cals
a banana: 140 cals?
homemade soup: 200 cals

I've found another recipe that I sort of invented.. I just boiled onions in a small amount of water with slices of garlic, salt, red pepper flakes, and oregano for about 20 minutes, boiled first then simmered covered and then I add noodles or rice or somethin and let it cook in the water for about half the time it tells me to. voila! soup. If I had some peppers or zucchini or other veggies I'd add them in there for sure but right now there is NOTHING in the fridge.

So today I will leave you all with a bunch of thinspo dedicated to a beautiful young girl by the name of Kelsey Van Mook, a friend of mine who is a model in NYC. She literally eats whatever she wants and gets turned down from Fashion Week in Paris for being "too skinny'. Not fair.

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Fashion Paradise

Hello everybody! Sorry I haven't posted in a few days (irregular of my nearly every-day-post-regimen.. man I need more of a life) but I have just gotten back from Milan!
It was beautiful there! I only went for 2 days (days off from work) but I got to see a lot! I stayed with my cousins who visited me back home many years ago so it was great to see all of them..but let's get real, I was really there for the shopping :) I was pleased to fit into a small pair of pants at Zara, and even the size small dresses there wer big on me, though it could just be weird european sizes?
I got this beautiful pair of pants which I have been looking for for weeks now! Still have to loose some weight to look just the way I want to in it, but that will come! 2 dresses, 2 shirts and a new black bikini.

We did some sight seeing in the city, I saw "La Scala" the most famous dance theatre in the world, which meant a lot to me as I am a dancer. I also saw the "Duomo", here's a picture of me infront of it, it's so big we couldn't get the whole thing in the frame.

I used my 'elemination diet' excuse again to get out of eating, so I only had to eat fruit and vegetables with them so everything worked out perfect. Yesterday was my first 650 calorie day which was hard to make. I had lots of coffee, a portion of boiled spinach and boiled cucumber (weird italians..) for lunch with 1/4 of a pineapple for dessert. (skipped the 800+ calorie tiramisu thank you very much!) then I had 4 peaches and an orange on the train, plus a 114kcal peach juice and a salad that I bought which had a small portion of some type of cheese, corn and mixed lettuce. I skipped the oil (liquid lard as I call it) dressing, and had half a portion of fish when I came home that Elisa had made for dinner. I don't quite know what the calorie intake was of the cheese but not including fruits or veggies (which technically you are not supposed to count though I always try to) I only really ate the fish and cheese so I guess it's okay. 

Today is my second 650 caloroie day and I can tell my metobolism is up because my body just keeps telling me it wants food. This probably has something to do with my lack of protein intake which I really am trying to change but when your only stable option is high fat cheese it's daunting.

So far I've had

• 1/4 cantelope = 40 cal
• 1 yoghurt =114 cal
• 2.5 (?) inches of a baguette with ricotta cheese: 200 cals?
• 150g of fish = 114 cal

Total: 468

ugh.. that's so much, and it's only 1:30 pm here... I'm going to snack on vegies (aka tomatoes and onions) for the rest of the afternoon, then maybe have another yoghurt (protein!) before bed. 

It makes me really nervous to be eating this much when I'm going to be in a bikini in just a few days. I got a beautiful black strapless bikini in milano, just simple with a circle in the middle of the top and 2 small circles on the sides of the bottom, but I think with my new black hair it will look really sharp. Plus black will help me tan better right???

ALSO GREAT NEWS!!! My cousins have a scale!!! THANK LORD JESUS! I weighed in at night at 60.7kg which is 133 pounds. I'm getting there guys!!! After I had ballooned with all this italian crap I had much bigger numbers swimming around in my head so it's finally nice to know for truth that that's my weight. I have 30 days on the dot until I head back home. If I can loose 3 pounds a week that's a total of 12 pounds, making me 121 which is a pound below my LW from before I left for Italy!! Talk about motivation. Do you think this 3lb/w is realistic? Should I continue to try the SGD or go back to just the fruits and veggies and keepiing my cal intake super super low (200-300) as before? I feel like if my old habits got me to this weight I should continue with them, plus eating 650/700 cals seems like so much to me. Tell me what you guys think!

Still no word from Francesco... meh. Andrew still has not replied... great. I am sooo ready for new boys. Come to meeee Spaniards!!!

(this is where I will be in 3 days!)

Don't know how much I will be able to post while I'm in Barcelona, but know that my thoughts are with you all and I will continue to follow everyone's blogs so keep thinking thin!!

Random Thought: I have this idea, I was inspired by the red bracelet plan. It's another way for Ana's to network, but still mantain anyonomity. The idea of somehow creating a list of codewords for area's you live in, for texting buddies or even to meet. It would obviously be nothing speficic (this is the internet afterall) but a way for us to connect geographically. The idea is still in the works, but I know atleast for me, moving across the world, it would be really great to have someone here who could help support me and to have someone to talk to about Ana. We would have one list of different area's, limit it first to continents, or states/ countries and post the 'code word' on our blogs. That way we will obviously know they are pro-ana/ana/ednos etc and the general place they come from. Only the Ana community would know what the words mean. Let me know what you guys think!

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo