Sept. 11

Last few days have been okay. Nothing great but all around 800-900. That's easy enough for me to maintain and not feel hungry. Work isn't getting any slower, so I've been having lunch around 2:30 everyday. Things are piling up and I still feel like I haven't caught my breath. Like running 10 miles and then finding out you have a 20 mile bike ride and 25 mile swim in front of you. I don't know how triathlon athletes do it.

Breakfast
3/4C Fat Free Greek Yogurt 100
1/2C Blueberries 40
1 Tbl Chia Seeds 70

210 Cal
5g Fat
20g Protein

2.4K Walk
-100

Snack
Nectarine
50

Lunch
2C Spinach 0
1 Tomato 20
1/10 Red Onion 0
1/4C Feta 70
1/4 Cucumber 0
1 Tbl EVOO 60
1 Tbl Vinegar 5

155 Cal
12g Fat
10g Protein

Snack
Banana
100

Dinner
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4 Floret Broccoli 10
1 Tbl EVOO 60
3 Mushrooms 15
2 Tbl Light Parmesan 45

220 Cal
8g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
1C Melon
100

Total
835 Cal
25g Fat
55g Protein

Net
700

I'm never sure how many calories exactly I burn in a day. I'm quite active in the office running around so I'll usually round down to the nearest hundred. I got called 'skinny' today, almost as an insult by my nonno's psycho business partner. Friday we had a good family friend come in who said I was nothing but skin and bones. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Good, but I kinda feel like they are making fun of me in a way. Is that weird? I feel like they're lying.

Getting Worse

So, saturday was such a fucking flop. After breakfast J and I ended up having a heated discussion about how he handles stress and takes it out on me. He spent a long while working on his car and couldn't get it all fixed and it really bothered him. Afterwards I asked for coffee and something to eat before we go out and he got all frustrated because I'm so hard to feed. I ended up having to give in and eat a lentil burger at this burger shack we've tried a few times. Normally I just get a greek salad and dab most of the oil off of it but J wasn't having any of it. He's really started to keep track of my intake, he even asked me ' Do you think I'm stupid or something? I used to body build, I generally know the nutritional info of everything. ' (yeah, me too sweetheart) Anyways, so there was that, which was on a plain toasted WHITE bun (FUCKFUCKFUCK) a huge lentil patty (made in house, organic - no idea how many cals) with salsa, cucumber, bean sprouts, lettuce, tomato, pickle, and banana peppers. THEN we went out for cocktails and drinks and I ordered the marinated tofu skewers and it came out DEEP FRIED.

So yesterday I felt like shit. J and I went to the gym for 2 hours which made me feel better. I burned 400 cals on the elliptical, and then J put me through some weight training routine. He saw how much I burned on the machine and how hard I was going and said, "You haven't even eaten that much today." Now I am so fucking sore. So normally I'd be optimistic about losing some after going to the gym for that long, but in reality with all the food and booze I had over the weekend I'm probably just maintaining at 112. I had probably 1/2 of this gross recovery shake J MADE me drink, and breakfast was 1/2 orange, 1/4C walnuts and a banana. Then we went to my house for dinner with my mom and her boyfriend and I had 1/2C Brown Rice, 1/2 Tofu, sauteed veggies and soy sauce.

So whatever, it is what it is. Todays a new day. Not knowing my numbers is just anxiety-central.

Breakfast
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1 Light Mozzarella Stick 60
1/2C Spinach Basil 0

150 Cal
5g Fat
25g Protein

2.4K Walk
-100

Snack
Apple 50

Lunch
1/2C Brown Rice 150
1/2 Tofu 60
1/2 Floret Broccoli 20
4 Sauteed Mushrooms + Veggies 80
1 Stalk Celery 0
4 Tbl Soy Sauce 40

350 Cal
10g Fat
20g Protein

Dinner
1 Banana 100
2 Scoop Protein 110
3/4C Almond Milk 30
1C Frozen Berries 70

310 Cal
2g Fat
28g Protein

Total
860 Cal
17g Fat
70g Protein

Hopefully this is enough of a 'recovery' day. So I can stretch it all out on the matt tomorrow with fresh muscles and a clear mind. I've got another serving of carbs, high protein and lots of veggies and fruit + fibre. I barely slept last night either, so now I feel even more like shit. Here's hoping I can make it through the day with the evil-bat.

At J's

I woke up this morning after a bottle if wine to my face to face the scale. 112 pounds. Another new low. So close to 110, but I start to feel like I'm 'deserving' of a binge. As if its some treat I've earned, ugh how gross is that?

Breakfast was
2 egg whites
1 whole egg
1 tsp EVOO
1/8 Onion
1/4C Spinach
3 Tbl Salsa

About 175 Cal

I'm still hungry but there's no food at J's because he's a guy. I really just need some coffee to solve this problem. Luckily I don't feel hungover I drank over the course of 6 hours, starting with a tasting at work.

I'm so so close. This means I've lost 15 lbs in 2.5 months. Just 2 more pounds to go until I've hit my UGW. Anything under 110 is sublime. Id live to see 101 on the scale. Who knows though. Just gotta take things one day at a time.

Love always,
Xoxo

Sept 5

Breakfast

1/4C Egg Beaters 30
1/2C Egg Beaters (cheese & chive) 70
1/2 WW English Muffin 60
2 Light Laughing Cow Cheese 50

210 Cal
6g Fat
22g Protein

2.4K Walk
-100

1 Light Gatorade
45 Cal

Lunch
2C Spinach 0
1/2 Avocado 100
1/4C Chickpeas 55
1/2 Pepper 5
1/5 Cucumber 0
1/12 Red Onion 0
2 Tbl Light Hummus 40
2 Tbl Vinegar 10

210 Cal
8g Fat
12g Protein

Snack
1/2C Strawberries
50

Dinner
2C Romaine Lettuce 0
1/12 Red Onion 0
.75 Tbl EVOO 60
1/2 Pepper 5
1/4 Black Beans 55
2/3 Fake Ground Veggie Meat 160
1/6 Cucumber 0
1/2C Cherry Tomatoes 30
Cilantro & Green Onion 0
1/4C Corn 35

345 Cal
10g Fat
30g Protein

Total
860 Cal
24g Fat
64g Protein

Net Intake
760 Cal

I woke up this morning with such a nice flat stomach because I was up last night b/ping chocolate and carbs and managed to get rid of my dinner as well. Which was really just tofu and a portobello mushroom but whatever. Back on track today and feeling pretty good. I'm going to make it to 110 soon. I'm going to yoga tomorrow after work which I'm really looking forward to. Plus then I feel better about going to J's and getting naked if I've just worked out and not been a lazy slob.

So much has been going on at work. It's insane. I'm exhausted by the time I come home, but the good thing is that means I'm burning calories right? :) Running around all day, hopped up and moving cases of wine to and from the cantina with my Nonno is definitely excercise.

Sept 3

Today I totalled 660 Cals. I walked to work (2.4k) and am pretty active all day at the office running around, squatting to get files, drinking an espresso or two to keep my energy levels up and my metabolism going. I'm too lazy to type out my daily break down. But my net intake is probably around 500.

I just finished planning tomorrows meals, but today I didn't bother pre-planning. I just mentally tallied up each meal before I made it and kept track as the day went along. Spinach omelette, 2 plums, 1 can of light vegetable minestrone, 1 peach, and veggie stir-fry with brown rice.

Work is getting more and more stressful. I don't want to get too into it but there's pretty much a target on my back because I'm a threat. I'm smart, and I'm in a strong position and I am good at what I do and know how to work in this business. Some shady stuff has been going on, and hopefully I'm dead wrong but that still wouldn't change the circumstances very much. 

I feel like I'm on the edge of so many things. Yes things are crazy, and stressful and at times I feel like I can't catch my breath. But I'm excited, and I know big things are coming down the pipeline. All this talk about moving, and where I see myself going career wise, relationship wise, weight wise, all excites me. I'm imagining what my life could be like and it is so vivid. It's giving me direction. But like the typical Doubting Debby that I am, I worry that it will fall apart, or that I'm just getting my hopes up. I'm trying to stay grounded, and maybe this is just my way of coping; by going off into dream land when life gets too tough. But I hope everything comes together just the way I envision it.

I got a blood test on Thursday and it actually looks like I'm pretty good! I showed my mom my results online, after prescreening them of course, so she could help me translate as she used to be a RN, and my thyroid hormones are in the normal range, almost low but still good. All my blood levels are where they should be. The only thing the test flagged was my Iron count, which was no surprise being a vegetarian. So I'll stop by the health foods store this week for some Ferrin, and more of my multi-B vitamins. My mom said this is the healthiest she's ever seen me. I'd like to believe that. But only you guys know the truth.

110....110....110....110 I'll weight myself at J's house on Saturday morning.

Long-Weekend Recap

Well I thought I would do okay this weekend, and for the most part I did. I stayed within my safe foods and tried to eat balanced, though I know I haven't gotten enough protein yet. Mornings I was having a Tim Hortons Breakfast sandwich on multigrain bagel and egg white patty with no meat or cheese, just tomato and lettuce. Lunch was a veggie salad with a few olives from Subway. Dinners were a bit harder... The first night we went out for dinner with J's buddy from University and I got the Organic In-House Made veggie burger and salad. The healthiest thing I could get without meat. Turns out the bun wasn't whole grain (freak out) and after I had a few bites, I checked out the bun and forgot to say dry... the whole thing was drenched in mayo. So I discreetly tried to scrape it off and then move the bun out of the way as I took each bite, so I was only getting the patty. Eventually the thing fell apart and I used a knife and fork to eat the patty, but in total probably ate about 1/4 of the bun and maybe 1Tbl of Mayo.

There was also a lot of drinking involved... And I thought I'd be okay because although alcohol stops your body from processing anything (especially fat) and stores it, my diet hadn't had much fat in it. But I ended up getting pretty drunk the first night and payed for it the next day. In the morning, the hosts girlfriend made raspberry blueberry waffles.... FUCK ME. I had one small one, a little banana and berries on top with no sauce or whip cream which was available... Then J pushed a yogurt to my plate and I knew I needed the protein and it was fat free so I added more banana and had that. We went out on the boat that day and I managed to get away from food saying I was too hungover, and being a vegetarian because all the sandwiches they brought had meat in them. So I basically ate a whole veggie platter, without the dip, to my face. Except for the raw broccoli because that's nasty, so celery and baby carrots. Dinner was going to be steaks... So J and I went to the grocery store to get food for everybody and I got 2 portobello mushrooms which I marinated, an edamame salad and green salad. Then two Jack & Gingers (my weakness) and bed.

This morning I had another Tim Hortons Breakfast Sandwich on whole grain with egg white and no cheese or meat. I was tallying them up at around 350 cal but I couldn't check anywhere because my phone battery was dead so I was mildly freaking out. I just got home now and checked it out online, and the info is limited but the freaking whole grain bagel is 330 cal ALONE! So the whole thing was probably around 375 cal, but still... Lunch I had another salad from subway exactly the same, two orange light gatorades (44 cal each) probaby 1 cup of cashews, and dinner was greek salad from this pub bar we stopped at. Really not sure where I stand right now but I definitely feel like I've gained some. I did love that I was the skinniest girl out of the group, and the girls there were in pretty good shape, not model thin or anything but you know. J kept staring at my ribs and monitoring my food some, encouraging me to eat some, which worries me but he can't force me to do anything.

Tomorrows going to have be a recovery day. I'm dead dog tired after a 24 hours of driving in 3 days and I have to be up for work in 7 hours. Realistically I won't have it in me to go to yoga tomorrow because I already know I'm about to get in shit at work because I lost my brains and forgot to send in this form. It got sent in by someone else, but my Nonno's business partner is PISSED and using every opportunity she gets to make me look stupid. My short term memory has just been fucked lately. I've got way too much on my mind, and doing way too much at once... Things haven't slowed down and while J and I both needed to get out of the city, this trip was just exhausting. Wednesday I'll go to hot core yoga again.

J and I also had a bit of a conversation about moving to this place we went and visited. He can make a lot more money there and the housing costs are insanely cheap, whereas where we live currently they are just astronomical. Absolute dumps for millions of bucks, it's ridiculous. It's giving me a bit of anxiety, just because I don't know exactly how that would all work, with the company I work for, and timing etc. And J and I haven't had any conversations about some 5 year plan or anything, or what our lives together would look like and how we'd make it work. We'll see what happens and I'll have to do some research but it wouldn't be for a few years anyways.

110....110...110... I'm going to get there, just a few more pounds.

Chanel your Zen

Just got back from  yoga and feeling pretty good. I needed to force myself on the mat to forget about all of the mistakes I've made over the past two days, eating wise. Provided, most ( I fucking hate that word..) was purged up, but nonetheless my strength was conquered and I need to build myself up again. I drank 3 cups of detox tea last night, and 3 cups this morning to help mooove things along, I think I'll finish off my dinner here with some more, just for safe measures.

Here's today:

Breakfast
Detox Tea

Veggie Frittata
1C Egg Beaters 120
1/4C Part Skim Mozza 70
1/4C Zucchini 5
1/2 Floret Broccoli 20
1/12 Red Onion 0
1/2 Portabello 10

215 Cal
7g Fat
30g Protein

Apple 50

Kale-Berry Detox Smoothie
1C Kale 0
3/4C Frozen Berries 70
3/4C Vanilla Almond Milk 30
1 Frozen Banana 100

200 Cal
3g Fat
4g Protein

Lunch
1 Tomato 25
1/2C Cucumber 0
1/2 Avocado 100
1/2 Pepper 5
1/4C Light Feta 70
1/12 Red Onion 0
Basil & Lemon Juice 0

200 Cal
12g Fat
14g Protein

Walk to & From Yoga Studio
-300 Cal (HUGE hill)

1.5 Hours Hot Core Yoga
-550 Cal

Dinner
1/4C WW Rice 75
1 large Carrot 20
1/8C Zucchini 5
1/12 Red Onion 0
1/2 Pepper 5
5 Stalks Asparagus 20
1/2C Green Beans 35
1/2 Tbs EVOO 40
Grated Ginger 0
2 Tbl Low-Sod Soya 20
Cayenne 0

220 Cal
6g Fat
10g Protein

Total
885 Cal
28g Fat
58g Protein

Burn
-850 Cal

Net Intake
-35 Cal

J called me and said no more trip this weekend. At least not to this particular city with his best friend. We'll see if we go somewhere else, I'm kinda bummed I was really looking forward to getting out of here for a while. If it's anywhere I'm in a bikini I need to have more days like today. For whatever reason I've had my period for 10 days now. According to clinic doc it's from my BC which I think is bullshit so I'm going for a blood test tomorow.

Hope all you lovelies are doing well and staying on track! I'm always here for a lovely chat :)

love always,

115 Purge-Over

I did it, I finally made it to my goal weight guys. 115 lbs. I weighed myself at J's house, after we had a big breakfast and before a BM and I was 115 on the nose. I was happy, and proud, and joyful.... but the moment is fleeting. Because I know in my heart that it's still not enough. Anything under 115 is an underweight BMI for me. That's where I want to be. 110 is where I want to be now, 110 it's an obsession. One's and Zero's how beautiful. Nothing but number one. Maybe once I reach that goal I'll want to be 101 lbs. Could I even get there?

I look at myself now, and I can see myself as smaller, as a whole with my clothes on. When I take them off and isolate my body parts they morph into pure fat. My thighs, my ass, my saddlebags, my under arms, all of it. Yesterday J told me he could tell that I've lost weight. I didn't tell him how much. But the last time I properly weighed myself on that same scale was 6 weeks ago and I was 125. I lost 10lbs in a month and a half. It seems like a long ass time, doesn't it?

So what did I do to celebrate? Oh, I made a cheese pizza of course! Hand made crust, with 4 different cheese spread to crust. Purged it back up as soon as I was done. I also spent all day today binging and purging on all sorts of things. It's left me with A purge-over. The feeling of a purging hangover lol.

I need to put an end to this now, and get myself back on track. Being at this 115 mark makes me feel like I'm at a cross roads. The tipping scale between underweight and average. Do I maintain or keep diving under? I want to go lower. 110 is where I want to be next.

Next weekend is a long weekend here, so J and I are going on a 14 hour road trip to another city, to stay with his best friend/cousin who lives on a lake. I need to keep my numbers down so I can look decent in a bikini, and atone for any sort of gain that might occur over that time period.

Skipping Yoga

I hate myself when I skip yoga, but lately I just don't have the energy. Like today for example. I have all this pent up energy and aggression but my body is so exhausted. It's all in my mind, I have to make myself do it. I never know what's safe when I skip a work out either. My calculations are all off and I feel... off balance.

Breakfast
1/2C Egg Beaters 60
1/2 Whole Grain Weight Watchers English Muffin 60
2 slices light laughing cow cheese 50
1C Spinach 0

170 Cal
4g Fat
15g Protein

2.4K walk to work
-100 Cal

Lunch
1/C Cherry Tomatoes 25
1 Red Pepper 10
1/4 Cucumber 0
1/2 small Avocado 100
1/4C Light Feta 70
1 Tbl Vinegar 5

210 Cal
11g Fat
10g Protein

Snack
1/2C Blueberries

40 Cal
0g Fat
0g Protein

Dinner
1/2C Chickpeas 105
1C Green beans 50
1/4C Peas 40
1C Tomatoes 50
1/2 Tbl EVOO 40
1 Stalk Celery 0
1/8 Red Onion 0
Sambal 0
Cilantro 0
Garlic 0

285 Cal
9g Fat
15g Protein

Total
705 Cal
25g Fat
42g Protein

Net Intake
605 Cal

Harder, Better, Smaller, Faster

Today is a better day. I've been skipping dinners and meals because I've been so stressed. It's been working in my favour. I can clearly see all of my ribs when I stand without stretching. My thighs don't touch at all. And Honour Regzig if you are still around - I haven't lost my tits!

J and I worked things out. It's still pretty rocky and scary but we're committed to making it work and I really needed to hear that. I went over to drop off gluten-free banana bread that I made for his mom and things were really really weird but after talking late at night on the phone I feel so much better. I promised myself that if he wasn't through with me right there in that moment that I would give up gangja. The way I see it - it would have eventually caught up with me. If I kept smoking he would have found out theres no doubting that, if we move in together I would have to quit anyway, and realistically I don't see myself smoking for my whole life so it's really inevitable.

Tonight I'm going to to Andrews house and I have my black bikini ready. Well almost, I still have to find my bottoms around here somewhere. I'm not even an ounce nervous to see him. I just want to hit that reset button, thats how I feel when I'm with Andrew. This week has been so stressful I know I need some down time with someone I can do ANYTHING in front of, you know? Just not have to worry.

Anyway, right now I'm eating my breakfast omlette: 3/4C Egg beaters, 1/4C Part-skim Mozza, Spinach and sauteed onions Total: 225 Calorie 12g Fat 25g Protein. Don't really have much in the house for lunch so I'm hoping I can get away with snacking on fruit strategically timed throughout the day. Lately my Nonno (who I work with) has been wanting to have big sit down lunches in the meeting room and preparing things for everyone. I usually cop out and just have my pre-made salad but I'll eat with them. If I have nothing they will make me eat something. I'll have to pull some tricks out of my sleeve. But I know I won't eat. Not with being in a bikini later tonight. I'd rather die. Then probably a smoothie for dinner since it'll be a bit later and I'm lazy and it's quick. I'll post pics tomorrow if I feel brave. That will hopefully be enough to keep the binge away tonight after a sudden release of stress.

Barely

Currently eating anywhere between 600-1300 calories and burning a minimum of 200ish every day by walking to/from work. (2.4k each way) plus atleast one yoga class. I weighed myself at J's house and he has one of those analog scales with the pointer thingy and I'm not quite convinced it works but he swears if you set it to zero then it's correct. Anyways, it said somewhere like 117/118. Kinda in between the 115 half mark and 120. I'm almost 5ft6. The lowest I've ever seen it. So far. Once I hit under 115 I'm officially considered "underweight." J and I are doing pretty well. Or atleast we have been... Seeing his hometown and meeting his family went well and our vacation was beautiful. We've been talking ("down the road") about moving in together, and he's currently trying to find a place to buy. My thought is that once that purchase goes through he'll soon after ask me to move in. Right now his parents are in town and it's giving both of us a ton of stress. Last weekend he found more pot in my room and even though I thought that he knew I was still doing that to help balance my adrenal gland disorder (basically adrenaline/norepinephrine coursing through you all day) he apparently didn't. So it kinda blew his mind and he had a serious crisis of faith and I swear we nearly broke up. That was on Saturday night. We're still reeling and I can barely even get him to speak to me on the phone. He told me he loved me once today. But when I called him his voice was so full of spite and callouss I apologized for being a bother and that I'd let him go. He softened up some but I'm sick with worry about this. My nonno and his business partner got back from a 1 month trip to Italy yesterday and today was their first day back. Fuck me I had forgotten how much I hated going into that office with her. Oh, and by the way... I made plans with Andrew this week after he initiated communication. There may or may not have been mention of a hot tub session on his deck. I would never do anything to cheat on J, but is it totally wrong I want to get into a bikini and make my ex fucking drool? Isn't that everyones dream?

Small.

I'm here. I'm the smallest I've ever been. I'm here...

May 1st, 2013

We're getting ready to fly to Punta Cana a week from today and I have so much preparing to do. I have to go get my passport on Monday and hopefully there are no problems there otherwise I won't be able to go... I'm getting the works done at all my favourite parts and now I need to plan my wardrobe. I bought so many cute outfits online but I don't think that they will be here in time. So I went shopping this afternoon, and bought a few new dresses that are family-friendly and adorable for when I have dinner with J's parents, and his entire family back in his home town.

Here's one of the dresses I bought, both in size 2.

I had the day off from work yesterday, and I was sent home at about 11:00 today because they knew I was still sick. So today I went and ran all my little errands that I've been meaning to do and it feels good to get all that shit done. While I was getting my bc scrip refilled I went to check my bp on one of those machines and now those things can calculate your weight, your bmi, fat %, bp, heart rate, etc! I wanted to actually weigh myself, since my scales been all sorts of weird lately. I am officially 128 lbs. Which is weirdly high for how thin I am. I have been lower than 128 before and I look thinner than 128. The only explanation is that my fat % has lowered, and therefore my muscle is toning up and muscle weighs more than fat. I still wish that number was 10 lbs lighter. I'll keep working towards that. I haven't been able to go to yoga at all yet because of this damn flu. It set on so quick and luckily my mom gave me some of this awesome multi-vit drops for tea and they are a miracle, and all natural. It's called Airborne, and I highly recommend it!

On the left is a picture of me on my university student card, January 2012. On the right is a picture of me I took on the weekend at a hotel while I was on a business trip.

It's been hard to eat and keep a solid routine the last few days because of this flu, but so far today has been:

1/2 a berry, banana & almond milk smoothie 200 cals - 100 cals

2 C Spinach 0
2 Stalks Celery 0
1/2 Green & Yellow Pepper 20
1/2C Chickpeas 105
1/2 Avocado 100
20 Almonds 150
1/4C Light Feta 70
3 Tbl Vinegar 15

460 Cal

1 Mango 100 Cals

love always,
loveylou

April 23rd

I'm still here! Don't you worry I'm not going anywhere... except for Punta Cana in 2 weeks!! J and I went bathing suit shopping on the weekend and I managed to get through it without crying, and pleased with the results I saw but obviously praying that certain parts will vanish by the time they're in the Dominican Republic Sun. I came home tonight and my mom bought pistaccios and they are my absolute favourite, so I immediately grabbed the bag and put them in the garbage. Opened them, poured dish soap all over it, tied up the bag and put it in the trash. It makes me a bit sad thinking about it now because I so wish I could have some, but I'm also proud of myself for making that decision. Weird?

I've gotten to the part now where I know the general nutritional break down of everything I consume, and all of my usual meals. I still mentally tally up calories for each meal and rough estimate my days but I'm not so focused on it any more. I don't have the mental capacity for it. Work is eating me up alive. I love it, and I'm getting better and faster at it. I keep all my meals around 200ish cals, and let one meal be the biggest of the day, so up to 400ish. In which case I'll have a detox smoothie (kale, apple, lemon juice, coconut water, celery) because it's so low cal and flushes everything out of you to make up for the extra calories. I'm going to yoga regularly now, I absolutely love it. I make sure I go twice a week, but I always aim for 3. It hasn't happened yet, things keep getting in the way. I went today, and walked home afterwards burning an extra 150 calories. (I google mapped my root and then calculated cals burns)

This weekend I'm going with my Nonno to a Wine Festival out of town for a night. I'm so excited to go, its a black tie event with a very detailed whisky scotch tasting. But obviously the disordered in me is only thinking about food options. Would it be too weird if I brought all my own food? Will I be for SURE forced to eat a dinner out with my Nonno and possibly even some of his business acquaintances? Probably. I'll bring up all my own food, we're going in the morning so I can bring my own breakfast for the ferry ride, and lunch for the way there. But he might want to stop to get lunch as well... I can always get a subway salad, even though those are just filled with nitrates but hey, it's low cal. Then dinner will be the tricky part. Then breakfast the next morning, which I can just get an apple or something on the ferry and then go from there. Problem is that I will end up at J's that night. So that means I need to plan and cook a delicious and low cal dinner that he will enjoy.

I can feel my shoulder bones, like the tops and it's thrilling. My thighs are much slimmer, there's about a two finger gap at the top when my knees are bent and touching. When I lie on my side to watch tv on my computer it's actually quite uncomfortable because all my weigh is on my ribs. And they just out just so, so I have to prop myself up with a pillow. I'm pretty good at hiding the weight loss though. I don't want to spend money on new clothes just yet, plus I"m in so much debt as is. So I've been wearing my mothers clothes for work and she's a size 2/4 and a lot of that stuff is falling off of me. But because it's baggy no one really sees. I'll try and remember to take an update photo tomorrow morning. I got the morning off of work to go get my passport expressed because I still haven't done that yet and I'm starting to freak out. 15 more days until I leave.. 17 until we are in Punta Cana. It's coming so quick!!

The Diet Documentary Continues!

I'm sorry it's been a few weeks since my last posts. Work became crazy busy and between the stress of that and the non-existent free time I've had with yoga, and other commitments I just didn't have the time to write. And I'll be honest, I totally stayed away from clean eating for a few days here and there, but I'm totally back on track now and with lots of updates!

First, I weighed in this morning at 122.4 lbs!! But when I was at my boyfriends this weekend, I weighed myself on his scale and it told me 117 lbs! I know mine has been broken for a while, I just assumed it's been reading a weight with the second digit one higher than it should be, (so this morning it actually read 123.4 lbs) so now I have no idea what my actual weight is, but I'm somewhere in and around there. Which I'm happy about, thought I would looove to know that number!!

Obviously I spent the weekend at J's, but it was the first time in 2 weeks so it was great being together again. We did fight quite a bit just before I left though. It all worked out though. He met my fathers girlfriend (who is the same age as J) for the first time and I'm just over it. Whatever. I was just still on a high about the fact that over the weekend J said I have "delicate vegetarian ribs!" He actually called my rib cage delicate. And when he came over for dinner on Monday night (my sisters birthday) and I told him about the yoga classes I was going to that week he said, "Geeze baby, what do you have some target bathing suit or something your aiming for? Aren't you done?" Which again, just made me feel that much more empowered.

It's strange though, even though I can see on the scale and by the way clothes are fitting, that I'm losing weight, but to me I could swear I'm gaining it! My stomach doesn't seem to be getting any smaller, and I just keep hating the shape of it more and more. But yet a pair of size 2 black slack work pants that I wore last week that needed to be above the ridge of my hip, now sit loosely on my hip bones. I can see that, but it just doesn't seem to reflect.

Me!

love always,

loveylou

Diet Documentary Day 26

Breakfast

3/4C Egg Beaters 90

2 Light Laughing Cow Cheese 50

140 Cal
3g Fat
20g Protein

Snack
1/2C Strawberries 25

Lunch
2C Spinach 0
8 Cherry Tomatoes 40
1/2C Black Beans 100
1/2 Pepper 10
1tsp Olive Oil 40
1 Tbl Vinegar 5

195 Cal
10g Fat
12g Protein

1.5 Hours Vinyassa
(-450)

Dinner

1/2C Brown Rice 150

1 Floret Broccoli 40

1 Portabello 15

1 Carrot 20

2 Tbl Soy Sauce 20

1 Tbl Vinegar 5

1 Tbl Equal 0

1 tsp olive oil 40

290 Cal

7g Fat

6g Protein

Total

650 Cal

20g Fat

38g Protein

Net Intake

200 Cal

Today was a really low day. I meant to include an apple in my breakfast but I forgot it at home, so I munched on strawberries once I got to work. Then I meant to grab a banana before my yoga class but I forgot about that too since I had to rush to make it on time. But I did it! It was such a great class, I worked up a huge sweat and I feel purified. Tina came over for a bit yesterday unexpectedly while I was making dinner, which was great to see her. The unexpectedness mixed with the unprepardness of the rest of the day kinda made me feel anxious. I ended up binging on an apple, a banana, and an entire box of blueberry flaxseed digestive cookies... all of which I purged. So today I'm feeling particularly weak.

Diet Documentary Day 24+25

April3 Menu April4 Menu

Breakfast 8:00 Breakfast 8:00

3/4C Greek Yogurt 100 3/4C Egg Beaters 90

1/2C Strawberries 25 1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80

1 Banana 100 1/2 Floret Broccoli 20

1 Portabello 15

225 Cal 1 tsp Olive Oil 40

1g Fat

20g Protein 255 Cal

14g Fat

Lunch 1:00 27g Protein

2C Spinach 0

1 Stalk Celery 0 Lunch 1:00

1/2C Cucumber 0 1C Spinach 0

5 Cherry Tomatoes 25 20 Cherry Tomatoes 100

1/2 Pepper 10 1 Pepper 15

1/4C Corn 35 1/4 Cucumber 0

1/2C Black Beans 100 1/4C Light Feta 70

3 Tbl Italian 15 1 tsp Olive Oil 40

1 Tbl Vinegar 5

255 Cal

2g Fat 230 Cal

20g Protein 14g Fat

10g Protein

Snack 5:45

Grapefruit 50 Snack 6:45

Grapefruit 50

Dinner 7:00

1/2C Brown Rice 150 Dinner 7:30

1 Floret Broccoli 40 1 Scoop Protein Powder 110

1 Portabello 15 1 Banana 100

1 Carrot 20 1 Tbl Cinnamon 0

2 Tbl Soy Sauce 20 1 tsp Vanilla extract 0

1 Tbl Vinegar 5

1 Tbl Equal 0 250 Cal

1 tsp olive oil 40 5g Fat

27g Protein

290 Cal

7g Fat Total

6g Protein 785 Cal

33g Fat

Total 64g Protein

820 Cal

10g Fat

46g Protein

I knew enough to trust my gut, J knew about the pot. I decided yesterday to come clean, though I only admitted to smoking recently, with the stress of this new job and what not. I was so scared I was shaking so hard. He was really kind about it, and accepted it really well. It put all my nerves at ease when he said, 'I love you more than anything int his world, I want to have an honest relationship with you'. 

I haven't done any excercise all week, except for that walk on Tuesday, and I need to try harder to include more. The new schedule at my yoga studio does not jive with my work schedule so maybe I'll have to try some new classes! I'm going to check out a hot yoga class at the same place and see how I do. I'll have update photos for tomorrows post as well!

I weighed in this morning at 122.8 

love always,

loveylou

Diet Documentary Day 23

It was a hard road back to organized eating once I gave myself a freebie. I managed to keep it all under control, and yes I did purge a few times. (though not enough, in my opinion...) I would go all day without eating, or skip breakfast and then eat a mid-afternoon meal, feel too full and que binge. I always seem to binge after I see J. I chalk it up to how calm and happy I feel that I just don't give a hoot about counting calories. Plus, I usually eat less when I'm with him, because he sees me naked, so when I come home I'm a lot more hungry than usual. As well, I end up getting really stoned because when I'm with J I'm with him for a few days, and that means no pot.

Anyways, yesterday was magical with J. We had the most incredible sex ever! We hadn't seen each other for over a week and I'm fairly certain that's the longest we've ever been apart since we started dating. We stopped by a health foods grocer and had a picnic on the beach in this semi-secluded little cove just before sunset. As J is about to drop me off, he asks to come in to use the bathroom. Luckily I had somewhat cleaned up a bit and hid my marijuana-paraphinilia but there was clear evidence everywhere in my room. My bathroom is right next to my room, and I forgot to clean up an open bobby pin I use to pick out my bowls. It was somewhat hidden underneath this little container thing but it's giving me a ton of anxiety. J was acting kinda weird when he came back down, but I can't tell if it was just because he wasn't feeling well. I didn't question or push him on it because if it was what I was afraid of, I would have had no choice but to come clean. I'm really hoping this is just all in my head and I'm over analyzing and over reacting but my gut tells me something a little different.

Today was the first day working on my own at the office with my Grandfather. I watched him sign a multi-million profit deal with a european company for an international import/export business. Not bad for a Tuesday; eye-popping for a first day. I was really nervous about making a mistake but both him and his business partner seem to understand that 1 week is not adequate training and so they are still guiding me which is great. However, we have these frank conversations about me taking on more responsibilities and trying to absorb our contractors hours because she's being grossly over payed. I'm making huge life career-making, family-breaking decisions at 21 while hiding an eating disorder and a drug crutch to mask high-anxiety and controlling type behaviors all while STILL lying to my boyfriend about being a university student, living at home, and in debt. With shit like this happening it just makes me seriously consider not going back to school. I did force myself to send in my applications just under the deadline, which I'm relived about.

Here's what today looked like.

Breakfast
1/2C Kale 0
1 Apple 50
1 Banana 100
2C Water

150 Cal
1g Fat
2g Protein

Lunch

Lunch! :)

2C Spinach 0
5 Cherry Tomatoes 25
1/2C Cucumber 0
1 Stalk Celery 0
1/4C Chick Peas 85
15 Almonds 100
1/2C Strawberries 25
1/2 Orange Peper 10
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
2 Tbl Vinegar 10

295 Cal
15g Fat
15g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Dinner
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80
1/2C Broccoli 10
1/2C Spinach 0
Basil, Oregano, Pepper 0

180 Cal
7g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
1/2C Pineapple 50

Total
725 Cal
23g Fat
42g Protein

I needed a low day to gain back some control and shrink my stomach to proper size. I went to yoga today only to find out as soon as I got to the studio that today is the first day of their new spring/summer schedule, so now my yoga class is moved to right when I finish work! Such a bummer, I might have to start going to hot yoga, although I'm seriously concerned I'd faint. I have had heart troubles for a few years now because I have hyperthyriodism disorder. Anyways, I walked home which was 16 blocks up hill and then spent another hour cleaning my bathroom and room after the scare with J. I'm going to do some sit ups before bed as well.
love always,
loveylou

solo un po di vino...

Yeah, just a little bit of wine...right. Last night was a crazy blur but I loved every minute of it. It was so good to see Giacomo and reminisce about everything in Italy, and hear about how everyone is doing. It makes me want to go back too much. We took him to one of our favourite bars in the middle of nowhere and got drunk off of wine and jager shots.

Anyways, you may have noticed todays post is not a diet documentary. Heres why: I'm afraid that over planning and sticking to my routine will cause me to rebel against it, as I would feel trapped and that the control has been taken away from me. So today is a freebie day, and while I absolutely hate using that term, because really there are no such days, I realize that it's necessary. I'm incredibly hungover and while I'm not binging, I am eating when I'm hungry but not paying attention to calories or numbers or anything like that. For that reason, I'm not going to post everything I've consumed today because I'll just end up obsessing about it and I know it will lead to a bad binge. Tomorrow will resume the documentation.

Diet Documentary Day 22

Fuck me, I binged again last night. Purged up virtually everything I ate yesterday (which was only the salad and a grapefruit) and traded it for a lemon blueberry muffin (probably around 400 cal) which was the last thing I ate and didn't purge. I need to get better control. Tonight will be a challenge because I'm going out drinking with my friends. Giacomo will be coming and I'm so excited to see him!! I can't drink a lot because I just realized that I have to work tomorrow from 1-5, which is a bummer. I got a good long sleep last night though and I'm feeling a bit better.

Breakfast
Green Tea 0

3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella80
3 Mushrooms 15
1/2 Pepper 5
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
Spinach Basil 0

220 Cal
14g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Dinner
2.5C Almond Milk 100
1 Scoop Choco Vega Protein 110

210 Cal
10g Fat
15g Protein

Tonight I'll be going out with all of my girlfriends to one of our favourite bars and Giacomo is going to come with us! I'm really excited to see him, and all my friends who came in from out of town Universities that are home for Easter will be there too! I've got a cute outfit already planned.

I tried on the skirt I wore the night I met J, I remember weighing myself that morning at 124.5, and the skirt fits. My scale tells me I'm 10 pounds heavier because somethings wrong with the digital thingy so that puts me in at 123.6. Thats the lowest I've been in almost a year. I'm so friggin close! I just can't ruin it all tonight with a drunken stoned binge. I already went half a day without eating today, and all day yesterday without eating anything proper so I know my body is going to be weak unless I fuel up today. Plus all of the unnecessary drinking calories.. ugh. I'm going to stick to wine though. It's always just seemed the most natural to me, and the most 'natural' form of drinking, since it's essentially grape juice. I'll consider it work research :)