good days are possible

I had an amazing day today. Nothing particularly extraordinary occurred, but everything went well, manageable. I woke up early for school and as I was showering I was still trying to convince myself to go to class. It's always such a struggle, when I can just stay in bed all day and starve or binge and not have to deal with any type of social interaction. I can float away into a world where I control everything, I control my own fate, my own destiny. 

Then I realized that I already do. Though I can't control everything, there are things I can do, and I can make myself do things I don't particularly want to do, and even so - sometimes circumstances will surprise you.

I got myself to class (which was a feat on it's own, especially after a week break of classes - staying in bed for the umpteenth time all day is not hard) and I got put into a group with a very cute boy I have been eyeing all semester. He introduced himself and we chatted as we walked out of class. I know it's not much, but even just the idea of being happy with someone else, scratch that, general male attention is very very nice. Especially after a night full of binging...

I got work done during the break, chatted with Andrew a bit and then came home and had a really constructive conversation with my mom. During the fight between my mom, sister and I, mom and I were never on bad terms. It was more each of us against my sister, if you were to put it into sides like that.

I opened up a bit more about my personal feelings towards my dad, and how I see things. Probably more than I should have told her. I feel guilty when I can see how guilty she feels for everything 'she's put us through'. But it still felt great to get it off my chest, and she understands. 

I think hope things will improve over here. I tried my best to explain 'teenage deciphering' for my mom, because no one ever did that for me, and that's all I wanted from my parents. I would do something or say something that really meant something else entirely and would just run in circles of frustration when no one would understand me. Storyofmylife.

Her and my sister are going to talk tomorrow, then somewhere daddy will jump in and hopefully they can sort this all out.

Has anyone noticed that ALL OF THIS started because I finally spoke out about MY problem with my dad's new girlfriend, and his actions and lack of consideration for my feelings. This has now COMPLETELY turned into an issue about my sister. I hate to sound needy and whiney but I'm actually kind of upset about it. I know I won't say anything, because I can also see the importance in what we're doing for my sister. Though the timing is hilarious, and my issues and personal feelings will probably be over looked, at least there is some good coming out of it. crossyourfingers.

Also, I definitely heard my sister purging last night. I'd recognize those sounds and coughs anywhere, the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, waiting until there is no one in the kitchen so you cane make and eat whatever fattening caloric concoction you can get your hands on. I have no idea what to do with this. Obviously bringing this to light, shines brightly on me and my eating issues so my gut reaction is to avoid it... I'm hoping that the purging is symptomatic and when we solve the problem (through counselling, yes I've convinced my mom to *push* my sister to talk to someone) it will resolve. The Bulimic in me is rolling her eyes, but I really have no idea what to do. She is far too smart and manipulative for me to be real with her and admit my ED and bond her with and then try and convince her into recovery? She is still 250lb+ and how monumental hypocritical is that of me? I'm pretty sure its bPD and BDD because she's been over weight since she was a kid but couldn't recognize how over weight my grandparents were, she saw that as 'normal' so to her (up until now) she has been 'normal weight'.

Today I will let myself have 

a bowl of special k with 1/2 cup almond milk 

140 cals

celery sticks with 1/2 cup of cottage cheese

100 cals

a cup of broccoli soup for dinner 

90 cals 

plus some fruit to snack on, I think I saw blueberries (80cals per cup) in the fridge, if i freeze them they take longer to eat and I get to savour each one so that's been my new trick. 

Total: 440 cals 

Today just feels so triggering all I want to do is binge

Stay Strong Lovelies,

xoxo

fat & fights

5 day long binging really takes it out of you... remember how I have this irrational fear that when I eat bad things happen? Well call me clairvoyant and get on with it...
I am too afraid to weigh myself, I don't want to know what damage I've done. I'm praying I'm still in the 120's somewhere, it's possible.

Today my mom sister and I fought, and it was really bad. It started with a family dinner that was arranged for The Keg (even though my family knows I'm a vegetarian they choose a steakhouse) and all the usual suspects showed up. My dad, his girlfriend Claire*, my sister, grandpa, grandma, uncle, uncle's new hoe and new hoe's son.
My dad still hasn't dared so much as to reply in any means to the text I sent him so that night was already bound to be extra special. I started thinking, why am I just lying down and taking this? Why do I continue to paint this happy picture, just so that he can have his pretty picture perfect story? I don't give two fucks, and you bet your ass I'm not going to bend over backwards to achieve his happiness.
I pulled a few little stints, subtle. Because manipulation always has to be. I wore the diamond earrings, which my mom has now passed on to me, that he gave to her one christmas, and then drenched myself in her perfume that I have always known her to wear. Sat in the passenger seat as he came to pick us up and he had to crack a window and did not look happy. I smiled. My sister tells me how much I look like mom with my hair pulled up. I smile. We get to dinner, a few wise cracks about ages, and what is young. Nothing is said. Daddy orders a drink before everyone is even at the table, I know I've got to him. 3 glasses of wine later and I'm biting my tongue to make a comment about how proud I should be of my '8-martini's-later-still-standing' father.
I come home feeling like maybe I can actually win once. Maybe it's possible. I know that my feelings are valid, that what he is doing is wrong, and my emotional reaction to him is completely legitimately normal and well within reason. This is not me over reacting to something and being over emotional or over sensitive. This is fucking disgusting, and as nice as a girl as Claire is, she walked into this shit when she decided to share a bed with a 47 year old man who has a daughter not far from the age of her own.
My sister has traded teams and is now batting for Daddy, and whipped around words in the kitchen just to see the damage they caused. She told my mother that Claire and her have a better relationship than her and my mom. Stings. She told me to swallow all of my feelings so that everyone else can be happy. Ouch - because that isn't what I've been doing for years and have just NOW stopped? She blames me and my mom for putting her in the middle of situations when my grandparents whisper in her ear to try and 'fix' me when I get upset and make that her responsibility- to keep me in check. instead of the people making that her job in the first place. None of this makes sense and I just feel so defeated. My sister watches my dad break down at the table or get a little upset, and automatically has this abundance of sympathy for him. But me? Because I keep all my emotions bottled I guess I seem heartless. I finally showed her a bit of my pain today. I yelled and screamed and fought and hit myself. She rolled her eyes. There is so much she doesn't know, and so much I try and do to protect her that she's unaware of and it exhausts me. She complains about my grandparents and what they put her through, however they've been putting me in the exact same spot for YEARS now. I can't keep protecting her from all of this, and now that I'm not- she's mad about it. She wants to move out- and in with my dad. I feel like I'm loosing her.

So that's what a 5 day binge gets you, a whole lot of shit. Today I finally got my act together, haven't eaten a damn thing, just sipping diet soda so far and hitting my bong. Today is the first in 3 that I've actually gotten out of bed. How sick is that?
For now I'm going to sit in my room of candles and smoke the pain away, dreaming of a day I'm so thin everyone will be too afraid to break me. This is my outlet for pain.

 I'll show you what it looks like.

It's hard as bone and thin as ice.

I'll show you what my pain looks like

Zeds Dead, Baby

Holy crap, talk about just shedding 5 pounds? I have no idea if this is a true reading or not but I can tell that I've lost weight, my bones are much more prominent, 123.5 is another new low for me. I love the feeling, like I'm slowly descending down a staircase, floating, just hovering above the wooden steps; a slow motion fall it feels like flying.

Last night, I had an amazing night. I wore this gorgeous burnt orange top that was exposed my lower back and got so many compliments on how great I looked! All 3 of my guys friends I was with told me how hot and sexy I looked. It's twisted, but it makes me feel worthy, and accomplished. They all wanted me, and I could feel it. We went to dubstep show, Zeds Dead, not my first rodeo but it was still an amazing show. Again, I had quite a lot of anxiety over it. Christina, her bf, our friend Clift*, K, Chris and R all together, I was expected to drink, my friends we're popping mdma and I just wasn't sure what to do. I've been fasting post-binge, so alcohol and drugs probs weren't a great idea... Normally I hate last minute decisions as well but because I was with all of my best friends I got myself into a good head space and everything was fine. Last time I popped at the Dada Life concert, I must have gotten a bad batch because even after I threw up most of the pill, I couldn't sleep that night at all and the next day I was hallucinating for 10 hours, non stop. These drugs came from a really good source however, and we capsuled them ourselves so we could control quantity and I only took a very small amount. It ended up great, I had about 1.5 glasses of white wine before we left, and then 1.5 of a double rye and ginger (my fav!) and a small amount of drugs and I was great! I had only had 3 bowls of home made veggie soup that day (total 150 cals) so I was nervous I would be trashed or something, but nope, I did it! :)

The best part of the night was when Christina and her boyfriend G came back to my place and we smoked a few bowls out of my bong and just talked for a few hours. I lit all the candles around my bedroom and we just sat there, still so high and vegged and reflected on the night.

I've also had an increase in my state in paranoia... last night while I had Christina and her boyfriend over getting ready for the concert, I saw my sister and mom run into my moms bedroom with her lap top, and they were fighting a bit. Immediately I thought, ' fuck shit, i've been found out. they found my blog, everything is over'. Luckily because my reading break is now, this gives me more time alone in the house. So I snooped through my moms browser history to double check; nothing. Whewf! I really don't know what I would have done if I lost all of you!

With this new low, I've decided that I want to set some more concrete goals.
The first being: 120
then 115
110
At 115 lbs, I will be officially 'underweight' with a bmi index of 18.5, and at 110 my bmi would be 17.8.
I can't wait
seriously though :)

Love always, and everywhere

xoxo

We All Want Something to Hold in the Night, We Don't Care if it Hurts if We're Holding too Tight

Wow, I was doing so well and I decided to just let it all go. Nothing slipped away, but I just wanted to live in another world for a day, maybe two. I wanted to be a 'thin' girl in a 'normal' world, to escape the prison of my mind that tells me i'm 'fat' in 'Ana's' world... I feel so sick right now, weighed down and swollen. Every part of my body is throbbing in rhythm, in perfect times with the high pitched banshee screams telling me I failed. I know, I know.

I spent the day with Christina, talking about food and the things I wanted, to appear normal. It was like doors just automatically opened because I stood in front of them for too long, and before I knew exactly where I was going, I investigated. So much food. I think I purged all of it up, except for maybe a banana and a granola bar... But it didn't stop there! I woke up the next day, telling myself to eat nothing. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. I did keep it in-checkish. Nothing manic about eating throughout the day, and I made sure everything was healthy, just allowed myself a few allowances. (hummus on a veggie sandwich I normally wouldn't have etc)

While we we're shopping though, I was looking at new jeans. The smallest size I have is a 27 and they are too loose on me now. Turns out I can now fit comfortably into a size 24 jeans! Holy crap... I think I'm really more of a true 25, the 24 was probably just a fluke. Plus after all this eating, I'm too scared to even weigh myself, with that shitty scale that only tells me the truth sometimes, and all this food sitting in me.
I can't even remember the extent of everything I ate, I know i didn't get all of it, but the only unhealthy things I ate I made sure to get those out of there.

Do any of you do this? When I purge it's not just a slip up, eat the fridge, puke - end of story. I plan, strategize. What foods to eat together that will be easiest to purge, when to eat them, no save the pudding for after you throw up, it will feel better on your throat.. it's weird. And then I try and rationalize post-purge, no you need to eat the banana, potassium.

The next day is always the hardest. I always fight myself on what's better - to cleanse my system with nothing but clear liquids, or to eat small foods with protein and fibre to help move things along...? Do any of you have rituals pre-during-post b/p's? Or do you know of any foods that should help with acid erosion or calming your stomach? Not trying to look for some TipZnTrix, but I've been trying to do research and everything I can find is just general info on Mia, yeah thanks, not what I need!

I saw Andrew on Valentines day in class, I wanted that day especially to be the first time he's seen me. I wanted him thinking of me, the new me. Because I can't stop thinking about the two of them together. It makes me sick. He even offered to drive me home, which was nice because it was raining out.
Seeing him has made me miss him more though. The last few mornings, when I've been on the verge of waking up, I day dream these scenes with him, and they are enough to let me relax and think things are okay to get a few more hours of well needed rest.

I've made an important realization lately, that scares me.

I'm lonely.
So lonely.

It would be so nice to have someone for support, someone that sees the beauty in me when I can't. Someone to protect me, someone I can love and go out with. But every time I see potential I RUN in the opposite direction. I don't trust men. And why would I, after what I've been through. A few weeks ago my sister told me my Mom thinks I'm gay. I was devastated. The people who are supposed to be closest to me, really can't see the real me at all... I wasn't upset about the 'gay' quality, just the fact that she assumed it, didn't talk to me, and hell, I don't even blame her. I haven't had a boyfriend in years. Sure I've been seeing people on and off but nothing serious. I might very well even been gay, it's not like I haven't had experiences with girls before. But I know that I am attracted to men too, I just don't know how to heal my heart.
Half of my problem is that I'm so concerned with what other people will think. In my mind, dating someone is just another means by which to judge ME. MY choice, MY boyfriend, 'Who does she think she is?'. I don't want to be put under that scrutiny, 'he can do so much better than her!'

Lately just been dealing with a lot of self doubt, I really feel like I can't do anything right. I can't go to class, I can't present in front of a room full of people judging me, I can't make my mom happy, I can't tell my sister what to do, I can't make someone love me.
I've been craving male attention for the past few days which is so unlike me... I just want to feel sexy, and beautiful and wanted. I've spent all this money on gorgeous clothing to wear when I am tiny. I can wear all of them now, some even a bit loose. But I can't get myself out of bed to get ready, thinking of being in a crowded bar causes me a bit of anxiety.

This life is nothing but a tight rope walk to your favourite lovesick ballad; demons on either side of the wire, don't look down...We look so small from down below, maybe if we were thin enough we could float away from all this...

Love Always,

xoxo

Lately, it might be safe to say that I've been feeling better. Still bouncing around 128, it's hard to get a real read between the times I am able to weigh, if any at all. I've created a ton of 'minimeals' all around 100 cals and I'm finding that I can say yes to myself throughout the day more by only eating a few bites at a time. My stomach has shrunk so much that it's actually filling now, or maybe that's just mental. I've been hitting the elliptical as well, burned 300 calories yesterday which is a new personal record for one session.

I was so focused, all I could think about was the two of them together on Valentines day... It made me feel so sick that I needed to do something productive and exhausting. Excercise is such a great outlet.

My sister has started taking diet pills, she told me when she came home from school the other day. It's become an issue because I'm worried about her. She's 17, but my god the girl is seriously no older than 11 in that head. She can't do anything on her own, without help, or doubting her decisions. She constantly needs hand holding and encouragement and I hate to say it but I just don't have the patience to be her counsellor as well. I can't, and it wouldn't be doing her justice. Basically the result of these events led to a huge fight, where she called me a hypocrite and that if I was in her shoes I would have killed myself already. She might not be wrong, but by no means does the fact that she's let herself get to the point of obesity make her 'stronger' than me. That sense of entitlement she has, that 'I'm fat but I live every day and get through my daily tasks and responsibility by coasting makes me stronger and better than everyone, because I am FAT'.

HOW DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS?!?! I understand, life is HARD when you're big, and believe me I can sympathize, rationally I know I am not fat but I KNOW the feeling and hatred that comes with the teasing and mockery and judgement. Just because mine is in my head and I have the (constant) paranoia that it is what people are thinking, does not make it any less real or scary.

She ate herself into this problem. Why is it that society has no problem with telling someone they are 'too skinny' or 'underweight' and address it is a serious problem, but we let over weight people walk around like they own the place, making special allowances and treading ever so carefully around them?! My sister has no underlying health condition, nothing drove her into this state but her own free will, this is why I have little sympathy.

For selfish reasons obviously this whole conversation about weight loss and body image floating through my house has me in a bit of a state of panic. In the back of my mind I can hear this voice that keeps telling me this all is a trick, that they are just going through this to eventually get to me, and my secret. They know I'm smart, they've got to be sneaky, so I won't figure it out. My mom's best friend has Anoretic tendencies and I have this (crazy?) theory that my Mom has this wealth of knowledge on how to handle them and is trying to jedi-mind trick me into submission.

My best friend Christina* is in town for the next few days and it has brought me such joy to see her! I've been so isolated, not even leaving my house for days, that being sent back into this social reality is a bit of a jolt. I've been trying to at least do some things every day to be proud of, something productive - going on the elliptical, cleaning the house, cleaning my room, studying, making big batches of low cal soup to last me, etc. With her here, and my other close friends who are back as well, I'm remembering how 'eating' is normal. I'm freaking out. 1) Because this is causing food to just appear, EVERYWHERE. All they want to do is go out and eat, or stop here and pick something up, or bring something home etc and 2) Because now I can see how far my disordered life has taken me. I really felt like this was all something I had kinda invented, and wasn't really real. I could snap out of it. I can't. My self worth is tied so ornately to this disordered mind and it's cause and effect that I'm afraid to even investigate what could happen should I de-tangle them.

Christina and I are supposed to go out for sushi and shopping, but I told her I had a meeting at school to cover some of the allotted 'lunch time' and then I'm going to tell her that they had pizza and snacks or something and I've already eaten. This is weird to say but this go around I never really had to lie that much to get out of eating. No one was ever really home, I have no one watching me or that I have to answer to, so lying is coming unnaturally to me, which is odd.

This sunday is a big concert where K, Chris, R, Christina and a few of my other friends will all be meeting for the first time, kind of my 'two worlds colliding'. It'll be interesting. Both groups have such different views of who I am as a person, I only let them see certain things, the things I know they'll like and find interesting. They are friends with such completely different people, and have no idea. R and Chris both are into me, and have told me so. They are also roommates and work for the same company so jamming me in the middle of that is oh so comfy. We'll see how things play out this weekend! I'm hoping for 125 by sunday... 

My new tactics include 'earning' my food. Your metabolism gets boosted with excercise so I'm trying to even do a small session on the elliptical before eating to help my body along. I've been on mushy foods and liquid fasting for so long my bowels have kinda just given up and are letting everything slide through...

I hope all of you are doing well, I want to say hello to all my new followers out there :)

Give em hell, loves

xoxo

Come a little closer...

"Come here baby, come a little closer,
let me show you what I mean..."

I need to feel something

push your weight onto me

press into my bones

fill me from the inside out.

Pull my hair

tell me what you want

I need to feel something

I want to taste you.

Imagine the scene over and over

replay behind closed eyelids

no one else here counts

keep looking at me, what's different love?

Measure me up, silently

with your eyes that slice through me

the way I drag the knife across my skin.

how do we fit together?

I'm nothing but weak

and you're all sorts of strength

including mine.

Make the pain stop

shield your body over mine

until I disappear into you.

Get out. But don't leave me.

Stay a while, write our ending with me

What do you want to happen next?

Confusion and Compliments

Got myself out last night! And actually had a good time! Despite numerous annoying situations, my friend K got pretty drunk and started picking fights with the guys that were 'hitting' on her...

It was slightly awkward, the girl is so confident, which, more power to her but it just makes me want to slap her when she goes on and on about how great her ass looks... who the fuck talks like that? 

All the guys she was convinced were checking her out, were actually checking me out... I got dragged onto the dance floor at this bar (that doesn't even have a dance floor) by 3 different guys, all of which she thought were looking at her, but I was sitting next to her. She wasn't pleased, but I was astonished!

Then I ran into Andrew's brother, Mike. K was allllll over him, which I kind of just watched and giggled at, because he has a girlfriend that he's hopelessly in love with. Maybe I shoulda told her but considering how annoyed I was I just kept it to myself :)

It was great to hang out with him, he always tells me about how much he likes me for his brother. We get along great and just goofed off and had fun. It made me miss Andrew so much. Him and his brother are so alike (don't even go there - nothing would ever in a million years happen between Mike and I, we both know that so we can do/say whatever)

Mike was with his friend who is actually my neighbour. It was pretty funny because I pegged him as soon as I walked in the bar and said 'ooh, checkered-shirt boy is so smoking!' and then when I saw Mike we started talking again, K kept trying to butt in and flirt but he was NOT having any of it. Let's call him D. D is drop dead handsome, and he knows it. He was definitely into me, held my hand on the walk out of the bar, told me he thought I was hot, but all I could think about was Andrew. The night I told him I was going to be moving across the country for school. (which obviously didn't happen seeing as I'm still here) 

Andrew met me outside of my house after I came home from a concert, he was at D's house with Mike and a few other people and he wanted to see me. He had this look in his eyes- like I was so amazing, so happy. I told him about Curtis, the guy I was seeing who was supposed to move with me, and I saw him crumble. God I am such an awful human being.

My other ex, R that I was seeing in the summer showed up. Him and his room mate, Chris (who is also K's brothers and my close friend) texted me at the exact same time when I got home telling me how amazing I looked and that they can't wait to see me next. It made me feel really special, but still, so surprising.

I've been staying on track food-wise. Yesterday I got on the elliptical but was only able to burn 80 cals I think, I can't even remember I've been so disorientated. All I ate yesterday was half of a veggie frittata I made 75 cals and a bowl of carrot ginger soup 60 cals and a 2 sugar free jello 10 cals plus a ton of water and tea. Today I've had the other half of the frittata 75 cals 1 sugar free jello 5 cals and half a single serving of veggie curry I made 75cals plus went for a 4.2 km walk but I still feel restless... It's not enough, I'm never enough.

Tuesday I'm forcing myself to go to class, my teacher kicked me out of the online group for notes, probably because I haven't shown up for presentations in 3 weeks so I HAVE to go. I'll see Andrew. I'm hoping for 125, I haven't weighed myself since I've seen 128 because there hasn't been an opportunity when I am home alone with the scale.

My mind is so hazy, I can't seem to remember the simplest things, or process things like I used to. Things that made sense suddenly don't and I feel like I'm in this constant state of confusion. Where am I? What am I doing? Who am I? What am I going to do?

128

I DID IT!
I MOTHER FUCKING DID IT!
Just hopped on the scale, 128.0
holy, fuck.

The happiness I feel right now is incredible.

Last night, I was almost catatonic.

I had gotten a deep tissue massage after my mid term,

you'd think that would relax me into a state of bliss, but

instead it just made me feel worthless and undeserving.

Plus it just gave me more time without any distractions from my evil mind.

I came home, sat on the couch, and didn't move a muscle for hours, until bed.

I think it made my mom worry, but she kept quiet, like a good girl.

Seeing these numbers has infused me with such confidence.

I still haven't been able to go to class with Andrew yet, it's been about 6 weeks since we've seen each other, he hasn't seem me this low since before I left for Italy. I'm scared, what if its not enough? What if he hates me? What if he gets angry? What if he tries to stop me? Is that something I want... there doesn't seem to be any end. Last night I had exhausting mental arguments with myself with every forkful of mashed cauliflower I ate. The whole serving had 60 cals and it seemed like too much.

Tonight is a friends birthday party, going out to a bar-pub downtown, where Mark said he'd meet me after he finishes work. I want that sexual attention from him, I want to feel beautiful and thin. But I'm afraid to want these things because I don't believe I can actually have them.

*le sigh* the confessions of a disordered mind...

Something else on my mind, guy-related because if you can't tell, apparently my mind is a 13 year old girl, and this blog is my collection of notebook doodles and secret diary entries. An ex of mine (from high school, we dated for less than a moth one of those relationships) Anyways, we've become quite close again over the last year, but he lives in a city a few hours away for university. Point being: I've got a small crush on him, and I know he's attracted to me too, and he's becoming a personal trainer. He's trained to look at your body and analyze it, to help and heal. It's so much harder to hide around him. The fact that he's not in town regularly, but in intervals means that the last time he saw me I was about 145 lbs (HOLYFUCKFAT) and now I'm 128 and losing...
It's scary, but something I can ignore for a while, he won't be coming back home until the 20th for reading break.

I confronted my dad. 

Bear in mind, it was via text message, but that's really the only means of communication between the two of us anyways. I had had a long talk with my mom about my dads relationship with a 20 something year old. We still don't know her exact age, at first we were told 29 (I don't remember from who) but now we know she's somewhere around 27/28.. my dad refuses to outright tell anyone, probably because he knows we'd freak. To put this in perspective for you guys, I'm 20 years old. So this is throughly disgusting for me. 

I told him how embarrassed I am by him.

I told him that he's making himself out to be a joke.

I reminded him that he has a 20 year old daughter.

I told him about the texts I get from friends when they go out, wondering why my dad is sucking face with someone my age.

I told him about the guys that come up to me in class and talk about the dirty details my dad has told them over buying hockey gear.

I told him that he needs to figure his fucking shit out, for my sister.

I told him that I am livid with him, but I am not giving him the responsibility of fixing things between him and I, because it is utterly hopeless.

I told him that if he thinks my sister is okay with the decisions he's making, he's dreaming.

It kills me to watch her get hurt time and time again by a man who doesn't know what he's doing.

It kills me even more because I know exactly what it feels like.

As an older sister she is my responsibility, to protect her.

I'm not going to sit back idly and watch her get hurt.

He never responded, but picked my sister up from school and had a 3 hour long heart-to-heart cry sesh with her. She hasn't really talked about it, but she said it went well, and that she feels much better about everything. That was my goal, so the other details are subsided.

I never told my sister that I said something to our dad. I figure what doesn't hurt her, doesn't hurt her right? I'm going to let my dad have this one, let it seem like it was his idea, because she needs to believe that. That her dad actually took a second, of his own accord, and thought about her feelings.

I know it might not be 'something incredible' but I do feel really good about it. It was very empowering for me to say those things to him and not be scared, and it's nice to see that maybe I can actually make a difference, a small tiny little change.

So I think I can cross those 2 things off of my goals for 2012, no?

Anyways, still not consuming solid foods. I've been dreaming of a veggie sandwich with weight watchers bread, laughing cow cheese, tomatoes and lettuce: 160 cals... but it feels like too much. I'm going to go to restorative yoga today at 4 for some excercise, hopefully dance some calories away tonight. I'm freaking out about drinking, I'm already skipping the pre-drink but everyone's expecting the 'party girl' I used to be, dancing on tables and making out with guys in booths and after partying with dj's... I'm not that person at all anymore.

Love you all, always

xoxo

Give Me Love

Give me love like her,
'cause lately I've been waking up alone,
Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt,
Told you I'd let them go,
And that I'll fight my corner,
Maybe tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood turns into alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,

My, my, my, my, oh give me love,

My, my, my, my, oh give me love,

My, my, my, my, oh give me love,

My, my, my, my, oh give me love.

Give me love like never before,
'cause lately I've been craving more,
And it's been a while but I still feel the same,
Maybe I should let you go,
You know I'll fight my corner,
And that tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood is drowning in alcohol,
No I just wanna hold ya.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,

Find Me

Nothing can touch me,

I'm flying

high, high, above the clouds.

No one can see me,

I'm transparent.

No one can hurt me,

I'm untouchable.

Up here,
I embody
Peace.
I glow with relief,
I am nothing but
everything
you have ever wanted.

Come with me, baby

I'll be your Nirvana.

Say it with your eyes,

I want to talk to your soul.

Come with me, baby

I'm so high, up here

I can't feel you,

I can't come down.

I crave you

my weak body is selfish

it loves you, infinitely.

Even when I tell it not to,

my heart sings out,

it begs you

"make me feel..."

Hit me, hard

Fuck me, harder

Love me, it's the hardest

I know, I know, I know!

Just don't let me crash,

it won't be pretty baby.

Leave me here,

watch me float away

just kidding!

Back down to 130.0, I'm dying for 129 tomorrow. I can't wait to be back in the 120's, it's been so long.

I spent the whole day today with my mom, it was really nice. We did a lot of shopping, since none of my clothes are fitting anymore. My strapless bra's won't even stay up anymore. So I went and got properly fitted and the lady measured my rib cage, 30 (inches I'm guessing?) which then spiralled into a conversation about how tiny I've gotten. Awesome. 

The smaller I seem to get, the more introverted I'm becoming. Last week I barely left the house. Today at the mall, all I could think was, "I really hate people!" And I didn't even feel bad or care! Nothing but apathy, just general 'who gives a fuck anymore'. I don't really talk to people, and the people I do talk to, I make sure to choose them carefully, the main criteria being that they need to be far enough away for me to be feel comfortable. No one I really need to put work or effort in with. 

I didn't even call or text Mark last night. I stayed in, all alone, got high and painted.

It's strange, I don't want to be alone, I hate it. My thoughts are screaming at me, I guilt myself for not spending time with people that deserve my time and care for me, but I can't be bothered to go out of my way. I don't want to have food anywhere near me, I get so agitated when it even gets brought up in conversation. My brain automatically takes it as a personal threat, they're talking about it just to get me to eat. I've forgotten that this is what normal people are like.

Andrew and Mary didn't break up. I might have over reacted...
I showered, straightened my hair, shaved, got ready, just in case he might drop by, you never know...
We did talk a little, but then I realized that all of their stuff was back online.
I'll be seeing him on monday, for a make up class.
Need to be 128 by Monday. Have to be 128.
This is the one thing I'm good at. Something everything will notice if I succeed, but no one will throw back in my face if I fail, which I won't. This is what I can do, if I can't do anything else.

I can get smaller.

I can be a smaller problem.

I won't be demanding.

I won't demand a damn thing.

I'll sit here, pretty and quiet.

Until eventually,

I'll vanish.

Can this actually be happening?

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but my entire body is tingling with hope.
I'm paralyzed with possibility.

I think Andrew and Mary broke up.
I woke up this morning, after I had skipped class with him, and he sent me a message just with a " <3 "
I actually said out loud to an empty house, 'How the fuck does he do this?" I let myself 'eat' last night, all safe foods and I stayed around 900 cals for the day, but I woke up wanting more. I let myself have Special K cereal for breakfast, which is usually a big treat, but I was trying not to let myself binge the whole day away. Then I see his message and just like that, back on track.

It's that little reminder that says

"This is what you're doing this for, don't give up now..."

I hoped on the scale first thing and it said 131.5
Disgusting.
I won't see him until Tuesday and I'm craving 128, but I'm really going to have to work for it. Liquid fasting tends to be the best way to get that done so I think I might start that today and see if I can make it 5 days and drop the weight. Most of it is period bloat and the weight of the food still in me so I think it's within reach!

I have no idea how to react to this line of conversation with him. It's not even a conversation. I have been hyper vigilant about keeping our topic content appropriate. Not too personal but not cold or rude, attempting to show him that I can be good about this. I'll put him first. So this kind of came out of the blue, and I don't understand.

It's a fucking heart, what do you want?

You've already got my heart, what more do you want from me?

He's changed his profile picture from a picture of the two of them to an old one he's had for a while of him and his friend, he's deleted all the cutesy pictures of them off of his profile, she isn't anywhere on his wall. Then I tried searching her and I have her as a friend since we've run in the same Gigantic social circles but I couldn't. Did she delete me, or her account? Mid terms are coming up and she's studying to be a nurse, so she very well could have deleted her account. I really don't get it.
Trying not to over analyze, can you tell how great of a job I'm doing there?

Mark and I are supposed to go out tonight, I've ditched him twice in a row. Just couldn't have the motivation to be social. I feel like I become very fake. I want the attention and adoration he gives me when we don't spend time together, but I don't want to put the work in. He wants me to wait for him to get off work tonight at 11, and then join him and his friends, whom I've never met, and go for drinks downtown and then go back to his place, which is about an hour and a half via transit from my home.
This is so not my idea of Friday fun.
Is this what normal girls do?

How pathetic is it that I would way rather sit at home,  sip my tea and vegetable broth, watch a movie, smoke a joint, and wait for Andrew to drunk call me tonight and come over. That's our pattern.

Here's where my psychosis is breaking: My relationship with Andrew has been, in a lot of ways, predictable. Not with the boring connotation that is normally attributed with the word. Predictable in the way a coded message reads exactly what you want and need it to say, after you have the key to understanding it. I know his moves, I know his thoughts, and I love each and every part of them. In the same way, he knows me, my demeanour, what I mean to say when I can't say the things I mean, how I am feeling, he knows. It drives me crazy, in a comforting way. I value my privacy, above almost all things. But privacy is something I have not, when I am with him. Because he see's through any facade I throw at him. Subconsciously, I think that's why I've been avoiding class with him. He will see Ana in my eyes. I can't lie to him. Not out of guilt, out of sheer impossibility. I can NOT convince him something he knows is true. He will not believe me.
This is what our past experiences has taught me.

This time, there are no rules. I told him that I wanted to put a finish to all confusing details of our relationship. That this needs to be platonic. That I was done. Now, I meant what I said, but I seriously didn't. I need that to be over. I am broken because of it. I am broken without him. But did he see through that? Did he let me be because he knew that that's what I needed, that that's what was fair?

I want to believe that he needed to see if he could be who he wanted with someone else. He needed to try that. I want to believe that it didn't work between them. I want to believe that he's known this whole time that it's always been me. I want to believe that he's going to see the weight loss, take me in his arms and whisper that he loves me. I want to believe that tonight I'm going to be able to sleep because his arm will be wrapped around me again. I want to believe that he's going to realize that I'm capable of expressing emotion this time.

I never, ever, really subscribed to the idea that this was seriously the end. I do not imagine this ending, I have no idea how that would be possible, it seems unfathomable to my brain. Maybe that's a driving factor in this crazy merry-go-round game of love, or maybe this is it?
Maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I was made to live my life without brushing shoulders with any one else. That the most I could ever hope to be is not a catastrophe in anyone else's story. Maybe I don't get my own book. I should leave it alone...

Can you tell I'm calm, cool and collected?

Can you tell I'm not a nervous wreck? 

This is literally one of those lifetime, 'Sophie's Choice', moving-on moments.
Will she choose the love she vowed never to have again, the love that has broken her heart?
Or will she choose the hope of new love, and new possibilities?
Stay fucking tuned.

Not even this girl knows what's going anymore.

Love Always,

xoxo

Overwhelmed

The response I received from my last post was, unbelievable. I'm really at a loss for words guys...You can never know how much your words mean to me, stillimagining, carousel, Leigh, english rose, lulu, alaska your emotional response was so unexpected and heartfelt, it made me feel so loved and cared for and understood all at the same time. I really am so over come with so much emotion from you all, I guess I never truly thought that my words here could bring someone to tears, or mean so much to anyone else.

Thank you, you are all so lovely and beautiful.

Quick updates, I've lost control twice. Both at night, both in small doses. It's not like I sit on the kitchen floor and eat everything I can, it's this weird calculated binge. I'll eat 200 cals at time roughly, I don't count it, but I'll eat at 12 separate occasions and then FREAK OUT. I just eat mass amounts of my safe food, but then I feel too full and end up purging 2,3,4 times a night. I did this back to back and decided that was enough, and now I've been fasting for the past 2 days to get back on track.

I've told myself I can have 1 serving of broccoli soup (90 cals) and one protein smoothie (250 cals) a day but I keep putting it off... I'm scared of food again.

Plus, now that I have a functioning scale again, those numbers just keep motivating me. 

I weighed in at 130.0 this morning. A new low. I'm craving 128 by friday, my next class with Andrew.

It sucks because the class that we have together is public speaking, with weekly class presentations. All eyes on me. This is just fanfuckingtastic for the social anxiety I feel.. not to mention the new height it takes when he's there. If I fuck up and get fat, everyone will notice. Plus we get recorded on camera, so it becomes this new struggle of desperately trying to be thin but not raise alarm, but I still crave his attention...

I'm feeling back on track though. I'm noticing that my eating tends to escape me when other aspects of my life get out of hand. I've felt really off track with school, I just couldn't get myself out of bed to face anyone. I've become so withdrawn lately. I realized that I hadn't left my house in 6 days... 

On another note, my sister who is severely overweight, I guess has noticed my weight loss and has taken it upon herself to adhere to a new diet. This is great, she needs to get healthy, but for my own selfish reasons, I'm alarmed.

First, she's not dieting healthily. She's crash dieting, and I've seen it so many times for her. She finds some new get slim quick solution and gives up after a week, even if she sees dramatic results! She did Dr. B's diet and lost 20 pounds but gave up, and most recently we bought her a juicer when she decided she wanted to be 'skinny' for her Grad but that never lasted either.

The problems are

1) I'm concerned for her, even as I'm typing this I'm pretty sure I can hear her purging... I don't know if this is in my head, me silently projecting my own twisted habits onto the people around in me in some effort to see myself as 'normal' or I'm right.

2) She is constantly asking for diet tips. I don't want to give her any because obviously the rational side of my brain knows that what I'm doing isn't safe, and I don't want to put her in danger. She walks around consistently complaining of hunger and I just want to tell her to shut up or GTFO! 

3) I'm also highly paranoid, and the narcissist inside me keeps whispering that this is all some scheme to get me to confess what I've been doing... To get me talking about food, to come up with new recipes and engage me in meal times when it's 'all for her' does that make sense?

4) She wants 'diet food' in the fridge for her. But she isn't as strict about food as I am. She believes that healthy shit tastes like shit. So she won't drink almond milk or skim milk or fat free yogurt or anything. Now my mom knows I've been trying to eat healthier so now I'm paranoid that my mom will stop buying 'my' food and just group everything together and I wont have ANY of my safe foods. I'm panicking. Also, I never had to worry that my special food wouldn't be available to me at any time, but if I have to share it with her (soups, breads etc) then I need to keep a better track of it.

Here's to a better week, my skinny loves.

Here's to becoming smaller and chasing bigger dreams.

I love you all, always

Ana's Angel

xoxo