April 23rd

I'm still here! Don't you worry I'm not going anywhere... except for Punta Cana in 2 weeks!! J and I went bathing suit shopping on the weekend and I managed to get through it without crying, and pleased with the results I saw but obviously praying that certain parts will vanish by the time they're in the Dominican Republic Sun. I came home tonight and my mom bought pistaccios and they are my absolute favourite, so I immediately grabbed the bag and put them in the garbage. Opened them, poured dish soap all over it, tied up the bag and put it in the trash. It makes me a bit sad thinking about it now because I so wish I could have some, but I'm also proud of myself for making that decision. Weird?

I've gotten to the part now where I know the general nutritional break down of everything I consume, and all of my usual meals. I still mentally tally up calories for each meal and rough estimate my days but I'm not so focused on it any more. I don't have the mental capacity for it. Work is eating me up alive. I love it, and I'm getting better and faster at it. I keep all my meals around 200ish cals, and let one meal be the biggest of the day, so up to 400ish. In which case I'll have a detox smoothie (kale, apple, lemon juice, coconut water, celery) because it's so low cal and flushes everything out of you to make up for the extra calories. I'm going to yoga regularly now, I absolutely love it. I make sure I go twice a week, but I always aim for 3. It hasn't happened yet, things keep getting in the way. I went today, and walked home afterwards burning an extra 150 calories. (I google mapped my root and then calculated cals burns)

This weekend I'm going with my Nonno to a Wine Festival out of town for a night. I'm so excited to go, its a black tie event with a very detailed whisky scotch tasting. But obviously the disordered in me is only thinking about food options. Would it be too weird if I brought all my own food? Will I be for SURE forced to eat a dinner out with my Nonno and possibly even some of his business acquaintances? Probably. I'll bring up all my own food, we're going in the morning so I can bring my own breakfast for the ferry ride, and lunch for the way there. But he might want to stop to get lunch as well... I can always get a subway salad, even though those are just filled with nitrates but hey, it's low cal. Then dinner will be the tricky part. Then breakfast the next morning, which I can just get an apple or something on the ferry and then go from there. Problem is that I will end up at J's that night. So that means I need to plan and cook a delicious and low cal dinner that he will enjoy.

I can feel my shoulder bones, like the tops and it's thrilling. My thighs are much slimmer, there's about a two finger gap at the top when my knees are bent and touching. When I lie on my side to watch tv on my computer it's actually quite uncomfortable because all my weigh is on my ribs. And they just out just so, so I have to prop myself up with a pillow. I'm pretty good at hiding the weight loss though. I don't want to spend money on new clothes just yet, plus I"m in so much debt as is. So I've been wearing my mothers clothes for work and she's a size 2/4 and a lot of that stuff is falling off of me. But because it's baggy no one really sees. I'll try and remember to take an update photo tomorrow morning. I got the morning off of work to go get my passport expressed because I still haven't done that yet and I'm starting to freak out. 15 more days until I leave.. 17 until we are in Punta Cana. It's coming so quick!!

The Diet Documentary Continues!

I'm sorry it's been a few weeks since my last posts. Work became crazy busy and between the stress of that and the non-existent free time I've had with yoga, and other commitments I just didn't have the time to write. And I'll be honest, I totally stayed away from clean eating for a few days here and there, but I'm totally back on track now and with lots of updates!

First, I weighed in this morning at 122.4 lbs!! But when I was at my boyfriends this weekend, I weighed myself on his scale and it told me 117 lbs! I know mine has been broken for a while, I just assumed it's been reading a weight with the second digit one higher than it should be, (so this morning it actually read 123.4 lbs) so now I have no idea what my actual weight is, but I'm somewhere in and around there. Which I'm happy about, thought I would looove to know that number!!

Obviously I spent the weekend at J's, but it was the first time in 2 weeks so it was great being together again. We did fight quite a bit just before I left though. It all worked out though. He met my fathers girlfriend (who is the same age as J) for the first time and I'm just over it. Whatever. I was just still on a high about the fact that over the weekend J said I have "delicate vegetarian ribs!" He actually called my rib cage delicate. And when he came over for dinner on Monday night (my sisters birthday) and I told him about the yoga classes I was going to that week he said, "Geeze baby, what do you have some target bathing suit or something your aiming for? Aren't you done?" Which again, just made me feel that much more empowered.

It's strange though, even though I can see on the scale and by the way clothes are fitting, that I'm losing weight, but to me I could swear I'm gaining it! My stomach doesn't seem to be getting any smaller, and I just keep hating the shape of it more and more. But yet a pair of size 2 black slack work pants that I wore last week that needed to be above the ridge of my hip, now sit loosely on my hip bones. I can see that, but it just doesn't seem to reflect.

Me!

love always,

loveylou

Diet Documentary Day 26

Breakfast

3/4C Egg Beaters 90

2 Light Laughing Cow Cheese 50

140 Cal
3g Fat
20g Protein

Snack
1/2C Strawberries 25

Lunch
2C Spinach 0
8 Cherry Tomatoes 40
1/2C Black Beans 100
1/2 Pepper 10
1tsp Olive Oil 40
1 Tbl Vinegar 5

195 Cal
10g Fat
12g Protein

1.5 Hours Vinyassa
(-450)

Dinner

1/2C Brown Rice 150

1 Floret Broccoli 40

1 Portabello 15

1 Carrot 20

2 Tbl Soy Sauce 20

1 Tbl Vinegar 5

1 Tbl Equal 0

1 tsp olive oil 40

290 Cal

7g Fat

6g Protein

Total

650 Cal

20g Fat

38g Protein

Net Intake

200 Cal

Today was a really low day. I meant to include an apple in my breakfast but I forgot it at home, so I munched on strawberries once I got to work. Then I meant to grab a banana before my yoga class but I forgot about that too since I had to rush to make it on time. But I did it! It was such a great class, I worked up a huge sweat and I feel purified. Tina came over for a bit yesterday unexpectedly while I was making dinner, which was great to see her. The unexpectedness mixed with the unprepardness of the rest of the day kinda made me feel anxious. I ended up binging on an apple, a banana, and an entire box of blueberry flaxseed digestive cookies... all of which I purged. So today I'm feeling particularly weak.

Diet Documentary Day 24+25

April3 Menu April4 Menu

Breakfast 8:00 Breakfast 8:00

3/4C Greek Yogurt 100 3/4C Egg Beaters 90

1/2C Strawberries 25 1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80

1 Banana 100 1/2 Floret Broccoli 20

1 Portabello 15

225 Cal 1 tsp Olive Oil 40

1g Fat

20g Protein 255 Cal

14g Fat

Lunch 1:00 27g Protein

2C Spinach 0

1 Stalk Celery 0 Lunch 1:00

1/2C Cucumber 0 1C Spinach 0

5 Cherry Tomatoes 25 20 Cherry Tomatoes 100

1/2 Pepper 10 1 Pepper 15

1/4C Corn 35 1/4 Cucumber 0

1/2C Black Beans 100 1/4C Light Feta 70

3 Tbl Italian 15 1 tsp Olive Oil 40

1 Tbl Vinegar 5

255 Cal

2g Fat 230 Cal

20g Protein 14g Fat

10g Protein

Snack 5:45

Grapefruit 50 Snack 6:45

Grapefruit 50

Dinner 7:00

1/2C Brown Rice 150 Dinner 7:30

1 Floret Broccoli 40 1 Scoop Protein Powder 110

1 Portabello 15 1 Banana 100

1 Carrot 20 1 Tbl Cinnamon 0

2 Tbl Soy Sauce 20 1 tsp Vanilla extract 0

1 Tbl Vinegar 5

1 Tbl Equal 0 250 Cal

1 tsp olive oil 40 5g Fat

27g Protein

290 Cal

7g Fat Total

6g Protein 785 Cal

33g Fat

Total 64g Protein

820 Cal

10g Fat

46g Protein

I knew enough to trust my gut, J knew about the pot. I decided yesterday to come clean, though I only admitted to smoking recently, with the stress of this new job and what not. I was so scared I was shaking so hard. He was really kind about it, and accepted it really well. It put all my nerves at ease when he said, 'I love you more than anything int his world, I want to have an honest relationship with you'. 

I haven't done any excercise all week, except for that walk on Tuesday, and I need to try harder to include more. The new schedule at my yoga studio does not jive with my work schedule so maybe I'll have to try some new classes! I'm going to check out a hot yoga class at the same place and see how I do. I'll have update photos for tomorrows post as well!

I weighed in this morning at 122.8 

love always,

loveylou

Diet Documentary Day 23

It was a hard road back to organized eating once I gave myself a freebie. I managed to keep it all under control, and yes I did purge a few times. (though not enough, in my opinion...) I would go all day without eating, or skip breakfast and then eat a mid-afternoon meal, feel too full and que binge. I always seem to binge after I see J. I chalk it up to how calm and happy I feel that I just don't give a hoot about counting calories. Plus, I usually eat less when I'm with him, because he sees me naked, so when I come home I'm a lot more hungry than usual. As well, I end up getting really stoned because when I'm with J I'm with him for a few days, and that means no pot.

Anyways, yesterday was magical with J. We had the most incredible sex ever! We hadn't seen each other for over a week and I'm fairly certain that's the longest we've ever been apart since we started dating. We stopped by a health foods grocer and had a picnic on the beach in this semi-secluded little cove just before sunset. As J is about to drop me off, he asks to come in to use the bathroom. Luckily I had somewhat cleaned up a bit and hid my marijuana-paraphinilia but there was clear evidence everywhere in my room. My bathroom is right next to my room, and I forgot to clean up an open bobby pin I use to pick out my bowls. It was somewhat hidden underneath this little container thing but it's giving me a ton of anxiety. J was acting kinda weird when he came back down, but I can't tell if it was just because he wasn't feeling well. I didn't question or push him on it because if it was what I was afraid of, I would have had no choice but to come clean. I'm really hoping this is just all in my head and I'm over analyzing and over reacting but my gut tells me something a little different.

Today was the first day working on my own at the office with my Grandfather. I watched him sign a multi-million profit deal with a european company for an international import/export business. Not bad for a Tuesday; eye-popping for a first day. I was really nervous about making a mistake but both him and his business partner seem to understand that 1 week is not adequate training and so they are still guiding me which is great. However, we have these frank conversations about me taking on more responsibilities and trying to absorb our contractors hours because she's being grossly over payed. I'm making huge life career-making, family-breaking decisions at 21 while hiding an eating disorder and a drug crutch to mask high-anxiety and controlling type behaviors all while STILL lying to my boyfriend about being a university student, living at home, and in debt. With shit like this happening it just makes me seriously consider not going back to school. I did force myself to send in my applications just under the deadline, which I'm relived about.

Here's what today looked like.

Breakfast
1/2C Kale 0
1 Apple 50
1 Banana 100
2C Water

150 Cal
1g Fat
2g Protein

Lunch

Lunch! :)

2C Spinach 0
5 Cherry Tomatoes 25
1/2C Cucumber 0
1 Stalk Celery 0
1/4C Chick Peas 85
15 Almonds 100
1/2C Strawberries 25
1/2 Orange Peper 10
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
2 Tbl Vinegar 10

295 Cal
15g Fat
15g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Dinner
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80
1/2C Broccoli 10
1/2C Spinach 0
Basil, Oregano, Pepper 0

180 Cal
7g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
1/2C Pineapple 50

Total
725 Cal
23g Fat
42g Protein

I needed a low day to gain back some control and shrink my stomach to proper size. I went to yoga today only to find out as soon as I got to the studio that today is the first day of their new spring/summer schedule, so now my yoga class is moved to right when I finish work! Such a bummer, I might have to start going to hot yoga, although I'm seriously concerned I'd faint. I have had heart troubles for a few years now because I have hyperthyriodism disorder. Anyways, I walked home which was 16 blocks up hill and then spent another hour cleaning my bathroom and room after the scare with J. I'm going to do some sit ups before bed as well.
love always,
loveylou