It's 1 pm in Rome and Im sipping my coke zero trying to make a plan for today. Usually my routine is every night in bed I plan out what I am allowed to eat the next day. So long as I follow the plan everything is okay, under control, and safe. But lately my head has been a basketcase. (probably from not eating, but fuck it!) My thoughts kept circling around me as if I could reach out and touch one..taste it.. what flavour would it be?
Anyways, I decided for breakfast I could have 4 scrambled egg whites (88 cals) for lunch I would have my pea soup (70 cals) a coke zero in the afternoon and dinner was undecided. But after I ate my egg whites I felt so sick, and I was looking after the baby so I decided to eat a kiwi (46 cals). Then I thought it was too early for me to eat my soup because I like to spread my eating all throughout the day so I would have my coke zero now and eat my soup in the afternoon to Elisa could watch me eat something, since I've skipped dinner the last 4 nights. She hasnt said anything, I dont know if she suspects but she knows I'm sick.. hm. Now my whole day is fucked up and I dont know how to fix it. It's hard because I dont really have any asy in what goes in the fridge. So I just have to make do with what we have. Bummer.
I started reading "WASTED" again by Marya Hornbacher. It's a great way to keep your mind off food, and your mind on Ana. It's really interesting I would highly recommend it to any other Pro-Ana's out there! (who have yet to hit me up with any comments or mail BTW!!! I won't bite!)
Do you guys have any tricks to keep busy? Activities or rituals you have to do before you eat?
Stay Strong & Think Thin
Love Always,
Anas Angel xo
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
When You're Lonely... Remember Ana is Always With You
Well, a new day... more time spent with Ana.
Does anyone else there in blogger world find it easier to fast than constrict?
It's as if just having a taste is too much temptation, it's easier for me to just avoid in general.
Lately I've been been keeping my days under atleast 300 cals.
Yesterday's stats
breakfast: 3 scrambled egg whites 51 cals
lunch: 1 kiwi 46 cals
dinner: home made carrot soup: roughly 150 cals
total: 247
I also have a habit for over estimating the amount of calories I consume if I'm in doubt. That way I'm not cutting myself any slack and I'm comforted by the fact that I know I've probably had less than that.
Also great TIP: with my kiwi I cut it into slices, then those slices into quarters. I allowed myself to have 1 peice every 5 mins, and it took me over an hour and a half to finish! I was satisfied by the flavour, and let the peice sit on my tongue to savour the moment of havin something with weight in my mouth. Plus I felt like I was eating constantly! I know this isnt a new tip but the 5 min rule is really great!
This morning I've done it with my yogurt (125 cals) and letting myself have a spoonful (just a thin layer on the spoon) every 5 mins and its taken me over an hour and a half and I'm not even finished! Plus it's better for your metabolism becuase your body will constantly be digesting something right?
Today for lunch I'm going to steam some zucchini (20 cals) with boiled spinach (portion: 100 cals) and a teaspoon of soy sauce (10 cals) TOTAL: 130 cals makin my total so far today 255 cals... I'm not sure what I will eat for dinner, maybe more of my carrot soup?
I'm thinking about heading to the grocery store to stock up on coke zero (which for all of you pro anas out there stuck on diet coke or diet soda I'd highly recommend switching to coke zero! Because your sugar levels control your hunger, you want to keep it regular. If you having something thats quite high in sugar like fruit or carbs, it won't keep you hungry very long because your sugar levels will spike then drop. When your levels drop it sends a signal to your brain saying that you are hungry! This is also a good reason to seldomly have fruit) and perhaps also some frozen peas. I have become addicteddd to split pea soup. I'll post the recipes for both soups I've mentioned at the bottom of my post. It's filling, and liquidy so I feel better about eating it (for some reason) and low cal packed with veggies, vitamins and minerals! yummm!
Feeling strong today... although the last few days I've seriously felt a binge coming on.. Guess this is one of the few advantages to living with a family that isn't your own. They don't really have a right to complain or tell me I need to eat more, and also I feel extremely uncomfortable perparing food (of any sort) infront of the mom. Whom I suspect as her own eating issues, although now she is 3.5 months pregnant so that kinda went out the window. We will call her Elisa. Nice enough women, although she was thin enough to be my daily thinspiration. Which was guilt tripping me every day in this country filled with pasta and fried zucchini flowers stuffed with mozerella and proscuitto. ugh. I was such a fat lard. But now I'm back on the path to Ana's heaven and nothing can go wrong!
The fact that Ana let me loose almost 40 pounds before is testimony that this WORKS! I know if I stick to it I can get back to that weight. Those times people would stop me daily at work and say 'Hey, have you lost more weight??" and I would smile to mysel and reply 'Mmm not much more since you've asked me last!" Loving the thrill that finally people were noticing. God life was so much easier when you are skinny. You can get anything you want, people are willing to do anything you ask, they look after you, it's amazing.
It's a little but fucked up to think of it from an anthropology point of view. But that's not my war. I'm not here to change the way every single person on this planet views humanity or women or their body image. Those are the rules and I'll play by them, no matter how much starving it takes.
All I keep thinking of is the look on Andrews face when he sees me home this summer. He doesn't even know I am coming home, nor does he know that I got into University on the other side of the country. I want to show him just how great I can be, and then take it away from him. The way he left me stranded. He can see the hot new skinny Jess, the one made of bones, floating and skipping away without a care in the world.
I guess I should give you guys (if anyones even reading this) a little bit of background on Andrew and I. We dated in highschool, when I was 15, things were great, and then he cheated on me. I forgave him, being the peice of shit I am, and he still broke up with me, saying he didn't have enough time for a girlfriend. I understood, afterall he was a nationally ranked track and field athlete and rugby player. Less than a month later he ends up dating my bestfriends bestfriend. She was crazy. Like..wake up in the middle of the night with a knife pointed at you crazy. They dated for a few years. Fair eh?
After they broke up he got a job at the restaurant I worked at, I got to train him :) he he he. I loved it, being able to boss him around. We ended up getting rather close, and kept testing the line with how far we could go with making jokes and being touchyfeely without having to actually do shit. We cuddled, and he became the guy I called when I was just home by myself watching tv and wanted company. He often spent the night but just held me, never even tried more. It was nice. The more weight I lost, the more I could tell he was into me. Figures since skinny bitches always get the guy anyways. Mind you this was the time I was doing Blow like alot.
I remember one night, He was sleeping in my bed after I had thrown a house party and I was so fucked up I walked my friend home (45 min walk there 45 min walk back) and was freaking out not able to sleep and got him out of bed at 4 am to go on another hour and a half walk with me. He did. Without questions. That was the first night I had told him I was doing coke, and he didn't judge, asked questions just with general curiousity. And told me he cared about me. That was all I needed. He was amazing.
Obviously we hooked up a few times, I never slept with him because I didnt want that looming over my head before I left for Italy. Plus it left something for us to look forward to right? When I first told him about posisbly travelling he was sad, but sad nothing about his sadness in his typical Andrew-sense. Everything between us was a read-between-the-lines type of deal. Finally I left and he gave me the impresion he wouldnt be waiting while I was gone. Fine, I never asked him to. But we worked hard to keep our friendship going. Skyping every chance we got, which was usually his nightime when he was drunk and my mornings. He told me he loved me, and we joked about marriage and our future.
When I went home for Christmas I arranged this whole great encounter to see him for the first time with his best friend. He had no idea I was home early. He saw me, tripped out, and then continued to play video games. Left me standing in the middle of the room, without a hug or a hello. He then continued to ignore me the next 3 weeks that I was home and before I left I told him I was done. I knew that as soon as I retourned to Europe he would apologize for the ass he made of himself and the dick he was to me, but only because then I was far enough away to make him feel safe to say the things he never could when I was right infront of him, regardless as to how true they were. He threw a fit. Started yelling and screaming, told me he hated me. But I could hear just pure hurt, not hate in his voice. It broke my heart. I told him he made me feel like he never cared, and he said 'you couldn't be more wrong, this one went right over your head...' and deleted me out of his life. We havent spoken since January and I have no idea what is going on his life.
It's not until recently deciding to return home for the summer that my thoughts have turned towards him. Which I think is the motivation for loosing so much weight. When I left home for Italy I was a slim 122, when I returned I was in the high 130's. Clearly he still loved me, just not fat me right? So when I return skinnier as ever, or atleast as skinny as before or as close as I can get, I know he'll come back.
There's also another guy in the long term picture, Curtis. But he's in Afghanistan right now, finishing a 6 month tour that ends in June. Then we'll be together in the summer before he hopefully gets stationed somewhere near my university. It's hard having him away and in a place so dangerous. Does anyone else out there have a loved one fighting in the war?
Sorry lovelies this post was so long, but just think, the extra time it took to read this was just extra time you spent NOT eating right? ;)
stay strong & think thin
Anas Angel
PS add me on facebook
Ana Sangel
my profile photo is of me biting my lip haha :)
RECIPE FOR SPLIT PEA SOUP
equal parts frozen peas and water
1 zucchini, sliced and peeled
3 gloves of garlic ( a neg cal food :D )
1 onion sliced
sald and pepper to taste
boil zucchini, peas, onion, and garlic in the water for roughly 30 mins
Blend mixture until smooth
Enjoy!
RECIPE FOR CARROT SOUP
equal parts carrots and water
3 cloves garlic ( a neg cal food :D )
1 onion
1/3 cup ground ginger
boil carrots garlic onion and ginger for roughly 30 mins
blend mixture until smooth
Enjoy!
*** best part of these recipes is you can freeze/put in the fridge and enjoy later if you feel a binge coming on! They are super filling, low cal and packed with vitamins and minerals.***
Does anyone else there in blogger world find it easier to fast than constrict?
It's as if just having a taste is too much temptation, it's easier for me to just avoid in general.
Lately I've been been keeping my days under atleast 300 cals.
Yesterday's stats
breakfast: 3 scrambled egg whites 51 cals
lunch: 1 kiwi 46 cals
dinner: home made carrot soup: roughly 150 cals
total: 247
I also have a habit for over estimating the amount of calories I consume if I'm in doubt. That way I'm not cutting myself any slack and I'm comforted by the fact that I know I've probably had less than that.
Also great TIP: with my kiwi I cut it into slices, then those slices into quarters. I allowed myself to have 1 peice every 5 mins, and it took me over an hour and a half to finish! I was satisfied by the flavour, and let the peice sit on my tongue to savour the moment of havin something with weight in my mouth. Plus I felt like I was eating constantly! I know this isnt a new tip but the 5 min rule is really great!
This morning I've done it with my yogurt (125 cals) and letting myself have a spoonful (just a thin layer on the spoon) every 5 mins and its taken me over an hour and a half and I'm not even finished! Plus it's better for your metabolism becuase your body will constantly be digesting something right?
Today for lunch I'm going to steam some zucchini (20 cals) with boiled spinach (portion: 100 cals) and a teaspoon of soy sauce (10 cals) TOTAL: 130 cals makin my total so far today 255 cals... I'm not sure what I will eat for dinner, maybe more of my carrot soup?
I'm thinking about heading to the grocery store to stock up on coke zero (which for all of you pro anas out there stuck on diet coke or diet soda I'd highly recommend switching to coke zero! Because your sugar levels control your hunger, you want to keep it regular. If you having something thats quite high in sugar like fruit or carbs, it won't keep you hungry very long because your sugar levels will spike then drop. When your levels drop it sends a signal to your brain saying that you are hungry! This is also a good reason to seldomly have fruit) and perhaps also some frozen peas. I have become addicteddd to split pea soup. I'll post the recipes for both soups I've mentioned at the bottom of my post. It's filling, and liquidy so I feel better about eating it (for some reason) and low cal packed with veggies, vitamins and minerals! yummm!
Feeling strong today... although the last few days I've seriously felt a binge coming on.. Guess this is one of the few advantages to living with a family that isn't your own. They don't really have a right to complain or tell me I need to eat more, and also I feel extremely uncomfortable perparing food (of any sort) infront of the mom. Whom I suspect as her own eating issues, although now she is 3.5 months pregnant so that kinda went out the window. We will call her Elisa. Nice enough women, although she was thin enough to be my daily thinspiration. Which was guilt tripping me every day in this country filled with pasta and fried zucchini flowers stuffed with mozerella and proscuitto. ugh. I was such a fat lard. But now I'm back on the path to Ana's heaven and nothing can go wrong!
The fact that Ana let me loose almost 40 pounds before is testimony that this WORKS! I know if I stick to it I can get back to that weight. Those times people would stop me daily at work and say 'Hey, have you lost more weight??" and I would smile to mysel and reply 'Mmm not much more since you've asked me last!" Loving the thrill that finally people were noticing. God life was so much easier when you are skinny. You can get anything you want, people are willing to do anything you ask, they look after you, it's amazing.
It's a little but fucked up to think of it from an anthropology point of view. But that's not my war. I'm not here to change the way every single person on this planet views humanity or women or their body image. Those are the rules and I'll play by them, no matter how much starving it takes.
All I keep thinking of is the look on Andrews face when he sees me home this summer. He doesn't even know I am coming home, nor does he know that I got into University on the other side of the country. I want to show him just how great I can be, and then take it away from him. The way he left me stranded. He can see the hot new skinny Jess, the one made of bones, floating and skipping away without a care in the world.
I guess I should give you guys (if anyones even reading this) a little bit of background on Andrew and I. We dated in highschool, when I was 15, things were great, and then he cheated on me. I forgave him, being the peice of shit I am, and he still broke up with me, saying he didn't have enough time for a girlfriend. I understood, afterall he was a nationally ranked track and field athlete and rugby player. Less than a month later he ends up dating my bestfriends bestfriend. She was crazy. Like..wake up in the middle of the night with a knife pointed at you crazy. They dated for a few years. Fair eh?
After they broke up he got a job at the restaurant I worked at, I got to train him :) he he he. I loved it, being able to boss him around. We ended up getting rather close, and kept testing the line with how far we could go with making jokes and being touchyfeely without having to actually do shit. We cuddled, and he became the guy I called when I was just home by myself watching tv and wanted company. He often spent the night but just held me, never even tried more. It was nice. The more weight I lost, the more I could tell he was into me. Figures since skinny bitches always get the guy anyways. Mind you this was the time I was doing Blow like alot.
I remember one night, He was sleeping in my bed after I had thrown a house party and I was so fucked up I walked my friend home (45 min walk there 45 min walk back) and was freaking out not able to sleep and got him out of bed at 4 am to go on another hour and a half walk with me. He did. Without questions. That was the first night I had told him I was doing coke, and he didn't judge, asked questions just with general curiousity. And told me he cared about me. That was all I needed. He was amazing.
Obviously we hooked up a few times, I never slept with him because I didnt want that looming over my head before I left for Italy. Plus it left something for us to look forward to right? When I first told him about posisbly travelling he was sad, but sad nothing about his sadness in his typical Andrew-sense. Everything between us was a read-between-the-lines type of deal. Finally I left and he gave me the impresion he wouldnt be waiting while I was gone. Fine, I never asked him to. But we worked hard to keep our friendship going. Skyping every chance we got, which was usually his nightime when he was drunk and my mornings. He told me he loved me, and we joked about marriage and our future.
When I went home for Christmas I arranged this whole great encounter to see him for the first time with his best friend. He had no idea I was home early. He saw me, tripped out, and then continued to play video games. Left me standing in the middle of the room, without a hug or a hello. He then continued to ignore me the next 3 weeks that I was home and before I left I told him I was done. I knew that as soon as I retourned to Europe he would apologize for the ass he made of himself and the dick he was to me, but only because then I was far enough away to make him feel safe to say the things he never could when I was right infront of him, regardless as to how true they were. He threw a fit. Started yelling and screaming, told me he hated me. But I could hear just pure hurt, not hate in his voice. It broke my heart. I told him he made me feel like he never cared, and he said 'you couldn't be more wrong, this one went right over your head...' and deleted me out of his life. We havent spoken since January and I have no idea what is going on his life.
It's not until recently deciding to return home for the summer that my thoughts have turned towards him. Which I think is the motivation for loosing so much weight. When I left home for Italy I was a slim 122, when I returned I was in the high 130's. Clearly he still loved me, just not fat me right? So when I return skinnier as ever, or atleast as skinny as before or as close as I can get, I know he'll come back.
There's also another guy in the long term picture, Curtis. But he's in Afghanistan right now, finishing a 6 month tour that ends in June. Then we'll be together in the summer before he hopefully gets stationed somewhere near my university. It's hard having him away and in a place so dangerous. Does anyone else out there have a loved one fighting in the war?
Sorry lovelies this post was so long, but just think, the extra time it took to read this was just extra time you spent NOT eating right? ;)
stay strong & think thin
Anas Angel
PS add me on facebook
Ana Sangel
my profile photo is of me biting my lip haha :)
RECIPE FOR SPLIT PEA SOUP
equal parts frozen peas and water
1 zucchini, sliced and peeled
3 gloves of garlic ( a neg cal food :D )
1 onion sliced
sald and pepper to taste
boil zucchini, peas, onion, and garlic in the water for roughly 30 mins
Blend mixture until smooth
Enjoy!
RECIPE FOR CARROT SOUP
equal parts carrots and water
3 cloves garlic ( a neg cal food :D )
1 onion
1/3 cup ground ginger
boil carrots garlic onion and ginger for roughly 30 mins
blend mixture until smooth
Enjoy!
*** best part of these recipes is you can freeze/put in the fridge and enjoy later if you feel a binge coming on! They are super filling, low cal and packed with vitamins and minerals.***
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Right Round The Merry Go Round
Ana it's good to see you again. I'm sorry I've pushed you away this whole time. I abandoned you as soon as I abondoned America. Look at where that has gotten me, a gluttonous pig. You transformed me one like a catapillar into a beautiful butterfly, and now that I have the taste of thin that is the only morsel I will let pass these lips of mine. Forgive me Ana, you gave me everything, I had it all, but I decided it wasn't enough. I wanted to be wordly, I wanted to be more. Now here I am in Rome, Italy and I'm on my knee's again praying to you, please..please..please Ana, do not let me gain...
My strugle with Ana and Mia has been on going for about 6 years now. It started when i was 14... and the boy I had been inlove with for a year wanted to be my 'first'. Suddenly I was CONSUMED with my body image. He was much more experienced, and I did not want to disappoint. So I started eating less, and less, and less, until eventually nothing at all. This all backfired on me as I drank so much with him I don't remember a thing, but we will get to that later.
Sometimes I will go days without eating, while other times I can go months without even giving it a second though, desperately trying to seem 'normal'. But I know Ana has bigger plans for me than just 'normal'. Anyone can be normal, but I am destined for greatness, I am destined to be thin. Because once I am thin, I KNOW that everything else will fall into place. Bad things just don't happen to pretty people, right? Once you look fragile enough to break with a gust of wind, and shatter into the million of peices you've seen in yourself all along, everyone around you will only want to help you, and hold you together...finally.
For me, I've noticed that my triggers of motivation revolve around acceptance, and the need to be wanted. I catch myself at times literally worrying that if I eat, something bad will happen to me, or someone I love. If I have a big test, or job interview, I turn that anxiety into motivation to not eat, because once I break my 'plan'... all hell breaks loose, and then who knows what could happen? Most of the time I put my will power on trial for a boy... Yeah, I'm so worthless I can't even manage to want to be thin for myself, I have to do it for someone else. Consumed with the fact that if I can get this one soul, this one human being to be twisted into my web, to care and love me through all my ups and downs.. then I win. But the only way to obtain this goal is to starve, starve, starve.
I feel like I have educated myself very well on the topic of 'dieting'. I've read every on line article, magazine clip out, dieting secret, and crash diet books that could ever exist. I think I am 'smart' about living with Ana. I know right.. 'um hellooo! you are starving yourself and making yourself throwup after eating.. ' but there are ways to do it in which are less dangerous.. I haven't decide how many of my tips I will share here.. We'll see how things go.
My last cycle with Ana and Mia was about a year ago I suppose... I didn't even see it coming. I went for a long bike ride with some friends in the summer and suddenly the next day my jeans were looser. Just after one afternoon of bike riding! (mind you it was about 12 km) I thought.. I like this feeling, maybe I'll just try and eat a little healthier... yeah, right. (it should also be noted that I weighed close to 160lb EW my HW... my normal weight before fluctuated around the 130/140's but I had a terrible break up and continued to gain weight from that) I actually managed to eat 'healthy' for a few months, slowly working excercise into my weekly routine. I worked at a restaurant at the time, so constantly running around for 8 hour shifts was great cardio as well :) As all you other pro-ana's out there, or anyone who has dealt with Ana/Mia or is in recovery knows, you can't simply dip your toes into the dieting pool... no matter what you tell yourself, She's always there like the little angel you turn to at night crying for help, and she whispers into your ear 'If you skip this one meal, you will be even skinnier. Isn't that what you want Jess?' and you obey. Because that's who you are. You listen to her everytime she calls. She's that voice in the back of your head when you stare at a plate of food you desperately want to taste. "You know you can't just have one bite, you are too weak. Throw the whole plate out. It will be worth it. Ignore how sick you feel and imagine how beautiful I will make you" Eventually I lost close to 40 pounds, making my LW 122. I was sure to make sure that my friends and family saw me eating, which became more difficult for my self-esteem because I was just SURE that regardless to how many times they enthusiastically told me, "You are soo skinny! You've lost so much weight, are you sure you are eating enough?" I knew that they were secretly thinking "Thank GOD that fat cow finally did something about her pear shaped body... Those hips were hideous... If only she could loose a few more pounds..should she really be eating that??" Everything I ate was dietsomething, sugarfreethis, fatfreethat, leancuisinemeals, or subway. God I LIVED off of subway. (CARBS you could actually let yourself have, YUM!)
My ED eventually dragged me across the line that at the time seemed like discovering the promised line. Blow. I tried it at first when I friend recommended it to me at a party after we couldn't find any X. "Hey, I know a guy who could get us some really good blow, if you're interested." And that was it. Once you've tried it, you think well why not again, it was fun right? Same with Mia.. "Well I can have a few bites of dinner to satisfy the peanut gallery at the table and then flush it all away" It becomes too easy. (PLEASE NOTE: I am not promoting using drugs in ANY way, this is simply my story) There seemed to be no down side. It gave me all the energy in the world to run around and burn calories, and took away my hunger completely, and was a dieuritic so it flushed all that junk outta my body anyways! Eventually it became as staple as taking my diet pills before meals. I was doing it alone in the handicapped bathroom at work (one time) and was making excuses to go out or go to parties to do it. It was more fun to party on blow than it was to drink, plus no calories!
Luckily I was able to see the problem in my habit, and knew that I needed to get out of the city, away from my party-going friends, away from my dealers. I had just taken a second year off of going to college, and wanted to travel. So my friend introduced me to aupairing. And here I am! In Rome, Italy looking after the most wonderful 20 month old baby boy. I was really happy for a while.. really, I was. But I missed Ana...and God..did Ana ever miss me.
Thrown into the land of pasta and carbs..lasagna and fried everything sent me into a whirlwind of panic when I went home for Christmas and the clothes I used to love puttin on and feeling that space inbetween my ribcage and the fabric, was suddenly stretched tight. Where my hip bones used to portrude so beautifully I now had a muffin top. "How did I ever let this happen to me?!" and the images of every food I had ever thought "Well, when in Rome!!" swirled around my head sending me into a dizzying frenzy to go stock up on diet soda and celery. Easy habits were easier to pick up in a familiar environment. I did loose, a bit. But as soon as I came back to Italy and all this wonderful food around me was placed, Ana's voice became more and more distant, and Mia and I grew closer.
Mia seems to always be a gateway into Ana's world for me. It starts with the guilt from eating even a 'healthy' sized portion of something...and it's so easy. Just pressing the magic buttons with my fingers that know the path oh so well..and it's almost as if nothing has happened. You can relax. The fear is gone. It wasn't digested. You are okay. Nothing bad will happen. It's gone. Eventually the guilt of spending so much time with Mia gets to me and Ana becomes my best friend, allowing Mia to take the backseat who I only call upon in desperate situations.
Here is where I am currently. I would love to post all my stats but as an au pair I do not own a scale. (For those of you who don't know: an Au Pair is a live-in Nanny, who looks after children and helps them learn english)
I can tell you I am 5ft6 1/2
LW 122
HW 160
CW ?
I wear a size 4 that stretches and is not as comfy as it was... I am most likely a size 6 now. I hate that number it seem so...average! That's now who I am.
I feel as if there is this beautiful little angel who is suffocating under all my fat inside of me. Ana is the only one who can save her. She says "She can't breathe under all that lard you keep stuffing onto her!!!! Won't you help her?!?!, help yourself!?" And who am I to say no?
The last few weeks I have been starving... I have also had a minor stomach bug that I've been using as an excuse to eat soup (processed cooked veggies and water) and tea. I can see the difference in the mirror but the exactness I don't know which is driving me C-razzyyyy.
I think this has been triggered by my decision to head home June 30th. That gives me roughly 10 weeks to slim down and not become the stereotype. The last thing I want my friends or ex's to think is 'oh she went to italy and came back a whale..typical..she never was strong enough to say no, stupid slut'
So here I am... getting dizzy from this merry go round. Just praying to Ana to will everything to be okay when I go home. I only have 8 weeks in the city until I leave for University, at which I know I can get away with not eating so much easier. It's also the summertime back home and that means bikini season, yikes! Any of you pro-ana's or ladies in general out there get that feeling in your stomach that suddenly doesn't feel hungry anymore as soon as you think about your swimsuit? yep. I'm also thinking alot about my ex..whom left me with somewhat of an unsaid ultimatium before I left for Italy. Leave America, Leave Me. Since coming back from Christmas he has deleted me out of his life, and I have done the same. I'll call him *Andrew. The guilt of dangling myself infront of him when he can't have me was hard...and deep down Ana kept telling me I wasn't good enough for him. I didn't deserve him...yet? Maybe after I show her how hard I am willing to work, good things will come to me....
send me some feedback if you like, but please know that any negative hate mail will be promptly discarded. I'd love to get some support and dive into the community that is Pro-Ana.
until later...
starve on & stay strong
Ana's Angel
My strugle with Ana and Mia has been on going for about 6 years now. It started when i was 14... and the boy I had been inlove with for a year wanted to be my 'first'. Suddenly I was CONSUMED with my body image. He was much more experienced, and I did not want to disappoint. So I started eating less, and less, and less, until eventually nothing at all. This all backfired on me as I drank so much with him I don't remember a thing, but we will get to that later.
Sometimes I will go days without eating, while other times I can go months without even giving it a second though, desperately trying to seem 'normal'. But I know Ana has bigger plans for me than just 'normal'. Anyone can be normal, but I am destined for greatness, I am destined to be thin. Because once I am thin, I KNOW that everything else will fall into place. Bad things just don't happen to pretty people, right? Once you look fragile enough to break with a gust of wind, and shatter into the million of peices you've seen in yourself all along, everyone around you will only want to help you, and hold you together...finally.
For me, I've noticed that my triggers of motivation revolve around acceptance, and the need to be wanted. I catch myself at times literally worrying that if I eat, something bad will happen to me, or someone I love. If I have a big test, or job interview, I turn that anxiety into motivation to not eat, because once I break my 'plan'... all hell breaks loose, and then who knows what could happen? Most of the time I put my will power on trial for a boy... Yeah, I'm so worthless I can't even manage to want to be thin for myself, I have to do it for someone else. Consumed with the fact that if I can get this one soul, this one human being to be twisted into my web, to care and love me through all my ups and downs.. then I win. But the only way to obtain this goal is to starve, starve, starve.
I feel like I have educated myself very well on the topic of 'dieting'. I've read every on line article, magazine clip out, dieting secret, and crash diet books that could ever exist. I think I am 'smart' about living with Ana. I know right.. 'um hellooo! you are starving yourself and making yourself throwup after eating.. ' but there are ways to do it in which are less dangerous.. I haven't decide how many of my tips I will share here.. We'll see how things go.
My last cycle with Ana and Mia was about a year ago I suppose... I didn't even see it coming. I went for a long bike ride with some friends in the summer and suddenly the next day my jeans were looser. Just after one afternoon of bike riding! (mind you it was about 12 km) I thought.. I like this feeling, maybe I'll just try and eat a little healthier... yeah, right. (it should also be noted that I weighed close to 160lb EW my HW... my normal weight before fluctuated around the 130/140's but I had a terrible break up and continued to gain weight from that) I actually managed to eat 'healthy' for a few months, slowly working excercise into my weekly routine. I worked at a restaurant at the time, so constantly running around for 8 hour shifts was great cardio as well :) As all you other pro-ana's out there, or anyone who has dealt with Ana/Mia or is in recovery knows, you can't simply dip your toes into the dieting pool... no matter what you tell yourself, She's always there like the little angel you turn to at night crying for help, and she whispers into your ear 'If you skip this one meal, you will be even skinnier. Isn't that what you want Jess?' and you obey. Because that's who you are. You listen to her everytime she calls. She's that voice in the back of your head when you stare at a plate of food you desperately want to taste. "You know you can't just have one bite, you are too weak. Throw the whole plate out. It will be worth it. Ignore how sick you feel and imagine how beautiful I will make you" Eventually I lost close to 40 pounds, making my LW 122. I was sure to make sure that my friends and family saw me eating, which became more difficult for my self-esteem because I was just SURE that regardless to how many times they enthusiastically told me, "You are soo skinny! You've lost so much weight, are you sure you are eating enough?" I knew that they were secretly thinking "Thank GOD that fat cow finally did something about her pear shaped body... Those hips were hideous... If only she could loose a few more pounds..should she really be eating that??" Everything I ate was dietsomething, sugarfreethis, fatfreethat, leancuisinemeals, or subway. God I LIVED off of subway. (CARBS you could actually let yourself have, YUM!)
My ED eventually dragged me across the line that at the time seemed like discovering the promised line. Blow. I tried it at first when I friend recommended it to me at a party after we couldn't find any X. "Hey, I know a guy who could get us some really good blow, if you're interested." And that was it. Once you've tried it, you think well why not again, it was fun right? Same with Mia.. "Well I can have a few bites of dinner to satisfy the peanut gallery at the table and then flush it all away" It becomes too easy. (PLEASE NOTE: I am not promoting using drugs in ANY way, this is simply my story) There seemed to be no down side. It gave me all the energy in the world to run around and burn calories, and took away my hunger completely, and was a dieuritic so it flushed all that junk outta my body anyways! Eventually it became as staple as taking my diet pills before meals. I was doing it alone in the handicapped bathroom at work (one time) and was making excuses to go out or go to parties to do it. It was more fun to party on blow than it was to drink, plus no calories!
Luckily I was able to see the problem in my habit, and knew that I needed to get out of the city, away from my party-going friends, away from my dealers. I had just taken a second year off of going to college, and wanted to travel. So my friend introduced me to aupairing. And here I am! In Rome, Italy looking after the most wonderful 20 month old baby boy. I was really happy for a while.. really, I was. But I missed Ana...and God..did Ana ever miss me.
Thrown into the land of pasta and carbs..lasagna and fried everything sent me into a whirlwind of panic when I went home for Christmas and the clothes I used to love puttin on and feeling that space inbetween my ribcage and the fabric, was suddenly stretched tight. Where my hip bones used to portrude so beautifully I now had a muffin top. "How did I ever let this happen to me?!" and the images of every food I had ever thought "Well, when in Rome!!" swirled around my head sending me into a dizzying frenzy to go stock up on diet soda and celery. Easy habits were easier to pick up in a familiar environment. I did loose, a bit. But as soon as I came back to Italy and all this wonderful food around me was placed, Ana's voice became more and more distant, and Mia and I grew closer.
Mia seems to always be a gateway into Ana's world for me. It starts with the guilt from eating even a 'healthy' sized portion of something...and it's so easy. Just pressing the magic buttons with my fingers that know the path oh so well..and it's almost as if nothing has happened. You can relax. The fear is gone. It wasn't digested. You are okay. Nothing bad will happen. It's gone. Eventually the guilt of spending so much time with Mia gets to me and Ana becomes my best friend, allowing Mia to take the backseat who I only call upon in desperate situations.
Here is where I am currently. I would love to post all my stats but as an au pair I do not own a scale. (For those of you who don't know: an Au Pair is a live-in Nanny, who looks after children and helps them learn english)
I can tell you I am 5ft6 1/2
LW 122
HW 160
CW ?
I wear a size 4 that stretches and is not as comfy as it was... I am most likely a size 6 now. I hate that number it seem so...average! That's now who I am.
I feel as if there is this beautiful little angel who is suffocating under all my fat inside of me. Ana is the only one who can save her. She says "She can't breathe under all that lard you keep stuffing onto her!!!! Won't you help her?!?!, help yourself!?" And who am I to say no?
The last few weeks I have been starving... I have also had a minor stomach bug that I've been using as an excuse to eat soup (processed cooked veggies and water) and tea. I can see the difference in the mirror but the exactness I don't know which is driving me C-razzyyyy.
I think this has been triggered by my decision to head home June 30th. That gives me roughly 10 weeks to slim down and not become the stereotype. The last thing I want my friends or ex's to think is 'oh she went to italy and came back a whale..typical..she never was strong enough to say no, stupid slut'
So here I am... getting dizzy from this merry go round. Just praying to Ana to will everything to be okay when I go home. I only have 8 weeks in the city until I leave for University, at which I know I can get away with not eating so much easier. It's also the summertime back home and that means bikini season, yikes! Any of you pro-ana's or ladies in general out there get that feeling in your stomach that suddenly doesn't feel hungry anymore as soon as you think about your swimsuit? yep. I'm also thinking alot about my ex..whom left me with somewhat of an unsaid ultimatium before I left for Italy. Leave America, Leave Me. Since coming back from Christmas he has deleted me out of his life, and I have done the same. I'll call him *Andrew. The guilt of dangling myself infront of him when he can't have me was hard...and deep down Ana kept telling me I wasn't good enough for him. I didn't deserve him...yet? Maybe after I show her how hard I am willing to work, good things will come to me....
send me some feedback if you like, but please know that any negative hate mail will be promptly discarded. I'd love to get some support and dive into the community that is Pro-Ana.
until later...
starve on & stay strong
Ana's Angel
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