"I like thin girls"

"I like thin girls"

He tells me as we lie in bed, waiting for sleep to arrive. A few of his last girlfriends have been so thin, his mother questioned whether or not they had an eating disorder themselves, one was even a model.
This has been repeating without stop since saturday night when it was said. I was already having a shitty day, having binged the day before and feeling already bloated and self-concious naked; I couldn't get any sleep that night. It carried over to the next day, and he knew I wasn't acting myself and asked me a handful of times what was going on. Anything he said was a perverted way of telling me that I am just not good enough. Finally for dinner that night we had pasta, something I wasn't planning on but couldn't deny him because he asked for 'That really amazing pasta dish you made for your mom and I a few weeks ago'. I cried on his bed afterwards until he noticed and begged me to tell him what was going on. I kept telling him I was just tired, but he didn't believe a word of it and just covered me with himself telling me I'm tearing him apart and to please open up and talk to him. The last thing I want him to know is exactly how insecure I am, as if I'm doing an oscar-worthy job as it is.

Last weekend, J found some evidence that I've still been smoking pot, something he completely loathes in entirety and does not understand. It might as well be heroin to him, and if you do any kind of drug, that makes you an addict. That black and white thinking drives me crazy sometimes, but maybe life would be more simple. He found ash on the carpet which I insisted has been there for months, as he knows I used to blaze but know is under the impression that I do not. We got over it, but it put doubt in his mind. We went for a walk around downtown and he told me that as frustrating as his job is, its not as if there is much he can do about it, as he is constrained to this city for what, the next 2 years, until I finish school. Ha, except I have zero credits and am not in school... Tally that one up to the guilt pile. He said that he was just making sure we both want the same things, which is scary for me to hear.

Eventually, almost everything was laid on the table. I told him that I'm starting to realize no matter what I do, it will never be good enough to make me feel worthy in anyway. The expectations I place on myself are far too high, and I've convinced myself to believe that everyone around me who I love, holds me to the same regard, and, if I fail, I fail them too. Making every mistake a catastrophe. We talked about our future together, and what we want. I told him that my defence mechanism is to act the opposite of how I am feeling, to protect what it is that I want; so no one will take it away. So when he talks to me about the picture he has in his head of the two of us married and living together with kids on a big plot of land a little ways outside of the city, and I seem passive towards it, it's really because it's something I want so bad, I don't want to chase him away with my excitement. It's convoluted, I know. He said, 'I'm twenty-six years old, I'm not a kid anymore. I know what I want, and I'm not going anywhere.' I know that I now need to hear those words, out loud, from the horses mouth in order to believe them, whether I feel them to be true or not. Because that's something I never got with Andrew.

I'm still purging daily, it's a corrective measure, but really all it is, is punishment. To focus on the positive, I finally told my mom I'm not in school. She was really supportive and she kind of knew already, which I had anticipated. I think she's seen how much it's eating me alive and that I've been punishing myself enough for my mistakes. But it starts new anxieties because now I can't control the truth; it's out of my hands. I'm sure if she hasn't yet, she will tell my father soon. I can just imagine him smiling to himself and thinking, 'I always knew she would fail'.  Fuck him.

I've also been working on being more social, and getting myself out of the house more. I need to add productivity into my day, it will help me feel better about myself if I can show something for my time and feel useful... In waltzes Ana, draped in a devestating black satin number, draping off her bones holding an old fashioned cigarette holder, promising me the world. ..

"If you don't eat, you will have so much more time for these useful activities you say you will accomplish. Food will just weigh you down, busy yourself and distract yourself from food. You know the feeling you are after, when you lie in bed at night about to go to sleep, tallying up all things consumed to determine whether or not you are worthy for rest. You also know, that no matter how much you get done, if you are eating you will never feel accomplished. If you can keep up with everyone while starving, then you can truly hold yourself to a higher standard than the lowly normal people. You are destined for greatness, my sweet. You can have anything you want, as long as it's calorie-free..."

Jan19

I truly have some of the most amazing friends in the world. It's funny how sensitive my emotional dial is lately, living off the fly of my seat and waiting for bombs to fall around me can make one a bit... edgy. The other day a close girlfriend of mine popped over and the two of us grabbed our other close friend Tina and had dinner. I could have chosen not to eat, or come up with some excuse but by then we had already been together for 5 or 6 hours so I couldn't tell them I'd just eaten. Honestly I just got swept away in the fun and said fuck it. We got thai food and I got steamed veggies in a garlic soy sauce with a side of rice. White rice. What the fuck was I thinking? Then got a soy hot chocolate (with real belgium chocolate) and tried to purge. Some rice came up but it was all just too thick. Came home and ate more, purged until I saw the veggies I'd eaten. The thing about purging, is it's all so unsafe. So many times when I've purged multiple times nightly, I feel like I've gotten all of one thing up, but later on there just seems to be more of it that ends up in the toilet bowl! It makes me worry every time that I'm not being thorough enough.

Eating has been out of control, surprise. I'm purging daily. Either I wake up and try and fast, then decide I can eat only healthy foods, then purge, or I try and just eat healthy or restrict, and then end up b/ping. There doesn't seem to be a way to win. Today will be different though, I've only had my coffee with splenda and almond milk and I'm hoping to actually get out of my house to get groceries since my mom is away for the weekend, and maybe buy a new scale. I hate hate hate not knowing what my actual weight is, and I hope it will keep me on track.

Edit: I just had a light feta and spinach omelette on egg beaters. I'm planning on also making some whole wheat pasta with tomatoes and parmesan cheese. Then a 200 cal elliptical work out. I'm going to do it, I don't care if my heart starts to hurt or not. Then a strawberry banana protein smoothie and that will be it. Definitely more than enough to satisfy me, plus I've done 100 crunches and some leg work outs that I'm going to do a bit more of throughout the day. Me and my girlfriends were planning on going out tonight, but that includes drinking and thats got a lot of calories. Definitely unsafe, but fun. Tomorrow I'll be with J until monday evening and tuesday I'm helping my grandfather with a wine show which I'm over the moon excited for.

I've got to keep reminding myself that I don't want what happened with my NYE dress to happen for all my parties in February. I need to keep myself on track, long term. That means minimal, planned eating with cardio and crunches. I just need to stay focused.

Tell me all your secrets

My life is so fucked up right now and the only place I can talk about it is here. I miss all of my friends so much. It makes me hate food even more that it gets in the way of my relationships. I hate it so fucking much. I still haven't told anyone about university, and its a day by day struggle to coordinate excuses and events to pass the time until I have no choice. I feel like such a fucking failure because of it. I know that it is something I am capable of, I know I am an intelligent human being.

 School is nothing but one giant trigger for me. It brings back so many painful memories with my father, fighting about test scores, and him calling me lazy and stupid when I couldn't meet his expectations. Then using me as an example for my sister, I can still hear him screaming at her, asking if she wanted to be like 'her sister' and her sobbing and screaming no! Me, failing; over and over and over. Being bullied. Having your friends whisper about the slut who got raped. Then having the most popular girl in school hate you, and make you pay every single day, turn every friend against you, because it was her boyfriend who raped you. Or having your money-shot go around the school, taken by some perv at a dance. Or seeing the boy who means the world to you, pick you up and hug you and make your heart skip all the while knowing he won't be yours. Or seeing that same boy turn and hide from you because you made him truly hate you. Or your father apologizing for his stupid kid to your teachers. Or your principal telling you that you will not graduate, and should be locked up in your house. Or having your english teacher chuckle at the idea of you going to any post-secondary institution because 'you aren't that kind of girl.' 

I'm lying so frequently I'm losing sight of reality myself. Everyone thinks I'm someone different, and eventually I'm not going to be sure who to be anymore. The only time I ever really think I'm happy is when I'm with J, but then he leaves and I'm left feeling so utterly empty. I'm worried I've become far too emotionally dependant on him, and I know that I have. If he's upset, then so am I. I hold onto things for days and it will upset me to until the point of his notice. I worry every single day that I am going to lose him.

I try to eat, but everything feels too heavy in my mouth and makes me feel sick. I have to talk myself through each bite and prepare and breathe and tell myself it's okay before each and every swallow. I forced myself to eat my entire omelette this morning, mostly because I was with J and I knew I really needed the protein. It was all of my safe foods, a 200 calorie spinach mushroom mozzarella with egg beaters and part skim mozza, no oil. But by the time I finished cooking it I didn't even want to eat it. After 1/2 I was full, but still ate. It kept me full all day, until dinner which was a couple spoonfuls of squash and roasted red pepper soup. It was all I could manage until it made me gag. Later on while watching a movie with J I tried a banana and 2 bites in it was gross. My mind just started playing a reel on repeat of things I tell myself about bad foods when I'm trying to avoid a binge. Only the food was in my mouth and I really convinced myself it was garbage. Even though 2 minutes before I gave myself permission to eat it. 

Ana finally won.

Feeling hungry is the only way I feel safe anymore.

12.01.13

Last few days have gone okay, despite the high stress. Somehow, I've still managed not to tell anyone about dropping out of university. But the fear of someone finding out is eating me alive. I'm so afraid of the disappointment on my moms face and the shame and humiliation of telling my father that this was something I couldn't do. I know I can do, but I keep telling myself that I can't and I sabotage myself until it's true.

I've also had the flu for the past 5 days which has been brutal. I have hyperthyroidism from an auto-immune disease and it makes me really susceptible to colds and flus as my immune system is weak, and makes my sicknesses twice as hard on my body, as it is already weak. Yesterday when I woke up I seriously thought about swallowing a handful of cold pills and pain killers to sleep me through to next week. My fever was out of control, I was freezing cold, rapidly shivering to the point where my muscles would paralyze and I couldn't walk. Wrapped up in layers of blankets and I couldn't get warm enough, felt like vomiting every minute of the day, and not just the nausea aspect. The hotness, mouth watering, dizzying panic that accompanies a non-induced vomit. But the only thing I had was a protein smoothie at the end of the day because I knew I needed some kind of substance to draw strength on in order to get better.

As twisted as it is, just because of yesterday I'm in some way thankful for this flu because it's gotten me back on track. I have this lovely sized gap in-between my thighs even when my feet touch, but its only at the top part. I can see the top of my ribcage again, and the fat that was at the side of my hips is slimming into a nice line. Still so much work. My stomach needs to get way tighter, with a much more sharp waist at my ribcage. I could work out my arms a little bit too. Not much, just some weights so they are tight. And get back on the elliptical as soon as I'm better. My hair is getting longer now, which I love it makes me feel so much more feminine. It was never all that short but ever since I was little I always had long long hair. I'm going to buy a teeth whitening kit as well. I've got to look my best all February long and so January is prep month! Definitely need a few good tans, I looked in the mirror today and flu or no flu I'm a snowflake! Also need to dye my hair, there are too many noticeable grey ones now. Yes, I found my first grey hair at 19... can you seriously believe it?!

Anyways, thank you for all your comments on my last post. J is definitely amazing, and things with him have been a fairy tale from the beginning. (Even if I didn't get a ring at Christmas!) He really is incredible, and thats the reason I do all that I do to look good. He deserves better than me, so the least I can do is be the best possible version of myself to mind that gap. Maybe if I'm pretty enough and skinny enough and my hair was longer and better and my teeth were perfect and my skin was flawless, then my other flaws would be manageable; tolerable. Even if he doesn't see that way, I know that I do. So if I can't even believe the best of myself, how do I expect him to? How do I believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful and that I mean the entire world to him and he loves me? It seems impossible to me.

On one hand I see the unreason in this because I know I am a good person, but a truly do not believe I deserve to be happy. It does not matter how much or how often I do good, I just did not believe I would find happiness. It's engrained into me that I am unworthy. My insecurities often arise into arguments with J, in some way or another. I either assume he believes his problems or thoughts are more important than mine, simple because I hold him to a higher standard. I twist his words in my head to feed my demons that tell me I'm fat and ugly and unworthy, and tell myself that J is really saying those things to me. I have to, because I have to keep starving, and purging.

love always,
loveylou

Right, There...

My toes curl as he softly kisses my neck... I close my eyes and take a slow deep inhale, this is perfection. He flexes his arms and pulls me in tighter as I run my hands up and down his back. I sit on top of him and pull on his earlobe with my teeth.

He shudders and spreads my legs wider, firmly grabbing my ass. I grind on top of him, and reach around to put my hands on his knees and sink deeper onto him. He touches my knees and pushes his hands upwards, reaching for me. 

He grabs me by my thighs and picks me up, kisses me deeply and throws me back down on his bed. Pulling back, he holds himself up with his hands, hovering over me. 

"The night I met you, when we were talking at the bar, you know what I thought to myself? I was thinking, 'Finally... Finally I found you.' " 

I replied, "I've been looking for you for so long..."

There I was again tonight

Well, my Christmas and New years was a complete and total bust. I knew I shouldn't have psyched myself up over J's gift, but once someone implants the idea of a proposal in your mind, its kinda hard to get out. He gave me a beautiful black low back corset and panties, a ticket to this giant NYE party, and the kicker, the "your mom will definitely know what I got you after I give it to you"... tupperware. Because when I cook for him I give him all my tupperware for lunch leftovers and he didn't want to end up in my mothers 'bad books' by taking all her tupperware. (seriously) It's a thoughtful gift, right? Just soo not what I expected.

The worst part: the lingerie doesn't fit.... I was mortified. I told him B34 but I guess my tits are bigger than that, and I'm fatter than that because my stomach was just spilling out of it. It was so hard to do up and he made me try it on in front of him. It was the most humiliating moment and I tried to stand there looking sexy while just trying not to fall apart. He felt so bad, he even had to drive across the border to pick it up because they wouldn't ship here. So now he wants to get me a different one in a new size and I just kept telling him that I'll make it fit. I'm going to starve myself into that damn corset. Its great for under dresses and stuff because it holds you all together, but the spilly parts at my hips are fucking hideous and I would never want anyone to see that. Then the dress that I ordered in an XS didn't fit. Because I'm a cocky shit who thought she could just binge and purge her way into thinness, without the bloated stretched tummy and swollen limbs. So threw on my go-to Rachel Roy black number and Roberto Vianni black leather cut-out peep-toe pumps and a sock bun to this huge party. Where J promised to give me a proper new years kiss. But a few minutes before the count down J went to the bathroom and we missed it. Which I was pretty upset about but its not as if it means anything.

I've been doing some quick fasts. I want to eat small portions frequently but I'm just so scared I'll binge. Yesterday I didn't eat anything until dinner, where I made veggie curry with tofu over quinoa for J and I (his had poached curried halibut) After I ate it my stomach clenched an iron fist around the meal and couldn't tell what direction to send it in. Not a great meal choice to break a fast but I figured it'd expell pretty quickly. Then I got stoned and thought it'd be okay to eat because I hadn't really all day, therefore it wasn't a'binge' which doesn't even make sense but you know, whatever. I purged it back up and then had a banana to sleep. Today I'm not even hungry. I'll have a coffee soon because I'll need it. Then I'm hoping to actually get outside and go for a hike or something. On saturday Tina and I went out to walk her dog and went on this great little hike and it was such a good way to get some excercise, I want to keep doing it.

February is going to be a big month. Obviously the 14th is Valentines day, the 17th is J's 27th birthday, and the 24th is our 1 year anniversary. Lots of nights I need to look jaw dropping thin.

Fuck Fat!