I hate myself. I can't stop purging. Once I start I can't stop. After I purge suddenly it's rational to refill that void in my stomach with something else. It's disgusting. I spent over an hour cooking this amazing vegan curry but I guess the stress of everything and how full I felt made me purge it up, and then a twice baked yam, and chocolate, and cookies and candied nuts and finally 3 pieces of toast. My stomach feels awful this morning. I'm so tired. My hand is so cramped, I get anxiety if I so much as stretch my fingers out in front of people, worried they'll put the pieces together.
My sister has been in the hospital for the past few days, and my moms been away for the past few days so I've had to step up. It hasn't been that bad but I still worry. I'm so nervous to exchange gifts with J today. I haven't been sleeping all week, I can't stop thinking about what could happen. I keep wrestling with it over and over in my head.
What else could it be if he isn't proposing?? What gift would his mother need to know about after he gives it to me? That doesn't make sense. If it's not a ring, I need to lower my expectations here because I'm set up for disappointment. He probably doesn't even want me. How could he be sure he wants to be with me for the rest of my life?! I'm a fucking mess, a total utter hot mess. Oh ya, he has no idea though. He didn't even ask me to come home with him for the holidays, he can't ask me to marry him without meeting his parents first, right? But the whole trip was so tight with his work schedule it wouldn't have made sense, and he even told you that he wished he brought you with him! Yea well he's just covering his ass because I know he's embarrassed by me, thats the real reason I haven't met his family. What family bullshit was he dealing with over the holidays? He was to tight lipped about it, it must have something to do with me. I hate this. He keeps telling me that he's pretty sure I already know what it is! That I have to know by now, that it's so obvious.. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Now I just feel fucking stupid for not figuring it out. Now if it isn't a ring, and he proposes later on, if at all, I've got to go through all these fucking motions again! Fuck!
I can barely think straight.
love always,
loveylou
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Its the most beautiful time of the year
My Christmas started off with a trip to the hospital, for my sister who has gallstones at 18 years old. Our big brunch was cancelled, which suited me just fine, but being left alone all day on Christmas kinda sucked. My mom did get this awesome machine called yonanas that turns frozen bananas + fruit into ice cream!! Seriously just straight fruit, and it tastes SO good. Check it out Here. I also got lots of shopping money which entitles me to some much needed retail therapy after last nights antics...
My uncle just decided that he wasn't going to exchange gifts with neither my sister nor I, though never mentioned this to us. So though we spent over $100 on his gift, we got nothing in return. He gave my dad the box of lightbulbs they fought over during the week, and his mom dove soap and toothbrush replacement heads, with a few vitamins that my grandfather pays him for anyways. And it's not as if the man is not well off, he is in fact quite wealthy but a cheap bastard non the less. My dad's young girlfriends parents joined us as well, so not only were we put under pressure to 'play nice'; her parents were the biggest suck ups! Her dad actually said at the table that his favourite thing that's green is obviously money... I spent the entire dinner serving everyone, I didn't eat a single thing, because surprise surprise, they all forgot I was a vegetarian, again, despite being a vegetarian for a year and a half now and mentioning it every damn time we eat, and every time they ask me why I'm not eating anything. When I tell them why, my grandmother nearly bursts into tears from guilt, which is all just a show, so that I console her into convincing the table that I'm fine, and it doesn't matter. Even though getting forgotten about by my own family is devastating enough. But this meant that I didn't eat a thing, I had a few glasses of wine because lord knows I needed it. Then made a weight watchers pita with tempeh, lettuce and 1/4 tomato (300) and went straight to bed.
I ordered my dress yesterday for NYE, this is what it looks like! All of the smalls were gone, so I ordered an XS which is my current motivation for not binging. The size chart said XS = bust: 31-32" waist: 23-24" hips: 33-34" A small would fit me perfectly right now but I'd feel amazing if I could fit into the XS. It's clearly form fitting which makes me feel.. on display, I guess is the best way to put it. I'm getting more and more nervous about this night, J keeps bring it up and taunting me with it. I'm dying to know. 2 more days until we exchange gifts which will hopefully give me some insight.
So in order to fit into this dress, I'm trying to eat around 500 a day or less, 70-80% from a source of protein, and lots of veggies. I'm trying to be more active during my day rather than work out. My legs don't touch, even when my knees are together there's this slice of air in the middle that makes me so happy. I've been getting quite a few compliments about my ass, which does slightly make me more confident but the attention really bothers me. I don't want anyone to say anything. But I want to lose weight to look great. It's the silent appreciation, the quiet judging jealous eyes, that's what I'm after.
love always,
loveylou
My uncle just decided that he wasn't going to exchange gifts with neither my sister nor I, though never mentioned this to us. So though we spent over $100 on his gift, we got nothing in return. He gave my dad the box of lightbulbs they fought over during the week, and his mom dove soap and toothbrush replacement heads, with a few vitamins that my grandfather pays him for anyways. And it's not as if the man is not well off, he is in fact quite wealthy but a cheap bastard non the less. My dad's young girlfriends parents joined us as well, so not only were we put under pressure to 'play nice'; her parents were the biggest suck ups! Her dad actually said at the table that his favourite thing that's green is obviously money... I spent the entire dinner serving everyone, I didn't eat a single thing, because surprise surprise, they all forgot I was a vegetarian, again, despite being a vegetarian for a year and a half now and mentioning it every damn time we eat, and every time they ask me why I'm not eating anything. When I tell them why, my grandmother nearly bursts into tears from guilt, which is all just a show, so that I console her into convincing the table that I'm fine, and it doesn't matter. Even though getting forgotten about by my own family is devastating enough. But this meant that I didn't eat a thing, I had a few glasses of wine because lord knows I needed it. Then made a weight watchers pita with tempeh, lettuce and 1/4 tomato (300) and went straight to bed.
I ordered my dress yesterday for NYE, this is what it looks like! All of the smalls were gone, so I ordered an XS which is my current motivation for not binging. The size chart said XS = bust: 31-32" waist: 23-24" hips: 33-34" A small would fit me perfectly right now but I'd feel amazing if I could fit into the XS. It's clearly form fitting which makes me feel.. on display, I guess is the best way to put it. I'm getting more and more nervous about this night, J keeps bring it up and taunting me with it. I'm dying to know. 2 more days until we exchange gifts which will hopefully give me some insight.
So in order to fit into this dress, I'm trying to eat around 500 a day or less, 70-80% from a source of protein, and lots of veggies. I'm trying to be more active during my day rather than work out. My legs don't touch, even when my knees are together there's this slice of air in the middle that makes me so happy. I've been getting quite a few compliments about my ass, which does slightly make me more confident but the attention really bothers me. I don't want anyone to say anything. But I want to lose weight to look great. It's the silent appreciation, the quiet judging jealous eyes, that's what I'm after.
love always,
loveylou
Monday, December 24, 2012
5 golden rings, or just one with a diamond?
Day 4 of no purging! It's a small feat but I'll take it. I feel back in control now and my restricting is back on schedule. Yesterday I kept it pretty low cal, considering I went to J's and showed him the new holiday lingerie I bought for him, and now way was I having a bloated tummy for that. It went so perfect! I had my red little babydoll on with black lace booty cut panties and thigh high gartered stockings and black heels, underneath a long plain black dress. I quickly asked him to unzip me as soon as I arrived and the dress dropped to the floor... and so did his jaw...
He last minuted booked a flight home across the country for the holidays and left today, so I wanted to surprise him with a special night. I brought dinner with me, which was stuffed vinegar-marinated portobello mushroom caps with caramelized onions, parmesan roasted potatoes, flash fried garlic green beans and a spinach salad with cucumber, peppers and tomatoes. I totalled my whole meal at 500 cals, which I couldn't stop thinking about the rest of the night. I ate J's mushroom cap which was stuffed with light cheese, because the vinegar was too strong for him, but it was soo good. I had already had a spinach mushroom and skim mozza omlette and an 70 cal yogurt... but I told myself that it was just one day, and once in a while a spike in intake helps your metabolism out. It's always what I say pre-binge. But I kept it in check. Today I've had oatmeal (130) and I just finished a ginormous salad with veggie grounds, onions, peppers, tomato, cucumber, corn, and feta (450) It took me nearly 2 hours to finish but I don't feel overly stuff, and it's all veggies and high protein. I'm hoping I can be strong enough for a work out on my elliptical tomorrow, and get back to strict 3 meals a day, under 300 each with a 300 cardio burn.
There's something else I really want to talk about on here... remember how I thought that J might propose? I think he is... on new years eve. I don't know why but I just have this feeling. He texted me the other day and told me that new years eve is all taken care of, and that I deserve a proper first kiss. (I've never been kissed at midnight) My instructions are to get dressed up, formal and sexy. I'll know where we're going before we get there, but he won't tell me anything else. He also mysteriously made a trip over the border earlier in the week, and was cheeky and coy when I asked about it, cooing; 'I can't tell you baby!' He told me that when I open his gift, to open the box first, and the card second. I found my present wrapped, it's a big box, but its light and I think there are many boxes inside, I heard multiple things shaking around. And theres some sort of envelope and padding inside of the card. Then his mom called him this morning and he told her that I wished her a Merry Christmas. She then started asking him almost literally a million questions, to each he answered 'I don't know!' with a huge grin on his face and standing outside the door, poking his head out to taunt me a little. He asked me if I could hear her and I said no, which was the truth. I asked her if his mom knew what he was getting me for Christmas, and he said no, but that she'll definitely know after he gives it to me.
Any guesses as to what you guys think it could be???
He last minuted booked a flight home across the country for the holidays and left today, so I wanted to surprise him with a special night. I brought dinner with me, which was stuffed vinegar-marinated portobello mushroom caps with caramelized onions, parmesan roasted potatoes, flash fried garlic green beans and a spinach salad with cucumber, peppers and tomatoes. I totalled my whole meal at 500 cals, which I couldn't stop thinking about the rest of the night. I ate J's mushroom cap which was stuffed with light cheese, because the vinegar was too strong for him, but it was soo good. I had already had a spinach mushroom and skim mozza omlette and an 70 cal yogurt... but I told myself that it was just one day, and once in a while a spike in intake helps your metabolism out. It's always what I say pre-binge. But I kept it in check. Today I've had oatmeal (130) and I just finished a ginormous salad with veggie grounds, onions, peppers, tomato, cucumber, corn, and feta (450) It took me nearly 2 hours to finish but I don't feel overly stuff, and it's all veggies and high protein. I'm hoping I can be strong enough for a work out on my elliptical tomorrow, and get back to strict 3 meals a day, under 300 each with a 300 cardio burn.
There's something else I really want to talk about on here... remember how I thought that J might propose? I think he is... on new years eve. I don't know why but I just have this feeling. He texted me the other day and told me that new years eve is all taken care of, and that I deserve a proper first kiss. (I've never been kissed at midnight) My instructions are to get dressed up, formal and sexy. I'll know where we're going before we get there, but he won't tell me anything else. He also mysteriously made a trip over the border earlier in the week, and was cheeky and coy when I asked about it, cooing; 'I can't tell you baby!' He told me that when I open his gift, to open the box first, and the card second. I found my present wrapped, it's a big box, but its light and I think there are many boxes inside, I heard multiple things shaking around. And theres some sort of envelope and padding inside of the card. Then his mom called him this morning and he told her that I wished her a Merry Christmas. She then started asking him almost literally a million questions, to each he answered 'I don't know!' with a huge grin on his face and standing outside the door, poking his head out to taunt me a little. He asked me if I could hear her and I said no, which was the truth. I asked her if his mom knew what he was getting me for Christmas, and he said no, but that she'll definitely know after he gives it to me.
Any guesses as to what you guys think it could be???
Friday, December 21, 2012
I need to lose
Tomorrow is another busy day, just gotta stay busy and away from food. I'm going to my friends house to give him a piece of art I made for his birthday. It's a painting, so I couldn't exactly bring it to his birthday party, but he's seen a picture of it and loves its which is a great feeling. I said I'd bring breakfast though... fuck. He lives across town as well so more walking tomorrow! Hopefully it won't be as wet rainy snowy as today was. Then the first of many holiday parties to come.
Tomorrow will look like this: I'll have a coffee early in the morning when I wake up, then bring fresh fruit with greek yogurt, granola and toasted almonds for breakfast (I'll skip on the granola and skimp on the nuts) then have a little dinnery something before my party so I'm not tempted to snack there. No booze. Saturday night is our girls night out and I'll do all my drinking then.
I hope its okay.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
nerves.
Well yesterday definitely didn't go as planned.. but it's almost 7pm and I haven't eaten a damn thing. Despite baking 4 batches of christmas cookies, 1 even baked a healthy vegan batch with raisons and nuts but I did not eat a thing. I burnt my finger pulling out a double chocolate chunk cookie from the sheet and licked it instinctively but spat out the chocolate like reflex, into the sink. I was allowed to eat 1 thing today: I decided on mashed cauliflower. I wanted something savory and warm to enjoy. I spent 45 minutes making and waiting for it to be ready to puree in the blender, only half way through the blender breaks. Electric beaters won't work and there's nothing else in my house to use... I know it's silly to be this upset over a vegetable but I was looking forward to it for so long, and I can't make anything similar because they all require the blender...
I'm so hungry...I feel acid reflux creeping up my esophagus, no number of glasses of water help. I'm so nervous about this interview tomorrow, the dress I'm wearing is skin tight. While I know, no matter what my weight is I will never feel comfortable in clothes like that, I just hope I can seem confident enough to belong there.
It's going to be hard to see J this weekend, friday night is a Christmas party at a friends home that I'll be attending solo, and saturday evening is a girls night out since a bunch of people are home for the holidays. Sunday I'm going over to my very best friend's house, Jordan, for Brunch... Hopefully J has Monday off so we can at least see each other. I know he won't be happy if I do get this job though so the little bit of space is a slight blessing...
I'm so hungry...I feel acid reflux creeping up my esophagus, no number of glasses of water help. I'm so nervous about this interview tomorrow, the dress I'm wearing is skin tight. While I know, no matter what my weight is I will never feel comfortable in clothes like that, I just hope I can seem confident enough to belong there.
It's going to be hard to see J this weekend, friday night is a Christmas party at a friends home that I'll be attending solo, and saturday evening is a girls night out since a bunch of people are home for the holidays. Sunday I'm going over to my very best friend's house, Jordan, for Brunch... Hopefully J has Monday off so we can at least see each other. I know he won't be happy if I do get this job though so the little bit of space is a slight blessing...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Binge-a-thon
Yeah, I'm at it again. Same shit every fucking day.
Wake up - I'm a fat fucking piece of shit, I'm fasting for the whole day to teach myself a lesson and get back on track. I need to let all this food pass I can see it underneath my stomach, one day of fasting to feel clean and pure. I'm actually looking forward to it.
An hour later - I'm kinda hungry, I should be healthy and eat a little something. Just something healthy. Besides if I starve, I'll fuck up my metabolism and its not fucked up yet (HAHA) so lets try.
10 hours later- Holy fuck where did the day go? My room is a fucking disaster there are plates everywhere... Oh my god I binged.. fuck fuck fuck, oh wait I purged at least 3 times that must be okay then... Oh fuck I made cupcakes yesterday? Yup I definitely ate some before bed without getting rid of them after, oh and theres a bucket of puke, cute.
I feel so helplessly out of control. Today I will fast and then let myself eat just one thing. I'm feeling so much pressure because on Thursday I have a job interview at this great restaurant that's brand new, and the largest in the franchise. The thing is, this chain of restaurants has a strong reputation for only hiring the 'pretty hot girls'. No, it's not hooters or anything trashy like that. It's an upscale restaurant, that has some of the hottest girls in the city working for them. It's a bit of a thing of status in my city to say you work there. They did already contact me for an interview which is a great start, and I have a great reference from someone within their company who is fairly well established. I'm just nervous as hell that I'm not going to meet the physical requirements for them, and I will be crushed. I really really need this job, I need to start paying off my debt and getting my life in order.
Every single day is filled with fear and anxiety and hopelessness. I have all of these Christmas parties to go to that is more work than fun. I've become estranged with many people who were close to me, and while I haven't royally fucked up so bad that I should not merit and invitation to their festivities, it's enough to put me on the outskirts and make me feel isolated, even when surrounded by people.
Wake up - I'm a fat fucking piece of shit, I'm fasting for the whole day to teach myself a lesson and get back on track. I need to let all this food pass I can see it underneath my stomach, one day of fasting to feel clean and pure. I'm actually looking forward to it.
An hour later - I'm kinda hungry, I should be healthy and eat a little something. Just something healthy. Besides if I starve, I'll fuck up my metabolism and its not fucked up yet (HAHA) so lets try.
10 hours later- Holy fuck where did the day go? My room is a fucking disaster there are plates everywhere... Oh my god I binged.. fuck fuck fuck, oh wait I purged at least 3 times that must be okay then... Oh fuck I made cupcakes yesterday? Yup I definitely ate some before bed without getting rid of them after, oh and theres a bucket of puke, cute.
I feel so helplessly out of control. Today I will fast and then let myself eat just one thing. I'm feeling so much pressure because on Thursday I have a job interview at this great restaurant that's brand new, and the largest in the franchise. The thing is, this chain of restaurants has a strong reputation for only hiring the 'pretty hot girls'. No, it's not hooters or anything trashy like that. It's an upscale restaurant, that has some of the hottest girls in the city working for them. It's a bit of a thing of status in my city to say you work there. They did already contact me for an interview which is a great start, and I have a great reference from someone within their company who is fairly well established. I'm just nervous as hell that I'm not going to meet the physical requirements for them, and I will be crushed. I really really need this job, I need to start paying off my debt and getting my life in order.
Every single day is filled with fear and anxiety and hopelessness. I have all of these Christmas parties to go to that is more work than fun. I've become estranged with many people who were close to me, and while I haven't royally fucked up so bad that I should not merit and invitation to their festivities, it's enough to put me on the outskirts and make me feel isolated, even when surrounded by people.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Stripper
Back to 125!! HALLELUJAH! I felt so fucking fat and bloated from my period while I was at J's. I hated myself. Especially when he coaxed me into trying on a new bra-let lingerie after we had just eaten, that was a little bit too small, but I refused to buy a size up because then it wouldn't fit when I lost weight. But I pushed all my anxieties aside and we had a great weekend together. He was so attentive and chivalrous; made me wonder what had gotten into him! Not that he isn't fantastic all the time, but this weekend he was especially kind and wonderful!
It felt a bit redundant because earlier in the week, I bought a new red teddy and matching thong to surprise J with! I've decided to use my dancing background to it's full advantage here, and put on a strip tease for my man!! I'll choreograph the routine myself and then surprise him when he comes home from work. Practicing the routine will be great excercise, and I'm going to have to look smoking sexy so that will keep me away from binging. It's the ultimate test for me though, because in order to pull it off I have to be completely confident, and in control, while dancing half naked and trying to not worry about my jiggling thighs or how my tummy looks.
It felt a bit redundant because earlier in the week, I bought a new red teddy and matching thong to surprise J with! I've decided to use my dancing background to it's full advantage here, and put on a strip tease for my man!! I'll choreograph the routine myself and then surprise him when he comes home from work. Practicing the routine will be great excercise, and I'm going to have to look smoking sexy so that will keep me away from binging. It's the ultimate test for me though, because in order to pull it off I have to be completely confident, and in control, while dancing half naked and trying to not worry about my jiggling thighs or how my tummy looks.
Here are a couple songs I'm thinking about using:
If anyone has any idea's I'd greatly appreciate it! I want something with a strong sexy rhythm, thats a bit on the slower sensual side. I'm leaning towards Skin by Rihanna. I really hope I can pull this off, and blow his mind! If I'm brave I'll take progress pictures before this event.
Last night I got into the double chocolate almond fudge ice cream, I purged it immediately and some of my dinner was there which I was trying to keep down but it was pasta w/ peppers and mushrooms in a pesto milk cheese sauce. I made the whole thing from scratch so I knew exactly what was in it, but I got too caught up with trying to make it taste good for J to impress him, rather than keeping it low cal. I only had about 1 cup, and most of that was veggies and I know that 1 1/2 cups of that pasta is 310 cals (whole wheat) so I totalled the entire meal (w/ side green beans) at 400 cal, and the rest of my day had been 400 cal so 800 isn't horrifying. Today I'll do better. I want to work out but I'm scared because I can really notice when I'm working out if I've purged recently or not, my heart will start to throb and it jumps and skips... Maybe I'll just do some ab workouts instead
love always,
loveylou
Sunday, December 9, 2012
3:41 AM
The phone buzzes at me, interrupting my dance of toss, turn, roll. I don't know what time it is, just that I should be sleeping. Again, my phone vibrates on my night stand.
It's Andrew.
I answer, thinking it's a dream. I don't need to be standing near him to know theres vodka on his breath, and loneliness in his heart. I don't need to worry, because I know by now that he won't remember any of this. I know he's sad, he's saddest when he tries hardest to seem happy. It's when he can't try anymore, that he calls me. Because I know.
He says hello and it embraces me. He tells me he has been drinking, I say I know. He asks me if I ever wonder, and I say don't. He tells me he's lost, but I know exactly what street he is on. I know what he's trying to say.
A year ago he would have shown up at my door step, no phone call necessary, and claimed a spot in my bed. He would have held me tightly to his heart. Its funny, I can only remember a few times we've ever kissed. The night I returned from Italy, being one of them.
A year ago, my new years resolution was to never look back. I chose not to ask Andrew about anything left in our past, putting ghosts and demons back in their coffins. Even though the mystery was killing me.
I can never know the truth now.
After he hangs up, I gently place my phone next to my pillow on my bed. The place he used to lie, the place that is now J's. I look at it and wonder if this is real. It lights up again and I grab it quick.
"I have never stopped loving you"
Or did I dream the ending?
love always,
loveylou
It's Andrew.
I answer, thinking it's a dream. I don't need to be standing near him to know theres vodka on his breath, and loneliness in his heart. I don't need to worry, because I know by now that he won't remember any of this. I know he's sad, he's saddest when he tries hardest to seem happy. It's when he can't try anymore, that he calls me. Because I know.
He says hello and it embraces me. He tells me he has been drinking, I say I know. He asks me if I ever wonder, and I say don't. He tells me he's lost, but I know exactly what street he is on. I know what he's trying to say.
A year ago he would have shown up at my door step, no phone call necessary, and claimed a spot in my bed. He would have held me tightly to his heart. Its funny, I can only remember a few times we've ever kissed. The night I returned from Italy, being one of them.
A year ago, my new years resolution was to never look back. I chose not to ask Andrew about anything left in our past, putting ghosts and demons back in their coffins. Even though the mystery was killing me.
I can never know the truth now.
After he hangs up, I gently place my phone next to my pillow on my bed. The place he used to lie, the place that is now J's. I look at it and wonder if this is real. It lights up again and I grab it quick.
"I have never stopped loving you"
Or did I dream the ending?
love always,
loveylou
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Hunger
I'm back in control and I feel on top of the world. Nothing makes me feel more powerful than fasting. This morning I called my grandfather and ended up spending the day with him at the office learning about wine. It made me feel purposeful, and gave me motivation.
All I've eaten today is a yogurt 70 cal and I was planning on having another low (<200cal) snack in a bit just to keep up my metabolism. I've tried being 'healthy'... or at least thats what I thought I was doing. I was eating 800-1200 calories a day and trying to get myself to work out every other day. I became bored, I wanted the feeling of hunger.
That dizzying feeling that puts the faintest smile on your face because that's all you have energy for. The rumble and churning inside you that signifies change. Hunger is my drug. I haven't purged at all today and I'm happy about that. But I talked to my grandfather about Christmas and he told me, 'You can't just eat vegetables for dinner again!'...
I fear that this is my end. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade about school. I don't know how I will explain myself. I've failed, again. Just as I fail at everything. I am far too easily discouraged, far too easily unmotivated, far too worthless to amount to anything. I fear that something will happen when my family finds out, and how I've wondered for so long if they have all known... I'm afraid they'll send me away...
love always,
loveylou
All I've eaten today is a yogurt 70 cal and I was planning on having another low (<200cal) snack in a bit just to keep up my metabolism. I've tried being 'healthy'... or at least thats what I thought I was doing. I was eating 800-1200 calories a day and trying to get myself to work out every other day. I became bored, I wanted the feeling of hunger.
That dizzying feeling that puts the faintest smile on your face because that's all you have energy for. The rumble and churning inside you that signifies change. Hunger is my drug. I haven't purged at all today and I'm happy about that. But I talked to my grandfather about Christmas and he told me, 'You can't just eat vegetables for dinner again!'...
I fear that this is my end. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade about school. I don't know how I will explain myself. I've failed, again. Just as I fail at everything. I am far too easily discouraged, far too easily unmotivated, far too worthless to amount to anything. I fear that something will happen when my family finds out, and how I've wondered for so long if they have all known... I'm afraid they'll send me away...
love always,
loveylou
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Skeleton
I don't make sense of the decisions I make anymore. Nothing makes sense, my world is in chaos. I just want to see J and have him hold me. I have holiday parties lining up and it makes me so nervous. I'm so many different people when I'm with my friends, which ones do I bring J to? How do I act? What will he say about me? About my friends? So much drinking, so much food. I need to be better than I have been. I have to be.
Yesterday I got a call from my old coworker Riley who asked me to help him plan a reunion party over the break for the old staff from The Crossing. I agreed, but reluctantly. Most of the people that will be there I would enjoy seeing, briefly, but there are a few that still hold grudges....
Just before I went to Italy I was working to save money as a waitress at The Crossing. There was a manager there named James, who got along with me quite well. We became friends and his ex, Natalie, who worked with us, went ballistic. She was extremely protective of him, they had been dating for years on and off, and had been broken up for months by the time anything had even the possibility of happening between him and I. Anyways, knowing full well that she would have no reason to be upset if he started dating me, she tried to befriend me. This girl was like the 'Queen' of The Crossing. You know how each place has one? Ya, and she was clinically psychotic. When rumours started going around, despite them being un true, she approached me and threatened to get me fired. Even though it was not against co policy to have a relationship with a superior, as she fully well knows having dated him, her manager, for years! Even though nothing had ever happened between him and I. She told me she'd turn everyone against me, and that I didn't know who I was messing with. I told James and he told me he'd handle it. I went away on vacation for 2 weeks, and tried not to think about it. When I returned to work, I'm told that they are not only back together, but that she is pregnant with (so she claims) his baby. They are now engaged, and living together with their 1 1/2 year old baby daughter, and everyone thinks I am a homewrecker...
Normally I'd try and take the high road, leave it in the past, and that is my full intention. But I'm a little bit intimidated by this girl and I know she loves that. What I hate is how everyone there knew how crazy this girl was, and would even talk openly about how awful she was, but as soon as she spread one bad seed about me, everyone believed it so easily. Despite how hard I'd worked there, and how caring I'd been to people I considered my friends. I would bake cakes for every persons birthday and I even made a few care packages together when people were moving apartments. I'd love to bring J to the party to show him off a little, but I don't want him tainted in anyway by this scene. The one card I have is my never-had-a-baby-body that I can starve into perfection...
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Seven Devils All Around Me
Things haven't been okay since I last updated. Purging has gotten out of control, all I seem to want to do is binge. My throat is so sore and burning, I lost count of how many times I made myself throw up yesterday. I wake up in the morning with battery acid burning my mouth as it presses up and into my esophagus. My hand is cramped and it hurts to bend my fingers. My knees are bruised. My head is pounding. There was so much that I wanted to eat, I even started the day off so well. I grabbed the vanilla cupcakes, giant chocolate muffins, mini hedgehogs, and french fries, ripped them up with my hands and flushed them down the toilet. Then licked off the remnants from my fingers while staring at the stranger in a mirror. She was an animal.
I know if I restrict or fast for the rest of the week I can get back to at least 125. I hate how every time I get down this low, something switches in my brain and all I do is eat. I'm sick of it. I'm taking back control. Part of the reason I think I've gotten so out of control is I've stopped using my ED as a coping mechanism. Every other part of my life right now is up in the air. I haven't told anyone I'm not going to be in University next semester, I don't even know if I will. I definitely can't tell J. I think he might propose for Christmas. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm still talking to Ryan. We have such open conversations with each other and it feels nice to have someone to not lie to. Which again, is up to me, I can choose to come clean, but I let my substantial fear stand in my way. It's like I focus all of my disciplined energy into one sole entity and leave nothing for other aspects of my life. But once my ed is out of control... look out. When I'm binging, which lasts in cycles of 3 days, my room is a mess, I don't bathe, there are plates and plates of left over food scattered and I really don't care. Nothing else matters. Food is my drug and I am a lowly addict.
I'm very lonely. Even though I have a loving boyfriend, he works a very stressful job and has been going in 6 days a week for various different reasons over the last month and a half. Maybe I should be proud that I have someone who is so diligent and determined but instead all I worry about is how close he is to turning into my father. I try to compartmentalize it, I know J is not my father, that they are different people. But what happened to the man who laughed and told me, 'Fuck, I am never working 6 days a week, Fuck that!" He works hard enough as it is and it completely effects his behaviour and personality when he is with me. I just want to feel like a priority, enough so that he can put his work phone down on the 1 day off he gets to spend time with me. I feel a little bit neglected. I brought it up to him, we'll see how things go.
J's Christmas Party went well. I wined and chatted and smiled when I was supposed to, and ate half my dinner so as not to rise suspicion. J even told me that a few of his co-workers asked him where he's been hiding me, and told him that I am a keeper! :) Gave myself a little pat on the back for that one! And I promised you all progress pictures of me in my outfit for the party... I took a couple quick shots before I left, thinking that I could get better ones later in the evening but none were taken so here they are...
I know if I restrict or fast for the rest of the week I can get back to at least 125. I hate how every time I get down this low, something switches in my brain and all I do is eat. I'm sick of it. I'm taking back control. Part of the reason I think I've gotten so out of control is I've stopped using my ED as a coping mechanism. Every other part of my life right now is up in the air. I haven't told anyone I'm not going to be in University next semester, I don't even know if I will. I definitely can't tell J. I think he might propose for Christmas. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm still talking to Ryan. We have such open conversations with each other and it feels nice to have someone to not lie to. Which again, is up to me, I can choose to come clean, but I let my substantial fear stand in my way. It's like I focus all of my disciplined energy into one sole entity and leave nothing for other aspects of my life. But once my ed is out of control... look out. When I'm binging, which lasts in cycles of 3 days, my room is a mess, I don't bathe, there are plates and plates of left over food scattered and I really don't care. Nothing else matters. Food is my drug and I am a lowly addict.
I'm very lonely. Even though I have a loving boyfriend, he works a very stressful job and has been going in 6 days a week for various different reasons over the last month and a half. Maybe I should be proud that I have someone who is so diligent and determined but instead all I worry about is how close he is to turning into my father. I try to compartmentalize it, I know J is not my father, that they are different people. But what happened to the man who laughed and told me, 'Fuck, I am never working 6 days a week, Fuck that!" He works hard enough as it is and it completely effects his behaviour and personality when he is with me. I just want to feel like a priority, enough so that he can put his work phone down on the 1 day off he gets to spend time with me. I feel a little bit neglected. I brought it up to him, we'll see how things go.
J's Christmas Party went well. I wined and chatted and smiled when I was supposed to, and ate half my dinner so as not to rise suspicion. J even told me that a few of his co-workers asked him where he's been hiding me, and told him that I am a keeper! :) Gave myself a little pat on the back for that one! And I promised you all progress pictures of me in my outfit for the party... I took a couple quick shots before I left, thinking that I could get better ones later in the evening but none were taken so here they are...
love always,
xoxo
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The Liebster Blog Award
I have been nominated for The Liebster Blog Award by Lila so thank you very much!! My first award! It means the world to be recognized and thought of even for a minute.
All of you lovelies out there inspire me daily, so thank you.
The Rules.
In your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them.
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them.
Loveylou
I am 21 years old, but sometimes I swear I'm 17 still.
I used to be a competitive ballerina and contemporary dancer.
I used to be a competitive ballerina and contemporary dancer.
When I was 16, I was diagnosed with a spontaneous auto-immune disease which caused a permanent heart condition, and I was forced to quite dance. I haven't been able to go back since.
It is my dream to see the entire world. As much of it as I possibly can squeeze into one lifetime.
When I'm with my true friends, I'm not the beauty queen people assume I am, I'm an absolute goofy mess and I don't care about a damn thing; I love to make people laugh.
I've always had a considerable number of close guy friends.
I'm a bit of a hippie, I think I would have fit in well during the 70's, the political protests, pot and peace... I think I would have loved it! (except bell bottom high-waisted pants, seriously)
When I'm with my true friends, I'm not the beauty queen people assume I am, I'm an absolute goofy mess and I don't care about a damn thing; I love to make people laugh.
I've always had a considerable number of close guy friends.
I'm a bit of a hippie, I think I would have fit in well during the 70's, the political protests, pot and peace... I think I would have loved it! (except bell bottom high-waisted pants, seriously)
I want to have lived multiple lives, I want adventure, safety, comfort, recklessness, passion, heart break, love, and anguish. I never think happiness is worth much unless it is tortured.
My favourite colour is a really dark purple.
I am a complete and total people pleaser.
I love country music.
My favourite colour is a really dark purple.
I am a complete and total people pleaser.
I love country music.
Questions from the lovely Lila
1. What is your dream job?
I've never felt that I really had much say in my future, I've always felt it was decided for me long ago, for no real reason at all. My dream job would be to take over my family business from my grandfather importing wine internationally to high end restaurants. Lots of travel, making connections and a bit of schoomzing ;)
2. If you could switch with any person for a day who would it be and why?
Marilyn Monroe. Such a sex symbol, a complete bombshell who didn't give a fuck what anyone thought. She was completely confident with her body, at a size 14. A size I myself have been once before I wanted to kill myself. I'd love to know what it feels like to love yourself and be wanted and desired no matter what.
Marilyn Monroe. Such a sex symbol, a complete bombshell who didn't give a fuck what anyone thought. She was completely confident with her body, at a size 14. A size I myself have been once before I wanted to kill myself. I'd love to know what it feels like to love yourself and be wanted and desired no matter what.
3. Do you have siblings and have you ever been jealous of them for any reason?
Yes, one younger sister. I used to think my parents loved her more than me. Now I guess I'm jealous of the relationship she has with my father. I know if I took steps I could have one with him, but I will never be comfortable in his presence, and for that I envy her ignorance.
Yes, one younger sister. I used to think my parents loved her more than me. Now I guess I'm jealous of the relationship she has with my father. I know if I took steps I could have one with him, but I will never be comfortable in his presence, and for that I envy her ignorance.
4. If you could choose anywhere.. where would you live?
Somewhere beautiful, near the Ocean, close enough to hear the waves. Far enough away to feel safe, close enough to a busy city to not feel trapped. In a hand-made house with a man who loves me unconditionally.
Somewhere beautiful, near the Ocean, close enough to hear the waves. Far enough away to feel safe, close enough to a busy city to not feel trapped. In a hand-made house with a man who loves me unconditionally.
5. What is your fav pass time hobby?
Getting high, making a playlist and painting by candlelight in the middle of the day while it's dark and rainy outside.
Getting high, making a playlist and painting by candlelight in the middle of the day while it's dark and rainy outside.
6. Have you ever been in love.. how many times?
I've thought I've been in love with many different people and at many different times. It's caused me to truly doubt my self judgement so I don't know how to answer this. I am in love with my boyfriend J, and I think he could be the one.
I've thought I've been in love with many different people and at many different times. It's caused me to truly doubt my self judgement so I don't know how to answer this. I am in love with my boyfriend J, and I think he could be the one.
7. If you had to get a tattoo this second.. what would it be and why?
I have two tattoos already. My favourite, and first, is a bird flying on my hip. It means a lot to me. As a child I used to blow out my birthday candles and wish I was a bird, so I could fly anywhere I wanted, whenever I wanted to. The ultimate freedom. I don't want to get any more tattoos.
I have two tattoos already. My favourite, and first, is a bird flying on my hip. It means a lot to me. As a child I used to blow out my birthday candles and wish I was a bird, so I could fly anywhere I wanted, whenever I wanted to. The ultimate freedom. I don't want to get any more tattoos.
8. Have you ever had a surgery? (cosmetic or emergency)
I've had my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was a teenager. During a screening of my blood work pre-surgery, was when my auto-immune disease was discovered. I was told that if I went under the anesthesia and my thyroid was to have a storm, which happens 4-5 times daily, my heart could have stopped.
I've had my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was a teenager. During a screening of my blood work pre-surgery, was when my auto-immune disease was discovered. I was told that if I went under the anesthesia and my thyroid was to have a storm, which happens 4-5 times daily, my heart could have stopped.
9. Whats your greatest childhood fear( any answers about weight dont count)
That I would make my dad angry.
That I would make my dad angry.
10. Do you have a favorite relitive? if yes why are they your fav?
My Nonno. He is absolutely amazing. He was trained as a shoe maker in Italy, and only went to school until grade 3. He went on to build a family empire of sorts, one international sports business which he passed down to my father and uncle. He now imports wine under his own label, and distributes all over the country. He is the most generous, kind-hearted, strong willed, stubborn, and loving man I have ever known.
My Nonno. He is absolutely amazing. He was trained as a shoe maker in Italy, and only went to school until grade 3. He went on to build a family empire of sorts, one international sports business which he passed down to my father and uncle. He now imports wine under his own label, and distributes all over the country. He is the most generous, kind-hearted, strong willed, stubborn, and loving man I have ever known.
11. If you could meet in person any of your blogger followers or blogger mates that u share with.. would you?
Yes, I would.
My Questions
1. What do you love most about yourself?
2. Describe a memory that makes you proud
3. If you could change one moment in your life, that you think would be pivotal, and could change the course of your entire life, would you? What moment would you change, what would be different?
4. What would you do if your family and friends found out about your eating disorder and/or blog?
5. If you could be anyone, who would you be and why?
6. What is your relationship with your parents like?
7. What's your favourite 'safe food'?
8. What are you doing when you feel the most happy and joyful?
9. If you could be any animal what would you be?
10. What is your favourite fashion statement or 'look'?
11. If you could make one wish, what would you wish for? (can't be body related in any way)
For the nominee's...
(I know you're on hiatus but I've got my fingers crossed that you'll come back!!)
Monday, November 26, 2012
Ryan - P IV
Playing with Fire
"I remember the first time I eye balled you in class. You were wearing the tightest black jeans and I thought 'Shit... she's got a nice ass... and look at those hips, she must be a dancer"
"Guess that makes you pretty smart then"
"No, not really. I didn't say that, just the ass part; that's true."
"I remember being attracted to you in class, and that same day we got put in the same group and you introduced yourself. You were wearing this incredibly cozy looking sweater and I wanted to sink into you"
"You should have"
"I can be shy"
"That's hard to believe"
"I'm full of surprises"
"I wanted to ask you to study with me, but I wasn't really in the mood to be rejected..."
"Would have avoided the mess and confusion of going down town"
"Was that night confusing for you?"
"Of course not. We had a strong chemistry, you invited me out, and winked at me... When we were at the club I put 2 and 2 together and saw you with her and had doubts, but gave you my number anyways. Then I never heard from you. The message was loud and clear"
"You looked so good that night... I remember locking eyes with you through 50 people and I thought to myself 'Watch out Ryan... You're playing with Fire' "
"I know the feeling."
"I'm not sure if what I'm afraid of is that something will happen between us, or I'll get caught, or I'll like it too much... I just don't know. There is definitely fire between us... I haven't even had coffee with you and I already feel like I'm almost too deep... but I like it... maybe a little too much..."
"Ultimately, I can't let anything happen"
"Love, I promise you, I will never push you to do anything. I cannot make that decision for you. I will flirt with you all night long until the cows come home, I will buy you coffee and indulge in illustrious conversation and massage your body until you tell me to Stop. But I will never push for sex. "
"You have me in the palm of your hand... just don't fuck me over. "
"My heart is strong, and I will never pull any fast ones with your heart."
"I can handle getting close, and being close to you, if you can."
" I will not fuck you..."
"... unless you ask me to."
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Fuck
Two nights in a row now I've crept into the kitchen for fucking food. I am nothing but a fucking waste of space. An enormous handful of almonds, and a 35 cal yogurt.. I am fucking hopeless. The last thing I want to do tonight is go to this fucking party and just eat normally whatever someone else decided I should eat. Pasta of all things!!!
THIS IS FUCKING SO STUPID I COULD RIP SOMEONES HEAD OFF
I was going to eat breakfast but I can't work out when my mother is home so now I don't need to eat at all. Nothing until this stupid fucking pasta dinner I'm crying as a type this out I really don't want to eat it.
Plus last night I had a dream my parents got back together, and all of my anger is now focused on trying to not rip my mother to shreds in real life.
I don't know if I can do this anymore.
THIS IS FUCKING SO STUPID I COULD RIP SOMEONES HEAD OFF
I was going to eat breakfast but I can't work out when my mother is home so now I don't need to eat at all. Nothing until this stupid fucking pasta dinner I'm crying as a type this out I really don't want to eat it.
Plus last night I had a dream my parents got back together, and all of my anger is now focused on trying to not rip my mother to shreds in real life.
I don't know if I can do this anymore.
Friday, November 23, 2012
125
125 with a BMI of 20.4 and all I can think about is getting down to 120. God how glorious life would be at 120... Today I've booked myself a facial which I'm really looking forward to, I've got to leave for it pretty soon actually. Tomorrow is the big party and I want to look my absolute best. Today will be dedicated to pampering. Unfortunately, that again, puts off my work out for a few more days. Unless I find the will to wake up early and do some quick cardio tomorrow morning, get my blood pumping for a glowing complexion and upbeat energy, yes I think I will try.
Last night after all my food (- 1/2 protein shake I tried to save for later but ended up icky) I got stoned and toasted edamame beans in olive oil and sea salt, and also ate a few thin slices of cheddar cheese. I fucking suck. Guess that's why I'm up a few ounces from yesterday, just what a piece of shit like me deserves. Already today I've had oatmeal with blueberries, yogurt and almonds so 285calories. I'm feeling like a failure. I wasn't planning on the almonds or yogurt but it is what it is. To make up for it I'm not going to eat lunch. Dinner will be baked tofu (120) with broccoli (40) shiritaki noodles (40) carrot (35) snap peas (30) in garlic soy sauce. That will make my total today 600 Calories. That will be it, I deserve to feel hungry. I'm running low on pot so a starving high coupled with a caffeine overload is the best I can do.
Tomorrow at the party we will be having a sit down dinner with all of J's bosses. The dinner is a preset menu and being a vegetarian, J chose the only dinner without meat: a fucking mediterranean pasta dish. The restaurant is small and not a chain so I can't find any nutritional information, I'm praying it's not in some sort of a cream sauce so I can eat around the pasta and just have the veggies. It's giving me serious anxiety.
Last night after all my food (- 1/2 protein shake I tried to save for later but ended up icky) I got stoned and toasted edamame beans in olive oil and sea salt, and also ate a few thin slices of cheddar cheese. I fucking suck. Guess that's why I'm up a few ounces from yesterday, just what a piece of shit like me deserves. Already today I've had oatmeal with blueberries, yogurt and almonds so 285calories. I'm feeling like a failure. I wasn't planning on the almonds or yogurt but it is what it is. To make up for it I'm not going to eat lunch. Dinner will be baked tofu (120) with broccoli (40) shiritaki noodles (40) carrot (35) snap peas (30) in garlic soy sauce. That will make my total today 600 Calories. That will be it, I deserve to feel hungry. I'm running low on pot so a starving high coupled with a caffeine overload is the best I can do.
Tomorrow at the party we will be having a sit down dinner with all of J's bosses. The dinner is a preset menu and being a vegetarian, J chose the only dinner without meat: a fucking mediterranean pasta dish. The restaurant is small and not a chain so I can't find any nutritional information, I'm praying it's not in some sort of a cream sauce so I can eat around the pasta and just have the veggies. It's giving me serious anxiety.
love you all,
xoxo
Don't stop now...
Thank you all for your lovely comments on my previous post and hideous picture!!
English Rose I can't read your blog for some reason now! :(
I think it's time to set up a few concrete goals.
CW: 124.4
GW1: 120
GW2: 114 (officially underweight!)
FGW: 110
It seems completely manageable, I know once I dip down to 120 those last 10 pounds are going to just creep off of me and really not want to come off but I'll work my ass off to get there!
Yesterday Intake:
Breakfast:
Spinach and Feta Omelette
200 Cal
15g Fat
27g Protein
Cardio: 300
Lunch/ Dinner:
(post workout)
Veggie Pasta Salad
w/ peas, spinach, tomato, pepper
550 Cal
13g Fat
18g Protein
Late Snack:
Pomegranate
100 Cal
Yogurt
35 Cal
Total:
685 Cal
Net Intake:
385 Cal
Not awful, I hate seeing that 550 Cal right there, it was so good though and filled me up after I worked out and took me over an hour and a half to finish. My mom is home from work with the flu so I can't weigh myself yet.
Here's what today will look like
Breakfast:
Scrambled eggs w/ light cheese & onion
175 Cal
5g Fat
27g Protein
Cardio: 300
Lunch:
(post workout)
Strawberry Banana Peach Protein Shake
300 Cal
4g Fat
27g Protein
Dinner:
Brown rice with edamame, broccoli, snap peas in spicy soy sauce
300 Cal
5g Fat
8g Protein
Total Intake:
775 Cal
Net Intake:
475
I'm in debate about swapping lunch <-> dinner, the carbs in the rice will be better digest post work out, but I need the protein for my muscles afterwards. It will depend on what I'm in the mood for but I think things should stay where they are.
Hoping to be down to 123 tomorrow and then to complete this week's goal and get down to 122 for J's party on Saturday! I just finished picking out my out fit so pics will come soon!
EDIT: ughhh my mom is home with the flu, which means I can't work out because the machine is literally right outside her bedroom door... boo :( I'll do crunches instead, at least it's something.
I tried on the outfit for Saturday and it looks fantastic! (If I do say so myself, and I look especially tiny in it... I'm pretty insecure about how my thighs will look but that's just more inspiration to get on my elliptical and tone em till they are nice and tight!
Hope you all had a wonderful hunger-filled day :)
English Rose I can't read your blog for some reason now! :(
I think it's time to set up a few concrete goals.
CW: 124.4
GW1: 120
GW2: 114 (officially underweight!)
FGW: 110
It seems completely manageable, I know once I dip down to 120 those last 10 pounds are going to just creep off of me and really not want to come off but I'll work my ass off to get there!
Yesterday Intake:
Breakfast:
Spinach and Feta Omelette
200 Cal
15g Fat
27g Protein
Cardio: 300
Lunch/ Dinner:
(post workout)
Veggie Pasta Salad
w/ peas, spinach, tomato, pepper
550 Cal
13g Fat
18g Protein
Late Snack:
Pomegranate
100 Cal
Yogurt
35 Cal
Total:
685 Cal
Net Intake:
385 Cal
Not awful, I hate seeing that 550 Cal right there, it was so good though and filled me up after I worked out and took me over an hour and a half to finish. My mom is home from work with the flu so I can't weigh myself yet.
Here's what today will look like
Breakfast:
Scrambled eggs w/ light cheese & onion
175 Cal
5g Fat
27g Protein
Cardio: 300
Lunch:
(post workout)
Strawberry Banana Peach Protein Shake
300 Cal
4g Fat
27g Protein
Dinner:
Brown rice with edamame, broccoli, snap peas in spicy soy sauce
300 Cal
5g Fat
8g Protein
Total Intake:
775 Cal
Net Intake:
475
I'm in debate about swapping lunch <-> dinner, the carbs in the rice will be better digest post work out, but I need the protein for my muscles afterwards. It will depend on what I'm in the mood for but I think things should stay where they are.
Hoping to be down to 123 tomorrow and then to complete this week's goal and get down to 122 for J's party on Saturday! I just finished picking out my out fit so pics will come soon!
EDIT: ughhh my mom is home with the flu, which means I can't work out because the machine is literally right outside her bedroom door... boo :( I'll do crunches instead, at least it's something.
I tried on the outfit for Saturday and it looks fantastic! (If I do say so myself, and I look especially tiny in it... I'm pretty insecure about how my thighs will look but that's just more inspiration to get on my elliptical and tone em till they are nice and tight!
Hope you all had a wonderful hunger-filled day :)
love always,
xoxo
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
124.4 + Progress Pics
Yes, you read that correctly girlies! Down a pound from yesterdays 125.4, despite my plan going slightly awry. I had a strawberry banana protein shake which took me over 3 hours to finish 270 Cal, then a giant spinach salad with yellow pepper, cherry tomatoes, onion, 1/2 pomegranate, celery, snap peas, spinach, feta and almonds. It wasn't supposed to include nuts or pomegranate or be that large in size but it totalled 350 Cal. My family then wanted to order in dinner so I got some Dragon Bowl mess thing with tofu, subbed cabbage & goat cheese for the rice and have no idea what that totals to. I've scoured all online for the nutritional info and all I can come up with is 350 Cal just for the goat cheese & cabbage ALONE, fuck. Then I had 2 bowls of fat free chocolate frozen yogurt at 90 Cals per 1/2 cup. Not awful but certainly not necessary... Either way it translates to a loss so whats done is done.
Last night I was seriously close to a binge though, I just wanted something naughty and salty and cheesy. I pulled out roasted potatoes my mom made the day before, and the cheddar cheese, planning to make a gooey melt to binge on. I put the potatoes in a bowl to microwave and told myself, "This is fucking stupid." I knew how upset I was going to be if I ate them. So I put them back. Cut off a few thin slices of cheese and went to bed. An hour or so later, I pulled out the nacho chips, placed them ever so carefully on a plate, grated the cheese, microwaved, added another layer, and watched as it revolved in circles to a meltedy gooey heaven. As I walk upstairs to my room to gorge I pass by my bathroom and before I even knew what I was doing I threw the whole mess into the toilet. "It was going to end up there anyways, one way or another. Might as well save myself the harm" Whewf that was a close one!
Last night I was seriously close to a binge though, I just wanted something naughty and salty and cheesy. I pulled out roasted potatoes my mom made the day before, and the cheddar cheese, planning to make a gooey melt to binge on. I put the potatoes in a bowl to microwave and told myself, "This is fucking stupid." I knew how upset I was going to be if I ate them. So I put them back. Cut off a few thin slices of cheese and went to bed. An hour or so later, I pulled out the nacho chips, placed them ever so carefully on a plate, grated the cheese, microwaved, added another layer, and watched as it revolved in circles to a meltedy gooey heaven. As I walk upstairs to my room to gorge I pass by my bathroom and before I even knew what I was doing I threw the whole mess into the toilet. "It was going to end up there anyways, one way or another. Might as well save myself the harm" Whewf that was a close one!
Fuck there is so much fat... My stomach needs a fucking substantial amount of work, pudge from the side, fat around my hips and layered on top of my belly... looking at it just makes me want to vomit, don't even get me started on my thunder thighs or my flabby arms. I can't look at these anymore.
love always,
xoxo
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
19th
Last night I had a panic attack when I was trying to go to sleep at J's house. Sometimes he says things and I take them really personal and twist them in my head and he doesn't realize how what he's saying sounds.. I don't remember what started it but I brought it to his attention and it wasn't the first time we've had his discussion. He always jumps ahead and says that he must be this awful person and I can see how much it hurts him to know that sometimes he hurts me. When I was having chest pains and couldn't breathe I told him I was scared and he didn't respond; just froze. Then he got up to get some chapstick after a few minutes, and when he looked at me I was in shock... I really needed him. He came back to bed and I burst into tears telling him that I need his support, that when he ignores me after I tell him how I feel it makes me feel so insignificant, I asked him if I was really that unimportant and he covered me with himself and said, "Oh my god, no I love you so much baby, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I love you so so much" and his voice was cracking like he was tearing up. It broke my heart.
I didn't deserve to eat today but I did.
3/4 cup egg beaters w/ light cheese and onion
150 Cal
3.5g Fat
22g Protein
2 Source Yogurts
70 Cal
0g Fat
4g Protein
1 Pomegranate
105 Cal
0g Fat
1.5g Protein
1 1/2 cup healthy harvest pasta
1 Floret Broccoli
1/2 cup spinach
2 Tbl Parmesan cheese
400 Cal
7g Fat
20.5g Protein
1/2 small Watermelon
140 Cal
0g Fat
2g Protein
Total:
865 Cal
10.5g Fat
46g Protein
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Weekend Fun
Last night was so much fun guys!! I'm so glad I decided to get out and not be a party pooper lol. The Hoe-Down was done up in style, with hay bales set up all over the house, and saddles with props and empty picture frames for a photobooth, and a tattoo wheel that chose what body part you had to get a fake tattoo on, trivia games, horse betting and more! Tina did an amazing job setting it all up. Me and my friends tended bar, which I was happy to do given my experience. It made me really miss working at a bar it was so much fun.
I did give in and drink in the end. I stuck with tequila, considering it was the theme of the night, one of my favourite shots, and I know it acts as a laxative and will just flush everything out of me. Like it has already done this morning. Yesterday all I ate was my protein shake 225 cal, a salad with cherry tomatoes, cucumber, red pepper and parmesan cheese 150 cal, and 1/2 cup of fat free cottage cheese with hot sauce and half a red pepper, 100 cal - but I couldn't finish all the cottage cheese, ate a little more than half but if I include the whole thing that makes my net intake 475 cal!!! Even with 7 shots of tequila in me I stayed strong and didn't eat a thing. My mom, who is best friends with Tina's mom, did come by and push pretty hard to get me to eat a piece of bread with some cheese. I declined and said I'd grab something later. She gave my friend G, Tina's boyfriend, kinda shifty eyes when I declined, and it just adds to my paranoia that everyone knows the jig is up. That my friends and family are aware of my ED but instead of confronting me to fight it, they are simply trying to live within the scope of it and try their best to support and encourage me to eat. I notice small things like when I'm making food my mom will talk non stop to try and distract me from what I'm doing, and she usually insists that I sit down to eat even though I prefer to stand and mull about in the kitchen, and while I'm eating her and my sister make a habit of complimenting me, either on how creative my dish is and how I'm a great cook, or that my hair looks really nice or something, nothing body related... Nothing I can do about it but ignore it.
Today I'm going to visit my Nonna (grandma) who got out of the hospital a few weeks ago and I have yet to see for the last few months. Then I'm going to J's house until monday evening. My plan is to have some scrambled eggs with light laughing cow cheese and onion 175 cal and then make my protein shake 225 cal to take with me to my grandparents and have that before I get to J's. Then I've prepared a quinoa dinner for J and I with tomatoes, cucumber, and baked tofu in a tarragon lemon zest sauce thats very low cal (less than 200 Cal per serving) And that will be all.
I did give in and drink in the end. I stuck with tequila, considering it was the theme of the night, one of my favourite shots, and I know it acts as a laxative and will just flush everything out of me. Like it has already done this morning. Yesterday all I ate was my protein shake 225 cal, a salad with cherry tomatoes, cucumber, red pepper and parmesan cheese 150 cal, and 1/2 cup of fat free cottage cheese with hot sauce and half a red pepper, 100 cal - but I couldn't finish all the cottage cheese, ate a little more than half but if I include the whole thing that makes my net intake 475 cal!!! Even with 7 shots of tequila in me I stayed strong and didn't eat a thing. My mom, who is best friends with Tina's mom, did come by and push pretty hard to get me to eat a piece of bread with some cheese. I declined and said I'd grab something later. She gave my friend G, Tina's boyfriend, kinda shifty eyes when I declined, and it just adds to my paranoia that everyone knows the jig is up. That my friends and family are aware of my ED but instead of confronting me to fight it, they are simply trying to live within the scope of it and try their best to support and encourage me to eat. I notice small things like when I'm making food my mom will talk non stop to try and distract me from what I'm doing, and she usually insists that I sit down to eat even though I prefer to stand and mull about in the kitchen, and while I'm eating her and my sister make a habit of complimenting me, either on how creative my dish is and how I'm a great cook, or that my hair looks really nice or something, nothing body related... Nothing I can do about it but ignore it.
Today I'm going to visit my Nonna (grandma) who got out of the hospital a few weeks ago and I have yet to see for the last few months. Then I'm going to J's house until monday evening. My plan is to have some scrambled eggs with light laughing cow cheese and onion 175 cal and then make my protein shake 225 cal to take with me to my grandparents and have that before I get to J's. Then I've prepared a quinoa dinner for J and I with tomatoes, cucumber, and baked tofu in a tarragon lemon zest sauce thats very low cal (less than 200 Cal per serving) And that will be all.
Love Always,
xoxo
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Howdy-Low
I really need to get myself a proper scale, this is driving me mad. I stepped on this morning after a bm and I think I'm 126.4 but that seems impossible. 2.4 more pounds and I'm the weight I was back in May, 4.4 pounds and I'm back to the lowest I've been... I can hardly wait!!
Yesterday I made a salad with lettuce, yellow and red pepper, cucumber and a tofu chick'n patty for a total of 150 Cal, 4g Fat, 13g Protein because I needed some protein and added veggies to fill me up so a salad seemed like a fair option. Today I have no plan. I want to make my protein smoothie but we've only got a banana and no berries or other fruit really to put in it. I put orange juice in it once and it tasted like an Orange julius.. but that's at 120 Cal per cup and is way to high. I'm already letting myself have sips of oj when I need to take my pills or cough syrup and not really counting them. Instead I've put cinnamon (metabolism booster) and a bit of nutmeg with my almond milk and a very ripe banana + protein powder and it is absolutely delicious, tastes like banana pie, and only 225 Cal.
Tonight I'm going to my best friend Tina's mother's 50th birthday party which is a Hoe-Down, and I'm going back and forth in my head about going or not. I am feeling well enough to go, I just don't know how long I'll last. I finally got a good nights sleep last night, and slept through the entire night without waking up once. Which is the first time that's happened in almost a year. I had a few spoon-fulls of cough syrup, 2 night time cold pills and I hit the bong a few times so that makes sense. But it worked. I'm still exhausted but I feel human again. My cold has gone from suppressed to phlegmy over night though. I feel bad because I was supposed to help Tina set up, I already made a 5 hour long playlist for the evening since I'm the only once in our circle really who listens to country music, but I just don't have the energy and I'd rather go to enjoy the party. I'm excited to see her and a few of my other girlfriends who will be coming, but these large crowds make my anxiety grow... There's going to be so much food there and so much booze... obviously I can't drink and the flu I've got will make for a great excuse to get out of eating.. I just worry that when people see how skinny I have gotten now they will try and feed me and the fact that I have the flu will just give momentum to that. "You need nourishment to fight off your infection, here eat this fat fat fat!" Ugh. But I will stay strong.
If I can keep this up, I'm hoping to be at 126 tomorrow, thats a 0.4 loss which could definitely be real, and then if I go to J's for the weekend till Monday then I'm hoping I can be around 122 by Tuesday. When I'm with J, I barely eat. He only really eats 2 meals a day but they are always either fast food or something calorie-drenched. So it's only 2 occasions I need to get out of eating, one of each daily meals at least I will cook, so I can control that, most of the time I actually prepare all of our meals but we will go out once or twice and being vegetarian usually limits my options so I stick to just veggies. I need to make sure to keep my protein content high enough when I'm with him though, but it's hard because he's more of a steak n potatoes kinda guy so my only options are really nuts or cheese. Both high in fat, neither a good option. I'll usually have some almonds if I'm desperate, at least it's healthy fats but still. I need some good things I can bring to his place that I can have on me for protein.. any suggestions? If I don't get enough protein then when I come home from the weekend and hit the bong for the first time in days, I can't control myself. I gorge out and it usually starts a binge fest, which lasts for days with me. I can never just stop at one binge. I keep going and going I hate it. I purge most of it up so I don't put on immediate weight, just stretch my stomach out all gross and flabby.. so I think I can get away with eating more, stupid stupid girl. No more of that.
Next weekend is J's company's christmas party and I want to look particularly skinny for that! I want his coworkers to tell him how hot his girlfriend is the next day at work. I want them to pat him on the back and give him a wink and tell him he's a lucky guy and kiss the back of my hand. Oh I get chills just thinking about it! Still not entirely sure what I should wear, but when I decide I'll be sure to post pictures of myself in it as progress pics!
Yesterday I made a salad with lettuce, yellow and red pepper, cucumber and a tofu chick'n patty for a total of 150 Cal, 4g Fat, 13g Protein because I needed some protein and added veggies to fill me up so a salad seemed like a fair option. Today I have no plan. I want to make my protein smoothie but we've only got a banana and no berries or other fruit really to put in it. I put orange juice in it once and it tasted like an Orange julius.. but that's at 120 Cal per cup and is way to high. I'm already letting myself have sips of oj when I need to take my pills or cough syrup and not really counting them. Instead I've put cinnamon (metabolism booster) and a bit of nutmeg with my almond milk and a very ripe banana + protein powder and it is absolutely delicious, tastes like banana pie, and only 225 Cal.
Tonight I'm going to my best friend Tina's mother's 50th birthday party which is a Hoe-Down, and I'm going back and forth in my head about going or not. I am feeling well enough to go, I just don't know how long I'll last. I finally got a good nights sleep last night, and slept through the entire night without waking up once. Which is the first time that's happened in almost a year. I had a few spoon-fulls of cough syrup, 2 night time cold pills and I hit the bong a few times so that makes sense. But it worked. I'm still exhausted but I feel human again. My cold has gone from suppressed to phlegmy over night though. I feel bad because I was supposed to help Tina set up, I already made a 5 hour long playlist for the evening since I'm the only once in our circle really who listens to country music, but I just don't have the energy and I'd rather go to enjoy the party. I'm excited to see her and a few of my other girlfriends who will be coming, but these large crowds make my anxiety grow... There's going to be so much food there and so much booze... obviously I can't drink and the flu I've got will make for a great excuse to get out of eating.. I just worry that when people see how skinny I have gotten now they will try and feed me and the fact that I have the flu will just give momentum to that. "You need nourishment to fight off your infection, here eat this fat fat fat!" Ugh. But I will stay strong.
If I can keep this up, I'm hoping to be at 126 tomorrow, thats a 0.4 loss which could definitely be real, and then if I go to J's for the weekend till Monday then I'm hoping I can be around 122 by Tuesday. When I'm with J, I barely eat. He only really eats 2 meals a day but they are always either fast food or something calorie-drenched. So it's only 2 occasions I need to get out of eating, one of each daily meals at least I will cook, so I can control that, most of the time I actually prepare all of our meals but we will go out once or twice and being vegetarian usually limits my options so I stick to just veggies. I need to make sure to keep my protein content high enough when I'm with him though, but it's hard because he's more of a steak n potatoes kinda guy so my only options are really nuts or cheese. Both high in fat, neither a good option. I'll usually have some almonds if I'm desperate, at least it's healthy fats but still. I need some good things I can bring to his place that I can have on me for protein.. any suggestions? If I don't get enough protein then when I come home from the weekend and hit the bong for the first time in days, I can't control myself. I gorge out and it usually starts a binge fest, which lasts for days with me. I can never just stop at one binge. I keep going and going I hate it. I purge most of it up so I don't put on immediate weight, just stretch my stomach out all gross and flabby.. so I think I can get away with eating more, stupid stupid girl. No more of that.
Next weekend is J's company's christmas party and I want to look particularly skinny for that! I want his coworkers to tell him how hot his girlfriend is the next day at work. I want them to pat him on the back and give him a wink and tell him he's a lucky guy and kiss the back of my hand. Oh I get chills just thinking about it! Still not entirely sure what I should wear, but when I decide I'll be sure to post pictures of myself in it as progress pics!
love always,
xoxo
Sick
I'm still sick with the flu, the fact that I'm barely eating probably isn't helping much. Ryan and I have been texting non stop for days now, but he ditched me today, saying he was too busy. That's the second time now, plus how his girlfriend snatched my number away from him.. it just seems like a sign that I'm supposed to stay away... Even though I'm not doing anything wrong, I feel guilty as hell, and I know that the more time I spend with Ryan, the further I put my relationship with J in jeopardy and that scares me.
Last night J came and picked me up to get some tea and chat. It was nice spending time together but it's hard when you don't see each other all week and then get 45 minutes without kissing or holding hands nothing. We hugged a lot when we said good bye but now I just miss him more. I feel more lonely and I think that's partly why I've been so engaged with Ryan.
I haven't been able to eat much.. yesterday I didn't make the scrambled eggs at all, just had some yogurt and broccoli soup instead which is still low cal but I could have used the protein. This morning I made a blackberry banana smoothie 300 cals but only drank 3/4 of it, and just now I've made a veggie frittata and I could have eaten the entire thing at 200 Cals but I ate almost half of it and flushed the rest down the toilet because I didn't need it. So that makes my total for today around 300 Cals. But I can't for sure say what the rest of my intake fat and protein wise has been since I haven't finished a 'meal' yet. I should probably have a little something later on for nourishment. Nothing sounds good and it's so tempting to not eat a thing...
Last night J came and picked me up to get some tea and chat. It was nice spending time together but it's hard when you don't see each other all week and then get 45 minutes without kissing or holding hands nothing. We hugged a lot when we said good bye but now I just miss him more. I feel more lonely and I think that's partly why I've been so engaged with Ryan.
I haven't been able to eat much.. yesterday I didn't make the scrambled eggs at all, just had some yogurt and broccoli soup instead which is still low cal but I could have used the protein. This morning I made a blackberry banana smoothie 300 cals but only drank 3/4 of it, and just now I've made a veggie frittata and I could have eaten the entire thing at 200 Cals but I ate almost half of it and flushed the rest down the toilet because I didn't need it. So that makes my total for today around 300 Cals. But I can't for sure say what the rest of my intake fat and protein wise has been since I haven't finished a 'meal' yet. I should probably have a little something later on for nourishment. Nothing sounds good and it's so tempting to not eat a thing...
Friday, November 16, 2012
Nov. 14 2012 - Ryan
"You get curiouser and curiouser... I was expecting to hear from you by now..."
"I thought maybe you wanted me to just fuck right off... how are you?"
"I would have specified... I'm good though, and you?"
"Fine thanks, so you're becoming increasingly curious about me then?"
"... I suppose you could put it that way, don't let it get to your head... I can practically hear you smiling all the way over here"
"I have a few meetings over town but can I meet you this evening. I'll bring you whatever you want... or do you live with your bf?"
"No, and tonight isn't good."
"Friday then. Do you need anything?"
"Sure, and I think I'm okay but that's very kind, thank you"
"I hope you feel better. Text me if later if you'd like"
"I thought maybe you wanted me to just fuck right off... how are you?"
"I would have specified... I'm good though, and you?"
"Fine thanks, so you're becoming increasingly curious about me then?"
"... I suppose you could put it that way, don't let it get to your head... I can practically hear you smiling all the way over here"
"I have a few meetings over town but can I meet you this evening. I'll bring you whatever you want... or do you live with your bf?"
"No, and tonight isn't good."
"Friday then. Do you need anything?"
"Sure, and I think I'm okay but that's very kind, thank you"
"I hope you feel better. Text me if later if you'd like"
....
Thursday, November 15, 2012
127 again
Yesterday instead of my salad for dinner I decided on puree'd garlic cauliflower (soo good tastes like mashed potatoes!) because it sounded better and I'm sick. So that brings my total yesterday to 400 Cal (ish) I always round up just to be safe.
Today I'm letting myself have:
Breakfast Smoothie
1 small banana, spinach, ice, almond milk, strawberries, raspberries and protein powder
300 Cal, 4g Fat, 28g Protein.
Scrambled Eggs
1/2 cup egg beaters, 2 light laughing cow cheese, onion
125 Cal, 5g Fat, 14g Protein
Mashed Cauliflower
(half leftover serving)
100 Cal, 0g Fat, 1g Protein
Spinach Salad
1 cup Spinach, 1/2 each red & yellow pepper, and cucumber, with tomatoes, onion, 1/4 FF cup cottage cheese, in olive oil and balsamic vinegar
175 Cal, 6g Fat, 8g Protein
Total:
650 Cal
15g Fat
51g Protein
This is what I am allowing myself to have, but it looks like too much food so I will probably cut one of those out depending on how I feel. The high I'm getting from a mix of the cold pills and pot is just wonderful, I must say. Im floating on top of the world right now...
J is coming over tonight, I really wanted a hug from him yesterday, so he said he'd come over tonight instead after his class for a bit. He really is so good to me. I've clung to him like a life raft, I feel like I can see the end of our road together and if I just squeeze my eyes really tight and hold onto him, it will disappear. We will live happily ever after. I don't know what I'm saying. Stress is getting to me.
I know you're all probably wondering if anything has happened with Ryan... truth is, yes there is more to tell, and I promise I will write a post about it tomorrow if I can. I'm drawn to him somehow, like a moth to a flame.
I'm seeing him tomorrow.
I'm so nervous.
Today I'm letting myself have:
Breakfast Smoothie
1 small banana, spinach, ice, almond milk, strawberries, raspberries and protein powder
300 Cal, 4g Fat, 28g Protein.
Scrambled Eggs
1/2 cup egg beaters, 2 light laughing cow cheese, onion
125 Cal, 5g Fat, 14g Protein
Mashed Cauliflower
(half leftover serving)
100 Cal, 0g Fat, 1g Protein
Spinach Salad
1 cup Spinach, 1/2 each red & yellow pepper, and cucumber, with tomatoes, onion, 1/4 FF cup cottage cheese, in olive oil and balsamic vinegar
175 Cal, 6g Fat, 8g Protein
Total:
650 Cal
15g Fat
51g Protein
This is what I am allowing myself to have, but it looks like too much food so I will probably cut one of those out depending on how I feel. The high I'm getting from a mix of the cold pills and pot is just wonderful, I must say. Im floating on top of the world right now...
J is coming over tonight, I really wanted a hug from him yesterday, so he said he'd come over tonight instead after his class for a bit. He really is so good to me. I've clung to him like a life raft, I feel like I can see the end of our road together and if I just squeeze my eyes really tight and hold onto him, it will disappear. We will live happily ever after. I don't know what I'm saying. Stress is getting to me.
I know you're all probably wondering if anything has happened with Ryan... truth is, yes there is more to tell, and I promise I will write a post about it tomorrow if I can. I'm drawn to him somehow, like a moth to a flame.
I'm seeing him tomorrow.
I'm so nervous.
getting smaller
So my 'broken' scale has been brought back to life, I'm pretty sure it's reading my weight 10 pounds heavier than is true, judging by my size and what I can recall being smaller than I am now, I am currently at about 128 lbs.
Right now I've got the flu, and yesterday I ate pretty well, low cal and healthy to keep up my strength but then binged at night. Fuck. I'm moving past it though and today is a new day and it's been good. I've had my protein shake with a banana, 1/2 cup frozen blueberries, 1 cup of spinach, and protein powder with water. Normally I use almond milk but we're out. So that puts me at 250 cals, 1g Fat, 26g Protein for the day. If I need to, I'll make a spinach salad for dinner with either some cottage cheese or tofu, but that's it for today.
I can fit my hands around my thighs now, not all the way up, but about half way up and my fingers still touch. I can see my ribs when I lift my shirt, more of the bottom ribcage is what I'm after so that I have a sharp waist line. My hip bones are jutting out beautifully, I must say. My arms are still a bit flabby, and I need to tighten up my stomach. My butt is slowly starting to disappear. When I run my hands over my body it no longer feels like my own. It's a stranger, an alien. I don't feel my hands on me instead I feel the body beneath them. It's quite strange.
My stress levels are higher than they have ever been. I count down the days until my life as I know it will be over. Last weekend, J and I drove out of town and went exploring it far away cities. It was quite romantic, and it's something we enjoy doing together. We'll talk about the people there, and what they do... and sometimes we'll talk about the future. THE future. It's something I've day dreamed about since J and I have been together, but we haven't talked much about it together. The ironic thing, is that on the drive out to his house my mother was very upset and wanted to make sure that my education and getting my degree was something that was important to J, and to make sure that I wasn't being swept away by him because he makes good money, and then think that I can depend on him. I promised her that my education and career is just as, if not more important to him, than it is to me. That seemed to put her at ease a bit. But then when J and I went around this town, he really started to get into it. He loved this place, it had a dirt bike track that he could race around in, a manufacturing plant that needed an engineer, cheap homes with fixer-up barns on a dirt road. Middle of fucking nowhere. And believe me, I love to get away from it all, and I would love to live in the suburbs or the outskirts of town, but an hour and a half drive away to the closest big city and everywhere else near you purely farming land is a little too much for this city girl to handle. He got mad when I didn't immediately oblige to agree to be his house wife in this 'hypothetical' situation he had imagined and grown into reality. I threw it back at him and told him, okay well what if I needed to move to Italy for my job (which very well could be a reality if I take over my family business) and he said hands down he would go with me. He could find work there, he would go if that was the only way to be with me. And all of my arguments and defences just crumbled. Lately though, it feels like everyone has just been talking to me about getting married, and having babies and settling down. It's starting to become overwhelming. I need to figure out how I feel about it. I don't feel like it's wrong, just that it's scary.
My sister had decided to start eating healthy again. But I know she is still making herself throw up. Last weekend my mom and I went for a walk and we passed by my sisters open bathroom door and she says 'wow it smells like throw up down here'. I wonder if she's still reading this blog...
I just need to get smaller, just a little big smaller. I put up a new profile picture on facebook that was taken during a professional photo shoot a little while back. I was heavier then but the pic is a close up of my face and it's...captivating. Just like that, all my old guy friends message me wanting to catch up and hang out. It's amazing how predictable men can be. They'll put up with anything as long as you're pretty enough. And that's why I love them dearly. Once I'm tiny, I won't have to deal with this bullshit.
Right now I've got the flu, and yesterday I ate pretty well, low cal and healthy to keep up my strength but then binged at night. Fuck. I'm moving past it though and today is a new day and it's been good. I've had my protein shake with a banana, 1/2 cup frozen blueberries, 1 cup of spinach, and protein powder with water. Normally I use almond milk but we're out. So that puts me at 250 cals, 1g Fat, 26g Protein for the day. If I need to, I'll make a spinach salad for dinner with either some cottage cheese or tofu, but that's it for today.
I can fit my hands around my thighs now, not all the way up, but about half way up and my fingers still touch. I can see my ribs when I lift my shirt, more of the bottom ribcage is what I'm after so that I have a sharp waist line. My hip bones are jutting out beautifully, I must say. My arms are still a bit flabby, and I need to tighten up my stomach. My butt is slowly starting to disappear. When I run my hands over my body it no longer feels like my own. It's a stranger, an alien. I don't feel my hands on me instead I feel the body beneath them. It's quite strange.
My stress levels are higher than they have ever been. I count down the days until my life as I know it will be over. Last weekend, J and I drove out of town and went exploring it far away cities. It was quite romantic, and it's something we enjoy doing together. We'll talk about the people there, and what they do... and sometimes we'll talk about the future. THE future. It's something I've day dreamed about since J and I have been together, but we haven't talked much about it together. The ironic thing, is that on the drive out to his house my mother was very upset and wanted to make sure that my education and getting my degree was something that was important to J, and to make sure that I wasn't being swept away by him because he makes good money, and then think that I can depend on him. I promised her that my education and career is just as, if not more important to him, than it is to me. That seemed to put her at ease a bit. But then when J and I went around this town, he really started to get into it. He loved this place, it had a dirt bike track that he could race around in, a manufacturing plant that needed an engineer, cheap homes with fixer-up barns on a dirt road. Middle of fucking nowhere. And believe me, I love to get away from it all, and I would love to live in the suburbs or the outskirts of town, but an hour and a half drive away to the closest big city and everywhere else near you purely farming land is a little too much for this city girl to handle. He got mad when I didn't immediately oblige to agree to be his house wife in this 'hypothetical' situation he had imagined and grown into reality. I threw it back at him and told him, okay well what if I needed to move to Italy for my job (which very well could be a reality if I take over my family business) and he said hands down he would go with me. He could find work there, he would go if that was the only way to be with me. And all of my arguments and defences just crumbled. Lately though, it feels like everyone has just been talking to me about getting married, and having babies and settling down. It's starting to become overwhelming. I need to figure out how I feel about it. I don't feel like it's wrong, just that it's scary.
My sister had decided to start eating healthy again. But I know she is still making herself throw up. Last weekend my mom and I went for a walk and we passed by my sisters open bathroom door and she says 'wow it smells like throw up down here'. I wonder if she's still reading this blog...
I just need to get smaller, just a little big smaller. I put up a new profile picture on facebook that was taken during a professional photo shoot a little while back. I was heavier then but the pic is a close up of my face and it's...captivating. Just like that, all my old guy friends message me wanting to catch up and hang out. It's amazing how predictable men can be. They'll put up with anything as long as you're pretty enough. And that's why I love them dearly. Once I'm tiny, I won't have to deal with this bullshit.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Nov 7 2012- Ryan
"Hey it's Ryan, from Spring Semester... I got you out to that show..."
I had been wondering what happened to you.
"No doubt, not to mention I never saw you in class after that night...but you're fucking cute and hard to forget. I had to look you up, I hope it's not too weird. Usually not my style but what the hell."
I don't know if you would remember this or not, but when I left the club that night, I said I was meeting up with friends to check out a different bar... That's where I met J, and he's the love of my life, we've been together ever since. So I guess I kind of owe you a thank you; for bringing me out that night...
"That is so good to hear, amazing how such a small detail can really change the entire course of your life. I'm glad you've found love. I hope we can stay in touch and I wish you the best in the future"
You as well, looks like you have already found love however...
"Yes, we are both doing great, branching out... Are you still in the city?"
Yes.
"I would love to take you to coffee"
Hmm.. I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure you out.
"What's to figure out? If my motives are genuine?"
Whatever they are I'm sure they are genuine, and whatever they are I'm sure I can figure you out after one coffee.
"I doubt that but you're welcome to try. I just wanted to see that pretty face of yours again, love. Or we can keep on like this, either way, I will see you eventually"
Anywhere I can get an Americano. I still have my doubts about you, though.
"Coffee is harmless. People don't fuck at coffee shops, that I know of. Offer still stands if you want. I would like to. Still"
Are you just looking for someone to cheat on your girlfriend with?
"No, I want to thank you for coming out that night. I lost your number when my jealous girlfriend took it out of my hand after I gave you a hug goodbye. If she hadn't had done that, believe me, things wouldn't be the same as they are today... You are gorgeous, no denying that, but I'm not here to toil with your emotions or come between you and your man. I just wanted to buy coffee for the girl I was interested in, and who I am pretty sure, was interested in me too. You can't deny our chemistry, I just want to build on that, as friends"
I'm free next week.
"I can't wait to see you."
I had been wondering what happened to you.
"No doubt, not to mention I never saw you in class after that night...but you're fucking cute and hard to forget. I had to look you up, I hope it's not too weird. Usually not my style but what the hell."
I don't know if you would remember this or not, but when I left the club that night, I said I was meeting up with friends to check out a different bar... That's where I met J, and he's the love of my life, we've been together ever since. So I guess I kind of owe you a thank you; for bringing me out that night...
"That is so good to hear, amazing how such a small detail can really change the entire course of your life. I'm glad you've found love. I hope we can stay in touch and I wish you the best in the future"
You as well, looks like you have already found love however...
"Yes, we are both doing great, branching out... Are you still in the city?"
Yes.
"I would love to take you to coffee"
Hmm.. I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure you out.
"What's to figure out? If my motives are genuine?"
Whatever they are I'm sure they are genuine, and whatever they are I'm sure I can figure you out after one coffee.
"I doubt that but you're welcome to try. I just wanted to see that pretty face of yours again, love. Or we can keep on like this, either way, I will see you eventually"
Anywhere I can get an Americano. I still have my doubts about you, though.
"Coffee is harmless. People don't fuck at coffee shops, that I know of. Offer still stands if you want. I would like to. Still"
Are you just looking for someone to cheat on your girlfriend with?
"No, I want to thank you for coming out that night. I lost your number when my jealous girlfriend took it out of my hand after I gave you a hug goodbye. If she hadn't had done that, believe me, things wouldn't be the same as they are today... You are gorgeous, no denying that, but I'm not here to toil with your emotions or come between you and your man. I just wanted to buy coffee for the girl I was interested in, and who I am pretty sure, was interested in me too. You can't deny our chemistry, I just want to build on that, as friends"
I'm free next week.
"I can't wait to see you."
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