Hopefully Future Memories

So I've just spent the afternoon binging and purging 4-5 times.. it's been disgusting so I'm writing all of the scenarios I have in my head of what will happen and what I will be doin once I'm back home and thin.

I'm at Cath's pool, running around the deck in a bikini looking shockingly thin. We're drunk and laughing and everyone is the happiest they have ever been. All my girlfriends are there. There are trays of fruit and food on the patio table. I pick only at the celery and carrots. Someone says that I "would be the only girl to go to ITALY and come back thinner than when she left, how is that possible?" and I will smile and know that all of this was worth it.

I'm walking down Marine drive, past my old restaurant, in Andrew and I's old neighbourhood. I'm with Chloe, and we're screaming and giggling and falling over eachother. Neither of us gives a flying shit whose watching or annoyed, we're just like this when we're together. Across the street I see Andrew. He's standing still staring. The look of resentment, shock, worry, and nostalgia on his face. We make eye contact, and I'm smiling. I walk away before anything else can happen.

I'm walking to the field at the beach where me and my friends always spend our summer days. I've packed diet coke and cigarettes in my bag. I look stunning in my European attire, everyone else looking stupidly 'american' in simple shorts and cheap beaters. I strip my shirt off and quickly realise I'm the skinniest in the group. I smile. I lay out my towel, making a bit of a show of elongating my body for anyone who is watching. I lie on my stomach and watch the way I settle into myself, creating a hollow circle inbetween my hip bones. I'm smiling and laughing and goofing off. Not having a care in the world.

I'm in our usual Sunday club, everyone who's anyone is there. I'm wearing a tight tiny tank top that shows my stomach just in the slightest. I see my old coworkers, who are my old friends. They are surprised to see me. I can't tell if it's fake or real but I know that I look stick thin and if that will be the only thin they will be able to say about me behind my back. I love this. They come towards me with open arms and when we hug they tell me how they can feel all the bones in my back. I laugh it off and tell them that it's all the pasta and pizza. They give me a small look of concern but lust over takes the mens eyes instead.

failure.

Well yesterday was supposed to be my 650 cal day according to SGD, and I binged... like the fat pig that I am. I think I'm going to go back to my old ways... and let myself eat a bit more but only of my safe foods on certain days.
Last night was weird, I purged almost all of it up except for some chocolate and a bit of rice and cheese. I binged on the weirdest stuff. Like I made the tomato soup I eat all the time but put a TON of parmesean cheese in it.. I had some white chocolate (ugh) and cheese. There wasn't anything else in the house to binge on anyways but still I didn't go straight for all the carbs I just wanted protein and sugar. Yea, I ate brown sugar by the SPOONFUL. The things we do...

Well now I am freaking out because tomorrow night I am flying to Barcelona, which means bikini time.
I.
Am.
Freaking.
Out.
But not enough to stop me from wanting to binge today... I've really tried hard to resist.
So far I've had half a cantelope: 80 cals
a banana: 140 cals?
homemade soup: 200 cals

I've found another recipe that I sort of invented.. I just boiled onions in a small amount of water with slices of garlic, salt, red pepper flakes, and oregano for about 20 minutes, boiled first then simmered covered and then I add noodles or rice or somethin and let it cook in the water for about half the time it tells me to. voila! soup. If I had some peppers or zucchini or other veggies I'd add them in there for sure but right now there is NOTHING in the fridge.

So today I will leave you all with a bunch of thinspo dedicated to a beautiful young girl by the name of Kelsey Van Mook, a friend of mine who is a model in NYC. She literally eats whatever she wants and gets turned down from Fashion Week in Paris for being "too skinny'. Not fair.

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Fashion Paradise

Hello everybody! Sorry I haven't posted in a few days (irregular of my nearly every-day-post-regimen.. man I need more of a life) but I have just gotten back from Milan!
It was beautiful there! I only went for 2 days (days off from work) but I got to see a lot! I stayed with my cousins who visited me back home many years ago so it was great to see all of them..but let's get real, I was really there for the shopping :) I was pleased to fit into a small pair of pants at Zara, and even the size small dresses there wer big on me, though it could just be weird european sizes?
I got this beautiful pair of pants which I have been looking for for weeks now! Still have to loose some weight to look just the way I want to in it, but that will come! 2 dresses, 2 shirts and a new black bikini.

We did some sight seeing in the city, I saw "La Scala" the most famous dance theatre in the world, which meant a lot to me as I am a dancer. I also saw the "Duomo", here's a picture of me infront of it, it's so big we couldn't get the whole thing in the frame.

I used my 'elemination diet' excuse again to get out of eating, so I only had to eat fruit and vegetables with them so everything worked out perfect. Yesterday was my first 650 calorie day which was hard to make. I had lots of coffee, a portion of boiled spinach and boiled cucumber (weird italians..) for lunch with 1/4 of a pineapple for dessert. (skipped the 800+ calorie tiramisu thank you very much!) then I had 4 peaches and an orange on the train, plus a 114kcal peach juice and a salad that I bought which had a small portion of some type of cheese, corn and mixed lettuce. I skipped the oil (liquid lard as I call it) dressing, and had half a portion of fish when I came home that Elisa had made for dinner. I don't quite know what the calorie intake was of the cheese but not including fruits or veggies (which technically you are not supposed to count though I always try to) I only really ate the fish and cheese so I guess it's okay. 

Today is my second 650 caloroie day and I can tell my metobolism is up because my body just keeps telling me it wants food. This probably has something to do with my lack of protein intake which I really am trying to change but when your only stable option is high fat cheese it's daunting.

So far I've had

• 1/4 cantelope = 40 cal
• 1 yoghurt =114 cal
• 2.5 (?) inches of a baguette with ricotta cheese: 200 cals?
• 150g of fish = 114 cal

Total: 468

ugh.. that's so much, and it's only 1:30 pm here... I'm going to snack on vegies (aka tomatoes and onions) for the rest of the afternoon, then maybe have another yoghurt (protein!) before bed. 

It makes me really nervous to be eating this much when I'm going to be in a bikini in just a few days. I got a beautiful black strapless bikini in milano, just simple with a circle in the middle of the top and 2 small circles on the sides of the bottom, but I think with my new black hair it will look really sharp. Plus black will help me tan better right???

ALSO GREAT NEWS!!! My cousins have a scale!!! THANK LORD JESUS! I weighed in at night at 60.7kg which is 133 pounds. I'm getting there guys!!! After I had ballooned with all this italian crap I had much bigger numbers swimming around in my head so it's finally nice to know for truth that that's my weight. I have 30 days on the dot until I head back home. If I can loose 3 pounds a week that's a total of 12 pounds, making me 121 which is a pound below my LW from before I left for Italy!! Talk about motivation. Do you think this 3lb/w is realistic? Should I continue to try the SGD or go back to just the fruits and veggies and keepiing my cal intake super super low (200-300) as before? I feel like if my old habits got me to this weight I should continue with them, plus eating 650/700 cals seems like so much to me. Tell me what you guys think!

Still no word from Francesco... meh. Andrew still has not replied... great. I am sooo ready for new boys. Come to meeee Spaniards!!!

(this is where I will be in 3 days!)

Don't know how much I will be able to post while I'm in Barcelona, but know that my thoughts are with you all and I will continue to follow everyone's blogs so keep thinking thin!!

Random Thought: I have this idea, I was inspired by the red bracelet plan. It's another way for Ana's to network, but still mantain anyonomity. The idea of somehow creating a list of codewords for area's you live in, for texting buddies or even to meet. It would obviously be nothing speficic (this is the internet afterall) but a way for us to connect geographically. The idea is still in the works, but I know atleast for me, moving across the world, it would be really great to have someone here who could help support me and to have someone to talk to about Ana. We would have one list of different area's, limit it first to continents, or states/ countries and post the 'code word' on our blogs. That way we will obviously know they are pro-ana/ana/ednos etc and the general place they come from. Only the Ana community would know what the words mean. Let me know what you guys think!

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

"This Time I'm Not Leaving Without You"

Well, I reached out to Andrew. (ex from back home) Just said a simple 'hey' on skype. Nothing. I feel like I'm going to puke. And while most people would instinctively reach for a drink or cigarette all I want is to feel empty and hungry, that's my drug of choice. But I'm trying to stick to the SGD, it's hard to reach their target calorie intake, even on the 400 hundred days, I don't even know what I'm going to eat on the 700 or 600 calorie days.

I miss him, so much. I avoid those feelings like I avoid food. If all I feel is hungry and empty and hollow, I can't feel sad. I shove these other emotions down my throat into my heart so there is no space left for heart break. I know I am going to see him this summer and it makes me physically sick to think that we would just walk by eachother as if nothing even existed between us.

But then on the other hand I cannot wait to be surrounded by the people that have known me my entire life. That love me, and can laugh at the stupid shit I do and can act like a kid with me. I want summer in my city so soo bad. I miss all my friends so much.

Sorry guys, I don't know why today I'm such an emotional wreckage. Just want to cry at the slightest little thing, maybe I'm pmsing... great.

SGD is going well so far, I think. Like I said, having a hard time reaching the target intake but I'm trying.  Also I pulled both muscles in my calfs so I cannot walk... at all. They were really sore 2 days ago after I jogged on the spot for 20 minutes (pathetic right?) but then I excercised again yesterday when I took Jacopo to the park and I woke up this morning unable to move them at all. If I have to get around I have to waddle like a penguin with my toes pointing outwards. YAY for Gymps!!!

Hope everyone out there is feeling lovely!!

Think thin

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

SGD

So I've decided to try out the Skinny Girl Diet.  I like having a plan of what I'm eating and I think that this just makes it easier, every day perfectly calculated. Though it seems like a lot of calories compared to what I have been consuming so I'm going to count all my fruits and veggies in my total. Everything besides fruits  and vegetables is unhealthy in this house, and I don't want to give myself too much wiggly room to fuck everything up. I'm going to start a new Tab called SGD so you can all follow my progress (and cheer me on!!? )


Replies: 
Cinnamon Brown: Thanks for the comments!! It's great to know someone else knows just what I'm talking about, and I find it midly funny that you were about to open up an account at that store!!! I'm SURE that is not necessary, soon enough we both will be thin, rocking out in some vintage tees and ripped jeans. Props on the excercise girl, that's totally the best way to do it, boost your metabolism and burn fat, it's like magic, good on ya! And in response to your previous comment, that's so funny that there's a restaurant near you called "Villa Borghese"! It's a giant park, one of the most famous in Rome with these beautiful little pockets of different things, lagoons, fountains, kids parks, the zoo, view points etc are all inside. Maybe one day you'll get a chance to check out the real deal! P.S Twiggy is phenom.... she totally captures the attitude of being skinny that I want to attain! Calm, cool, collected, with all eyes on her and she just does not give much of a damn because she knows she is fabulous! Hope your doing well! xo


Nicole Stefl: Thanks for the comment!! I appreciate the support, took your advice and am going to try it out! Hope you are doing well with reaching your goals! Starve on!! xo

Until tomorrow, Think thin beauties,

Love always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Things to Say & Calories to Burn!

So I've been reading over a lot of different pro- ana blogs and lots has been said about the SGD (Skinny Girl Diet) I am thinking about trying it but want some opinions on if it will help or hurt me. For those of you who are unfamiliar with SGD here it is!

Lately I've been keeping my intake around 200-400 (MAX) plus lots of walking and pushing the stroller.. which is damn hard work lemme tell you. I can see a difference, I've got a small (tiny!) gap between my thighs now! FINALLY!!! When I walk I no longer feel them touching or brushing together which just gives me more motive to keep walking! 

I feel like shit about my stomach though, and because I have no scale or full length mirror where I live thats the only part I can really see of my body and it is so disappointing... After how many meals and treats and cravings I've resisted I would really have hoped to be better... I guess I just magically thought that I'd go back to the way I used to look in no time, so frustrating.

Everytime I look at the peice of lub hanging from my abdomen I want to do one of 2 things:

1) Cut it off with a machete, just slice right through it, and watch the blade glide like it was cutting through warm butter. 

2) Go make a giant bowl of pasta with tomato sauce and a ton of parmesean cheese and just give in to being fat.
I'm not feeling as cold or hungry or empty as I was before, I've gotten used to this intake. Everytime I get to this point I either think 'Okay I'll try calorie shifting to boost my metabolism' but then I end up binging if I try and eat more than 500 calories. I don't know what I should do.

Anybody out there have any answers?
So far for breakfast I had

• 1/4 of cantelope: 25 cals
• 2 servings of spinach + 75 grams of peas + 1 slice of onion: 200 cals ( a bit under )

I recently checked out Cinnamon Brown's Blog and her top 40 music inspired me to do a bit of a retro Thinspo for today, dedicated to fashion icon 'Twiggy"

 

Have a great day everybody out there!

Love always,

Ana's Angel xo

Hellooo girls! Hope you all have had a fantastic weekend! 

I'd like to give a warm welcome to my new followers, how are all of you feeling today? Feel free to start some dailogue, I'm not biting into much these days, so I won't bite you! Promise ;)

Today I am feeling quite fat. The culprit: alcohol. ugh. Friday I spent 4 hours at the park with the little one, his mom had an extra long day so I worked for quite a while. Most of that time I spent pushing the stroller up and down the hills of Villa Borhese. (BEAUTIFUL park near my house) I'm pretty sure I got some good cardio there, plus I was out in the heat as well, getting a nice tan. Yay! So needless to say I was pretty tired, didn't go out with friends that night. Still no word from Francesco after our previous makeout sesh. Cool. I managed to only eat 3/4 of a cantelope. (I know.. almost the whole god damn melon, but it was small and fruit, and only 150 calories!) and split pea soup (200 calories) yaaay! :)

I could definately notice a difference in the mirror the next day, my stomach was flatter and my waist was much more defined!

Saturday I spent the whole day inside after sleeping in until 1pm, didn't get up to much just became one with my couch. Planned my Greece vacation, booked my ferries from athens-santorini, santorini-mykonos, skyped with my mom, that sorta shit. Got my University things in order, or atleast started to haha. Then Saturday Angela and I went out since we were both feeling restless. We got drunk and met up with some of her swedish friends and I decided that I would text two of these guys ( Henry and Francesco) and see if either of them were out and about the Campo. Francesco = no reply. Cool.
Henry was just at a bar across the Campo though, and I told him where I was and he came there... but didn't stop by our table or say hi. Simply sat within my view and sat with his buddies. hmm. Well I refused to make any first move and just flirted with some of the HOT swedes there and then we got up and left. He texted me as soon as we left - 'Hey! Where'd you go??' ooooOh so that's how this is. I chose not to respond.
I ate a bunch of peanuts at the table that they put infront of us when we ordered our drinks. What I really wanted was the popcorn and potato chips but I let myself have the nuts instead. When I got home I had already made the decision to binge. I ate 5 small peices of a baguette with ricotta cheese on top, then some mozzarella cheese and proscuitto (dried ham). My stomach felt weird... having food like that. Then I remembered that tomorrow I would be going to the beach, went to the bathroom and purged as much of it up as I could. Felt better.

(wish I could look like this at the beach!)

Sunday I went to the beach as mentioned. I felt alright about it. It was just me and Angela, going to "Ostia" one of the beachs near Rome. Then as we're about to get on the train we run into my old friend Jay who used to do club promoting with me. (though he worked for the competition, still a great guy) He starts off with 'I don't remember inviting you sluts to the beach!" Gotta love him.  :) He was with a few of his friends from L.A who were visiting him here. It ended up being a really good time. I got very drunk, again. (hence the disgusting feeling today) Angela always wants to turn everything into a party, which can be fun but once I start drinking I just keep it going and forget about the calories.
I did go to for a run on the beach with one of Jay's friends atleast. And then the only other thing I consumed other than vodka and coke zero was a half of a 300 calorie noodle thing which Angela in her WASTED state hogged to herself and then I had a 300 calorie rice and veggie thing to fill me up. So in Total I had about 450 calories plus booze. Meh. Alright day but I've been doing so much better than that.
Plus, GUESS who was at the beach!?! Can't guess? No?
Well Angela and I were behind the boys who were getting our chairs for us, we went to the bathroom, came back and the spot they chose, was directly infront of.... Francesco and entourage. Yup. Took me atleast 2 hours to work up the courage to go say hey. It was pretty awkward. He told me he didn't go out the other night to which I cooly responded 'figures since you didn't text me back'. He told me he would call/text me that night because Emmanuele, Miranda's boyfriend (Miranda is Francesco's cousin who works at one of our regular bars in Campo di Fiori) is in town. Did I recieve any text/call... no.

*sigh* So now I am putting my love life in Ana's hands, the skinnier I get the more I will be noticed. Once I'm thin everything will be good.

For anyone looking for a good movie to watch thats about Ana, I watched 'For the Love of Nancy' on Saturday. It was pretty good. Although it delt more with the family's reaction to her eating disorder rather than focusing on Nancy and her mental state. Plus some of the recovery scenes are inaccurate. For instance, all the other anorexics in the dining hall are calmly, normally eating while Nancy is the only one who throws a fit. Um, I've never been in recovery but I'm pretty sure that ain't the case.

My plan for today:  well... I just took a look in the fridge, there is nothing safe in there. Elisa hasn't gone grocery shopping in a while. There are about 8 different types of cheese, a lemon, proscuitto, 3 bags of tomatoes, 2 moldy oranges and the likes.
I'm not even hungry now, kinda sick feeling plus I ate my rice so late so I'll skip breakfast, settle for just some coffee, and bring a diet coke and spinach with me to the park (100 clas)
Then hopefully when Elisa comes home from work she'll have some fruit/veggies otherwise I'm screwed. I don't like not having a daily plan. I can always still make my pea soup. And I plan on doing a lot of walking through the park with Jacopo.

Until later lovelies!
Starve on & Stay Strong
Love Always,
Ana's Angel xo

Doctor, Doctor, Gimmie The News

Disorder Rating

Paranoid: Very High

Schizoid: Moderate

Antisocial: High

Schizotypal: High

Borderline: Very High

Narcissistic: High

Histrionic: Very High

Avoidant: Very High

Dependant: Very High


Obsessive Compulsive: High

If you want to take the test yourself, (reader be warned) click here!

Well that was interesting... *ahem*

When reading the questions I never thought anything wrong of them... and when answering others I noticed certain behavoirs of myself that I would have given second thought to. Here's one: self harm.

There are lots of us out there that self harm. Cutting, burning etc. In highschool I was a cutter. I'm not afraid to say it. I would take safety pins and drag it across my skin thousands of times, each line getting a little bit deeper, a little more painful over the scratches. my entire left forearm was a bloody mess.

I never actually wanted to kill myself, but I did want to know what dying felt like. I often would picture my funeral. The flowers, the church, but I always focused on the people. Who would be there because it would look 'wrong' if they didn't show up, who wouldn't be there because they were too emotionally distraught? Who would be crying? Who would be thinking 'good ridance'? Who would speak? What would they say... Do you guys ever have any thoughts like that? I'd always get to the part in my memory about my ex's... Who still loved me (as if posisble) and never told me? Who never really did?

I never thought this habit actually constituted as 'self harm' but I suppose it does. I pick at my scalp. ew right? I grow my nails long and scratch at the skin until all I see is blood covering my fingers. I wait for them to scab over, and I pick again. Secretly loving the satisfaction of forcing myself through the pain. When asked about it (though I never pick at a place where you can see the scabs) I usually saw I ran into the corner of a cupboard.

On a more pleasant note, I keep bouncing back and forth on how I feel about going home. I can't wait to just sit at my best friends pool with an ocean view getting too drunk and laughing too loud and laying out in the sun until we swear night time will never come. I want to be careless, free flowing, a breath of fresh air and beauty who never lets anything weigh her down, emotionally and physically. Today I feel strong enough to go back home and face things with this new attitude.

I can visualize it all, and I am stick skinny with clothes that hang off of me and with bags and boots that seem far too large, heading to the beach or a big grassy field with the biggest smile on my face while everything moves around in slow motion.

Things will be good.

Random Thought: Tattoo Idea - "Sempre a piedi con un cuore pieno di amore" 

                                              Always be walking with a heart full of love

Drink, Drank, Dr-a-unkk!

Hello my lovelies, how are we all doing today? Hope everyone is having a wonderful day spent with Ana!

I'd like to start off today's post with some words of support, because this community is all about helping eachother through our darkest moments, and not shying away from the gory details, to still be there for one another. So here's me saying "Hello! I love you all, and will be here if anyone would like to talk or need to talk or wants to give a shoutout! Furthermore, I'd like to encourage every other person out there to reach out to someone today. Whether that be someone you know or not, is never hurts!

That being sad, my updates are alll over the map! Last night I went out drinking with Angela which put me in a bit of a bad mood at the beginning of the night. I'd gotten very used to my habits and calorie intake and I didn't like the idea of drinking empty calories and spending money but nonetheless I went. She has been seeing this guy, Salvatore (sooo italian right?) and she wanted me to meet his friend... yes one of those nights, you guys know what I'm talking about?

So after the awkward introductions, the double cheek kiss and many drinks consumed the night started to get better. His friend's name is Marco, cute hipster type... but too attainable for my taste. He was a bit too all over me, no chase, no thrill.

I called up my friend Francesco (who I may or may not have a secret crush on as you will learn as you read) and he met us at one of our typical bars in this area called 'Campo di Fiori' (Place of the flowers: place of mass historical executions, hence all the flowers) Anyways! Francesco was pretty drunk, which was hilarious to see because he neverrrr gets like that, I'm always the one making a fool of myself infront of him. He wasn't sloppy or anything, just loosey goosey! He was keeping his arms around my after we hugged and taking my hands in his and looking deep in my eyes as I tried to convince him to stay with us but he refused to 5th wheel it..fair enough. BUT we ended up kissiing a bunch!!!

This is good because: I have had a kindergarten crush on the kid since we met, he's super cute, a good guy, and has on numerous occasions taken care of me in many different scenarios and ways and has always been a gentleman.

This is bad because: The bar we were kissing at is where is roomate, Zach, works... Zach and I hooked up one night. Does Francesco know this? Noo idea! Zach also refused to clue me into the fact that he had a girlfriend at the time! Who is crazy! And friends with all my friends! And have met several times!! *stupid stupid stupid*

Also, Marco was less than 2 feet away and had been buying my drinks all night... only slightly rude right? If he saw he sure didn't act like it, if anything after Francesco went home Marco seemed more into me. Just goes to show how a little competition goes a long way. 

I left the night early to return home where I went straight to the kitchen. I had some meat with a tiny bit of stale bread. Normally this would send me into a panic but I have been doing pretty well I think with my calorie intake that even considering the food I ate I still managed to keep my day around 400 cals I would say. (plus booze)

So today I'm doing a liquid fast to kick myself in the but and give me a bit of a high! Water, diet coke, sprite zero, coffee and tea. Then I'll go out tonight but not drink. It will be hard but I know it will be worth it. 

I want to get myself a beautiful red bracelet. Technically, medically haveyouwhatnot I spose I don't meet the criteria to be a diagnosed 'anorexic' (yet!) but I really like this idea. I like the thought of having one of my darkest secrets so out in the open, but still mine. It's like I'm telling the world everything but I'm speaking another language. It's right there, but they don't understand. Plus I think having it right there will remind me when I'm tempted to eat of who I am meant to be, who Ana will turn me into. A beautiful thin skinny girl. 

Also booking a trip for Greece in exactly 25 days...major bikini time. I'm picturing myself lying out on a rock, cliffside looking at the beautiful blue Adriatic water getting a wicked tan and being THIN!

Random Thought: if smiling uses 32 muscles, it must burn calories! So keep that smile on your beautiful faces :)

Stay Strong & Think Thin

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Thinking Thin!!

I've got motivation coming out of my ears!! I have this image of what I will look like once I am thin and small and I am determined to do whatever it takes until that image is reflected in the mirror.

So far today I've had:

• a bowl of strawberries (30 cals)
• 2 cups of espresso (30 cals?)
• for lunch I will have 2 servings of spinach (100 cals) with a esparagus (40 cals) and 1t of soy sauce. (= 150 cals)
• for dinner i will have a small portion of split pea soup (50 cals)

Total: 260 cals

Hope everyone out there has been able to stick to their goals!! Remember: Ana is always watching ;)

ALSO would like to welcome all new followers and commenters!! I love reading what you guys have to say so keep em coming!!

Love always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Fix This

I've spent my whole life fixing people, or trying to. I'm angry at my father because even though I have figured him out, why he is the way he is, I can't change him. I hold onto that anger because there I cannot control his actions now matter how deeply I understand them.

I date boys who have problems. If they are too clean cut, too nice, too 'normal' I loose interest. I need to constantly be focusing on someone else. Does that make me generous?

I want to be the one that's being helped this time.

I'm dying for someone to notice how exhausted and hurt I am. That I'm broken. But I will do anything to hide this secret of mine. I want someone not ot be afraid of my cracks and bruises, to hold me tight even when I fight them visciously.

I perfect my act. Every lie. Every smile. Stupid, stupid people surround me. How dumb you are.

I want to be looked at, so frail and fragile, that people are afraid to say any wrong thing, for I might break. I want to be so small and child like, that the big bad problems of the world are still too far away for me to comprehend.
It doesn't seem like too much....

Feeling moody, as you can tell. I dyed my hair black last night, I had been thinking about it for a few days and thought 'what the hell'. I dig it, I think it makes me look more striking. Let me know what you guys think!!

So far today I've had

• 3 scrambled egg whites with 1/8 of a onion and 1/3rd of a zuchinni which I'm counting as 100 calories. (it's a bit less)
• 2 cups of coffee (30 cals?)
• A few spoonfulls of split pea soup (est. 20 cals)
• 1 cup of watermelon (50 cals)
• Diet Coke (0 cals)

Total: 200 cals :)

Plus I spent a good amount of time outside with the little one around the park, getting a tan and pushing the stroller, hopefully burnt atleast 100 cals!

I'm going to let myself have a bit more watermelon if necessary, or veggies. I usually tell myself I can have as much veggies as I want with minimal fruit (carbs/sugar) and it prevents binging. Plus if I start thte day with protein it helps me stay fuller during the day, then I snack to keep myself going. Seems to work, though I don't feel like I'm loosing weight fast enough. Calorie shifting is really hard for me, but I'm worried my metabolism is just coasting with this minimal eating. 

It's already so hot here in Rome that my friends want to go to the beach and lay out in the parks and tan and everytime I put on my bikini I get in the foulest mood and just want to slice the fat off my sides. I've tried going in to the pharmacy's to see if there are any diet pills, but the only ones I can find just get rid of your water weight. I want to find Hydroxycut, I've taken it before and it helped soo much!! Anyone know how to get my hands on some???

Also found a tape measure yesterday, my only means of measuring/weighing myself since I have no scale here, my waist is a 28.... twenty fucking eight.. thats DISGUSTING!!

Hope all you lovelies are feeling better than I am.

Stay Strong & Think Thin Beauties <3 

Love, Ana's Angel xo

Some Memory

He opened the back door into my basement, as he had done hundreds of times before, as if it were his own home. My suitcase is on the floor and I fold a tank top, roll it and stuff it onto the mountain of clothes inside my luggage. He looks at the red bag, looks at me and flops on my bed with a casual ‘whaddup?’ For a while I wasn’t sure if he was really going to come, goodbye’s aren’t my thing, and neither of us knows how this one play out. Small talk is made and I casually pull out a piece of paper from the middle drawer on my nightstand. I tell him that I’d painted it for him years ago but never had the chance to give it to him, there was never an appropriate time. He immediately recognizes the picture, the skyline of our city with the most beautiful brilliant blue sunset, a photo he took himself and showed me one night. I wrote,‘ All my love’ on the back. 

I look at the clock, only a few hours until my flight. He says ‘Let’s go for a drive.”

We’re driving in his SUV, aimlessly passing time, enjoying the last few moments just us, just like this, just us. There are words that need to be said, but we both know their truth, and with a single glance it’s as if a whole conversation has taken place. We have to fill the silence, fill it with anything, lest the words we are terrified to say come spilling out. We talk about sports, the weather, the length of my journey; and we stop. It’s real. All of a sudden its real. This is all we will have. 

We pull up in front of my house, he walks me to my door. He says, ‘alright, bye!’ and turns to leave, mockery taking over his face before sadness does. I know this, and so does he, but it doesn’t need to be said. He’s never been one to show emotion physically, he shy’s away from touch, contradicting the nights he’s begged me to just lie next to him, just to have someone to hold... to know that someone is there. I tell him, ‘You’re not getting away that easy.’ It’s the closest thing to an emotional statement either of us will make. I wrap my arms around his neck, and he slowly, tightly wraps his around my body and buries his head in my neck. I have to reach up on my tip toes to get close to him, he’s too tall. I never want to let go. Neither of us moves. 1 minute. 2 minutes. 3 minutes. I force myself to loosen the ties. I tell him ‘I’ll see you later hey?’ he says ‘yep’ neither of us knows if this is true. 

I’m in the car going to the airport, my phone buzzes. It’s him. Sending me some kind of joke or another. He tells me he’s near the airport, going to visit his brother. I ask him if he’s going to chase me down at my gate like some cheesy rom com movie. He laughs and tells me that I’d love that, wouldn’t I? The answer is yes. Yes, I want you to stop me. But instead I laugh and tell him that he’s going to find something other chick to bother on a daily basis, but she wont ever be as hot as I am. Faking confidence. He tells me that this is doubtful, because he knows the relationship we have, he won’t have with anyone else. I know in my heart how true this is for us both. 

I step onto the plane, look outside the window, think of everything I’m leaving behind, and pray to God that there is just as much waiting for me. But him, him is irreplaceable. 

Flash forward to Christmas. I surprise him, home 3 days early. The look on his face was amazing. Pure disbelief, astoundment, then back to the tv. I leave a short while later. We fight on the street corner.  He blames me for leaving. He blames me for being alone. He blames me for missing me. He blames me for his sadness. He blames me for loving me. I hit him across the face. I remember boarding the plane to come back home, tears leaking out of me just dying to get one bit closer to him. We don’t talk for 2 weeks. 

I’m in the car going back to the airport, back to my new life, the life I’ve created far away, without him. I scratch at my nails. I tap my foot. I pick at the hem of my jeans. I bit my tongue. I chew my lip. I play with my hair. 

Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay.

I give over my luggage. 

It’s okay, you can still get it back if you choose not to board the plane. 

I go through security.

You can still turn around.

I wait at my gate. I try and convince myself that this is the right thing.

You can still leave.

Am I giving up? Am I running away?

I give my ticket at the gate.

Just stop walking, turn around, get a cab back.

I step onto the plane.

Get off. Get off. Get off.

I sit down, look out the window. Panic.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

The engines groan to life, shaking me side to side.

We pick up pace at an unhumanely rate.

This isn’t fast enough. Get me out now. 

We run forward on the tarmat.

Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. I’m going to go back!

Take off.

I exhale.

"Emptiness is Full of Perfection"

                             

Hello there beautiful people! Thought I'd start off this post with some thinspo, and a very welcome "Hello! :) " to my first follower, Welcome! It's nice to know that there are people out there listening, and in turn I'd like to offer support by means of any kind to all other Anas out there! We hear about the 'Support' from our loved ones who want to take our control, call us diseased, but if we support eachother and include Ana, the stronger we will be! Feel free to contact to me and comment!!

Well, yesterday I tried to increase my calorie intake to help kick start my metabolism. I had only been eating veggies (and just started introducing fruit into my diet) and hadn't had a bowel movement in days. I just felt like I could feel everything I was eating sitting like cement inside me. ugh. I ended up somewhat binging, I ate dinner with the family since I hadn't in about a week and a half and didn't want to rise suspicion, though it probably had more to do with my own greed. I had a large portion of fresh tuna with this sauce made of olives and tomatoes and onions I think? Then I finished the suace off with a  good chunk of bread. Luckily I managed to get most of it up I think. It's really hard to purge where I live because it's an apartment with very thin walls and meal times are spent all together so everyone is out and about and I get very nervous, but I would be more anxious if I knew that all that food was sitting inside of me, adding layers upon layers of blubber onto these bones that are screaming to be seen... these bones of mine just want to be noticed.

Today I'm allowing myself veggies and fruit only, though this morning I had some blueberry yogurt. I think the reason I was craving cheese the other day was because of my lack of calcium intake, even with my multivitamin. I read a statistic somewhere that if you are healthy, your body will communicate to your brain what it needs. So I try and let myself have (within Anas reason, of course) what my body needs. I want to fool my own body into thinkin it is okay, while my eyes watch it shrink away in the mirror. Today I've had yogurt, and a bowl of strawberries. I'll substiute lunch with a coke zero and have some split pea soup around 5 and nothing else.   Then tomorrow I'd like to try the ABC diet, I think I can do, anyone else want to try with me?? I like the idea of calorie shifting, that way if there is something that I want on a day where I am only allotted a small number of calories I can tell myself that if I wait for a few days (for a higher caloric day) I might let myself have some. 

Ive realised that whatever this twist in my brain is, that makes me think these things, it revolves around denying my physical self the things I want. Even if I want something healthy, I will tell myself "No". I will set rules and make myself wait certain amounts of times before allowing myself to eat it, to prove that I have the strength to have it sit infront of me for hours without being touched. I schedule my eating every morning and if I break that schedule, I freak out. I felt very guilty for eating those strawberries this morning, but it was just fruit. I went on an hour long walk with the stroller just to get out of the house so as not to binge. 

43 more days until I'm home... I'll be the last one of my friends to arrive who are returning from college/university and seeing all the pictures of them together just further motivates me to starve. I have so many people to prove wrong, that I am more than 'the fat girl', the one that is 'crazy'. 

As sad as it is, society judges us, who we are,  based on our physical appearances, so in theory, if we change what we look like on the outside, it is a testimony to the change on the inside. I want to be so thin when I get back that I show everyone how different I am. As an expression to all of the experiences I've had during this time... is that crazy to think?

What motivates all of you out there? A boy? Your family? What gives you that drive when you are near caving, what are those magic words that Ana whispers in your hear that cause you to leave the kitchen?

By the way, I'd like to officially introduce myself to everyone out there, you can call me Angelica :)

Stay Strong & Think Thin

Love Always, 

Ana's Angel xo

Sneakiness & Success!!

Well I just returned to Rome after spending 2 days in the south of Italy in Salerno to visit my family in their village. I was really nervous for a number of reasons. 1: Old Italians can be extremely judgemental, condescending and gossipy; 2: Although I have learned a LOT of italian I knew that communication would be very difficult and hence awkward for me; 3: How the HELL was I supposed to get away without eating?

Solution: The Elimination Diet.
Best thing I ever discovered.
I remembered a girl I knew in highschool (who was actually pretty thin) and who had extreme stomach/intestinal problems and so her doctor put her on The Elemination Diet. (TED) Basically she ate nothing for 2 days (only water) and then slowly week by week added in new foods. First low acid vegetables, then whole grains, certain types of diary etc, to see what was bothering her stomach.
This is perfect for Ana's who are in a tight spot with families or going on a fieldtrip etc.
Plus the fact that the language barrier was there just made them have to believe me since they couldnt quite understand what I was saying. HA! I got away with just eating this wok stirfry dish of rice, broccoli, spinnach, and peas (290 cals) which I divied up into 3 and ate peroidically on the train to Salerno. Sunday I ate 2-3 strawberries and an espresso (sensa zucchero), lunch a plate of strawberries and 2 coffees, dinner a bunch of fresh snap peas from my Zia's (aunt) garden!
I am so proud I successfully made it through the weekend with minimally eating. I'm planning on going to Milano this weekend to visit more family and I will use the same excuse for eating then. Plus if I plan my train schedules correctly I can get away with saying I ate a meal there.

Today I decided to reward myself, and try and boost my metabolism a bit.
For breakfast I had a (what seemed large to me) bowl of strawberries
lunch: snap peas and fish cooked with garlic and onion (150 cals?)
Now I've just made myself 3 scrambled egg whites with half a small zucchini and a bit of onion. plus i treated myself by adding some parmesean cheese into the mix. (200/ 250 cals?)

I have been CRAVING cheese lately... don't know why it's rather odd. Maybe I'm just so used to eating it before. But there is no such thing as 'low fat' or 'fat free' anything in Italy...ugh.
Can't wait until I get home and I can have my lean cuisines and low fat laughing cow cheeses...
Also discovered a Subway somewhat close to my house here which is my FAVOURITE thing in the world! yay!

and for more good news....

I GOT ACCEPTED INTO MY FIRST CHOICE UNIVERSITY!!! AAh! :D
Sooo excited, I'll be living on my own, on the other side of the country, being able to do whatever I want, completely independant, learning something I'm actually really interested in. (Advertising)
The program I got accepted into was Advertising & Graphic Design, then next year I have to switch into their BFA in Advertising program but still, sooooo excited!!!

Just goes to show how Ana will reward you for your hard work. I can totally see a difference, and now that I bought a new camera I want to start taking daily pictures, every morning when I am empty, so I can see my progress for motivation. I have only 44 more days until I go back home, not long at all!!

Stay Strong & Think Thin
Love, Ana's Angel xo

....

Well, yesterday I was doing really well, I even treated myself to a boiled carrot to hold me over. But I started to get antsy since I was in the apartment all day long so I went out with my friend Angela and I walked clear across town (1 hour) to meet her so hopefully that burned off a lot of calories. We drank quite a bit and then I started to feel really sick so I bought a turkey sandwich which I gave maybe 1/4 to her. Freaked out, drank more, purged it back up. I dont think it all came up, I couldn't get all of it. Then I came home and had a few small bites of salmon which now looking at this morning is DRENCHED in olive oil.. literally the oil level covers the salmon it's like oil soup with salmon bits.. SO DISGUSTING. It actually disgusts me how people can eat like that! I also had a small peice of keish and then passed out.
So today, I'm trying to water fast/liquid fast depending on how I can do (liquid meaning only water tea coke zero coffee) but now I'm wondering if that's such a good idea.
Before I would always fast the second day after binging because I thought I would crash my metabolism after binging and it would take my body more time to get all that crap outta my system. So i constricted the day after to boost metabolism, then fast the next day. I dunno if this is better way to do it? If anyone is reading this please help me out!!!
I've fasted (only water) all day long and it's almost 5 pm.. I'm debating cooking some cherry tomatoes with garlic and onions and herbs (kinda like a fresh tomato sauce but thicker and not over pasta) I dunno though... I feel high since I've been empty all day, plus hungover. I'm worried if I don't eat something I'll just binge on something horrible, but since I'm not 'sticking to my plan' I'll give in and binge again anyways.
HELP!

51.....51....51

51 more days until I head back home!! Mix emotions about this as usual. I know as soon as I head back home I'll miss Rome and all the amazing people I've met. But I can't wait to be back home and feel like I can exhale. Ironic because I left home feeling like I couldnt breathe.
Subconciously, I think I sent myself to Italy to heal. Emotionaly, physically, the works. I was doing a lot of drugs, and not eating at all and I knew I needed to subtract myself from this equation I had gotten into. The part of my brain that doesn't want me to die took over and sent me here. I had gotten into such a great habit with my lies and excuses, and filled my house with so many safe foods, it was great! I was doing yoga, going to the gym, everything was great. But my parents divorce was eating at me. I couldn't handle living in the asme house as my father anymore, we couldn't kick him out since my parents were only 'seperated' and both of their names were on the deed for the house. It was a nightmare. I couldnt stand to look at him, everytime I did I remember everything he's done to me and my family, every childhood memory of his anger, being constantly terrified. The worst part of living with an abuser is the fear. Because you don't know which moment his switch will flip. Will this be the time he hits you? Will he only punch the wall in an attempt to intimidate you? Will he only throw the coffee table? Is he going to slam you against the wall? You could never tell.
I felt so empowered when my mother finally took a stand, I couldnt finally say 'I fucking knew this whole time this wasn't right, you were wrong. My whole life you told me I was crazy, I was always the problem. Not anymore." I hated having to see him strut around the house like he still owned everything and everyone inside. He knew he couldn't hit me again since the divorce was being processed, he would loose every precious dollar his workaholic self ever earned to the woman taking away his social status of "Dad of the Year!"
Now though, my mom and sister have moved out into our own place, still in the same neighbourhood that our old house was in which I love. My pathetic father has had to move into the house that his parents 'rent out' because hes to incapable to manage doing anything on his own. My mother did absolutely everything in our house, the guy probably couldn't even tell you where is wallet is. Things will be different when I go back, and even if I get stressed or anxious I know it is only for 8 weeks. I just have to tell myself 'it's only 8 weeks' and I know I will be okay.
It will be so great to see all my old friends again, after 7 months. I want to be as skinny as possible by then. In 51 days. The LAST thing I want is to come back from Italy a whale and listen to all the jokes about 'too much pasta' and 'looks like you enjoyed the pizza over there'. I want to hear 'how the hell did you stay so thin with all that great food!' and I'll smile to myself and reply, 'guess I just have a fast metabolism' or "I did a lot of walking!'

Andrew is still on my mind. I've been debating back and forth about what to do. He unblocked me from skype but nothings been said and I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know I will run into him in the summer we have a lot of the same friends, and I want to be shokingly thin. I want to see worry run across his face instead of shame, I want to see fear instead of loathing. If he is worried about me there is no room for hate, right? If he is nervous about how skinny I am, he must still care, right? Yes. Ana will take care of me. Aslong as I follow her orders I know she will bring him back.

Also since I am leaving in such a short peroid of time, my best friend here, Angela, has decided that she wants to try the best 6 pizzeria in Rome before we leave... ugh as if. She wants to make it a weekly routine where every thursday we try a different restaurant. How the HELL am I supposed to get out of that?! I can't keep making excuses about eating before or after every week, since we PLANNED the damn dinner. Maybe I'll tell her that I think I'm Lactose.... perfect!
More encounters for mandatory eating this week: My friend's parents who are visiting are constantly wanting to go out for a drink or dinner with me. I keep giving excuses and I don't think they suspect anything. (why should they when I look like such a whaaale) I've been managing to get away with vegetable soup and coffee, I find if I just TALK about the food a lot they are less suspecting.
I'm going to fool them all in the end, I need to get my game back.
Here we go baby, on the path!
So far today I've had 4 stalks of celery for breakfast (which I count as 0)
Lunch I cut up half an onion, a zucchini, and espargus that I boiled then cooked in a pan with soya sauce and garlic. Elisa (mom I work with) came home before I was done so we split it and there is still leftovers in the fridge so I didn't eat too much, maybe 3/4 of a cup total? Then if I can't make up an excuse for dinner I can just have some of that!
Stay Strong & Think Thin!!
Remember Ana is always watching,
xo Ana's Angel