I hate myself. I can't stop purging. Once I start I can't stop. After I purge suddenly it's rational to refill that void in my stomach with something else. It's disgusting. I spent over an hour cooking this amazing vegan curry but I guess the stress of everything and how full I felt made me purge it up, and then a twice baked yam, and chocolate, and cookies and candied nuts and finally 3 pieces of toast. My stomach feels awful this morning. I'm so tired. My hand is so cramped, I get anxiety if I so much as stretch my fingers out in front of people, worried they'll put the pieces together.
My sister has been in the hospital for the past few days, and my moms been away for the past few days so I've had to step up. It hasn't been that bad but I still worry. I'm so nervous to exchange gifts with J today. I haven't been sleeping all week, I can't stop thinking about what could happen. I keep wrestling with it over and over in my head.
What else could it be if he isn't proposing?? What gift would his mother need to know about after he gives it to me? That doesn't make sense. If it's not a ring, I need to lower my expectations here because I'm set up for disappointment. He probably doesn't even want me. How could he be sure he wants to be with me for the rest of my life?! I'm a fucking mess, a total utter hot mess. Oh ya, he has no idea though. He didn't even ask me to come home with him for the holidays, he can't ask me to marry him without meeting his parents first, right? But the whole trip was so tight with his work schedule it wouldn't have made sense, and he even told you that he wished he brought you with him! Yea well he's just covering his ass because I know he's embarrassed by me, thats the real reason I haven't met his family. What family bullshit was he dealing with over the holidays? He was to tight lipped about it, it must have something to do with me. I hate this. He keeps telling me that he's pretty sure I already know what it is! That I have to know by now, that it's so obvious.. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Now I just feel fucking stupid for not figuring it out. Now if it isn't a ring, and he proposes later on, if at all, I've got to go through all these fucking motions again! Fuck!
I can barely think straight.
love always,
loveylou
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Its the most beautiful time of the year
My Christmas started off with a trip to the hospital, for my sister who has gallstones at 18 years old. Our big brunch was cancelled, which suited me just fine, but being left alone all day on Christmas kinda sucked. My mom did get this awesome machine called yonanas that turns frozen bananas + fruit into ice cream!! Seriously just straight fruit, and it tastes SO good. Check it out Here. I also got lots of shopping money which entitles me to some much needed retail therapy after last nights antics...
My uncle just decided that he wasn't going to exchange gifts with neither my sister nor I, though never mentioned this to us. So though we spent over $100 on his gift, we got nothing in return. He gave my dad the box of lightbulbs they fought over during the week, and his mom dove soap and toothbrush replacement heads, with a few vitamins that my grandfather pays him for anyways. And it's not as if the man is not well off, he is in fact quite wealthy but a cheap bastard non the less. My dad's young girlfriends parents joined us as well, so not only were we put under pressure to 'play nice'; her parents were the biggest suck ups! Her dad actually said at the table that his favourite thing that's green is obviously money... I spent the entire dinner serving everyone, I didn't eat a single thing, because surprise surprise, they all forgot I was a vegetarian, again, despite being a vegetarian for a year and a half now and mentioning it every damn time we eat, and every time they ask me why I'm not eating anything. When I tell them why, my grandmother nearly bursts into tears from guilt, which is all just a show, so that I console her into convincing the table that I'm fine, and it doesn't matter. Even though getting forgotten about by my own family is devastating enough. But this meant that I didn't eat a thing, I had a few glasses of wine because lord knows I needed it. Then made a weight watchers pita with tempeh, lettuce and 1/4 tomato (300) and went straight to bed.
I ordered my dress yesterday for NYE, this is what it looks like! All of the smalls were gone, so I ordered an XS which is my current motivation for not binging. The size chart said XS = bust: 31-32" waist: 23-24" hips: 33-34" A small would fit me perfectly right now but I'd feel amazing if I could fit into the XS. It's clearly form fitting which makes me feel.. on display, I guess is the best way to put it. I'm getting more and more nervous about this night, J keeps bring it up and taunting me with it. I'm dying to know. 2 more days until we exchange gifts which will hopefully give me some insight.
So in order to fit into this dress, I'm trying to eat around 500 a day or less, 70-80% from a source of protein, and lots of veggies. I'm trying to be more active during my day rather than work out. My legs don't touch, even when my knees are together there's this slice of air in the middle that makes me so happy. I've been getting quite a few compliments about my ass, which does slightly make me more confident but the attention really bothers me. I don't want anyone to say anything. But I want to lose weight to look great. It's the silent appreciation, the quiet judging jealous eyes, that's what I'm after.
love always,
loveylou
My uncle just decided that he wasn't going to exchange gifts with neither my sister nor I, though never mentioned this to us. So though we spent over $100 on his gift, we got nothing in return. He gave my dad the box of lightbulbs they fought over during the week, and his mom dove soap and toothbrush replacement heads, with a few vitamins that my grandfather pays him for anyways. And it's not as if the man is not well off, he is in fact quite wealthy but a cheap bastard non the less. My dad's young girlfriends parents joined us as well, so not only were we put under pressure to 'play nice'; her parents were the biggest suck ups! Her dad actually said at the table that his favourite thing that's green is obviously money... I spent the entire dinner serving everyone, I didn't eat a single thing, because surprise surprise, they all forgot I was a vegetarian, again, despite being a vegetarian for a year and a half now and mentioning it every damn time we eat, and every time they ask me why I'm not eating anything. When I tell them why, my grandmother nearly bursts into tears from guilt, which is all just a show, so that I console her into convincing the table that I'm fine, and it doesn't matter. Even though getting forgotten about by my own family is devastating enough. But this meant that I didn't eat a thing, I had a few glasses of wine because lord knows I needed it. Then made a weight watchers pita with tempeh, lettuce and 1/4 tomato (300) and went straight to bed.
I ordered my dress yesterday for NYE, this is what it looks like! All of the smalls were gone, so I ordered an XS which is my current motivation for not binging. The size chart said XS = bust: 31-32" waist: 23-24" hips: 33-34" A small would fit me perfectly right now but I'd feel amazing if I could fit into the XS. It's clearly form fitting which makes me feel.. on display, I guess is the best way to put it. I'm getting more and more nervous about this night, J keeps bring it up and taunting me with it. I'm dying to know. 2 more days until we exchange gifts which will hopefully give me some insight.
So in order to fit into this dress, I'm trying to eat around 500 a day or less, 70-80% from a source of protein, and lots of veggies. I'm trying to be more active during my day rather than work out. My legs don't touch, even when my knees are together there's this slice of air in the middle that makes me so happy. I've been getting quite a few compliments about my ass, which does slightly make me more confident but the attention really bothers me. I don't want anyone to say anything. But I want to lose weight to look great. It's the silent appreciation, the quiet judging jealous eyes, that's what I'm after.
love always,
loveylou
Monday, December 24, 2012
5 golden rings, or just one with a diamond?
Day 4 of no purging! It's a small feat but I'll take it. I feel back in control now and my restricting is back on schedule. Yesterday I kept it pretty low cal, considering I went to J's and showed him the new holiday lingerie I bought for him, and now way was I having a bloated tummy for that. It went so perfect! I had my red little babydoll on with black lace booty cut panties and thigh high gartered stockings and black heels, underneath a long plain black dress. I quickly asked him to unzip me as soon as I arrived and the dress dropped to the floor... and so did his jaw...
He last minuted booked a flight home across the country for the holidays and left today, so I wanted to surprise him with a special night. I brought dinner with me, which was stuffed vinegar-marinated portobello mushroom caps with caramelized onions, parmesan roasted potatoes, flash fried garlic green beans and a spinach salad with cucumber, peppers and tomatoes. I totalled my whole meal at 500 cals, which I couldn't stop thinking about the rest of the night. I ate J's mushroom cap which was stuffed with light cheese, because the vinegar was too strong for him, but it was soo good. I had already had a spinach mushroom and skim mozza omlette and an 70 cal yogurt... but I told myself that it was just one day, and once in a while a spike in intake helps your metabolism out. It's always what I say pre-binge. But I kept it in check. Today I've had oatmeal (130) and I just finished a ginormous salad with veggie grounds, onions, peppers, tomato, cucumber, corn, and feta (450) It took me nearly 2 hours to finish but I don't feel overly stuff, and it's all veggies and high protein. I'm hoping I can be strong enough for a work out on my elliptical tomorrow, and get back to strict 3 meals a day, under 300 each with a 300 cardio burn.
There's something else I really want to talk about on here... remember how I thought that J might propose? I think he is... on new years eve. I don't know why but I just have this feeling. He texted me the other day and told me that new years eve is all taken care of, and that I deserve a proper first kiss. (I've never been kissed at midnight) My instructions are to get dressed up, formal and sexy. I'll know where we're going before we get there, but he won't tell me anything else. He also mysteriously made a trip over the border earlier in the week, and was cheeky and coy when I asked about it, cooing; 'I can't tell you baby!' He told me that when I open his gift, to open the box first, and the card second. I found my present wrapped, it's a big box, but its light and I think there are many boxes inside, I heard multiple things shaking around. And theres some sort of envelope and padding inside of the card. Then his mom called him this morning and he told her that I wished her a Merry Christmas. She then started asking him almost literally a million questions, to each he answered 'I don't know!' with a huge grin on his face and standing outside the door, poking his head out to taunt me a little. He asked me if I could hear her and I said no, which was the truth. I asked her if his mom knew what he was getting me for Christmas, and he said no, but that she'll definitely know after he gives it to me.
Any guesses as to what you guys think it could be???
He last minuted booked a flight home across the country for the holidays and left today, so I wanted to surprise him with a special night. I brought dinner with me, which was stuffed vinegar-marinated portobello mushroom caps with caramelized onions, parmesan roasted potatoes, flash fried garlic green beans and a spinach salad with cucumber, peppers and tomatoes. I totalled my whole meal at 500 cals, which I couldn't stop thinking about the rest of the night. I ate J's mushroom cap which was stuffed with light cheese, because the vinegar was too strong for him, but it was soo good. I had already had a spinach mushroom and skim mozza omlette and an 70 cal yogurt... but I told myself that it was just one day, and once in a while a spike in intake helps your metabolism out. It's always what I say pre-binge. But I kept it in check. Today I've had oatmeal (130) and I just finished a ginormous salad with veggie grounds, onions, peppers, tomato, cucumber, corn, and feta (450) It took me nearly 2 hours to finish but I don't feel overly stuff, and it's all veggies and high protein. I'm hoping I can be strong enough for a work out on my elliptical tomorrow, and get back to strict 3 meals a day, under 300 each with a 300 cardio burn.
There's something else I really want to talk about on here... remember how I thought that J might propose? I think he is... on new years eve. I don't know why but I just have this feeling. He texted me the other day and told me that new years eve is all taken care of, and that I deserve a proper first kiss. (I've never been kissed at midnight) My instructions are to get dressed up, formal and sexy. I'll know where we're going before we get there, but he won't tell me anything else. He also mysteriously made a trip over the border earlier in the week, and was cheeky and coy when I asked about it, cooing; 'I can't tell you baby!' He told me that when I open his gift, to open the box first, and the card second. I found my present wrapped, it's a big box, but its light and I think there are many boxes inside, I heard multiple things shaking around. And theres some sort of envelope and padding inside of the card. Then his mom called him this morning and he told her that I wished her a Merry Christmas. She then started asking him almost literally a million questions, to each he answered 'I don't know!' with a huge grin on his face and standing outside the door, poking his head out to taunt me a little. He asked me if I could hear her and I said no, which was the truth. I asked her if his mom knew what he was getting me for Christmas, and he said no, but that she'll definitely know after he gives it to me.
Any guesses as to what you guys think it could be???
Friday, December 21, 2012
I need to lose
Tomorrow is another busy day, just gotta stay busy and away from food. I'm going to my friends house to give him a piece of art I made for his birthday. It's a painting, so I couldn't exactly bring it to his birthday party, but he's seen a picture of it and loves its which is a great feeling. I said I'd bring breakfast though... fuck. He lives across town as well so more walking tomorrow! Hopefully it won't be as wet rainy snowy as today was. Then the first of many holiday parties to come.
Tomorrow will look like this: I'll have a coffee early in the morning when I wake up, then bring fresh fruit with greek yogurt, granola and toasted almonds for breakfast (I'll skip on the granola and skimp on the nuts) then have a little dinnery something before my party so I'm not tempted to snack there. No booze. Saturday night is our girls night out and I'll do all my drinking then.
I hope its okay.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
nerves.
Well yesterday definitely didn't go as planned.. but it's almost 7pm and I haven't eaten a damn thing. Despite baking 4 batches of christmas cookies, 1 even baked a healthy vegan batch with raisons and nuts but I did not eat a thing. I burnt my finger pulling out a double chocolate chunk cookie from the sheet and licked it instinctively but spat out the chocolate like reflex, into the sink. I was allowed to eat 1 thing today: I decided on mashed cauliflower. I wanted something savory and warm to enjoy. I spent 45 minutes making and waiting for it to be ready to puree in the blender, only half way through the blender breaks. Electric beaters won't work and there's nothing else in my house to use... I know it's silly to be this upset over a vegetable but I was looking forward to it for so long, and I can't make anything similar because they all require the blender...
I'm so hungry...I feel acid reflux creeping up my esophagus, no number of glasses of water help. I'm so nervous about this interview tomorrow, the dress I'm wearing is skin tight. While I know, no matter what my weight is I will never feel comfortable in clothes like that, I just hope I can seem confident enough to belong there.
It's going to be hard to see J this weekend, friday night is a Christmas party at a friends home that I'll be attending solo, and saturday evening is a girls night out since a bunch of people are home for the holidays. Sunday I'm going over to my very best friend's house, Jordan, for Brunch... Hopefully J has Monday off so we can at least see each other. I know he won't be happy if I do get this job though so the little bit of space is a slight blessing...
I'm so hungry...I feel acid reflux creeping up my esophagus, no number of glasses of water help. I'm so nervous about this interview tomorrow, the dress I'm wearing is skin tight. While I know, no matter what my weight is I will never feel comfortable in clothes like that, I just hope I can seem confident enough to belong there.
It's going to be hard to see J this weekend, friday night is a Christmas party at a friends home that I'll be attending solo, and saturday evening is a girls night out since a bunch of people are home for the holidays. Sunday I'm going over to my very best friend's house, Jordan, for Brunch... Hopefully J has Monday off so we can at least see each other. I know he won't be happy if I do get this job though so the little bit of space is a slight blessing...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Binge-a-thon
Yeah, I'm at it again. Same shit every fucking day.
Wake up - I'm a fat fucking piece of shit, I'm fasting for the whole day to teach myself a lesson and get back on track. I need to let all this food pass I can see it underneath my stomach, one day of fasting to feel clean and pure. I'm actually looking forward to it.
An hour later - I'm kinda hungry, I should be healthy and eat a little something. Just something healthy. Besides if I starve, I'll fuck up my metabolism and its not fucked up yet (HAHA) so lets try.
10 hours later- Holy fuck where did the day go? My room is a fucking disaster there are plates everywhere... Oh my god I binged.. fuck fuck fuck, oh wait I purged at least 3 times that must be okay then... Oh fuck I made cupcakes yesterday? Yup I definitely ate some before bed without getting rid of them after, oh and theres a bucket of puke, cute.
I feel so helplessly out of control. Today I will fast and then let myself eat just one thing. I'm feeling so much pressure because on Thursday I have a job interview at this great restaurant that's brand new, and the largest in the franchise. The thing is, this chain of restaurants has a strong reputation for only hiring the 'pretty hot girls'. No, it's not hooters or anything trashy like that. It's an upscale restaurant, that has some of the hottest girls in the city working for them. It's a bit of a thing of status in my city to say you work there. They did already contact me for an interview which is a great start, and I have a great reference from someone within their company who is fairly well established. I'm just nervous as hell that I'm not going to meet the physical requirements for them, and I will be crushed. I really really need this job, I need to start paying off my debt and getting my life in order.
Every single day is filled with fear and anxiety and hopelessness. I have all of these Christmas parties to go to that is more work than fun. I've become estranged with many people who were close to me, and while I haven't royally fucked up so bad that I should not merit and invitation to their festivities, it's enough to put me on the outskirts and make me feel isolated, even when surrounded by people.
Wake up - I'm a fat fucking piece of shit, I'm fasting for the whole day to teach myself a lesson and get back on track. I need to let all this food pass I can see it underneath my stomach, one day of fasting to feel clean and pure. I'm actually looking forward to it.
An hour later - I'm kinda hungry, I should be healthy and eat a little something. Just something healthy. Besides if I starve, I'll fuck up my metabolism and its not fucked up yet (HAHA) so lets try.
10 hours later- Holy fuck where did the day go? My room is a fucking disaster there are plates everywhere... Oh my god I binged.. fuck fuck fuck, oh wait I purged at least 3 times that must be okay then... Oh fuck I made cupcakes yesterday? Yup I definitely ate some before bed without getting rid of them after, oh and theres a bucket of puke, cute.
I feel so helplessly out of control. Today I will fast and then let myself eat just one thing. I'm feeling so much pressure because on Thursday I have a job interview at this great restaurant that's brand new, and the largest in the franchise. The thing is, this chain of restaurants has a strong reputation for only hiring the 'pretty hot girls'. No, it's not hooters or anything trashy like that. It's an upscale restaurant, that has some of the hottest girls in the city working for them. It's a bit of a thing of status in my city to say you work there. They did already contact me for an interview which is a great start, and I have a great reference from someone within their company who is fairly well established. I'm just nervous as hell that I'm not going to meet the physical requirements for them, and I will be crushed. I really really need this job, I need to start paying off my debt and getting my life in order.
Every single day is filled with fear and anxiety and hopelessness. I have all of these Christmas parties to go to that is more work than fun. I've become estranged with many people who were close to me, and while I haven't royally fucked up so bad that I should not merit and invitation to their festivities, it's enough to put me on the outskirts and make me feel isolated, even when surrounded by people.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Stripper
Back to 125!! HALLELUJAH! I felt so fucking fat and bloated from my period while I was at J's. I hated myself. Especially when he coaxed me into trying on a new bra-let lingerie after we had just eaten, that was a little bit too small, but I refused to buy a size up because then it wouldn't fit when I lost weight. But I pushed all my anxieties aside and we had a great weekend together. He was so attentive and chivalrous; made me wonder what had gotten into him! Not that he isn't fantastic all the time, but this weekend he was especially kind and wonderful!
It felt a bit redundant because earlier in the week, I bought a new red teddy and matching thong to surprise J with! I've decided to use my dancing background to it's full advantage here, and put on a strip tease for my man!! I'll choreograph the routine myself and then surprise him when he comes home from work. Practicing the routine will be great excercise, and I'm going to have to look smoking sexy so that will keep me away from binging. It's the ultimate test for me though, because in order to pull it off I have to be completely confident, and in control, while dancing half naked and trying to not worry about my jiggling thighs or how my tummy looks.
It felt a bit redundant because earlier in the week, I bought a new red teddy and matching thong to surprise J with! I've decided to use my dancing background to it's full advantage here, and put on a strip tease for my man!! I'll choreograph the routine myself and then surprise him when he comes home from work. Practicing the routine will be great excercise, and I'm going to have to look smoking sexy so that will keep me away from binging. It's the ultimate test for me though, because in order to pull it off I have to be completely confident, and in control, while dancing half naked and trying to not worry about my jiggling thighs or how my tummy looks.
Here are a couple songs I'm thinking about using:
If anyone has any idea's I'd greatly appreciate it! I want something with a strong sexy rhythm, thats a bit on the slower sensual side. I'm leaning towards Skin by Rihanna. I really hope I can pull this off, and blow his mind! If I'm brave I'll take progress pictures before this event.
Last night I got into the double chocolate almond fudge ice cream, I purged it immediately and some of my dinner was there which I was trying to keep down but it was pasta w/ peppers and mushrooms in a pesto milk cheese sauce. I made the whole thing from scratch so I knew exactly what was in it, but I got too caught up with trying to make it taste good for J to impress him, rather than keeping it low cal. I only had about 1 cup, and most of that was veggies and I know that 1 1/2 cups of that pasta is 310 cals (whole wheat) so I totalled the entire meal (w/ side green beans) at 400 cal, and the rest of my day had been 400 cal so 800 isn't horrifying. Today I'll do better. I want to work out but I'm scared because I can really notice when I'm working out if I've purged recently or not, my heart will start to throb and it jumps and skips... Maybe I'll just do some ab workouts instead
love always,
loveylou
Sunday, December 9, 2012
3:41 AM
The phone buzzes at me, interrupting my dance of toss, turn, roll. I don't know what time it is, just that I should be sleeping. Again, my phone vibrates on my night stand.
It's Andrew.
I answer, thinking it's a dream. I don't need to be standing near him to know theres vodka on his breath, and loneliness in his heart. I don't need to worry, because I know by now that he won't remember any of this. I know he's sad, he's saddest when he tries hardest to seem happy. It's when he can't try anymore, that he calls me. Because I know.
He says hello and it embraces me. He tells me he has been drinking, I say I know. He asks me if I ever wonder, and I say don't. He tells me he's lost, but I know exactly what street he is on. I know what he's trying to say.
A year ago he would have shown up at my door step, no phone call necessary, and claimed a spot in my bed. He would have held me tightly to his heart. Its funny, I can only remember a few times we've ever kissed. The night I returned from Italy, being one of them.
A year ago, my new years resolution was to never look back. I chose not to ask Andrew about anything left in our past, putting ghosts and demons back in their coffins. Even though the mystery was killing me.
I can never know the truth now.
After he hangs up, I gently place my phone next to my pillow on my bed. The place he used to lie, the place that is now J's. I look at it and wonder if this is real. It lights up again and I grab it quick.
"I have never stopped loving you"
Or did I dream the ending?
love always,
loveylou
It's Andrew.
I answer, thinking it's a dream. I don't need to be standing near him to know theres vodka on his breath, and loneliness in his heart. I don't need to worry, because I know by now that he won't remember any of this. I know he's sad, he's saddest when he tries hardest to seem happy. It's when he can't try anymore, that he calls me. Because I know.
He says hello and it embraces me. He tells me he has been drinking, I say I know. He asks me if I ever wonder, and I say don't. He tells me he's lost, but I know exactly what street he is on. I know what he's trying to say.
A year ago he would have shown up at my door step, no phone call necessary, and claimed a spot in my bed. He would have held me tightly to his heart. Its funny, I can only remember a few times we've ever kissed. The night I returned from Italy, being one of them.
A year ago, my new years resolution was to never look back. I chose not to ask Andrew about anything left in our past, putting ghosts and demons back in their coffins. Even though the mystery was killing me.
I can never know the truth now.
After he hangs up, I gently place my phone next to my pillow on my bed. The place he used to lie, the place that is now J's. I look at it and wonder if this is real. It lights up again and I grab it quick.
"I have never stopped loving you"
Or did I dream the ending?
love always,
loveylou
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Hunger
I'm back in control and I feel on top of the world. Nothing makes me feel more powerful than fasting. This morning I called my grandfather and ended up spending the day with him at the office learning about wine. It made me feel purposeful, and gave me motivation.
All I've eaten today is a yogurt 70 cal and I was planning on having another low (<200cal) snack in a bit just to keep up my metabolism. I've tried being 'healthy'... or at least thats what I thought I was doing. I was eating 800-1200 calories a day and trying to get myself to work out every other day. I became bored, I wanted the feeling of hunger.
That dizzying feeling that puts the faintest smile on your face because that's all you have energy for. The rumble and churning inside you that signifies change. Hunger is my drug. I haven't purged at all today and I'm happy about that. But I talked to my grandfather about Christmas and he told me, 'You can't just eat vegetables for dinner again!'...
I fear that this is my end. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade about school. I don't know how I will explain myself. I've failed, again. Just as I fail at everything. I am far too easily discouraged, far too easily unmotivated, far too worthless to amount to anything. I fear that something will happen when my family finds out, and how I've wondered for so long if they have all known... I'm afraid they'll send me away...
love always,
loveylou
All I've eaten today is a yogurt 70 cal and I was planning on having another low (<200cal) snack in a bit just to keep up my metabolism. I've tried being 'healthy'... or at least thats what I thought I was doing. I was eating 800-1200 calories a day and trying to get myself to work out every other day. I became bored, I wanted the feeling of hunger.
That dizzying feeling that puts the faintest smile on your face because that's all you have energy for. The rumble and churning inside you that signifies change. Hunger is my drug. I haven't purged at all today and I'm happy about that. But I talked to my grandfather about Christmas and he told me, 'You can't just eat vegetables for dinner again!'...
I fear that this is my end. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade about school. I don't know how I will explain myself. I've failed, again. Just as I fail at everything. I am far too easily discouraged, far too easily unmotivated, far too worthless to amount to anything. I fear that something will happen when my family finds out, and how I've wondered for so long if they have all known... I'm afraid they'll send me away...
love always,
loveylou
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Skeleton
I don't make sense of the decisions I make anymore. Nothing makes sense, my world is in chaos. I just want to see J and have him hold me. I have holiday parties lining up and it makes me so nervous. I'm so many different people when I'm with my friends, which ones do I bring J to? How do I act? What will he say about me? About my friends? So much drinking, so much food. I need to be better than I have been. I have to be.
Yesterday I got a call from my old coworker Riley who asked me to help him plan a reunion party over the break for the old staff from The Crossing. I agreed, but reluctantly. Most of the people that will be there I would enjoy seeing, briefly, but there are a few that still hold grudges....
Just before I went to Italy I was working to save money as a waitress at The Crossing. There was a manager there named James, who got along with me quite well. We became friends and his ex, Natalie, who worked with us, went ballistic. She was extremely protective of him, they had been dating for years on and off, and had been broken up for months by the time anything had even the possibility of happening between him and I. Anyways, knowing full well that she would have no reason to be upset if he started dating me, she tried to befriend me. This girl was like the 'Queen' of The Crossing. You know how each place has one? Ya, and she was clinically psychotic. When rumours started going around, despite them being un true, she approached me and threatened to get me fired. Even though it was not against co policy to have a relationship with a superior, as she fully well knows having dated him, her manager, for years! Even though nothing had ever happened between him and I. She told me she'd turn everyone against me, and that I didn't know who I was messing with. I told James and he told me he'd handle it. I went away on vacation for 2 weeks, and tried not to think about it. When I returned to work, I'm told that they are not only back together, but that she is pregnant with (so she claims) his baby. They are now engaged, and living together with their 1 1/2 year old baby daughter, and everyone thinks I am a homewrecker...
Normally I'd try and take the high road, leave it in the past, and that is my full intention. But I'm a little bit intimidated by this girl and I know she loves that. What I hate is how everyone there knew how crazy this girl was, and would even talk openly about how awful she was, but as soon as she spread one bad seed about me, everyone believed it so easily. Despite how hard I'd worked there, and how caring I'd been to people I considered my friends. I would bake cakes for every persons birthday and I even made a few care packages together when people were moving apartments. I'd love to bring J to the party to show him off a little, but I don't want him tainted in anyway by this scene. The one card I have is my never-had-a-baby-body that I can starve into perfection...
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Seven Devils All Around Me
Things haven't been okay since I last updated. Purging has gotten out of control, all I seem to want to do is binge. My throat is so sore and burning, I lost count of how many times I made myself throw up yesterday. I wake up in the morning with battery acid burning my mouth as it presses up and into my esophagus. My hand is cramped and it hurts to bend my fingers. My knees are bruised. My head is pounding. There was so much that I wanted to eat, I even started the day off so well. I grabbed the vanilla cupcakes, giant chocolate muffins, mini hedgehogs, and french fries, ripped them up with my hands and flushed them down the toilet. Then licked off the remnants from my fingers while staring at the stranger in a mirror. She was an animal.
I know if I restrict or fast for the rest of the week I can get back to at least 125. I hate how every time I get down this low, something switches in my brain and all I do is eat. I'm sick of it. I'm taking back control. Part of the reason I think I've gotten so out of control is I've stopped using my ED as a coping mechanism. Every other part of my life right now is up in the air. I haven't told anyone I'm not going to be in University next semester, I don't even know if I will. I definitely can't tell J. I think he might propose for Christmas. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm still talking to Ryan. We have such open conversations with each other and it feels nice to have someone to not lie to. Which again, is up to me, I can choose to come clean, but I let my substantial fear stand in my way. It's like I focus all of my disciplined energy into one sole entity and leave nothing for other aspects of my life. But once my ed is out of control... look out. When I'm binging, which lasts in cycles of 3 days, my room is a mess, I don't bathe, there are plates and plates of left over food scattered and I really don't care. Nothing else matters. Food is my drug and I am a lowly addict.
I'm very lonely. Even though I have a loving boyfriend, he works a very stressful job and has been going in 6 days a week for various different reasons over the last month and a half. Maybe I should be proud that I have someone who is so diligent and determined but instead all I worry about is how close he is to turning into my father. I try to compartmentalize it, I know J is not my father, that they are different people. But what happened to the man who laughed and told me, 'Fuck, I am never working 6 days a week, Fuck that!" He works hard enough as it is and it completely effects his behaviour and personality when he is with me. I just want to feel like a priority, enough so that he can put his work phone down on the 1 day off he gets to spend time with me. I feel a little bit neglected. I brought it up to him, we'll see how things go.
J's Christmas Party went well. I wined and chatted and smiled when I was supposed to, and ate half my dinner so as not to rise suspicion. J even told me that a few of his co-workers asked him where he's been hiding me, and told him that I am a keeper! :) Gave myself a little pat on the back for that one! And I promised you all progress pictures of me in my outfit for the party... I took a couple quick shots before I left, thinking that I could get better ones later in the evening but none were taken so here they are...
I know if I restrict or fast for the rest of the week I can get back to at least 125. I hate how every time I get down this low, something switches in my brain and all I do is eat. I'm sick of it. I'm taking back control. Part of the reason I think I've gotten so out of control is I've stopped using my ED as a coping mechanism. Every other part of my life right now is up in the air. I haven't told anyone I'm not going to be in University next semester, I don't even know if I will. I definitely can't tell J. I think he might propose for Christmas. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm still talking to Ryan. We have such open conversations with each other and it feels nice to have someone to not lie to. Which again, is up to me, I can choose to come clean, but I let my substantial fear stand in my way. It's like I focus all of my disciplined energy into one sole entity and leave nothing for other aspects of my life. But once my ed is out of control... look out. When I'm binging, which lasts in cycles of 3 days, my room is a mess, I don't bathe, there are plates and plates of left over food scattered and I really don't care. Nothing else matters. Food is my drug and I am a lowly addict.
I'm very lonely. Even though I have a loving boyfriend, he works a very stressful job and has been going in 6 days a week for various different reasons over the last month and a half. Maybe I should be proud that I have someone who is so diligent and determined but instead all I worry about is how close he is to turning into my father. I try to compartmentalize it, I know J is not my father, that they are different people. But what happened to the man who laughed and told me, 'Fuck, I am never working 6 days a week, Fuck that!" He works hard enough as it is and it completely effects his behaviour and personality when he is with me. I just want to feel like a priority, enough so that he can put his work phone down on the 1 day off he gets to spend time with me. I feel a little bit neglected. I brought it up to him, we'll see how things go.
J's Christmas Party went well. I wined and chatted and smiled when I was supposed to, and ate half my dinner so as not to rise suspicion. J even told me that a few of his co-workers asked him where he's been hiding me, and told him that I am a keeper! :) Gave myself a little pat on the back for that one! And I promised you all progress pictures of me in my outfit for the party... I took a couple quick shots before I left, thinking that I could get better ones later in the evening but none were taken so here they are...
love always,
xoxo
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