The Pill

This week's been much better for me, in every way. I've been feeling in control of my eating and eating habits, being more productive and getting shit done, and things between J and I just keep getting better. I know, I'm confused too. "A positive post from loveylou?!" But it's true. I finally updated my resume, ready for printing and starting the job hunt fresh Monday morning. I started painting again, and have several projects on the go that I am very excited about.

In the process of what I call 'explaining myself' to J, I've come to realize quite a few things about myself; most importantly that a lot of the time, I have no rationalization for how I am feeling. I have so much anxiety and stress to the point of not being able to sleep, concentrate or even breathe at times, but over what? I'm not in school at the moment, I won't have to deal with classes for another 4 months, my relationship with my mother and my sister has been fantastic. We are all getting along, my sister and I have become best friends and I tell my mom almost everything. All of my friends are coming home from the various cities where they attend university, and I'm dating (I think!) an incredibly sexy, smart, funny, gothismotherfuckingshittogether guy who is crazy about me. So what's with the moodiness?! I have no idea. But it's time to let it all go. I think I hang on to the situations and ordeals that cause me so much torment because then I can use it as a crutch. I didn't do well in school because my dad is a dick. I can't sleep because I'm worried about my sister. I'm sad and can't get out of bed because I miss my ex.

I'm done. I might not be able to give myself permission to eat just eat, but I can give myself the full allowance to be happy, really happy. 

Eating has been a minimal. Friday night I made Ratatouille for J and I, I only ate about half a cup of it, if that, and it was the only thing I put in my stomach all day. He made a comment about how little I was eating but I brushed it off. Then as we're eating he asked if I had been to the gym lately... I know it was probably harmless but I can't help take some of the thing he says personally some times. I know he can see that I've gained weight, and I feel like it's so obvious... it drives me crazy. My size 4 jeans are still very loose though, they'll stay up now though whereas before they would fall off a bit. Yesterday I managed to fast with just a coffee in the morning, because I didn't sleep at all at J's house. Still not used to the sounds and he has 4 other roommates so it can get loud. But I caved and convinced myself that a healthy well rounded salad would be a good idea. I used spinach, onion, corn, white beans, feta cheese, 10 chopped almonds and lemon juice with herbs as a dressing. The beans, cheese and nuts we're driving me crazy... and once I was high I just couldn't keep it together. Everything I ate, minus a cupcake, was on my safe foods, but back up it all came. Good Girl. I capped off the night with my choco-banana-kale protein smoothie 250cals and went to bed. I can see my stomach having more definition now, thankyoulordjesuschrist, but I still don't have the courage to step on the scale. 

This month, my period was 2 weeks late. I took a pregnancy test at the beginning of the week which came back negative, and then my cycle began a few days later so I am okay. But it got me thinking about starting on The Pill. As a vegetarian, I am concerned with putting synthetics into my body (just don't tell the other half of my brain that is a cheerleader for diet soda and diet pills...) and so in the past I've always been against taking birth control pills. As much as I hate putting fake hormones in my body, I think I'd have a harder time with being pregnant, so that settles that score. But the weight gain attributed with taking the birth control pill has got me anxious, so to the research lab I go! I've found some interesting information, from FDA reports to chat forums and the consensus seems to be that the best option for me is Yaz 24 day pills. Here is a link to a really useful article I found on Marie-Claire outlining the possible pro/con side-effects of various BC pills. It outlines that Yaz uses a low dose estrogen, with a new kind of progestin called drospirenone that actually acts as a diuretic!Yippie! Yasmin also uses this type of progestin though their cycle packs contain more placebo pills so you have a longer period. Yaz also claims to treat PMS, which is a plus if it's true. So off to the clinic I go! 

Can anyone share with me their experiences with Birth Control Pills? What brands they've tried, and their side effects? If anyone knows if they react with diet pills of any kind that would be helpful as well.

love always,

xoxo

Sherlock Holmes

Privacy and Secrecy hold the most value to me. I've been conditioned that when you reveal information to outsiders they will use it against you. When you were a kid and your parents punished you, they always took away the 'privileges' you had- watching television, playing computer games, using your cell phone. But they always chose the activity you enjoy the most... So to solve this problem I started pretending that I didn't like anything. Everything was of the same value, nothing held my interest longer or stronger than the next. When I was 'punished' I forced disinterest in whatever they told me I was not allowed to do, and accepted their punishment. "Okay."It confused the hell out of my parents and I loved it. They would blubber and stammer and try and take away more than one thing at a time but I kept my face stoic. I'd fake interest and admiration for things I really never gave two shits about, so when I got in trouble they would reprimand me by taking away my 'new toy'. I think this is how I lost my fear of consequences. Now I really could not care less. Whatever happens, whatever means, whatever ends... none of it really matters.

I have this odd sense of 'things will work themselves out'. I'd rather make a decision that would make my life harder, have harsher consequences, but KNOW exactly will happen - than try and work hard to do the right thing. It's the fear of the unknown that gets me every time. And this incredible sense of shame whenever I try and force myself to do work. I work up my anxiety and nerves in my head for weeks worrying about things so far off in the distant future that by the time they arrive I'm paralyzed in fear. Procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate until...shit, now I'm really fucked. "I'm such a piece of shit, I've been worrying about X for months and seen it coming and now I've fucked myself over." Instead of working to fix it, I'll give up and move on, relieve the anxiety and deal with the fall out, because at least I know exactly what that fall out is. I know what will be expected of me, I know my purpose and my job then.

 But the secrecy and privacy of hiding my mistake eats me alive. No one can know. It's far too embarrassing. "I can't do anything right." This is why my ED needs to be such a secret for me. I need the chance to solve this 'mystery' on my own. I desperately just want to understand how I got here, what it took, and what stepping stones I landed on without knowing it. I don't want to sit in a room and talk about my feelings and have labels thrown on me. I want to know how I started to believe the things I do, what events and decisions took place for me to feel this. If I can do that, then maybe I can help myself... but it has to be on my own. There's no other way around that. No one else can know, because otherwise it's all ruined.

Don't we all want to be this beautiful flower that everyone wants to stop and smell and pick out of the garden? But we never want anyone to see the paint we used to colour our petals when they became lifeless and dreary from lack of nutrition. We can't let them see the sticks we've tied our stems to, to keep us standing tall when our exhaustion has become too strong and standing straight on our own is not an option. It's a crutch we desperately try and paint invisible. Just trying to fix ourselves.

But how will any of us every know? Maybe we're chipped or half-rotten seeds, maybe the soil is too dry or our gardener too absent-minded. Do we really need to understand our past in order to prosper in our future?

love always,

xoxo

Starting Over

Sometimes I like to think of myself as another being. Like when you were a kid, and went to those 'dress-up Sally' websites, creating a new custom made friend for you to obsess over. You could create beauty out of thin air, short blonde hair one minute and long dark hair the next, you were in control.

Every time you meet someone new, it's almost as if you are presented with the same opportunity. They know absolutely nothing about you- you can be whoever you want. This is what I love about J, starting completely fresh, taken only at face-value. It's so new to me, all of the people in my life have been there for as long as I can remember. Being with someone who doesn't yet know me inside and out and know my past and history does take some getting used to though. I always feel like such a problem, so explaining what's going on with me to him is hard, I feel so unworthy. And WHY the things I am dealing with are hard for me. My uncles big party over the weekend was a huge anxiety-filled event for me and afterwards when I spoke aloud about how nervous I had been, he didn't quite grasp why. I haven't told him about my dad or my family much. He knows that I do not like my dad and we do not talk and that side of the family is a bit crazy and traditional. But his family is very similar, and because he has had different experiences as me, though with much different outcomes or connotation it's almost as if those problems of mine are a write-off. I'm worried that when I tell him the whole story he's just going to see me as broken, or whiny and childish. The last week has been weird, and though we've talked about it and are moving past it, it just reminds me that there is so much he doesn't know. It scares me a lot. He's so damn hard to read, with Andrew I knew what he was thinking before he said it and how he was feeling before he even knew himself. J is unreadable, he is like me, he knows the worth of privacy, and he likes to be a bit mysterious himself by throwing me a smug grin and a sly smile and then kissing me before I get a chance to ask what it's about. It's all very romantic.

I thought I was pregnant. Oddly enough after my sister was complaining that her period was late and she thought she might be, I tried to remember when my last period was and that's when the 'oh-shit' kicked in and I couldn't place it. 10 days late. This never happens, I'm always very regular, even with a hyperthyroid condition. I walked to the closest drug store, bought a pregnancy test without making eye contact with anyone but when I used it I didn't get a very good sample. So I went back to a different drug store, re-tested and came back negative. Whewf! My palms are also covered in hives, I woke up on saturday with them on my palms, fore-arms, feet, and belly it's so weird. They said it was probably just an allergic reaction, but that was before I put two-and-two together about my period. That could be almost anything though, stress with school and family, hormones, weight loss/weight gain. The last 2 weeks have been binge filled so maybe that sudden change has influence? Who knows, if I make it to 2 weeks late then I'll go check in with my doctor. I did have some spotting about a week ago but it was barely anything...

Food wise I've still been very very naughty. Yesterday I had a bake-fest, which I am planning to do today, for the sheer reason that I now have nothing to fill my time with. School is over, I have yet to start looking for a job, I just want to be a degenerate slob for a while alright?! I've been lying in bed smoking pot out my window and cooking. I've finally conditioned myself into not even wanting food after I've told myself I'm allowed to have it. FINALLY. I don't know why I think this is such a good step but I feel like it will help me be good today. I am seeing J on Friday and I need to be down. I still don't know how bad the damage is, too scared to really know, but at least I have a few days to get back on track and that's exactly what I'm going to do. First I'm going to do a bunch of baking for J though. Yesterday I made snickerdoodle cookies, banana muffins, and marble cupcakes stuffed with peanut butter and chocolate icing. Today I'm going to make vanilla pound cake with vanilla bean buttercream frosting and blueberry compote, strawberry shortcake cupcakes with strawberry whip cream icing, and carrot cake mini cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. From scratch. I know, I've got my work cut out for me right?

I keep reminding myself that there will be a punishment for all of the eating I've done. I'm waiting for that shoe to drop. I'm just really afraid of being alone again I guess, and I'm struggling with my identity again. It's like now I've just gone back to the most primal of senses and identified solely with being 'female' and projected stereotype gender roles onto myself, needing to be the perfect home maker for my new man.

I think this new relationship has also shed a lot of light on the relationships of my past, in particularly Andrew of course. Even when I was so consumed with how much I loved him, I never saw a future for us. I wanted to be with him, so bad, but I could never see us in a functional relationship. I saw us desperately crashing into each other with passion after so much fighting. But when I look at J, I see what our lives together could be like. In my head I see him as my husband, as a father to my children. It's so weird, I've always made excuses for relationships not to work. I've foreseen the end before it even approaches but when I look at J, I see my future, and it's not so bad with him in it. I know, I'm getting ahead of myself, in a traditional head-over-heels fashion that I've adopted so well with this blog. I never, ever wanted a traditional type of life style. I was not interested in being a happy home-maker, stay at home soccer mom, but now maybe it's not so bad. I still have an enormous passion for travelling and discovery, but I can want both can't I? The scary thing is realizing what you want, and how obtainable it could be.

love always,

xoxo

It's About Time For A Comeback

After an overwhelming response on my previous post about deleting my blog last month, I've decided to return; on my own terms.

But oh God, it feels great to be back...

I did try and start a new blog, but it didn't feel the same. Honestly after I stopped writing all things went to hell, and then got better in different ways. 

First I need to get this off my chest - my eating has been atrocious. I've been binging for the past week, non stop, some days not even bothering to purge because I am that lazy. I'm too scared to weigh myself, and I know that the second I see anything more than the last number's I saw (which were weeks ago) it will trigger me to binge and un-do everything. I don't know what happened, I just couldn't stop. I smoked weed all day long and could not stop eating. My mom would wake up in the mornings to a kitchen/war-zone and I would look at her innocently and mumble, "don't know how that happened" when I'm really so embarrassed I just want to hide.

Yesterday I fasted, all except for a few glasses of wine that I allowed myself to have because I was at a big family gathering for my uncles birthday, just 60 of his closest friends and my enormous family - wine was definitely needed. I felt pretty sick by the end of the night, kept everything down and stayed away from all of the finger food by busying myself with cleaning and making my rounds. I don't know what I should do for the next few days, if I should make a diet plan but none of my plans work. I only create them so I don't stop eating altogether, I create a reality in where at least some eating is somewhat okay. Everything feels wrong, bad, evil, dirty. I don't want any of it. Plus I've binged for so long and forced myself to eat foods I didn't even want at the time that food doesn't sound appealing. I'm just gonna go with it...

I've also met someone, his name is J. The funny thing is that the night I met him, I was going to meet that cute guy from my class. After moving on from PlanA to PlanX after nothing had really gone right, a friend and I ended up at one of our usual bars and that's where we met. He's great, very attentive which I love but is also so new for me. I've never had anyone watching me or have anyone to 'answer to' or 'explain myself' to. Sometimes it feels like I've been wearing a jacket 3X too small and I can't breathe. I get awful anxiety if I'm out of my house for too long or don't know how I will be getting home or have a plan so sometimes when we are together I get really nervous and freak out and just need to leave. I hate it because I can't explain it to him, and I know he takes it personally.

Last night I went out with him and a few of his friends for drinks after my family gathering. I was a bit spacey the whole night, had a lot in my head and had been really nervous about my family party. I told him I wanted to go home and he dropped me off but was distant. I texted him when I was about to go to bed and got the 'do you have a second to talk?' text. Great. Here we go. My heart leaps into my throat, a thousand different versions of how this could go flash in my head, alongside the memories of different variations that have actually happened. He just wanted to make sure I was okay... because I looked upset in the car like I was about to cry and he wanted to know if everything was okay. I let out my breath and then can't decide if it's appropriate to cry or laugh. I want to cry because I've been so conditioned that when anyone wants to 'talk to me' it's alwaysalwaysalways a bad thing. I automatically connect conversations with sadness, resentment, lonliness. And I want to laugh because the whole obsentiy of the situation is actually pretty hilarious. I feel like I am rediculous.

My family hasn't changed much. I have noticed that while I was binging I had little to no paranoia at all. Don't know what that tells us but I'm hoping it's a coincidence, and that the real reasons behind it are that my mom and sister are finally off of my back. Although yesterday my mom noticed I hadn't eaten all day, and made sure to ask me this morning if I ate at my uncles place because I hadn't eaten at all...  My sister and I are really really close now. She's dieting as well and I use 'dieting' loosely because even if she won't admit it I know she's purging and restricting. She's always told me since we were kids that she's been able to puke without hands, she even showed me one time with a piece of lettuce, so she's mostly puking up everything she eats. It's yo-yo dieting because she wants to fit into her dress for Grad. I'm keeping an eye on it and trying to help her as much as I can with keeping healthy, even in dangerous circumstances. But neither of us are talking openly about our eating issues and it needs to stay that way. I'm NOT going to coach my little sister in how to live a disordered life. I'm really hoping after grad she smartens up.

Last but not least, I want to thank every single person who commented or gave a thought to my blog, at any point because it has really meant so much to me. I couldn't tell you how much joy and excitement I get from reading everyone's thoughts and feedback. Thank you, I love each and every one of you beautiful people.

love always,

xoxo