Pizza

I ate an entire pizza yesterday, and didn't purge it. Have I gone insane? Since when is that okay? I was all over the place all day yesterday. Eating pasta and purging, having risotto and purging, have a bagel and purging. Making a pizza and pouring soap on it fresh out of the oven and pimping hot when it lands in the garbage. 3 Hours later making another pizza with white fucking flour because we have no whole wheat. It didn't even make me feel so full that I could bring it back up. I guess my stomach was already so stretched from all of that other shit going in and out. I used only tomato puree and part-skim mozza( 80cal per 1/3 cup), parmesan (50cal per 2 Tbl), and light swiss (25 cal per piece) but the white flour is really bad.

I weighed myself yesterday when I was empty and I was 128.6. Which is an okay number, even though I'm now obviously up from that. I realized something though, I keep wanting J to somehow appreciate the bones coming through, and in actuality I think he will because he "likes thin girls". But this means he won't ever try and make me stop losing weight. He does encourage me to eat when he sees that I haven't eaten anything but doesn't care if I eat a 400cal day. It feeds into my ed and I see it as encouragement, even though I know in my heart if he ever really knew what I was really doing it would break his heart because he loves me. The thinnest he has ever seen me was during our trip to seattle last May I think, I was 124.4. This whole time my goal weight has been 120, I haven't even gotten that low I don't think, close once or twice, but never there. Now I want it to be 113. 13 is my favourite number and I wanted it close to 115 but this gives me a 2lb floating gap to remain in and still feel safe. I want to be 113 when he takes me to meet his family, and for our trip to Punta Cana.

Surprisingly, I've been feeling better about myself. I can see the changes in my body and the shape of my stomach is looking better since I started doing sit ups and crunches again. J has been really sweet and complimenting me a lot. Our anniversary on Sunday was great, the massages were very relaxing and dinner was at a cute hole-in-the-wall italian place. We had fresh burratta cheese (I had maybe 3 Tbl) with roasted veggies, arugala salad with olive oil, lemon juice and parmesan, and a side of roasted brussels sprouts. The only other thing I ate that day was a piece of babybel cheese (60cal) and 1/2 a small banana (50cal). Now that I have clear motivation and a real picture of what I want my body to look like rather than just 'different' or 'thinner' it's much easier to stay on track. I keep picture J and I in his hometown riding in his Uncle's old Bronco and I have to look kick ass in my cut offs and boots, and I need long lean arms for the tank tops and bathing suits.

So today as usual I told myself I would liquid fast; coffee with almond milk, water, cranberry juice, maybe a protein smoothie but thats it. Because even a taste of food could lead to binging. There isn't anything I'm hungry for but perhaps if I fast all day I will have a small dinner. The other half of me says to restrict normally so that I don't binge, or fuck up my metabolism. I don't know which to listen to.

love always,
loveylou

Punta Cana

 It's official, our vacation is booked! J and I will be spending 6 days together in The Dominican Republic!! First we'll be flying across the country to spend a night in Toronto just the two of us because I've never seen it before, then meeting his parents to spend 2 days in his hometown. I'm a bundle of energy right now...

excitednervousanxiousworried.

First, we're using a free voucher we received from our vacation to Cabo San Lucas but I still really should not be spending money on travel... Second, I feel like I might have pressured him to take me home, we had a bit of a spat about it a few weeks ago when I jokingly made a comment that I'd never meet them and when I insisted that I wasn't mad about it he got even more frustrated, like he wanted to get a reaction out of me? But now we'll be living with them for 2 days, and he's from a very small farm town and his family is fairly conservative with a very religious background.  I'm actually mostly nervous about my food selection however. Because usually my answer would just be to not eat anything and insist that I'm just not hungry and that I generally have a small appetite and make up excuses about eating before etc. However his mother is a nurse, and when J first told her that I was a vegetarian her first response was, "Oh, are you sure she's not anorexic?" It took my breath away when he told me, it was the day we first told each other 'I love you'. I got upset about it and pretended to be insulted to cover my fear. Since then he's made a few other comments with the A word but I've fended them off. I worry that I'll HAVE to eat big family meals 3 times a day right before going on a vacation where I"ll be in a bikini all day and hate myself. I'm assuming there will be at least 1 big family get together to introduce me (they had lots of questions for J when he went home at Christmas) but I'll have to find sneaky ways to get around calorie consumption.

Obviously I'm also quite nervous to meet his parents. When he met my family, we had been dating for a few months and it was my birthday dinner at my grandparents. But it's a little more intimidating to live with them, after we've been dating for a year. The good news is, I'm using this nervous energy to focus into dieting. That, and the idea of me in a bikini. My only pre-emptive strategy here is to loose so much weight that even if I have to eat with J's family, I'll still be low enough to be happy. Realistically, I know a gain will destroy me but I have to prepare for it.

It doesn't help that I binged yesterday either. I planned on having 1 cup whole wheat pasta with home made tomato sauce, roasted red pepper and veggie grounds but I purged that and then the cycle started. I even made a pizza which I purged as well. I was lazy and exhausted like the shit I am and consumed 2 granola bars @ 160cal/ea, chocolate @ 350cal, toast with peanut butter and butter with jam @400cal,  grapes @ 300cal, orange @ 100cal, tofu chickn patty w/ sweet chilli sauce @ 220cal 2 bananas @ 200cal, holy fuck... I had already eaten my spinach and mozza omlette @175cal and a bowl of strawberries @150cal... I don't want to do the math thats 2,215cal... considering my memory lets say 2,500cal. Fuck me. Today I'm going to eat very small meals, and space them far apart and then start planning tomorrow to keep me focused. All I've had is my coffee with almond milk @45cal and I want to do some ab and leg work, maybe even a walk in the rain.

love always,
loveylou

I'm Living on Such Sweet Nothing

Last week, J and I got to spend more time together than usual, spread out during the week which made it easier to keep my intake under control. I can never binge or eat anything bad in front of him, or if I know I will be seeing him soon. I need to maintain a certain image. Thursday he came over for a Valentines Day dinner with a dozen red roses, and all I'd eaten that day was coffee and a pomegranate. I felt great. I made tofu steaks with spinach salad, roasted potato wedges (which I had 2 =1/4 small potato) with sauteed green beans and mushrooms. Kept my wine to a minimum and didn't binge later on because I felt like I'd actually been eating throughout the day thanks to a caffeine. As he was leaving he kissed me and held my face in his hands and said, 'It may have taken me 27 years, but I finally found You'. I go weak in the knees, seriously. The next morning I woke up and felt blissfully empty. Once you taste the feeling of starvation theres no turning back, its worse than crack. So I fasted all day, until I knew I had a girls night. We got take out sushi from our favourite little hole-in-the-wall place, opened up a few bottles of wine given to me by my Grandfather, and rolled a few joints. I had a veggie roll, an avocado roll, and a yam roll. I shouldn't have had the yam roll, I was being really easy on myself. It seems whenever I stray even the slightest bit (like shouldn't I have gotten a cucumber roll and a miso soup?!) then I'm fucked. Midnight rolled around and the munchies kicked in so we made chocolate chip cookies, with real butter, and high quality chocolate. I ate at least 7 or 8 of them, but drank a ton of water. My stomach finally felt like I was going to explode and the anxiety of the fat sticking to me became too much. I went straight home and purged until I felt empty and saw some of the sushi, then straight to bed.

On Valentines Day I wore a beautiful backless halter chiffon dress in dark plum that meant I couldn't wear a bra. I felt so naked and J just kept hugging me the whole night and I know he was feeling all the bones in my back, gently kissing down my spine as I try to focus on the stove. He kept grabbing my ass and hip bones with his hands, because now they both can fit in his strong hands. I hated myself for thinking this but it just appeared in my mind, and I smiled at the thought...

"Now I know for sure he truly loves me, because I am thin..."

Saturday I did some cleaning, which was great excercise and uses muscles I don't normally use. My house is very narrow and 3 floors so I end up doing at least 20 sets of stairs a day, great for your ass. Had lots of coffee and then finally a banana just before going to J's. We made a veggie quinoa stirfry with this sweet chilli sauce that has 5cals per Tbl and is fantastic! There are only 5 ingredients and they are all natural its this UFW brand. I did have 3 glasses of white wine that night but I wanted something to help me relax. Yesterday I had cantaloupe for breakfast, baby carrot sticks for lunch, and a salad of cherry tomatoes, yellow pepper, spinach, cucumber in EVOO with balsamic vinegar and chopped basil and minced roasted garlic. Pineapple was for dessert and I realized, 'All I've eaten today are fruits and vegetables!!" So when I came home I had a banana and today I don't even want to eat. I have my regular latte with 1 cup almond milk (40cal) and splenda and I want to make my spinach and mozza omlette with egg beaters but I don't think I'll really eat it until 4:00 or so. I keep lookng down at how my arms are shaped and the way my wrist bones just out and how I can feel my ribs when I wrap my arms around myself and how bony my knees look and the gap that gets wider between my thighs. It's improvement, but not perfection.

love always,

loveylou

All Decked Out

Tonights finally his birthday and I'm incredibly nervous. I carefully chose the restaurant, scoping the menu for things he would like and atmospheres he enjoys; scoured the internet for days looking for a specific motorcycle figurine he admires, shipping it in from Europe since it's a limited collectors item; travelled to a friends house in a desperate attempt to find anything that would hide the indecency that is my body and finding a darling sweetheart cream lace a-line dress that looks sophisticatedly sweet with a fitted blazer and pumps; did my eyebrows and gave myself a facial, manicure, and a tan.... But I have this sinking feeling that something is going to go wrong. The restaurant I chose is great for him, lots of different meat options from ostritch to bison to alaskan cod, and the only veggie option is a mushroom risotto which is no way will I eat. So a starter salad with a side of veggies is what I'll have! Then back to his place for champagne and celebrations...

So far I'm 1 day without purging. Yesterday was a fantastic day spent in the sunshine with my best friends. Started when Tina woke me up and took me to this cute cafe for breakfast. I had a whole grain english muffin with avocado, tomato and hard boiled egg with a side of fruit and lots of coffee. Then we walked along the beach for a few hours and met up with a few other girlfriends and relaxed. I didn't eat until I came home at 8, which was green rice. (whole grain rice with edamame, peas, and spinach with soy sauce) So far today I had a lot of coffee with almond milk, a small spinach salad with onion, pepper and cucumber with vinegar, and 2 tofu chick'n patties which totals about 500 cals. I will have champagne tonight but I've accepted it. Tomorrow I'll keep busy getting across town back home, with lots of excercise so hopefully I can make it 3 days without purging. My heart really needs the break. Randomly at times it just speeds up really really quickly and I'm short of breath. It doesn't hurt, sometimes when I'm stressed it hurts and feels like something is being squeezed tightly but this is different.

love always,
loveylou