I hate this, I fucking hate this. After everything he has fucking done to me, he can still bring me to tears, because I miss him. God I wish he was different, I wish so bad things were different. I wish he wasn't who he is, and that I could trust him and have a relationship with my father. I wish I could have a dad again. It's fathers day and I've forgotten what it feels like to have a father. And I can't help but wonder if I ever will remember. I hate this so much. I'm so angry at myself for feeling this way, I don't know how to help myself. It's not like I can just go up to him and tell him that. It makes me weak, it makes me pathetic. Don't bother telling me I'm human and that we have emotions, I know that. But if I become any more weaker and decide to somehow get enough courage to somehow try and change how things are, then Pandora's box is officially opened. I would be living in constant fear, all over again. Not knowing what will set him off, not knowing his tells anymore, because he's changed them all now. Not knowing how he will react, or what is real, what is fake, what he means and what he is doing just for show. The words in his birthday card were just too much. I really really can't take this anymore. Part of me worries that he will charm J, just like he does everybody. Even though I've told him many stories, charisma is a powerful thing. And they are just so damn alike it kills me. Because when I'm with J, I look at him and see all the good I once knew in my dad, the things I had forgotten to miss. The way he walks, his laugh, his mannerisms and sense of humour and sheer utter oblivion. I'd pushed anything positive about him out of my mind because I couldn't cope. He was evil, pure evil. He can't be part bad, part good, or that leaves too much margin for the unknown. It needs to be black and white. But who will walk me down the aisle? Your father is supposed to be the first man in your life who protects you, who teaches you that you are worth protecting and instead mine just attacked me for years. It seem so unfair. I fucking hate it. J knew something was wrong before he left. I told him to go, even though I couldn't even unwrap my arms from him. He knew. The second I locked the door behind him I burst into tears. Quiet, breathless tears, and then uncontrollable low-growling sobs of hysteria: the sounds of breaking down. I'm all alone until tomorrow night. I have 2 really important job interviews tomorrow morning. I have zero confidence, no idea what to wear, no motivation to get myself across town, and I hate myself for being like this.
The only thing worse than wondering if I can forgive him, is living every day wondering if I really know who he is.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Characters
I'm never really sure how to start these posts. Sometimes they feel like a diary, sometimes like a collection of memories begging not to be forgotten. Other time's it's a medical chart of hieroglyphics desperately trying to be understood.
My mind keeps changing and I don't know who to be anymore. Things are getting harder to keep track of and sometimes it feels like my mind is splitting. Like I'm trying to be too many characters in one day, but it gets confusing. Who I am with my family, who I am with my friends, who I am with my boyfriend. Boyfriend. Now theres a funny word. I've had lots of boy friends, but it's hard to say who even those I've been romantic with have been my boyfriend. I don't really know who to be or how to act anymore and I can tell its frustrating the people around me. I need at least an hour alone before meeting anyone to prepare myself, get into character. I smoke pot to relieve my nerves, and combine them with caffeine pills for the energy and mood boost. How much longer can I go on like this? J tells me he worries because I don't sleep at night at his place, I don't know what to do about that. He worries, and it bothers him, and that bothers me. I couldn't care less about my REM cycle, except that I feel like crap all day long.
Tonight is my birthday party, I've been starving all week in preparation. But my friends that are gathering tonight all love a different girl, all me, all different. It's all crashing together and it's dizzying. Andrew was supposed to come, but he isn't anymore, probably for the best. But thinking back on it now, having him there would immediately put me at ease, followed by panic, I'm sure. J knows nothing about him and I'd like to keep it that way, fresh and clean. But when I see Andrew something like a reset button gets pushed. When I see J it's like I can breathe again, like I can relax. But I catch myself at times getting too caught up with wanting to take care of him, and please him, and impress him. I want to be the best for him, and in some sense I can see the greatness of that. He gives me motivation, something I seriously lack. He fills that gap. And I show him how to enjoy life, he can be so serious sometimes. He's told me that he thinks I am good for him. I think we are good for each other.
It's scary, opening up to another person. Especially one I have only known for 3 months. I don't even talk to friends I've known my entire life like I do with him. It's a lot of trust for me, and I don't know how to put that in perspective for him without making myself sound like a lunatic. I hide details because I hate how they sound out loud, because I don't want to be that girl. Sunday is my family dinner for my birthday, on my dads side of the family. My sister and mother are gone all weekend, so it will just be my grandparents, father and Claire, my uncle, me and J. He has heard the stories about my father, the memories that play on a loop when I close my eyes. The constant fear and panic I try and push aside when I need to relax. I worry about what might happen at dinner. J got really upset when I told him the story about the glass. I just need things to go smoothly.
All I think about are all these worries, and food. Numbers and portions and food groups and nutrients it's easier to focus on those simple emotionless subjects than on the complications of my personal life. It's a distraction, fed into by my highly avoidant personality.
Here we go.
My mind keeps changing and I don't know who to be anymore. Things are getting harder to keep track of and sometimes it feels like my mind is splitting. Like I'm trying to be too many characters in one day, but it gets confusing. Who I am with my family, who I am with my friends, who I am with my boyfriend. Boyfriend. Now theres a funny word. I've had lots of boy friends, but it's hard to say who even those I've been romantic with have been my boyfriend. I don't really know who to be or how to act anymore and I can tell its frustrating the people around me. I need at least an hour alone before meeting anyone to prepare myself, get into character. I smoke pot to relieve my nerves, and combine them with caffeine pills for the energy and mood boost. How much longer can I go on like this? J tells me he worries because I don't sleep at night at his place, I don't know what to do about that. He worries, and it bothers him, and that bothers me. I couldn't care less about my REM cycle, except that I feel like crap all day long.
Tonight is my birthday party, I've been starving all week in preparation. But my friends that are gathering tonight all love a different girl, all me, all different. It's all crashing together and it's dizzying. Andrew was supposed to come, but he isn't anymore, probably for the best. But thinking back on it now, having him there would immediately put me at ease, followed by panic, I'm sure. J knows nothing about him and I'd like to keep it that way, fresh and clean. But when I see Andrew something like a reset button gets pushed. When I see J it's like I can breathe again, like I can relax. But I catch myself at times getting too caught up with wanting to take care of him, and please him, and impress him. I want to be the best for him, and in some sense I can see the greatness of that. He gives me motivation, something I seriously lack. He fills that gap. And I show him how to enjoy life, he can be so serious sometimes. He's told me that he thinks I am good for him. I think we are good for each other.
It's scary, opening up to another person. Especially one I have only known for 3 months. I don't even talk to friends I've known my entire life like I do with him. It's a lot of trust for me, and I don't know how to put that in perspective for him without making myself sound like a lunatic. I hide details because I hate how they sound out loud, because I don't want to be that girl. Sunday is my family dinner for my birthday, on my dads side of the family. My sister and mother are gone all weekend, so it will just be my grandparents, father and Claire, my uncle, me and J. He has heard the stories about my father, the memories that play on a loop when I close my eyes. The constant fear and panic I try and push aside when I need to relax. I worry about what might happen at dinner. J got really upset when I told him the story about the glass. I just need things to go smoothly.
All I think about are all these worries, and food. Numbers and portions and food groups and nutrients it's easier to focus on those simple emotionless subjects than on the complications of my personal life. It's a distraction, fed into by my highly avoidant personality.
Here we go.
love always,
xoxo
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