will be deleting blog, please read

so the suspicions i had were right all along... tonight I finally had proof that my sister was snooping through my shit, and so I can no longer assume that this blog is safe. I wish I could give up blogging all together, but you guys make me so happy that I can't bear leaving you all.

Please either comment on this post, or message me if you would like to keep up still! and I'll message you each back individually with the name of my new blog so we can still keep in contact. The new blog will be created if not tomorrow then within the end of the week.

I'm sorry for all the hassle, but I just cannot STAND the thought of someone reading this without my permission. These posts are my diary, my inner most thoughts and the fact that people in my house are malicious and manipulative enough to go through my things, makes me feel sick.

I can't trust anyone.
I should have known better.
Things just got a whole lot more fucked up.
I hope your ready for what you asked for.

love always,

xoxo

Golden Baby

Last night I had more than I should have... fucking peanut butter gets me every time! I did purge but hardly anything came back up. I've been too scared to weigh in, especially since how erratic my weight has been the last few days. I know if I see anything in the 130's I'll cry. I did burn 500cals on the elliptical, plus 200 crunches, hopefully that'll count for something.



Today's looked like:
Omelette with light laughing cow cheese, onion, spinach & mushrooms
170cals
2 bell peppers and 1/4 cup of fat free cottage cheese w/ hot sauce
95cals
Total: 265cals
Burned: 100cals - elliptical
75 jumping jacks
25 knee highs
and I plan on doing at least 100 crunches tonight

Onto more exciting things! Today I went to class, and that cute guy I've been eyeing all semester invited me to his show on saturday! He said he's only performing for one track that he was featured on, and I was so tongue tied and flustered that I couldn't think to ask him anything about it or um, HELLO get his number? He winked at me when he gave me the little flyer, and I noticed that he only gave one to me, and the guy he's sat next to all semester. I know that the class I have with him is his only class of the day, which means he took the time to make sure he brought them with him to class to give to me and his buddy, which I think is a good sign. He also winked at me when he gave it to me, fuck why is he so god damn cute!

So, needless to say, I need to be downdowndown so I can look my absolute best for the show. I'm going to wear my new black dress that shows off my legs, and has a plunging slit neckline. It's the perfect amount of subtle, demure sexy, that I'll pair with my suede peep-toe stiletto's from Italy. He can eat his heart out!!

Also, my left foot has been bothering me all day, I'm keeping an eye out because I know how common stress-fractures are, especially with repetitive motion - like using the elliptical everyday? haha ohhh boy... hopefully it's nothing, I worked out a bit earlier and it was okay. If I can't excercise I will probably go crazy, I get antsy if I haven't done anything, I feel so unproductive and useless. Literally useless- like I cannot do anything.

love always,

xoxo

Rumour Has It

CW: 127.3 (still)

Intake: Omlette (3/4 cup egg beaters 90cals, 2 slices light laughing cow cheese 45cals, 1/4 cup sliced mushrooms 10cals, 1/2 cup spinach 15cals) Total: 160cals

1/2 cup fat free cottage cheese 90cals with hot sauce 10cals and bell peppers 30cals Total: 130cals

So far that puts my intake at 210cals, but I'm aware that I'll probably have a snack before bed, maybe some more ffcc & yogurt 80cals, which would still keep me below 300, yay!

Exercise: 500cals burned on elliptical

+ 100 crunches

I really think I need to start switching up my work out routine, I'm hitting a plateau here, I think I've found my 'Set Weight' at 128 pounds, I keep bouncing around there. My body is fighting me now, it's become comfortable with the same list of foods I put in it and working out the same muscles. I try and vary the times I'm working out to help shock my body but it's becoming a challenge since I still try and keep it from my family.

Any good work out video's you guys would recommend? :) I think I might try a combo of these:

 

That being said, my shopping trip yesterday was so much fun! I was pretty nervous, there was a lot of uncertainty - no safe foods, eating in public, getting naked repeatedly to try on clothes (even in private was hard). I needed new jeans, and bought a gorgeous pair of white jeans in a size 26 and they were quite loose around my hips, I could pull out the waist about an inch. The 24's were too tight, and I thought about buying them to motivate myself but then I had this image of me spilling over and busting out of white jeans and it grossed me out too much. I got lots of other cute stuff, 2 maxi skirts, a pair of cute ankle boots that are going to look adorable with jean cutoffs, a GORGEOUS Rachel Roy Dress (mine is in black and is an XS so it fits really nicely)that I am planning on wearing this friday to K*'s birthday. We've been in a fight for the last few weeks (she slept with the guy I sorta liked, and she knew it, and then hid it from me for months) plus I've been so antisocial that I feel like it's going to be awkward. I've lost the fighter in me though, I don't have the energy to stand up for myself, I just let it slid by and told her we'd leave it in the past. That being said, I'm not going to go out of my way to make sure I don't upstage her on her birthday. Oops ;)

Lately I haven't had the patience for people. Just getting me out of the house is a challenge, and I practically applaud myself if I spend time with people or in public when I don't want to. Sometimes I forget what the sound of my voice is like because I've been quiet for so long. Sometimes I'll notice that I haven't even opened my mouth, like let my lips part, for hours. Do you guys ever notice strange behaviours that aren't directly ed related, but most likely stem from it?

love always,

xoxo

I'll Leave You, Without A Word

So things are starting to shape up a bit! I don't know what was going on earlier, it must have been water retention or something but when I weighed myself a few hours later I had dropped back to 128.8. This morning when I was completely empty I weighed in at 127.4 which I will gladly embrace! My next goal is to see 119.  I don't know why but I have this obsession with 9's. When I work out on the elliptical, before I can take a break I always have to get my calorie count to the 99 of whatever number I am on. Most of my safe foods are in 90 calorie categories, and my UGW is 99. Don't know why.

Today I've been good, and bad a bit.
Last night I ate more than I should, when I was high of course. Just lots of my safe foods but it felt like too much so I purged. Same thing happened tonight. At least it's out of my system.
I worked out and burned 700 cals in cardio on the elliptical
Intake:
1/2 cup fat free cottage cheese: 90cals
Franks Red Hot Sauce: 10cals
3 Peppers: 60 cals
ChocoBanana Kale Protein Smoothie: 250cals
lots and lots of yogurt and pudding and a veggie sandwich and almonds


But the funniest thing happened, I was eating cottage cheese mixed with yogurt and a handful of almonds, probably totalling around 300cals and Andrew popped up on facebook chat. I smiled to myself because earlier, I had uploaded a new profile picture and in it you can dramatically see the weight I've lost, but not enough to cause worry. As if I'm even there yet. I had a mini photo-shoot with myself today when I came home from class. I had gotten all dolled up for the cute guy, R* who never even came to class, so I took a few pictures to inspire myself.
Here's one of my favourites (yes this is me)

Anyways, as soon as he said hey, I put the spoon down, threw the rest of the snack away and started doing crunches. Like mechanically, 100 crunches, obliques, pushups, hip-raisers. I feel better now. He tried to flirt with me a little, and I smiled to myself, "Thank God, I still know you. I knew you couldn't help yourself."

Tomorrow I'm spending the whole day with my mom and sister on a road trip to do some shopping. Which means I'll be watched during meal times for breakfast and lunch. We'll head to starbucks for breakfast on our way so I can get away with just a coffee and splenda, and either a mixed fruit salad (80cals) or a yogurt parfait (300 cals) with the granola, which I wouldn't eat so that should make the parfait around 150cals just to be safe. We'll be home before dinner so I'll be around my safe foods at least.

love, xoxo

Frustrated

It's official! I no longer understand my body! Maybe it has no idea what it's doing either, but I am grasping at straws to understand how this can happen!

Thursday: barely exercised, 100 cals on the elliptical +100 crunches, 20 pushups, and 40 hip-raisers, and kept intake to around 200-300cals
Weighed in at 125 (low!)
Friday: burned 200 cals on the elliptical, + 250 crunches, 20 hip raisers, kept intake to around 400cals
Weighed in at 127 (wtf?)
Saturday: burned 500 cals on the elliptical, + 200 crunches, 40 hip raisers, intake was around 500 + a fruit binge? (just keeping with the odd theme I suppose? half a cantaloupe, half a bag of grapes, a small carton of blackberries)
didn't weigh in
Sunday: Just weighed in at 131


HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!?! Sure, my intake's increased but I've been burning it off and everything that I have been eating is safe! I hardly eat anything other than fruits and veggies, I am a vegetarian and I watch my protein intake carefully, I plan my meals around my work outs for optimal digestion, I take a multi-vitamin every day, along with various other supplements including calcium and potassium. I really don't get it. If I was maintaining I might be okay with this, but I'm actually GAINING weight!!

Possible explanations:
- the fruit I ate last night is weighing me down
(even though I weighed in after a BM?)
- my scale is broken
(even though it's only a few weeks old? it was super cheap)
- muscle weighs more than fat
(HA but I have waaay too much fat still so why would my body do that?)
- I was completely empty when I was seeing my low weights and now that my intake is upped the food is still being digested?

The weird thing is I can't SEE the weight on me. My body still looks the same to me, more toned maybe.

Whatever.

So today is Sunday, and I'm going to be water fasting all day. I think I'm going to add this into my weekly routine. I like the idea of cleaning yourself for a fresh new week. A restart. Plus it'll give my body a chance to figure out what the fuck it's doing and get on board.

love always,

xoxo

We are the Reckless, Wild Youth

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

Setting fire to our insides for fun...

Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

The lovers that went wrong

We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones

Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.

We're setting fire to our insides for fun...

Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home, 

It was a flood that wrecked this... 

... and you caused it.

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silouhette, 

A lifeless face that you'll soon forget, 

My eyes are damp from the words you left, 

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one, 

'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.

Setting fire to our insides for fun,

To distract our hearts from ever missing them.

But I'm forever missing him.

"The Youth" - Daughter

Anomie

Anomie: a state one finds themselves when the expectations placed upon them are unknown

It's something we've been talking about in my Sociology class, it's classified as a state of feeling that humans appreciated when our society moved from mechanical to organic solidarity, basically when the caveman became a modern day citizen, in a generic not-so-many-words, definition.

This seems to be what I've been feeling lately. I spent the last 4 days binging, after coming off of my fast, from binging. I feel hopeless, lost, unguided, strange, unfamiliar and so so confused. I have no idea what to do with myself, I'm just scared of everything.

I'm scared of food. I ate so much, and bad bad bad stuff, really bad stuff, and a lot of it. It's all I can think of, I literally see the foods I ate with legs chasing me, trying to stick to my body with velcro and the only thing I can think of doing is exercising. Keep moving, don't stop or it will catch you.
So I burnt over 1200 calories on the elliptical this afternoon before my mom came home from work.

It's not enough. I stepped on the scale and it said 138.6 and its taking everything inside of me to not drag a knife across my arms right now. Everything is all wrong, this isn't supposed to happen.
No one's supposed to make me do anything, make me eat.
I'm supposed to starve, because that's what I deserve.
I'm supposed to be thin, it's what I'm meant for.
He's supposed to fall back in love with me.
I'm supposed to be this entirely different person.
And I can't figure out where everything fell apart.

I'm horribly depressed, today was the first actual 'day' it feels like. All I've done lately is lie in bed like a tub of lard and eat, in bed. Like some invalid, with no strength.

Longer and longer my list grows, of everything I keep putting off and it's become this big scary monster I'm afraid to face. I literally feel like a child hiding in the corner right now.

I haven't eaten today, yet. I don't know if I will. It all feels so unsafe. I'm home alone for the rest of the night so it's easy to get away with. I want to keep working out, I want to punish myself, I want to be in pain. I need to feel the pain.

I don't even know what's supposed to be considered 'normal' anymore. Last night my mom organized an actual sit down dinner for my sister and I, and even though I was in binge-mode I stuck to about 1/4 cup of veggies and 1 fake-chicken strip. I just couldn't eat in front of my own family, I knew either way I was going to be judged and I didn't want them to think I was fat. So I only ate a little, waited until mom went to bed and then made my typical 6-7 trips into the kitchen to eat. I hate myself.

I really really need to stop tearing myself down. It's feeding into itself and becoming such a big problem. I've booked myself an appointment with my GP and I'm going to talk to him about getting diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm terrified to even go into the office, I know I'm playing with fire here. I don't want to let on too much, but I know I fit the criteria 100%. The problem this is becoming is with this damn public speaking class I can't seem to face. Even when I talk to Andrew about it, which has honestly been the biggest help, it terrifies me. It's irrational, I know it, he's told me how chill the class is, everyone there seems nice, there should be no problem. I just seem to have the undeniable feeling that every time I stand up and walk to the front of the class everyone is looking at me, and I'm all wrong. I don't know how to be 'normal' anymore. I feel like I'm so fucked up that the littlest things I do are weird and wrong and everyones noticing and thinking it, and those girls there who are laughing are laughing at me, and everyone thinks I'm fat, and my thighs are too big, and my outfit is weird and every little part of me is all wrong.

I know he'll probably recommend me to a therapist of some sort if I divulge too much information. So I'm mentally categorizing what is 'safe' and what is 'unsafe' so that I can keep certain disordered parts of me off limits. Ideally, I'd walk out of the office with a prescription for anti-anxiety medication, (which will further fuel my cycle-analyzation of how I am slowly turning into my uncle/father but that's a whole other chapter of crazy) worst case scenario he recommends me to a talk-doctor of some sort who is better equipped to diagnose me and recommend treatment. If he does this, I've decided it would be safe to go to 1 session, see what she thinks, and then re-evaluate. I can't keep hiding in bed for a week at a time, I don't want that to be my life. But I don't know how to help myself.

The thing is, I'm doing this to be happy. But I won't be happy until I'm thin, and this happy person I'm trying to bring back out, is thin, in my mind. I have no desire to seek recovery or treatment for my ed, I just need a little bit of help treating it's symptoms. Sure, call it a band-aid, whatever, I don't care if it's not helping me in the long run. I just know that right now, this, is not working.

Scared

To start off, I ended my fast yesterday. I was in a strange head space all day, just felt... unguided. Normally I have a plan, all my food is pre-chosen and I know what expected, I know what my expectations are. I thoroughly loved every second I felt hungry, but eventually I saw myself reaching a point of exhaustion and having this one secret exposed. Translate: I got scared.

I was scared of not eating, but I was scared of food. I spent hours online looking up food recipes best for 'coming off a fast' but in the end I did what I wanted anyways.
Started with a Shirataki noodle dish I made, which had maybe 70 cals at most. I separated the serving into 2 and ate slow, trying not to bolt into the bathroom when the weight of what I was putting into my body hit me mentally and not just physically. First few bites felt okay, so I went and had the rest. Then a bowl of broccoli soup, 90cals, and I put grapes in the freezer for later. I made a 'crema' which I will be posting the recipe for in Dina, you can check it out here, 200cals - gone. It all felt okay in my stomach, I didn't feel bloated, I ate slow. But I didn't trust it in my body. Back out it came. Then downstairs for caramel pinkberry my sister had gotten, half a container, 400cals, back out it came. I got all the way down to the noodle dish. Then back for another cup of broccoli soup, then cottage cheese with bell peppers, more grapes. I let those last 3 items sit in my stomach and mentally urged my body to stay in bed instead of running to the toilet.

"The soup will just slide through you, plus it's a vegetable and easily absorbed"
"You need the protein, you hardly even eat real dairy as it is, maybe you've turned lactose-intolerant now and everything will just come right out"
"Grapes are mostly water weight, they will push everything right through you"
"It will be okay, It will be okay, It will be okay, Try not to panic"

So today I'm left even more, unguided, than I felt yesterday. I didn't go on the elliptical yesterday, the thought exhausted me. But my mom asked me to go for a walk with her on this beautiful scenic route we do right along the ocean tide, just over 4kms. I could feel my body rocking side to side with each step, mentally willing my eye lids to stay open, my eyes to focus, my feet to keep moving, to stay balanced, walk in rhythm with the tide, keep up the pace, don't drag your feet.

I just worked off 500cals on the elliptical while watching 'The Biggest Loser".  That's a new record for me for one straight session. Watching tv while working out is one of the best things to keep you going, total distraction and watching this show in particular gave me more strength I thought I had.
"Look how hard they are working themselves, you're better than them, you can do more, prove it."


So that makes up for the 10 mins I was supposed to do yesterday, I stayed on the machine for an hour so I feel accomplished. But food just seems too unsafe right now. I forced myself to have some oatmeal, 110cals, this morning to try and jump start my metabolism and get things going, but it felt wrong somehow.
"It's a carb, carbs are bad bad bad, you know this. Plus first thing in the morning? Great all of it will just be absorbed as fat, because that's what you are and your body knows it! fatfatfat"
The comforting fact that I burned it all off, and then some, is what's keeping me grounded right now.

The other new problem that's arisen is not just what I am eating, but when. Normally I time my meals. This is great for when I'm mid-binge because I'll say 'yes' to a certain food that isn't safe, but by making myself wait an hour, or 45mins helps me slow down and think about what I'm doing. I spread out all my meals throughout the day, not letting myself go up to start cooking until, X o'clock. Trying to listen to my body for when I'm the most hungry, avoiding food all together when I feel a binge coming on. Now my body is all over the map in a way, or maybe that's just my brain. Nothing feels safe, nothing is optimal, nothing is good.
"When should I eat the cottage cheese? It's dairy so you don't want it to curdle, it will be harder on your body so maybe in the middle of the day? But it's so heavy, don't eat it at all. You'll feel too full. Maybe just half a serving? No, you'll know you'll want more and that could lead to a binge, no no, far too dangerous. Let's sit and think about this"
Every decision, every bite, every morsel is carefully thought out.

I also still don't have a scale and it is driving me bonkers not knowing what my body is worth. Because isn't that the point of weighing in? It wouldn't be hard for me to get one at all, I found a few cheap ones at a local chain 1 bus ride away, but I haven't gone. Translation: I'm scared.


"What if someone see's me buying a scale, with all the weight I've lost they're sure to put two and two together"
"Everyone will stare at you, waiting in line at the check-out aisle with your embarrassingly large weight-watchers scale, who does she think she is? She doesn't need that/Thank God she's come to her senses and doing something about her body"


I just don't want to be noticed. Anytime I make a move to go get food in front of my family I just know they are going to make a comment about it.


"That's all you're eating?"
"What are you making?"
"What did you make, that looks good, yumm!"


All it makes me want to do is shove my fist down my esophagus and fling all of my vomit of this 'food that looks so yummy' back onto the floor in front of their feet.. but I don't, because that would be weird.

The more time I spend with my family the more my over-analytical mind computes the smallest details into ed-related issues. My sister makes a sandwich and elaborates for 15 minutes about how great each ingredient looks, and how excited she is to eat her sandwich.
"Fan-fucking-tastic, why don't you shut the fuck up, get the fuck out, eat your damn sandwich in silence and without bothering anyone else. We both know you will just puke it back up in 5 minutes anyway, but you have no idea that I know this, so I'll just stare at you"


I pull out my noodle dish from the fridge, try a few bites standing in the kitchen, sneak a glance at my mom who pretends not to be watching me with a smile on her lips. Each time I look over she glances away, curiosity about what I've decided I can eat, what is it, is it enough food, how can she encourage me to eat more similar foods.
"I can see you watching me, I know this is weird. Don't say anything, pretend I'm not here. Get out. Stop talking about my food, the reason I seem to dis-interested is because I don't want to talk about it!"


My grandpa calls me and leaves me a message wanting to see me, inviting me out for lunch. He tells me that they are making greek salad, just tomatoes, cucumbers, feta, and onions, really healthy it'd be great if you came, we all want to see you.
Translate: Your dad told everyone you have eating issues so if your worried I'm going to make you eat shit when your with me your wrong, look it's healthy food, you can do this! Now you have no excuse not to spend time with me, you selfish brat. I just want to get you here so I can tell you that if you want to get away with eating nothing at dinner with us, fine, but keep your fucking mouth shut then. You don't get to have opinions, you're a girl. You have to listen to what your father tells you, he's the head of the family, he makes the decisions, you have to respect them. Be nice to Claire, and for God's sake, eat something.
"Oh, you'd love that wouldn't you? So I can be fat like the rest of you right? You keep thinking that this is the right path to walk down to manipulate me into getting what you want, go ahead. I'm going to continue shoving my food into my napkin at the table while making sly remarks about the border line of pedophilia my father is walking :)"


I want to be able to work and live within the scope of my ed. I want to use the traits it gives me in my life for positivity. This is the only real aspect of my life in which I produce such self-discipline, whereas most, if not all aspects, I can't seem to care about. I want to take the structure I give myself every day and channel it into the parts of my life that are in chaos. I want my ed to teach me how to live better, I want to be the best I can be, with it. I feel like a completely different person when my mind races around numbers and portions and excercise, someone I can enjoy, someone to be proud of, maybe, just maybe. I won't deserve the great things I want, unless I earn them. This is the cost of everything I want, and if I'm willing to work and pay for them then nothing is in my way.

So here I am trying to understand all of this, my brain computing caloric algorithms into real-life behavioural solutions. Trying to take the actions from one world into having merit in the other. Making my decisions from one reality into consequences in the other. Desperately trying to grasp control in both, taking the 80 card deck I've been dealt into a winning poker hand, or a solid house pyramid, or into perfect pairs. Instead they're all on the floor and I'm too afraid to pick them up, unsure of which each card is, what it means, until I turn it over and then it's too late.

"It will all be okay, because tomorrow I will be smaller..."

Love always,

xoxo

Day 5 updates

Day 5, of what I will no longer be calling a 'fast', for the pure reason of keeping terminology sacred in some sense. Fasting indicates nothing but water, and this is not what I'm doing. My ed has warped it's own rules for reasons that will only (barely) make sense in my warped brain. I'm consuming water, diet soda, vegetable broth, almond milk, crystal light, coffee and tea, as well as mints, gum and candy. The last one is absolutely retarded- why I feel it's safe to eat pure sugar? - because it's just that. I know I can burn it off, I know it will give me energy. And if you can move past the sexual innuendo I'm about to present you with: I like being able to have something sit in my mouth, and suck on.

I can fool my brain into thinking it's being fed under these conditions. The gum imitates chewing, the candy provides flavour and the idea that something solid is being consumed, while the mass amounts of liquids makes my stomach think it's full.

Foolproof right? I feel on top of the world right now, the clarity and increase in focus has hit me full throttle. Though clearly my 'scientific' approach won't follow through, I'm loosing and nothing else matters. I'm still making sure to take my multi-vitamin every day, as well I just picked up a bottle of calcium and potassium supplements to ensure that my electrolyte levels stay relatively normal and off put hypokalemia, and osteoporosis. Osteoporosis is really something I need to watch out for due to a hyperthyroid condition I was diagnosed with as a teen. That was one of the ways I used to keep my weight in check in high school, because I had hyperthyroidism, my body was in constant over drive. My metabolism sky rocketed, making me hungry all the time, and I could literally eat anything, not purge, and loose weight. I remember at one point I dropped from a US size 6 to a 4 without even trying in a week. I would purposefully skip my medication because they made me feel...slow. Mentally, physically, and it would stop me from loosing weight. I realized quickly that if I combined dieting with skipping my pills I could loose faster, and if I stopped eating all together I could loose more. My heart rate was increased so high that my resting rate was well over 200, so my body was in excercise mode all day long, even if I was just sitting on the couch. Sometimes my heart would beat so fast that it made me sick, like when you over excercise and vomit. Eventually I was vomiting so much (involuntarily- I might add, though at this point I was restricting to the point of less than 200cals a day) my doctor whispered the B word to my mom... I fought tooth and nail that I was fine, even when she found the hoodia hidden in the back of my closet. She dropped it. So this puts my family in the category of 'not never having suspicions of an ed, but not really subscribing to the idea that me, their daughter, their sister, their friend, me, is sick'

Which is why I need to be super careful now.
Which is why I think they all know, and are too cowardly to say anything.
But I'm so glad they aren't. I can't handle not having this, this is all I have now. Without it, my world is chaos and I will not be able to do anything. If I fail this - I will fail everything - I know that as truth.

I was dying to weigh in yesterday, and I had the perfect opportunity. The scale is hidden in my sisters bathroom, though she claims it is broken. (translate: she's too over weight for it to measure her accurately, and I can feel the dip in the middle that gave way to her, it creaks a little when you step on it now) My sister was out and my mom was in bed, so I tiptoed down the stairs to see my mini numbers and the joy they give me- my fix. But guess what? Mommy dearest cleaned out my sisters disgusting bathroom (yes- my mom still needs to clean my 17 year old sisters bathroom and bedroom for her) and the so called 'broken' scale isn't anywhere I can find it. I pretended it didn't bother me but it feels like an itch I can't scratch. I gotta know, need to know, where I stand.
I went to 2 drug stores today on my break but neither carried scales, which means tomorrow my new mission is to find one, somewhere.

I'm feeling more like myself, the hollowness of my new 'plan' has surpassed, leaving me energized and somewhat positive. I can actually see the weight loss on my body, and the constant reminder that if I keep this up, I will only continue to shrink and get smaller, fills me with hope. My size small tanks no longer hug my body, my waist drowns in them and I love how strong it makes me feel. I took the day off from excercise yesterday since I felt so down and out, but I had written that into my rules so I'm safe. I pushed myself to get on the elliptical today, even though my motivation was hard to find, I knew that afterwards I would feel better. It's given me the strength to really try and paint the picture of a happy girl for my family. The deeper into this ed I get, the more I value secrecy with the idea that everything is fine.

It's a strange internal struggle, where my ed is powered by this incredible urge to shout out that I'm not okay, look at me, my body will be physical proof. But I need them to believe I am okay, I want to be smarter than all of them. Saturday night was almost too close for comfort...

Christina* knows me so well, we've been best friends since the day I asked her to make love potions during recess on the first day of grade 2. Saturday was also particularly hard for me, I was alone all day, not wanting to be around people but feeling like I very well could be the last person on the planet. I went to our friend Jane's * house with a few other friends and my anxiety was working it's way into my throat. They had just had dinner together, which I conveyed I was 'too busy' for, but I was worried that they would force me to snack on left overs before drinking. Here's the thing about my group of friends: they love to gossip. Loose weight a little fast, or a few pounds more than the group consensus deems is 'appropriate': automatically, 'she's not eating enough, we need to watch her eat so we can breathe better. If she eats in front of us obviously she's fine' Luckily they didn't even try, and when I told them I gave up alcohol for Lent, another girl piped up that she's doing the same thing so it was accepted and everything was fine. The two parties kind of fell through for stupid reasons, but nonetheless it was great seeing everyone. They were all so nice and kind, and I actually enjoyed the opportunity to show how different I am from high school. A few people even surprised me with how much I enjoyed their company! We called it a night early, putting me in bed just before 1 which was heavily comforting. Overall, I deemed the night a success. I socialized, fulfilled expectations that were held over me, had fun, surprised myself, didn't consume any calories and was home and safe at a decent time. However at the end of the night when a friend was driving me home and the rest of the group moved to another location to continue the night, Christina hugged me and said, "Call me, anytime. I love you, and I'm worried about you. Seriously, anytime" And the puppy dog eyes she gave me nearly broke my heart. She knows I'm not okay. She knows. But she can't prove anything. When she came over on Thursday she brought goldfish crackers (which used to be my absolute favourite in elementary school, I'd eat them every day during recess) and mint areo bites (mint chocolate is my absolute favourite) but didn't make me eat them in front of her, I said I'd bring them to school the next day. The idea that my mom is going behind my back and putting bugs in my friends ear is growing...

Tomorrow I'm skipping my one class, finding a scale, working out, going for a walk on the seawall (hopefully with a friend) and catch up on my reading. That is what I need to do, all manageable. I know I won't eat.

Love always,

xoxo

fast faster!

Today is day 3 of my fasting and so far *knock on wood* it's going okay, but I'm hesitantly and cautiously walking into this. Yesterday morning I stepped on the scale, it told me 128, which means I literally dropped 7 pounds in 24ish hours. If this is true then it's flipping awesome, but I look at these numbers and it seems impossible, they are lying to me. Before I went to bed I was 132, then after coffee and a BM the scale told me 128. This morning it told me the same thing, so I believe it now, but honestly I was hoping for a drop today, just a little something to keep me going. It's selfish of me really, I can't believe I got back to this point so quickly, I should just be thankful and shut the fuck up, really.

I'm trying my damnest not to count calories on this fast, the highest caloric item I'm allowed to have is 40 cals (almond milk) which I had yesterday and then felt guilty about it for hours. Today I've only consumed crystal light, almost 2L of water, an altoid and 2 pieces of gum. I'll have some veggie broth before I head out tonight, and a cup of coffee to keep me going. I've decided to give up alcohol for Lent, which is a great excuse for when I am out with friends, and it really is something I enjoy. I love sitting down with a glass of wine and having a great conversation, or curling up with a book and a glass of wine, really I just love wine - probably because I lived in Italy, go figure!

Tonight I'm going out with a few friends, for 2 different birthday parties. Christina came back into town for the weekend so originally we were trying to decide which to go to, until realizing that they are on the same street! Seriously! So we're going to hop back and forth between the venues, which is even more brilliant because if I don't want to provide my Lent excuse for drinking I can just keep saying that I just had one at the other bar! There will be lots of my old friends, at both of these parties tonight and it's giving me a lot of anxiety...

"What do I say if they comment on the weight I've lost?"

"What if they say nothing, because I'm still fat?"

"What if they think that I've gained weight since the last time they saw me, I was much thinner before"

"How am I going to handle that kind of attention?"

"What if they stare?"

Getting ready is always a struggle, I hate picking out what to wear. Or I love to hate it, I'm not sure. I love fashion, I love trying new interesting designs and being bold with my wardrobe. I like to look very put together, and am very very picky about my clothes and the ways in which I wear them, so they send just the right message. With the weight loss, nothing fits like I remember it to, nothing fits like I want it to, nothing looks like I hope it does. Things are either shapeless or bulging, drowning me in fabric or showing too much skin, or I'll never be warm enough in it. I hate that I now hate things I used to love.

I feel like I have no personality anymore, just a shell. I never understood what that meant, when people would describe themselves as 'a shell of who I once was'. Visually, I thought of a mold, or an empty dish and now all I can see is just the hollowness of a human, whose actions, thoughts, and words are so un-monumental and bland they are barely functioning. Like those soldier chocolates they give you at Christmas, in the red foil with the big black hats like they wear in Russia? They look like a person, but you unwrap them and all it is as an unshapely thing. You bite into it and it's so unsatisfying, there's hardly anything there! Just a shell of what a person looks like.

All I want is to be by myself. I just want to be alone, and safe. It's absolutely exhausting to go to these parties and pretend to be the person I was and pretend to give a shit about what everyone else is doing. It's so trivial, really.

"How's school going? What are you studying? How are you liking it?"

"What have you been up to?"

"Are you working, whereabouts? Oh cool! I love that place!"

" Yeah call me next week, we'll go out for lunch!" (HA)

Theres a girl that I think I will see tonight, she runs in the same social crowds, and I have a suspicion that she has disordered eating as well. I've been out with her a few times and she always declines food or alcoholic beverages, but it's more than that. I see the way she looks at food, and people eating food, the same way I do: with disgust. Disgust at the food, the gooey, messy, fat filled, jiggling food. Disgust at your friends for eating it. Disgust at them for ordering it in front of you, like it is a malicious action. Disgust at yourself for wanting some, just a bite. But no. I've been dodging her messages the last week, just because I'm not sure how to proceed. The more time we spent together, the more likely she is to figure it out on her own. I like having this be MY secret, something only I know about. Because I've realized, that if I can't do something 100% completely, entirely on my own, I feel like I don't deserve credit for that success. In the same respect, if I fail and received help, it's not my fault, but the poor soul who was just trying to help me, they fucked up. But I would LOVE to be able to talk to someone that I know, in real life, about all of this. I know that if I was to mention something to her, my paranoia would just increase. It would give her too much power over me, every second of every day I'd wonder if this was the minute she realized how fucked up this all is and decided to get me help and tell the world. I can't let that happen. No, no, no.

So I'll go to this party, get ready alone because my friends are going out for dinner beforehand, be the girl they want me to be, come home and cry. This whole day I've just been waiting for an excuse to cry, but I can't. I've tried, just can't. Bought a new giant body pillow today to help me sleep and couldn't get it into the pillow case because I was too tired and weak: tear up. Dropped my eyeshadow trio on the ground and cracked one colour: wanted to punch the wall. I can do better than that.

2 more days until my body should enter ketosis and then it's smooth sailing. The 3rd day is always hardest for me, that's usually my hill so I just have to make it through tonight. One hour at a time. 

Love always,

xoxo

Some Honesty

The last oh, 2 weeks really have been filled with mindless eating, an all consuming outside driven force that demands I ask myself, 'what do I want' and then promptly run into the kitchen to fulfill some new 'need' I've invented in my head...

The consequence?

BACK IN THE 130's!!!

I cried while I was on the scale this morning, the shitty semi-broken scale that used to bring me such joy...

The first time I stepped on it said 135 and I fucking lost it. I was so angry at myself, I had worked SO hard to dip into the 120's, I was seeing low 120's even. Then after a HUGE dump, and I seriously mean giant, and then a second almost as big dump and working on the elliptical for 22 mins the scale told me 132. Which sucks, but is manageable.

What happened?

I got complacent. I thought I was good. I thought I could handle myself. It's the same cycle all of us go through, we reach a goal or are triggered in some way and it's like the positivity is a magnet for binging.

I thought I was smarter... Not smart enough to know that this wouldn't work, but smart enough to have control...

Fucking stupid stupid stupid girl

Now I'm much smarter. Let's be sneaky, feel that adrenaline from secrecy? It's the greatest compliment to the high I get from fasting. Feel that tingling through your whole body? You're shivering because you haven't consumed a single calorie all day. It's going to stay that way and I'm excited.

The good news is since I've been eating what appears normal I'm hoping I can take some pressure off myself about mom/ sister watching. Now that I'm aware of my sister's... eating issues (?) I wonder if she will pick up more on my weird habits... she's still quite young, and even younger mentally and is very 'allaboutmemememe' so maybe she won't.

Found out the other day that when my sister told me she started taking diet pills, and when I didn't immediately promise not to tell our mother, she created some 'list' of wrong-doings I've done that my mom didn't know about to present to her. Childish, I know. Nothing substantial on it either, nor did my mom care because I am 20 years old and there isn't anything she can force me or tell me to do anymore. My sister doesn't understand this, she's just starting to realize what 'personal responsibility' is, and that you can't run to mommy for all your problems. You have to start being an adult, and if you have a problem you deal with it, you don't petition a referee for a red card, same way she got mad at my mother for not 'stopping' me when I outspoke about Claire* (daddy's girlfriend) in the privacy of my own home, when my mom knows that my sister likes Claire... It's not her job to filter what I say, nor does she have the power to do so. *sigh* She's just so young...

I don't think my mom and sister are talking still yet... I'm trying to stay out of it but it's not easy. I'm not very good at biting my tongue when I have the answer, or at least think I do. Especially as a communications major, I can identify different techniques with the people in my life in forms of communicating, and taper conversations so that everything is understood by everyone. I also know that I am hyper-aware (I made up that term, don't know if it's real!) and sensitive when it comes to social cues and human behaviour. Hence why I am OBSESSED with my Sociology text book :) So when I see my family fight, it hurts not just on a personal level but I can see each persons argument clearly, and understand what they are trying to say. It's so hard not to jump in but I can't. My dad has explicitly layed out that my sister will NOT be living with him, which is music to my ears. One more thing off my place (LOL)

So where to go from here? 

It's the beginning of a new month, Day 1; March 1st and I've got a challenge in store for myself... 

I'm going to fast, because that seems to be the best way for me to stay on track and avoid binging. 

So here we go!

 I'm allowed unlimited diet soda, water, tea, coffee, crystal light (and the likes) and vegetable broth (note: it's 10cals per 2/3 a cup, and I've noticed all my cravings are for savoury foods, so I added the broth to help curb that)

I need to spend at least 10 minutes a day on the elliptical, aiming for a burn of 200cals but this is so hard when you're fasting so it's a 10 min minimum. I can have one day off from excercise a week, but it is to be used as a last resort means.

Once I've broken my fast, I'll be liquid fasting for the rest of the month, or however longer I decide.

I can have my protein smoothie (250cals with a banana, 150cals without) every other day.

There are lots more rules but honestly I still have a sneaking suspicion that my sister is reading this so I'm not going to write them all here... My paranoia is at an all time high, I'm noticing little shifts my moms been making, whether their in my head or not I don't want to task risks. She notices the food I'm binging on, buys more of it and items which are similar, constantly asks me 'what are you making' while I am cooking, and has started buying higher caloric items of my 'safe' foods.

Example: I asked my mom for plain quaker rice cakes. She came home with plain rice cakes, caramel flavoured rice cakes, and a bag of potato chips.

I asked her for cottage cheese, a new safe food for me. I asked for the non-fat variety and now she has started buying 1% and 2% and when I asked her specifically for fat free I'm told, 'Oh it's 1% (2%) does it really matter??' YES IT DOES. Normally this behaviour would have me in a eating stand off. 

"Fine, don't buy the foods I ask for, see if I'll eat ANYTHING then" But I've been weak and this attitude falls on a slipper slope. Stop measuring food, who cares if its a little more, just a little.

Also, I'm curious about how long I can go without food... Sometimes when I shift from thinking from personal to scientific it makes starving more real in some way. If I'm doing this from a place of curiosity, to see how long I can go without food, to push myself, to really find out what my limits are, then it stops becoming about me, and my quest seems more validated. Does that make sense? It's sad - it's as if I really value my worth so little that I cannot seem to do things for myself, because myself is not important. 

Apparently this is a form of Narcissism? I was reading an article for my Sociology class, you can check it out for yourself here! Here's a small excerpt: 

'chaotic and impulse-ridden character. The new patients 'lack the capacity to mourn, because the intensity of their rage against lost love objects... [They are] sexually promiscuous... [but] they nevertheless find it difficult to "elaborate the sexual impulse" or to approach sex in the spirit of play. They avoid close involvements, which might release intense feelings of rage. Their personalities consist largely of defenses against this rage... Often these patients suffer from hypochondria and complain of a sense of inner emptiness. At the same time they entertain fantasies of omnipotence and a strong belief in their right to exploit others and be gratified... [The patient has to attach himself] to someone, living an almost parasitic existence. At the same time, his fear of emotional dependence, together with his manipulative, exploitive approach to personal relations, makes these relations bland, superficial, and deeply unsatisfying... As a psychiatric patient, the narcissist is a prime candidate for interminable analysis... The strength of his defenses, however, makes him resistant to successful analysis... To be able to enjoy life in a process of involving a growing identification with other people's happiness and achievements is tragically beyond the capacity of narcissistic personalities.' 

I exhibit all of this behavoir... down to a mother fucking tee...

attaching yourself to another being *Andrew...

Inner sense of emptiness? youuuu betcha!

Fear of emotional dependence? Check! BIG FAT CHECK! This is literally one of my worst fears...

Lacking personal relationships, unsatisfying and superficial friendships? YEA

Intensity of rage against lost love objects? yessssss, all of you followers out there have definitely read a rant or 20 of mine...

I over analyze every little detail, just assuming that people are taking me into consideration for the smallest of gestures. '

'Oh, he obviously played that word in Words with Friends because he's trying to tell me something' 

' He used that metaphor because he's trying to tell me to calm down'

' He told that joke because he wants to remind me of that time...'

AS IF I am that important to other people. I'm so damn careful about all of my actions that sometimes I assume and get carried away with the thought that everyone else does it too... Nope I'm just bonkers! a narcissist, apparently!

I always considered narcissism synonymous with selfishness, and I wouldn't consider myself a selfish person so it's a bit confusing really. I guess I've just become so concerned with my own needs and wants, I forget that other people need me. I just can't seem to understand or even imagine what ANYONE could POSSIBLY need from me! So I'll lie in bed all day, do what I want, eat what I want, refuse to eat what I want, just because I assume that I'm discardable. I always thought narcissism was about thinking so highly of yourself, being pompous and prissy and I don't consider myself to be those things. Again with a mind fuck- am I even who I think I am? Maybe I have EVERYTHING wrong.

Hoping that a clean body will allow me a clear mind!

Fasting for answers...

love you all ways, always

xoxo