The things I remember

5 years old he corners me into the built in desk in the kitchen, I forgot to clean my room that morning. He's so close to my face I can see all the hairs growing in his beard. He opens the draw directly to my left, hard. It snaps shut because of the force. I go to open it for him, we're looking for a pen but he gets frustrated and slams it shut, nearly taking off my fingers. I get so scared I instinctively run up the stairs to hide under my bed, I can hear his thunderous steps chasing me, screaming at me 'I'm not through with you yet!' I think I'm a failure.

6 years old we're in the car with my mom and sister crossing the bridge to go home. Dad's at work. I heard them worrying about money the night before, taxes or something. My sister, 3 years old and already extremely over weight, starts yelling about wanting candy. Candy costs money. My mom wants to say no but she keeps screaming. I tell my mom not to worry, that I don't want any. We only have to get some for her. She looks relieved. I'm always the thin one, my sisters always the big one.

7 years old, I'm supposed to be asleep. But mom and dad are downstairs fighting. There has been yelling for hours. I pretend I don't hear. Then it gets silent, very silent. I tip toe down the stairs, I know where all the creaks are, which part of the banister won't make noise. If I'm caught I'm dead. I peek through the door way, dad is pacing around the kitchen tables in circles, looking at the ground and shaking his head. Where's mom. I see the light on in the laundry room. I open the door and before it gets slammed in my face I see mom lying on the floor. She can't stop crying. She tells me to go back to bed. So I do. The next day mom makes french toast for breakfast, all smiles. I refuse to eat any.

Grade 2, I decide that I'm fat. My favourite fuscia dress that I got when I was 4 no longer fits. I keep it in the bottom drawer in the bathroom, and try it on before I bathe. I pretend that I'm someone else when I wear it. It's too short, it never changed sizes though, I did. I'm too big. I hate it. I want to wear it, but I can't, because I'm different somehow. I choose not to eat lunch. I get called into my principles office, he asks me why. All I can think of is how angry dad must be at me, why can't I ever do anything right?
I argue with my teacher the next day about how many grapes I have to eat. She won't let me go out for recess until I eat. The more I protest, the more grapes I have to eat. Every time I say no she increases the number by one. Finally I shove 27 grapes in my mouth at once and run out the door wanting to punch her in the face. My teacher is my moms best friend.

Grade 5, I don't like my body. In fact, I hate it. I want it to be smaller. I ask my mom how, she says that some people eat less carbs. I ask her what those are, do I eat those? She tells me yes, pasta is a carb. Pasta. Something I eat every Monday night at Nonna's house. I start doing jumping jacks at the commercial of every show I watch. I only eat one scoop, not two of pasta, leaving most of it on my plate. I cut my penne in half, and chew each piece slowly, praying everyone shuts up soon so we can go home. A month later I decide that I'm happy with my body again. Who knows if I actually lost weight or not, or I just grew...

12 years old, I want a pet. I've been begging both mom and dad for years. Just a cat, not a big deal, not as much work as say, a dog, which is what I really want but I know I am not able to have. I see moms purse sitting at the foot of the step. I think I can do this on my own. I take a 20 out and shove it in my underpants. I run upstairs and hide it under my mattress. I wait, and wait, and wait. No one notices. Easy. A month or two later I have enough money saved to buy a cat, mom and dad will never know. Now I don't have to ask them, now I wont have to hear them tell me no, again. I can get what I want on my own.
I'm having a bath, dad knocks on the door. Yes? He walks in. I try and cover myself but I don't have anything. I try and lie in the tub on my side, so he can't see anything, but its hard. He asks me if I've ever taken any money out of moms wallet. I ask him for a towel. He doesn't say anything for a minute, then decides, no. I keep squirming and this makes him frustrated. He asks me again. I'm so scared. I admit it. I try and explain that I only did it because I wanted it so bad. See how much I care? He takes all the towels out of the bathroom on his way out. I sit in the tub for as long as I can, and then go straight to bed, soaking wet.

Grade 7 I sit on the counter in my bathroom brushing my teeth, naked. I'm getting ready for bed. When I sit, I see a roll of fat that I never used to have. A fat roll. Fat people have those. This makes me fat. I pinch and prod and poke and punch at it, it's still there. An hour or so later I decide that one roll is okay, but two means I need to take drastic action.

Grade 8, a second fat roll appears, seemingly out of nowhere. I don't eat for days. The only comforting thing is that no one can see it. I decide if I can hide it from people, it's okay.

Grade 9, I fall in love with a boy. He tells me he wants to be my first. He's been with lots of other girls, how will I compare? The last girl he was with was a model, even at 14. She goes to my school and is beautifully thin and tall, with long blonde hair. I starve myself for 2 weeks, determined to fit into a pair of jeans I outgrew 6 months before. We plan to spend New Years Eve together, all I eat that day is one pruscuitto roll-up appy  mom has made. I see him and he tells me I look great. My heart is beaming. We start drinking. I keep drinking, I think it impresses him. Never in my life have I ever drank as much as I did that night. Grey goose, Bacardi, Whiskey, Bourbon, Waterbottles filled with mixed drinks stolen from parents liquor cabinet. No food. Next thing I know my pants are at my knees, and me and this boy are in a ditch off the road. I have no idea where I am. There is dirt in my panties. I'm covered in dirt. My legs are bruised. There's a used condom next to me, my mom is calling me. She's in hysterics. Next flash - I'm puking on the side of the highway. I wake up the next morning sore all over, and the boy won't take any of my phone calls or messages.

Grade 10, I decide I want to loose 10 pounds. I start hanging out with various different social groups. This makes it easier to hide how little I am eating at lunch. I tell my best friend, she tells me that she is on a diet too. All she has eaten that day so far was a package of animal crackers, 120 cals. I brag that all I've had are carrot sticks. We make a secret competition to loose weight, spending hours walking around in shorts in December shivering to try and burn more calories. Eventually we drift apart, and never speak of our 'competition' again.

Grade 10, I have a friend over to my house and we play volleyball in my back yard. My mom and sister come home from school, I forgot to ask my mom if I could have a friend over. She says its fine, not to worry about it. I spend the rest of the afternoon and evening terrified of what dad will do. 2 AM, I'm still lying in bed awake. I hear him pounding down the hallway, throws open my bedroom door, yanks my covers off of my bed and shakes me to look at him. He screams and spits at me to NEVER do anything without telling him EVER again. I'm so scared I can't speak. He thinks I'm not listening. He shakes me more. Where's mom? I am trembling and I think I nod. He looks at me, this calmness washes over him and he tells me he loves me, and to go back to sleep. I have never been more scared in my entire life, to this day, than I was that night.

Grade 11, my mom tells me she's going to leave my dad. It's January, my sister, mother and I have just gotten over an awful awful flu. She tells me that she's going to leave him in April, once she gets her 'ducks in a row'. I am over joyed, over the moon. Finally, validation. Finally, acknowledgement. Finally. Finally. Finally. I wait patiently, desperately trying to help in any way I can to speed up the process. I want out. I want him to stop watching me.
Weeks before she tells him, Andrew and I have started seeing each other. I am supposed to meet him for a date. My dad refuses to let me. We get into a screaming fight because I won't clean all of the counters with windex for the umpteenth time after I made 1 slice of toast. The only thing I've eaten that day. I tell my mom I need to get out, now. She agrees. She sneaks me out of the house, I meet Andrew and try not to tell him, but eventually do. Mom tells me that dad seemed manic when she came back home. He said nothing, just calmly got out the cheerios and have his nightly bowl of dry cereal, and then became overly enthralled and entertained and animated with American Idol...

Grade 11 I fall in love with another boy. He's a year older, student class president. Cool, hipster, accomplished, respected. An actor, a film maker, 100 pounds stick thin. I look like a balloon next to him. I stop eating again. Sipping coffee for breakfast, diet coke for lunch and chicken broth for dinner. I spend hours on the phone with him, absolutely obsessed. I loose around 15 pounds. I go to a party in tight black skinny jeans and a small white tank top with black pumps. Someone asks me if I have lost weight, they tell me I look great. I let myself have a few gummy bears along with my vodka. The boy won't talk to me. Something is wrong with me. Another boy starts kissing me. I don't know how to make it stop. My boy walks in. The boy kissing me is his best friend. I don't even know his name. I go to talk to him and he pushes me away. I'm dirty. He runs away, literally. I follow him and he is crying. He tells me he was falling in love with me. Was. I have been in love with him for months, and I realize everything I've wanted and worked to get I had all along. I assume I never could have it, and it gets thrown away by accident. He never talked to me again.
I go home that night and eat 4 lean cuisines, 2 cartons of sorbet, leftovers from 2 dinners, a jug of orange juice. My best friend is with me, she's sleeping over. I have a bathroom en suite attached to my bedroom. I can't purge. I hate myself. This was the beginning of the 60 pounds I gained.

A week later, 2 weeks after mom leaves dad, they start going to therapy, together. Just to make sure he is being honest about his 'habits'. Thats what we call them. Nothing wrong, just a habit. I sit at the table, about to eat lunch. Mom tells me that her and dad are getting back together. I throw my food on the ground. They want me to eat. I want them to never have anything they want ever again. I vow not to eat.

I hear about hoodia, it stops making you hungry. I start throwing up my dinner. Dad moves back in with us. No control. No decisions. No change. No elephant in the room. I am told I am the problem. Why can't I just be happy with the loving family I have? Why can't I be happy for mom and dad? Because dad is evil. Poor teenage girl, going through the motions of puberty, thats all it is, acting out. Let it go, it will eventually fade away. I am told that I'm wrong, that something is wrong with me, every day.

Grade 12, 145 lbs, I move out of my house. I can't stand dad. He becomes more impossible to live with. I move to a friends house, and vaguely release details to her parents. My friend is bulimic. Her mother is a 'recovering' anoretic. Her sister is severely overweight. I pretend I don't notice. Dad is a great salesman, and so every conversation that takes place between the adults tends to go in his favor. Being manipulative is the nature of the devil, daddy. I'm told I can stay for as long as I want. But after Christmas dad has booked a cruise to jamaica for us, if I come home. My sister hates me. She refuses to give up a vacation because I am throwing a temper tantrum. I don't want to be hated, so I go home. I don't talk, I don't eat. I excercise constantly because I have so much pent up frustration. When I open my mouth no one listens, I'm crazy after all.

A year after I graduate, down to 120 and dropping, mom and dad sit my sister and I down and they tell us they are separating. Dad is moving out, tonight. I'm in shock. I don't know how to feel. Stunned. My sister runs to her room and threatens to slice her wrist. My dad goes for a drive. My mom starts crying. I still haven't moved. No one notices. My mom begs me to try to talk to her. "Please, do something. I don't know what to do. Help me. I'm scared." I still haven't moved off the couch. I tell her I have a staff meeting at work. I haven't eaten at all that day. I go to my meeting and everyone else is having a McFlurry. I refuse to eat, to put anything in my mouth, until people start caring what comes out of it.

Mom never tells me that I was right about him.

Dad moves back in, his name is on the deed to the house so we cannot legally do anything. He makes it his new job to make life as uncomfortable as possible. We aren't his puppets anymore, we won't do what he tells us, but he can make it awful hard for us to live. He tells me about how drunk he got the night before, '8 martini's later and your dad is still standing!'. He tells me about how hard he works himself at the gym, that he has a 24" waist, tells me I should be proud of him. Tells me if I had seen him I would be proud. Why? He knows I hate him.

I can't take it anymore. I decide to move. I tell mom I want to go travelling. I hear about job opportunities teaching english, but it takes a month to get a visa. I talk to Andrew about this. He's been spending almost all of his nights at my house. We sleep in the same bed, tangled up like lovers but fully clothed. I like having him hold me, he likes having me to hold. I become smaller and smaller, he spends more and more time watching me. I tell him I could be leaving soon, and he looks broken. I tell him I can't handle my dad. He thinks I'm lying. After all, Andrew thinks I am unbreakable, I am so much stronger than I think I am, I can handle my dad. But I can't. I tell him I'm leaving in 3 weeks on a park bench one night in the end of August. He tells me he's going to walk home and all I want to do is chase after him. I let him go.

I book my flight. I'm supposed to leave for the airport in a few hours, Andrew hasn't come to say goodbye yet. Finally he shows up just as I zip up my suitcase. He flops on my bed like its just another day. He's the last person I see. He hugs me and I never, ever want to move.  I cry on the airplane.

Dad decides that he's coming with us to the airport. Because whatever he wants he gets. I don't say a word. He tries to hug me before I go through security, all I manage to say is no.

I come home for Christmas. I have sushi with a friend of mine, purge in the bathroom at the back of the restaurant, secretly thanking the Gods that they have individual bathrooms instead of shared. I come home and theres a moving truck in my driveway. Dad finally decided to move out. Legally he is allowed to stay in the house for 12 months, he makes it to 11.5 and decides that December 23rd, 2 days before Christmas, is the appropriate time to move his things, and some of our things, out of the house, without telling anyone. I tell him to go to hell.

I'm back home, for good this time. I live with my mom and sister, in a new house. Dad shows up uninvited and walks in through the front door like he lives here too. I panic, does he live here? Mom looks startled, everyone is tense. He crosses the house in a second and hugs me, a huge smile on his face. He tells me its good to see me. I ask him what the hell he's doing here. He just smiles, I don't think he even hears me.

I try, I fail.
I'm wrong.
Even when I am right.
I'm all wrong.

broken

I feel like he broke me. I feel like my whole childhood and every memory I have of my father was just chipped into a porcelain china doll, not breaking it, but causing invisible cracks that wait for the first blow and then crumble to dust.
A big aspect of this blog for me is self-analyzation, in some way I believe that if I can understand my own thoughts, behaviours and actions, then I can learn to live with myself the way I am. Why I am like this...
I've read a blog today, and it was so triggering I felt like I had written every word this other person had and I just didn't know it. It scared me so much I had to stop reading.
It got me thinking, what if I spend my whole life trying to answer 'why' when the whole time I've been asking the wrong question? I'm so afraid of failure. When I can't handle the reality in front of me I let my mind wander far far into the future and it devastates me.
I have no idea who I am.
I used to spend hours locked in my room, grounded for some other small infraction or another, and write lists and lists and lists of everything I like and don't like. Things I want to do and things I hate. Then trying to fit myself into some label, definition or category. So I can prove that I exist, 'I'm here! I'm real, I'm a type X column 7 blue'
I've always thought of myself as a chameleon, or an invisible butterfly of some sort. Something that is never the same, constantly adapting, consistently shifting to change to her surroundings. That's why my group of friends are so sporadic and eclectic. I choose them, and create myself into a person I think they would like. I get to be a different person all the time. It takes a lot more thought and energy than you would think.
With Andrew it was like all of that never existed. The person I was with him never had to pretend to be anyone else, never had any insecurities, she was strong. She was loved.
I have no idea who I am, I never have.

New Low

Today has been all over the map, I felt really out of control all day. I've been stressed about school because I haven't done much work, but I worked my ass off before I got my wisdom teeth removed so now I'm on par-ish. Feeling like this led me to eat more earlier in the day which is usually not my style. Especially after another out of control binge last night. Now I'm a nervous nelly because bad things happen when I eat too much.
I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.

HOWEVER! I FOUND A SCALE IN MY SISTERS BATHROOM!
It read 133.5
A new low.
I weighed myself with my clothes on, and I had a full stomach. And I binged last night so I'm not as empty as I normally am.
But seeing those numbers totally motivates me to restrict further, late night eating is my weakness and normally I like to have more of my food in the evening but I am SO close to the 120's... I know I can do it.

The lowest I've ever weighed was 119.. I saw that number once for a day, just a fleeting taste of the teens and I'm craving it all over again.

This is my dream.

Bones

Delicate

Fragile






The feeling of hunger is essential.
The craving for small numbers out weighs the craving for food.
The need for him means more than anything.

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xoxo

Loveless

How would anyone fall in love with me?
I have nothing incredible to offer.
No astounding set of skills
or a face that would take your breath away.
I have a mind that is dark
and a body that is too large.
I have no importance,
if I wasn't to exist, the world will still spin,
my family would still eat,
my friends would still laugh,
my old loves would love again.
There is no difference.
I am okay with this.

Short and Not Sweet

I lost control yesterday, I ate everything I had my hands on. I won't post everything I ate as I know it can be triggering for some people and that's the last thing I want. It wasn't good. The good news is I'm pretty sure I purged it all back up. The weird thing is, everything I ate (except for one thing) was just massive amounts of my 'safe foods'

Today I feel awful. But not emotionally, physically. My stomach has been making noises all day long, just moving and stretching. It's grumpy. And so I would be after all that stretching and purging. I ate until I was in so much pain I had no choice but to purge. Then I went and binged again, and purged just because I could and because I knew that would be the only comforting fact in the morning.
Today all I've had is 1 coffee with 1/4 cup almond milk 20 cals a source yoghurt 35 cals and a total of a cup and a half of mashed cauliflower with 2 slices laughing cow cheese 90 cals (find the recipe here)
Making my total 145 calories
Fuck. Yes.
Back in control.

Also I had my date with Mark tonight! We went to this great bar that I've been meaning to check out, I had an interview there a few months back, I didn't get the job but the place is so wicked! Super divey and hipster with an actual train that choo choo's all the way around the ceiling of the place.
I stuck to my one rye and ginger, so I guess I need to add that to my intake but I'm still happy.
The date went really well.

Something just kinda clicked in my head tonight... The whole thought hasn't quite finished forming in my brain... But I realized that the guys I imagine myself dating, being all protective and attentive and swooning, are the ones that piss me the fuck off in real life. When I'm on a date with someone I expect him to act a certain way, I think in my mind it would be 'overly kind'. But in reality that just drives me mental! When I was on my date, Mark was talking about this other guy at the bar and made a joke kind of making fun of him and at first I was like that wasn't nice, and then I realized it was funny and I would have said the exact same thing if he hadn't had said it and it just kinda clicked... Little things he was mentioning that kind of maybe would have sounded, not bad but just.. 'why does that bother you/ matter' type of thing, and I realized that the things he hates are the stupid things I hate too!
I know it's weird and it might not make sense but it is what it is.

He asked me out for dinner tomorrow night, I've got class until 5 30 and he lives over an hour away. The plan was to go for dinner and then go back to his house to smoke pot. I want to try and be good with this one, I don't plan on sleeping with him right away so maybe I'll just stick to our dinner plans. How the HELL am I supposed to plan this into my day though?! I can only eat mushy foods which he knows so I can't really order a salad off of the menu... plus I'm a vegetarian which thank god limits my options but I don't want to be stuck looking weird if I pass on the bread and that's the only thing I really can eat...
I don't like not being able to plan ahead if you haven't noticed.

Le Sigh. Time for bed my lovelies.
I'd also love it if anyone reading this could post some love and support for someone in our community who is hurting, for another member of our community who may have taken his own life. (Click here)
We need to support one another, we are all each other has. The after math of feeling alone and un supported can be devastating so please, take the time today to show each other that we are listening

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xoxo

Winds of Change

Yes! It has finally happened! I have changed the look of my blog, I hope you all like it! :) I've also added a few new features so make sure you check them out!

Yesterday was an okay day, I got high for the first time in about a week. Smoked a bowl with my sister out of her new bong..which we somehow named 'Bongcock' which made me laugh out loud this morning when I remembered... haha it's funny because it's quite small and light and the bottom is 'ribbed for her pleasure'..

Anyways, moving away from the immaturity... I sort of binged last night, but not really. I ate.
I had a small taco salad with 1/3 cup ground veggie meat 60 cals
a handful of iceberg lettuce 0 cals
and 2 tablespoons of salsa 10 cals
4 servings of source yogurt 140 cals
Total: 70 cals
then I ate about 2 servings of pinkberry 200 cals
adding to intake of 355 cals
so my grand total was: 745 cals


Today I'm really going to restrict, I'm hoping that my little up-intake helped my metabolism and with my fingers crossed I'll be down even more tomorrow!

So far I've had
1/2 cup egg beaters 60 cals
1 slice of onion, diced 0 cals
4 mushrooms, diced 20 cals
few spinach leaves 0 cals
Total: 80 cals


When my mom gets home from work I'm going to make my 'Let us be Skinny' Wraps. The recipe for them can be found in my new page tab, Dina !

Today has been a good day so far... I'm avoiding all things Andrew related, and looking forward to my date tomorrow night with the new boy, let's call him Mark. We're going out for drinks, which normally would be great. Casual, alcohol involved, and an excuse to dress up. Totally up my ally. But alcohol has calories, a lot. I'm debating on using my wisdom teeth as an excuse not to have alcohol, but I don't want to seem like a freak, and I have no idea what else we would do instead, and I'm worried that then he might suggest going to dinner, a step in the wrong direction. I figure I can limit myself to 2 drinks. That's normal right? I'm going to have a rye and ginger, my favourite. So classy, not a usual order, something memorable. Everything I hope to be.

Now I need to find an outfit that fits, all of my clothes are too loose now. I love it. It presents new challenges however. I want to hide the weightloss until I am ready for some sort of 'big unveiling'. I usually wear loose tops and sweaters around the house, I'm so damn cold all of the time I can't manage to wear anything else anyways.

I hope everyone out there is staying strong and making Ana proud. 

I love you all.

Weakness...

Weakness 

the kind you feel when you wake up empty in the morning

the kind you have when you walk up the stairs

the feeling in the back of your knees when you see him

the habit of getting on your knees late at night in the bathroom

the vice for that one person

Weak is how I feel. Sleepless, unworthy, with no strength left.

I tried to unwind tonight, have a bath. Let yourself think...

Worst. Idea. Ever.

I feel like I have so much to do and not enough time to do it. So much weight to loose, so many imperfections to fix, so many things to learn.

Too much.

I feel like my devastation is so blown out of proportion and un called for. I find myself re-reading my blog posts and diary entries, desperately trying to psycho-analyze myself to see where I went wrong. I put so much importance on things, tie myself to them like a life raft. "Look! Look at me! I took a risk! I'm normal! I'm okay now' Jumping from one lily pad of hope to another. When my weight becomes too much to stay afloat I sink

deep

deep

deep

down to the bottom of a lake. 

Further proving that every pessimistic view, every negative notion I've ever made about society in general, is true. I become disassociated with life, reality, myself. And then come across some new shred of light to cling onto, hoping that this time it will prove that there are still good things left.

I guess I keep believing that anything good and positive, happy and joyous comes from something external, instead of inventing and generating my own energy. I don't think I'll ever be capable of that. 

Yesterday I ate a total of 600 calories, a high day for me. It would have been under 500 but I had some pinkberry frozen yogurt because my gums were hurting again. Living like this has lost almost all of its challenges, and because I measure worth based on my the intensity of my hunger, I only feel successful when I'm eating under 300/400 calories... that's all it takes to keep me from being hungry anymore. I know this isn't ideal for weight loss, but Ana keeps telling me to use this to my advantage.

So far today I've had 1/2 cup of egg beaters 60cals with 2 slices of laughing cow cheese 45 cals and some spinach and a slice of onion approx 10 cals then pinkberry with canned peaches 200 cals (this is an over estimation my measurements were generous so to be safe I'm calling it 200) then source yogurt 35 cals

Making my total so far 255

The weird thing is that I look at that number and think thats so little... there must be something I'm forgetting because I'm not hungry, I should be so much more hungry if that's really all I have eaten so far today. Sometimes I don't trust myself anymore.

For dinner I want to make something with this fake veggie meat, it is so DELICIOUS taste just like seasoned ground meat and 1/3 cup is only 60 cals!! I want to try a burrito with a weight watchers pita (100 cals) maybe some corn, peppers and daiya *vegan cheese* 90 cals per 1/4 cup. I think that's going to be too caloric for me though so maybe a I'll turn it into a salad...

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xoxo

Bangarang

Another day, another high. I'm on a whackload of pain killers because my mouth is killing meeee (wisdom teeth removed) I love the feeling. The beautiful floating feeling. The inability to do anything independent is crucial... I can't even walk on my own. My legs feel like wilted tree twigs, and I can barely make it up the stairs. Why do I love the things that hurt me?

I woke up this morning, pulled off my clothes and started into the mirror. I saw my ribs. I smiled. I'm still waiting for the moment the curve of my hips are less obvious than the curve of my breasts. I'm tired of feeling like a pear.

When I went to the dentist before my surgery they weighed me. For those of you who have been following me you know how big of a treat this is because I do not own a scale. If I was to buy one it would become far too obvious how extreme my dieting has become, and my family has already noticed the weight loss so the less attention the better.
I was freezing cold in the office, I had a pair of leggings, a thick pair of sweatpants, a tank top, slouchy sweater top, thick guys hoodie on and rain boots.. and I weighed at 63 kg... They wouldn't let me take any of my clothes off. That puts me at 141 lbs with all that crap on, I figure I can subtract 3lbs from that for a more accurate weight, maybe more but the last thing I want to do is assume I'm smaller than I am.. so that makes my weight around 138 lbs which I am happy about. I'm very happy I'm out of the 140s, but I cannot weight (lol) until I taste the 120's again.

I skyped with the boy I have a date with next week, last night. I was in the dark because it was 3 am and I didn't want him to see me. I hadn't showered and was all post-op and gross. We skyped for about an hour and half way through he told me that he actually could see me from the light off my laptop, but didn't want to tell me because he thought I was beautiful and didn't want me to move. It made me feel really nice, something I hadn't felt in a while. It makes me feel even better because when I first met this guy, I was fatfatfat. Probably close to ugh 150 lbs maybe a bit more...  I hate that he's seen me like that, but at the same time he was attracted to me and continued to give me his time an attention. In some warped way I feel like he now deserves to be with the thin version of me. It's motivating me even more.

Andrew has posted more pictures of him and Mary being all cute and in love. Thinking about it puts tears in my eyes. No control. He hasn't said anything about the weightloss, though he has been pushing food a bit. I know he's noticed but I don't think he knows how to bring it up. He saw me go through all of this before, plus the cocaine addiction. He knows whats happening. I don't know what to think.

So far today I've had:
1/4 of egg beaters 30 cals
2 peices of laughing cow cheese 45 cals
1/2 cup of almond milk 30 cals
2 Tbsp of protein powder 20 cals
dash of cinnamon 0 cals
splenda 0 cals
6 shots of espresso  approx 6 cals
Bringing my total so far to 131 cals

And I'm so stoned on pills I don't even notice my hunger. Last night though I made my split pea soup which I think I'll have for dinner but I'm waiting until my mom gets home so she can see me with food.
I've posted the recipe for this soup before but for my new followers I'll mention it again:

SPLIT PEA SOUP

2 cups frozen peas: 200 cals

2 cups of water: 0 cals

1 onion, chopped (size doesn't matter it will be processed):  30 cals

2 cloves of garlic, sliced (or more to taste!): 0 cals

2 stalks of celery, sliced: 0 cals

Combine all ingredients into a bot and bring to a boil, let simmer for 20-30 mins. (make sure celery is soft) Then pour all contents into a blender, and blend on high until smooth. Add salt and pepper to taste.

The whole recipe has 230 cals and makes about 4 servings!!! making each serving just less than 60 cals!

This is great to make when your family is watching, because you can even go back for a second bowl and keep the whole meal under 120, plus its super filling!

 Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xoxo

Recovery, no not that kind...

So I had my surgery! Everything went fine, nothing was spat out of my mouth in front of inappropriate people. THEREISAGOD :)

My face isn't even swollen really, plus because of my recent weight loss now that my face is a tiny bit swollen it just looks normal, and I can't wait until it goes away and I can see exactly how bony my jaw line will become. Some people have told me that after they got their teeth removed their face shape changed a little bit...
But this isn't the most exciting thing! The reason I was in such a rush to get these bad boys out is because my dentist told me that once I do, he could use invisalign to fix my crooked tooth! Something I am extremely self conscious about... it's an awful feeling when a  guy is checking you out at the bar and when you smile back he walks away...
The funny part is, the reason my tooth is crooked is because of the night I met Andrew.. we were at a party, thats where we met. He did track and field with my best friend. We left to go get a few more people and show them where the house was, it was february and I was 15. Walking back up a big hill in stiletto boots after god knows how much tequila, I face planted into the road... Andrew picked up my tooth, flagged down a red minivan and I had to sit in the booster seat until we made it back to the house. He took care of me. Told me I was beautiful. (in truth I looked like a drunken slutty hillbilly, but damn was he ever cute)
Part of the significance of all this is that I am trying to be the best version of myself, the most pretty, the smartest, all for him. I'm always the problem. Once I'm fixed everything will be fine. I feel like I'm getting rid of a daily reminder that I don't have him.

Onto more positive things! I have a date next week :) With a VERY cute boy. He's 24 which seems to be my favourite number, and he's been asking me out for months but we've both been seeing other people casually and we ended up falling into a great friendship. I never really date guys without knowing him first and being friends so this worked out perfectly! He is still kinda getting over his last ex, but hell who am I to hold that against the kid.. look at me...

So I've been living off of soup and soft foods pretty much since I can't eat anything really... for breakfast I had 3/4 cup of egg beats (90 cals) with 2 pieces of laughing cow light cheese (45 cals) and a slice of onion for flavor. SO delicious.
then I really wanted an coffee frapp thing but I was NOT going to consume 300 cals of that so I made my own and it was AMAZING! Here's what I did, so simple I cant believe I didn't think of this before
In a blender I added 1/2 -3/4 cup of almond milk (depending on how think you want it) - 30-40 cals
about 8 ice cubes
coffee (I used 4 shots of espresso because I need my caffeine fix!) about 4-6 cals
a few spoonfuls of splenda 0 cals
a dash of cinnamon
blend well.
SO GOOD it tasted like dessert, and the whole thing only had less than 50 cals!!

Lunch/dinner I had V8 broccoli soup- 90 cals
Then I had 1/2 of pinkberry original approx 100 cals
and a sugar free jello 5 cals

Speaking of great recipes, I just found this site that is all RAW food, taking the things we crave and making them super healthy and low cal it is a GOD SEND. I find that sometimes when the recipe calls for oil I can get away without it or substitute it for water to make it healthier and it works!
Check it out! RAWmazing

I hope all of you are making Ana proud of you! Remember she is always watching and great things happen to skinny people ;)

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

On a better note...

Hey lovely's I hope you are all doing well, staying on track and finding ways to be proud of yourselves because you all deserve it! Even just typing that sentence kind of feels funny, because of the torture we put ourselves through, the question 'how are you doing' kind of becomes a joke doesn't it...
Since my last post was morbid and dripping with so much self hatred I'm trying to insert more positivity, if only for all of you out there, to this hell we sign up for...

Right off the bat, I want to thank Dancing Through Raindrops and Beth for the comments and support, it means the world when it feels like the world is gone and people, let alone strangers, can unite in a common cause to help one another...

Ana's taken over. I love it. I hate it. Repeat.
I use to have fun inventing new recipes, deciding what I wanted to eat and then seeing how low cal I could make it. It was enjoyable. It still is, except for the eating it part. Every time I go to make food or eat food I feel like I want to cry, sometimes I even do. Because food can hurt me and I'm afraid of it.
I never said that.

Schools is going really well, which is surprising and nice. My last educational experience (high school) was a nightmare. Although being a part of what I guess would be called 'the popular crowd' it was a mother fucking roller coaster that had me puking in everyones hair.
For me, school = stressanxietybreakdownsjudgement
So the fact that I'm enjoying it is a huge plus. I love my classes, particularly Sociology and Communication. Plus all this new reading material gives me something to focus on and before you know it hours disappear without notice! I guess this had made me even more anti-social than I have been lately. I stayed in on Friday and studied.. that is until I caught some fucking dude staring at me through the window, literally just on the other side of the window, less than 2 feet away from. I was home alone and would have been for the rest of the night but I called a friend of mine who in turn called 3 or 4 friends and my mom came back home and then I felt like a fucking idiot... some big baby who can't handle her shit. Who had to get a whole group of people to try and rescue her on a friday night, all I am is an inconvienance it feels like. Obviously they insisted it was fine but I knew that they didn't really believe that I even saw anything to begin with...
Then last night I saw the same dude staring into my neighbours window! This time I was smart, I grabbed my mom out of bed and showed her the guy. I took pictures on my phone, and I called the police. They brought the dogs and sniffed out a group of guys who said they lived in the area and went for a smoke...  the guy was solo staring into the bedroom window of my 14 year old neighbour and then wandered off by himself. Now it's on record though and the cops have all of those dudes contact info so they'd be pretty fucking stupid to come back...
The worst part of the whole thing on Friday was that as soon as it happened, I went to Andrew's number in my phone out of reflex and then I burst into tears. I can't keep counting on him, it's no fair to him. I'm not his responsibility anymore. I need to process on my own. My bestfriend stayed over that night, even though I insisted she could go home, which I actually really wanted her to get the fuck out and leave me the fuck alone so I can process by myself because it's a private thing. But the over bearing bitch thinks she's mother fucking teresea or something over her dripping maple syrup and candy, creating some 'loving environment' or some shit. That's not the world I belong to baby. Things don't work like that where I come from. The world's a dark place.

All this just makes me even more anxious and nervous, Ana keeps telling me that they are coming to check up on me... to watch me and make sure I'm not eating. That if I eat, they will do something bad. If I eat, everything will fall apart.

I saw a picture of Andrew and Mary this morning before I went to class (with Andrew) It was cute, they were hugging and staring lovingly at one another. It felt like someone put me inside a blender.
I told Andrew that I would pretend I was okay with this until I really was. I want to be able to do that for him. I want to be normal in front of him. But God, how it's killing me. I can see that he tries to make it easy on me. I told him about what's been going on with these people coming around and instantly I feel better. Funny enough, as soon as I saw that picture of him and Mary on facebook he sent me a text, nothing important just a goofy text about bacon lol but it made me smile, and because I was smiling I wanted to cry. How does this happen...
He knows exactly what I need when I have no idea how to explain how I'm feeling. He spent the whole class trying to take my mind off of it, joking around and playing games with me. It helped, it meant a lot. Then I remember. He stopped loving me. This means something different to me than it does to him. It's like the few moments you have when you wake up and hazily believe that your dream was reality.

Tomorrow I am getting my wisdom teeth removed and I'm scaredshitless. Not for the surgery or the needles or the pain, I can handle that. Pain is all in your mind. And the drugs they give you are great :)
But from what people have told me, the anesthesia they give you gives you really bad verbal diarrhea, and in most cases you don't even remember what it was you were saying.. this is a HUGE problem. Obviously, a lack of control is present which just freaksmethefuckout. But also my mom will be taking care of me and I'm SO petrified that I'm going to say something Ana related or about starving or something.... and the worst part is, that if my mom has a suspicion of an eating disorder (which I suspect that she does, maybe not the disorder part, but she's noticed the weightloss and how healthy I'm eating) she could easily tell me that I broke down and confessed and I would have nothing to combat that....
HELP GUYS WHAT DO I DO?!
I'm trying to mentally prepare myself and keep other thoughts at the front of my brain, so hopefully that will stay on my mind instead of other inappropriate things...

As you can tell, I've got a lot of work to do to let some positivity shine through... #understatement
I'm still loosing weight and it's the only thing keeping me going. Staying under 500 calories (most days well under that) hasn't become much of a challenge at all anymore.
I love you all

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

I know its been a while since I've last posted, and its really unfair to everyone (or anyone) out there who is reading this but I'm feeling so alone right now. The last month I've barely been eating, I haven't  "binged" once (knock on wood) and I have to psych myself up just to put food in my mouth, convince myself it's okay, it's safe, everything will be fine if you eat it. Telling myself over and over again that things will be okay, the world wont fall apart if I swallow. But then I feel so alone and lonely and wonder 'why?' If I've been starving and so determined to shrink into myself why can't I have everything else? I've withdrawn from all of my close friends, I don't go out at all anymore. I just stay home and smoke pot. Where there are all my safe foods, where all of my meals are planned out an easily accessible. I feel like somehow I've just become this completely other person who is anti-social, choosing to stay home even when friends try and convince me to go out. Then feeling helpless when my phone is silent all day long. People eventually stop texting me back because I have been such a bitch, not putting any effort into my relationships.
It started when I finally told Andrew how I felt. And everything fell apart. I was so completely petrified I got sick involuntarily right before I even told him. I stayed in bed for 3 days and couldn't eat or move or talk to anyone. All I could think was 'he never loved me'. Everything I had been thinking I guess I built up in my head. But then when I say that instinctively this voice tells me 'NO!' that I'm wrong and if I just eat a little bit less than yesterday, he'll love me.
My best friend went to visit her family over the holidays for 3 weeks and I saw her for the first time yesterday and although she didn't say anything I saw the shock on her face for a second when she hugged me and really noticed the weight loss. I don't own a scale so I wish I could tell you guys what my exact weight is but I'm fitting comfortably into a size 4. I'm able to wear the jeans I was wearing this time last year, which is a huge step for me. I'm dying to know my actual number though. It's fucking killing me. The problem is my upper body gets really bony while my stomach hips and thighs seem to retain all my fat so I get this grotesque pear shape and I just want to fucking cut it all off. I want to physically beat myself up and leave bruises everywhere, just to see if I could get away with it, cover it up.
Tomorrow is my first day of University, and Andrew is in one of my classes, first thing in the morning tuesdays and fridays. All of this work over the holidays has been for his reaction. He's told me now that he's dating someone else. So its not just that he's too fucked up for a relationship, it's that he doesn't want one with me. It's killing me. I have no idea what to do. I tried to talk to him about it and he made it seem like I was going crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't keep my thoughts straight, I keep forgetting what I'm doing, my memory is shiet, everyone thinks I'm this giant stoner now because I've been smoking more weed and the effects of Ana make me seem more stoned, even when I'm not.
I just want to see his face when he sees how thin I am. I want him to think 'FUCK!' I want him to want me back, so fucking bad and I hate how much I want it which just makes me hate myself even fucking more.
I hate taking showers now. I ball my eyes out and torture myself, scrutinizing every inch of my body as I peel off my clothes to reveal more fat fat fat. I watch it jiggle and move around, I turn from side to side, try out different postures, try and see what people see when they see me. All I see is hate. And all I feel is lonely. It makes sense.
You know how they say that Ana's body image gets warped, that what you start seeing in the mirror, isn't actually whats real. That has got to be the most terrifying fact I could have ever learned. I am an extremely hyper-aware super-sensitive being who believes that knowledge is power. If what I'm seeing and believing and trying to understand isn't real, then what is the whole fucking point? Does this happen to everyone? Does this only apply to your body or can it happen with real life situations?
I have no idea where to go from here, I'm trying to push myself and be more social but when I try and fake happiness or laughter or joy or contentment it is so half-hearted I look like a dis-interested bitch. I can't talk about what happened with Andrew to anyone. I texted one of my best friends a few days after it happened just sending a disclaimer that by no means do I want it talked about, brought up, mentioned or even acknowledged. When she told me that she understands and if and when I am ready to talk she'll be here for me. I replied with "I love you, but I swear to God I can't even handle it mentioned just don't"
Because I am a fucking awful human being.
Im so sorry.