Chanel your Zen

Just got back from  yoga and feeling pretty good. I needed to force myself on the mat to forget about all of the mistakes I've made over the past two days, eating wise. Provided, most ( I fucking hate that word..) was purged up, but nonetheless my strength was conquered and I need to build myself up again. I drank 3 cups of detox tea last night, and 3 cups this morning to help mooove things along, I think I'll finish off my dinner here with some more, just for safe measures.

Here's today:

Breakfast
Detox Tea

Veggie Frittata
1C Egg Beaters 120
1/4C Part Skim Mozza 70
1/4C Zucchini 5
1/2 Floret Broccoli 20
1/12 Red Onion 0
1/2 Portabello 10

215 Cal
7g Fat
30g Protein

Apple 50

Kale-Berry Detox Smoothie
1C Kale 0
3/4C Frozen Berries 70
3/4C Vanilla Almond Milk 30
1 Frozen Banana 100

200 Cal
3g Fat
4g Protein

Lunch
1 Tomato 25
1/2C Cucumber 0
1/2 Avocado 100
1/2 Pepper 5
1/4C Light Feta 70
1/12 Red Onion 0
Basil & Lemon Juice 0

200 Cal
12g Fat
14g Protein

Walk to & From Yoga Studio
-300 Cal (HUGE hill)

1.5 Hours Hot Core Yoga
-550 Cal

Dinner
1/4C WW Rice 75
1 large Carrot 20
1/8C Zucchini 5
1/12 Red Onion 0
1/2 Pepper 5
5 Stalks Asparagus 20
1/2C Green Beans 35
1/2 Tbs EVOO 40
Grated Ginger 0
2 Tbl Low-Sod Soya 20
Cayenne 0

220 Cal
6g Fat
10g Protein

Total
885 Cal
28g Fat
58g Protein

Burn
-850 Cal

Net Intake
-35 Cal

J called me and said no more trip this weekend. At least not to this particular city with his best friend. We'll see if we go somewhere else, I'm kinda bummed I was really looking forward to getting out of here for a while. If it's anywhere I'm in a bikini I need to have more days like today. For whatever reason I've had my period for 10 days now. According to clinic doc it's from my BC which I think is bullshit so I'm going for a blood test tomorow.

Hope all you lovelies are doing well and staying on track! I'm always here for a lovely chat :)

love always,

115 Purge-Over

I did it, I finally made it to my goal weight guys. 115 lbs. I weighed myself at J's house, after we had a big breakfast and before a BM and I was 115 on the nose. I was happy, and proud, and joyful.... but the moment is fleeting. Because I know in my heart that it's still not enough. Anything under 115 is an underweight BMI for me. That's where I want to be. 110 is where I want to be now, 110 it's an obsession. One's and Zero's how beautiful. Nothing but number one. Maybe once I reach that goal I'll want to be 101 lbs. Could I even get there?

I look at myself now, and I can see myself as smaller, as a whole with my clothes on. When I take them off and isolate my body parts they morph into pure fat. My thighs, my ass, my saddlebags, my under arms, all of it. Yesterday J told me he could tell that I've lost weight. I didn't tell him how much. But the last time I properly weighed myself on that same scale was 6 weeks ago and I was 125. I lost 10lbs in a month and a half. It seems like a long ass time, doesn't it?

So what did I do to celebrate? Oh, I made a cheese pizza of course! Hand made crust, with 4 different cheese spread to crust. Purged it back up as soon as I was done. I also spent all day today binging and purging on all sorts of things. It's left me with A purge-over. The feeling of a purging hangover lol.

I need to put an end to this now, and get myself back on track. Being at this 115 mark makes me feel like I'm at a cross roads. The tipping scale between underweight and average. Do I maintain or keep diving under? I want to go lower. 110 is where I want to be next.

Next weekend is a long weekend here, so J and I are going on a 14 hour road trip to another city, to stay with his best friend/cousin who lives on a lake. I need to keep my numbers down so I can look decent in a bikini, and atone for any sort of gain that might occur over that time period.

Skipping Yoga

I hate myself when I skip yoga, but lately I just don't have the energy. Like today for example. I have all this pent up energy and aggression but my body is so exhausted. It's all in my mind, I have to make myself do it. I never know what's safe when I skip a work out either. My calculations are all off and I feel... off balance.

Breakfast
1/2C Egg Beaters 60
1/2 Whole Grain Weight Watchers English Muffin 60
2 slices light laughing cow cheese 50
1C Spinach 0

170 Cal
4g Fat
15g Protein

2.4K walk to work
-100 Cal

Lunch
1/C Cherry Tomatoes 25
1 Red Pepper 10
1/4 Cucumber 0
1/2 small Avocado 100
1/4C Light Feta 70
1 Tbl Vinegar 5

210 Cal
11g Fat
10g Protein

Snack
1/2C Blueberries

40 Cal
0g Fat
0g Protein

Dinner
1/2C Chickpeas 105
1C Green beans 50
1/4C Peas 40
1C Tomatoes 50
1/2 Tbl EVOO 40
1 Stalk Celery 0
1/8 Red Onion 0
Sambal 0
Cilantro 0
Garlic 0

285 Cal
9g Fat
15g Protein

Total
705 Cal
25g Fat
42g Protein

Net Intake
605 Cal

Harder, Better, Smaller, Faster

Today is a better day. I've been skipping dinners and meals because I've been so stressed. It's been working in my favour. I can clearly see all of my ribs when I stand without stretching. My thighs don't touch at all. And Honour Regzig if you are still around - I haven't lost my tits!

J and I worked things out. It's still pretty rocky and scary but we're committed to making it work and I really needed to hear that. I went over to drop off gluten-free banana bread that I made for his mom and things were really really weird but after talking late at night on the phone I feel so much better. I promised myself that if he wasn't through with me right there in that moment that I would give up gangja. The way I see it - it would have eventually caught up with me. If I kept smoking he would have found out theres no doubting that, if we move in together I would have to quit anyway, and realistically I don't see myself smoking for my whole life so it's really inevitable.

Tonight I'm going to to Andrews house and I have my black bikini ready. Well almost, I still have to find my bottoms around here somewhere. I'm not even an ounce nervous to see him. I just want to hit that reset button, thats how I feel when I'm with Andrew. This week has been so stressful I know I need some down time with someone I can do ANYTHING in front of, you know? Just not have to worry.

Anyway, right now I'm eating my breakfast omlette: 3/4C Egg beaters, 1/4C Part-skim Mozza, Spinach and sauteed onions Total: 225 Calorie 12g Fat 25g Protein. Don't really have much in the house for lunch so I'm hoping I can get away with snacking on fruit strategically timed throughout the day. Lately my Nonno (who I work with) has been wanting to have big sit down lunches in the meeting room and preparing things for everyone. I usually cop out and just have my pre-made salad but I'll eat with them. If I have nothing they will make me eat something. I'll have to pull some tricks out of my sleeve. But I know I won't eat. Not with being in a bikini later tonight. I'd rather die. Then probably a smoothie for dinner since it'll be a bit later and I'm lazy and it's quick. I'll post pics tomorrow if I feel brave. That will hopefully be enough to keep the binge away tonight after a sudden release of stress.

Barely

Currently eating anywhere between 600-1300 calories and burning a minimum of 200ish every day by walking to/from work. (2.4k each way) plus atleast one yoga class. I weighed myself at J's house and he has one of those analog scales with the pointer thingy and I'm not quite convinced it works but he swears if you set it to zero then it's correct. Anyways, it said somewhere like 117/118. Kinda in between the 115 half mark and 120. I'm almost 5ft6. The lowest I've ever seen it. So far. Once I hit under 115 I'm officially considered "underweight." J and I are doing pretty well. Or atleast we have been... Seeing his hometown and meeting his family went well and our vacation was beautiful. We've been talking ("down the road") about moving in together, and he's currently trying to find a place to buy. My thought is that once that purchase goes through he'll soon after ask me to move in. Right now his parents are in town and it's giving both of us a ton of stress. Last weekend he found more pot in my room and even though I thought that he knew I was still doing that to help balance my adrenal gland disorder (basically adrenaline/norepinephrine coursing through you all day) he apparently didn't. So it kinda blew his mind and he had a serious crisis of faith and I swear we nearly broke up. That was on Saturday night. We're still reeling and I can barely even get him to speak to me on the phone. He told me he loved me once today. But when I called him his voice was so full of spite and callouss I apologized for being a bother and that I'd let him go. He softened up some but I'm sick with worry about this. My nonno and his business partner got back from a 1 month trip to Italy yesterday and today was their first day back. Fuck me I had forgotten how much I hated going into that office with her. Oh, and by the way... I made plans with Andrew this week after he initiated communication. There may or may not have been mention of a hot tub session on his deck. I would never do anything to cheat on J, but is it totally wrong I want to get into a bikini and make my ex fucking drool? Isn't that everyones dream?