A mess! What else is new?

Hey lovelies! I don't have time for a big post but we'll see how far I get before I have to run off to work!
I've been locking myself in my room the past week...
It all started last Wednesday, I finally just decided to take the plunge and tell Andrew how I feel.
I asked him if anything thats been happening between us had meant anything to him, and like the pussy he can be his response was 'um, can you answer that first so I can gauge your response before I say anything'.
SERIOUSLY.
I've seen his balls. they are there. somewhere. but right now his sandy vagina is fucking up everything.
So i told him I had feelings for him. and he told me,
" I have told you this before so you wouldn't have to tell me. I cannot move further than where we're at now. Sorry"
One of the most diplomatic let downs I've ever encountered.
My response to this was to leave work, go straight home to bed, and smoke and pop myself into a drug coma and sleep, I've been sleeping on average minimum 12 hours a day and one day I slept 18 hours. I just want to pretend none of this happened. But I know in order to move forward, or really move in any direction that's something we cant do. I'm fighting what feels natural to me, those 'brushed under the rug' come so naturally and I am such a good pretender...
So I've been licking my wounds the last few days, I haven't been talking to anyone. I can't handle public interactions. I can't be around people. I fake everything, nothing they say really seems to evoke a lot of emotion out of me. But I am trying really hard. I am putting myself in those uncomfortable situations more often and forcing myself to try and talk to my close friends instead of being completely anti-social.
The good thing about this tactic is that I've lost weight! Wednesday, Thursday and Friday all I had was coffee, diet coke, and I think one of my protein shakes, total over the 3 days. Now I've slowly started working in some laughing cow light cheese (40cals) into my broccoli soup (90 cals) and having some orange juice (100 cals) or source yogurt (35 cals).
The results have been great! My friends are all back home now from University so we'll see if they notice. My best friend told me how small I've gotten as soon as she hugged me. As sad as this is, all I'm working towards is hugging Andrew again and having him feel how much smaller I am in his arms and changing his view of me.
Back to Andrew, I've been heart broken. Paralyzed is really more like it. I've never gone out on a limb like this, put myself out there and gone for what I want and been this terrified. I threw up (not on purpose) right before I even told him. Seriously. How pathetic am I?
So We haven't been speaking much obviously and he asked me why I havent been talking to him. That was something I wasnt expecting. I thought he'd leave it in my court for me to handle and see how I reacted, most likely like nothing happened, and out of politeness he'd oblige.
We decided that on Thursday we'd talk and see what happens. No matter what I know that it won't go in my favor. I don't think he's ready. And it makes me so fucking angry. Because he CAN do this. He is just so damn scared. Even after I took the fear of rejection off the table he still couldn't commit. I dont know how to predict this outcome or try and hear the voice in his head and figure this all out. That's something I can always do. I never put myself in a situation where I didn't analyze all possible consequences and the probability of each consequence occuring. I hate this.
I miss him so much. Ironically if this was some other boy that was making me feel this way, Andrew would be the first person I'd call. He always makes me feel like myself. Like I can hit 'reset' just by seeing him.
I want to fight for us. I want to call him about. I want to tell him I know how scared he is, because I'm right there. I want to tell him he's not alone. I want to tell him I know a part of him still loves me. I want to tell him that I know that he can, if he lets himself. I want to do this, for real. seriously.
I must be going crazy right?
Fuck, girls I'm so sorry my thoughts are so screwed around right now. I thought writing them down might help me a bit but I just can't seem to get them together. I'm gonna be so screwed for Thursday. So help me God I don't cry.

Food related, obviously I'm avoiding food at all costs because if i eat bad bad things will happen. And too much is at stake right now, I can't afford a fucking mistake. The only things I've been eating are:
coffee (with organic sugar)
diet coke
water
tea
broccoli soup
source yogurt
boiled veggies (in the water they were boiled in *for nutrients* as a soup with spices *to kick metabolism*)
laughing cow light cheese (ONLY in soup and only once a weekish)
seriously thats it.

So good right?!?! I don't know how I'm going to get through this weekend though. This thursday I have a Dubstep concert to go to with my friends, and it's going to be right after my talk to Tim. So last week when I went to a concert and was able to stick to only sugar free redbull, will not be happening. I'm probably going to be doing some emotional drinking which I've accepted as reality but I know it's going to fuck me up so bad because of this fast. On Friday I tried to go to a concert with some friends and to stop myself from drinking empty calories, I took some T3's to kinda give me a high with the pot I smoked earlier, and it takes away my appetite. Well I guess I over did it or something but I couldn't keep anything down. Diet coke, water, ginger ale, nothing. I was throwing up involuntarily constantly and consistently. It was awful. So obviously that's the last thing I want to happen again. I'm going to try really hard not to drink but the fact of the matter is I could probably use one then and denying myself that outlet will most likely lead to me trying to relieve my emotions through another means, like food.
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD
I'll try a vodka tonic with lime, that's easy on the stomach and the calories.

Basically I'm a mess! But what else is new?
Guys I want this so fucking bad. It's all I can think about. Please send me some support out there!

Love each and every one of you!!

Ana's Angel

xo

parts of history

Hey guys, I'm still catching up on everyones blogs! It's hard to find time with the holidays and everything but I have been reading at every chance I get!
Today is my second day of a liquid fast, I'm hoping that'll shape my butt into gear and I already can see results. My stomach is flatter. My legs feel longer and leaner and this high that I get is amazing.
P.S having coffee on an empty stomach = cocaine like high.. just FYI

So surprise surprise, I have feelings for Andrew again.. I know who saw that coming right? Let's back up a bit and recap you all on my lovel ife. I promise I'll keep it breif.
Remember how I was trying to 'choose' between Andrew and Curtis (Military Man)? Yeah so Curtis just basically upped and deserted me. He was supposed to come visit me, we only live a ferry ride apart, when he was home from his tour. For whatever reason he didn't and I have not heard a single word from him since. He was going on and off the grid and was trying to explain to me that he was having communication issues with people and is going through a huge adjustment in his life going back to civilian living but eventually just broke down and stopped talking to me. I dont even remember the last thing he ever really wrote to me, some minor details about him coming to see me probably. Well he never did, and I sent him a message saying that I was getting the feeling I was never going to see him again. Well I may be fat but I'm not dumb cus that's exaclty what has happened.
He broke my heart.
That's the first time I've admit that. None of my friends really heard a lot about him, because I was living in Italy and everything was happening so fast so none of them really realized how much this affected me. I still have a picture of him and I kissing in Rome in my nighstand drawer, ironically next to the condom wrapper I weirdly saved from Andrew and I's first time together. (who the fuck am i??) I swallowed every tear and didn't talk to a single person about it. Instead, I logically fucked one of my guy friends so I had something else to seem upset about. This was good and bad. Mostly good because I needed the distraction, gotta find a way to shove those feelings down your throat right? It was bad because my friend, Rick*, was one of my good friend's ex boyfriends, and is also best friends with a close friend of mine, who's sister is my BEST friend. Confused yet? I know.
Long story short, no one was mad, everything was settled. But Rick's friend whose sister is my best friend, was/is in love with me.. more on that later
I dumped Rick because he kinda treated me poorly. We went on nice dates, expensive dinners and the sex was great but I just felt like I was annoying him at times. Might have been some crazy complex about my self esteem or the kid just loved to whine but he is now out of the picture.
Here's the doozie: Andrew. Every other time Andrew and I have hooked up, the following takes place: we both ignore eachother, playing this stupid fucking game of chicken until one of us caves and makes the first point of communication. That person now looses all control and the other one gets to have the talk about how 'we just arent ready for a relationship' (or something to that existent) Because even though we both have feelings for eachother, we will never admit them. Because then we are weak.
I'M OVER THAT.
I know right, huge steps forward. I actually want to BE with him. I've realized that we've been going round and round this fucking merry go round and doing this god damn dance together, when for the last 5 years, somehow someway we always end up with eachother. No matter what happens, no matter who moves to a different country, or who breaks whose heart, (there might need to be a 'whom' in here somewhere, whom the fuck cares) we always find our way back together. In some form.
I realized this last Friday. After I took him to a hockey game and he slept over for the second time that week. I'm too fucked up for anyone else. He's the only person who knows how to handle me, that I can actually tolerate. He's the one I think about first no matter what happens. The one I want to always be with or see no matter what I'm doing. God this is pathetic...

So, I'm trying this whole: DONT PROCRASTINATE BECAUSE WHEN YOU AVOID MAKING A DECISION EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT YOU USUALLY GET FUCKED BECAUSE OF IT.

What I actually did: Not tell him how I feel.

I suck.

I'm terrified! And I'm fat! How can I expect him to ever love me the way he did when I'm 20 pounds heavier now than I was?!
Now all of my energy is being poured into Ana, once I'm skinny I'll have some sort of right to ask him to love me.
In the mean time, Andrew has been sleeping with this other girl, we'll call her *Mary. Mary is not important. And the weird thing is, I don't even feel jealous about it... I've been in his life way longer than she is, she's not all that attractive (at least in my eyes) and history has proven to me that one way or another he'll come back.
Thought: If I'm banking on him and her breaking up just because that's whats always happened I'm a bit of an idiot, am I not?
Don't answer that.
Actually go ahead I havent had a comment on here in a while...
So to sum it up, I'm crazy (who knew?..) I'm still scared and hopelessly in love with Andrew (things have totally changed there...) and I'm still not telling him about it.
Once I loose this weight I know that everything will turn around. I know it will. It has before.

I'm trying to do a 3 day liquid fast, yesterday I had 1 diet coke, copious amounts of coffee, a smoothie that I made with 1 banana, almond milk, ice and 1 scoop of this protien powder I've picked up. It's great, 110 cals, 20g of protein plus it has 1 serving of greens and a buncha good junk for your body.
That seemed to kick start my hunger so I had a bowl of V8 broccoli soup and then cut up 2 slices of laughing cow light cheese to it. 200 cals there. Not bad.
Today I've had 2 cups of cofee, 6 shots of espresso (yep) and now I'm sipping on a diet coke. When I get home from work I'll make another protein smoothie but thats all I'm going to allow for today.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to decorate the Christmas tree with my Mom and Sister, and my Mom told me that she is buying Moscato, which is my favourite type of wine so I'll have to have a glass but maybe she won't give me shit if I don't finish it...

Stay Strong & Think Thin

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo

Returned.

Helloooo Cyberworld! I am back! For now.. who ever really knows those things. I know I've neglected a lot of you for a long time and I am so so SO sorry, especially my dear friend CinnamonBrown.
This post is going to be a mess, right now I am so wired on caffeine I feel like there are 5 clones of me in the room yelling at eachother trying to type.
It never seems to matter how long you are gone from Ana's world, or think you are.. you always end up in the same place. You change your goals, tell yourself, 'I'm better now' you think you can be happy. What a fucking stupid bitch I am for thinking that could happen.
There has been so much that has gone on since I last posted. I am dying to tell you all everything but first I want to catch up on all of your blogs and offer some support before I turn into my selfish story telling ways.

I will tell all of you this: I am so glad I am back, but as we all know there's that small part of you that regrets being here. It's the same part of you that exhales with relief once order is restored, that saddens itself with these things.
I've gone Vegetarian now, which has been going pretty well. I stopped eating meat in the very beginning of September. At first I had a bit of a weight gain because I was trying to be 'healthy' and was concerned about my protein intake, so suddenly cheese was a safe food, and carbs we're okay again...
FUCK THAT NOISE.

Now I'm back to dropping weight with the help of a serious caffeine addiction, and filling up on veggies. The only real protein I eat is lite tofu (which is 130cals for a portion about the size of both my hand sput together) and some laughing cow light cheese. Going to try and keep this up for as long as possible and then switch.

Think Thin & Stay Strong

love.love.love.

Ana's Angel

xo