I'm on the verge of losing everything and every day I live in fear, wondering if it will be today, it it's already happening... and I'll be right back to where I started a year ago.
Alone.
Afraid.
Fat.
Unloved.
Sad.
Weak.
Pained.
Brittle.
Scarred.
Angry.
Shattered.
I love J more than anything. When I think about how much I love him it nearly makes my mind implode, like when you try and think about the Universe and it's vast greatness. Never did I think this would be possible. So why then do I continue to lie to him and jeopardize the greatest thing that has ever happened to me? He thinks I quit smoking pot in August. It made him feel like he couldn't make me happy, and that I needed a drug. He's right. Love isn't enough; it doesn't solve all my problems.
I am so fearful of what anyone thinks of me, I can't get myself out of my house to go to school. I will lose my scholarship and be forced to take student loans, further postponing my graduation which just makes J's impatient tapping foot even louder. I have no job, and further put myself into debt living off of credit cards my mother questions be about and works 2 jobs but still manages to support and cover my ass. My sister has learned how to make herself throw-up by watching me wither away in the kitchen, barely eating and pretending I'm fine. I constantly cause my family pain by my refusal to have a relationship with my father. It strains my grandparents and sister, and I don't know whether they are more frustrated or annoyed with my stubborn arguments that I just can't trust him. It hurts my mother to see me in pain, J wants me to find peace with it somehow.
I dream and dream and dream of what my life could be like. J and I getting married, having babies and being successful. Having it all. But what kind of mother can show her child how beautiful they are when all she sees is ugly in her reflection? And what kind of wife sneaks away from her sleeping husband to ravage the fridge at 3am only hoping to make it to the grocery store quick enough so he doesn't notice how much is gone. And how am I supposed to be successful when my eating disorder has made me so insecure and self conscious that I hide in my bed for days on end because even I don't want to see what my body looks like.
I smoke pot so I can relax my mind. Turn off these thoughts and pray they disappear just for a while. Just long enough for me to get some sleep and rest just for a little while. But instead my brain fires off again and again making sweeping declarations and realizations with out of body experiences and questions about death. Like maybe I am so scared of failing because I cannot have another after-dinner-conversation with my parents and admit that I fucked up again, with school. I still feel like a child who is fearful of consequences but they only apply to me. The more mistakes I make, the more I hurt myself, and I am responsible for my own pain but I cannot make it stop. How can I tell them that the money is gone and I'm struggling and I really don't know if I can make this. And maybe I need to lie to J because deep down I am fearful that he truly will not understand my struggle and instead throw it back in my face. His hardships have made him stronger; mine have knocked me down. It takes me longer to regain my strength each time and I feel like I'm always racing against a buzzer. That any moment everything will fall apart like a house of cards with just one comment, one question, one look. Keeping everything together and in line and in order is hard, but it's the game I live for. How twisted does that make me?
I would wish for death if only I wasn't burdened with the knowledge of how much pain it would cause the people I love.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Progress
Oct.15.2012
Breakfast:
Spinach & Feta Omlette
200 Cal
14g Fat
16g Protein
Dinner:
Tofu and Broccoli Stirfry
w/ spinach, onions & snap peas
200 Cal
2g Fat
20g Protein
Smoothie:
Banana + 1/2 cup Blueberries
w/ almond milk, spinach & Protein Powder
300 Cal
4g Fat
28g Protein
Snacks:
1/2 small Cantelope
75 Cal
Apple
70 Cal
Cardio: 600
(300 X2)
Total: 845 Cal
21g Fat
64g Protein
This weekend was hard, I spent time with my friends, and actually got to go out for dinner with J, but it was stressful. Being social is stressful. I used to be the social butterfly, the girl who couldn't shut up in class, the one with 'potential'. I feel like I'm a waste of space. I do nothing with myself, so focused on my image and how I look. God I'm superficial.
I wonder how my boyfriend loves me. Every time he tells me I lit up, glowing, because it seems unbelievable. He says the way I smile when he tells me makes him melt, I wonder if he'd still feel the same way if he knew it's really because for one second, I think it's possible to love me. But then I remember all of things he doesn't know about me, and the only comfort I have is in the fact that he's in love with someone I want to be. All I have to do is achieve my goals, be the girl he thinks I already am, apply myself and work hard and it's all in reach. But if I fail I lose him. He won't love me, I am a failure and how could he love me then? He's far too logical to understand. Compassion and sympathy aren't his strong suits, and it worry's me when he can't comfort me. Like on Saturday.
I lay there crying and shaking uncontrollably as he tries to blanket me with his body and keep me still. Kissing my cheeks and tasting salty tears, stroking my hair off of my face, begging me to look at him and uncover my face, just holding me instead. I fell asleep hating him for pushing me to open up. Life is too much right now and he didn't believe me when I said I couldn't talk about it. I tried and I fell apart. We spent the next morning in silence, without a word the whole car ride home, no 'I love you' as I closed the car door. I texted him later that night and he called and apologized for pressuring me to talk. He had guilted me saying, "I guess it's just none of my business then". I know this will take work.
J kept asking me, "What's with this new health kick?" and "Why are you working out so much?"
Well baby, it's because I think I look like a whale that takes up too much space, too much time, with too many problems and deep down I know you agree. I do this because whether you know it or not, you won't love me other wise, and I don't know how I could ever live without you. And because if I didn't, I would undoubtedly go insane. Because I am angry at myself and the people in my life and I don't know what else to do with that anger. Because I frustrate myself with the decisions I make. Because I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Because it's the only type of control I can assert. Because I hope that if everyone is busy gawking at my fragile body they won't wonder about the condition of my heart or my mind.
"I'm just trying to take better care of myself love, thats all."
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The System
Wake up whenever
Decide what I am allowed to eat for the entire day: ration, measure, calculate and organize every calorie, protein and fiber content, including one meal with a serving of whole grains to be eaten post workout for recovery. Recovery meal should have highest protein content for the day. Every meal must include a protein and a vegetable. Include healthy fats but in moderation and never more than once in a day or to be eaten two days in a row. Include one fruit. I am allowed fat free yogurt as an extra snack if it is necessary. Olive oil is allowed once-twice a day in a half a cap full ration.
Only use olive oil in salad dressing if tomatoes are in salad to increase lycopene absorption which aids in the break down of fats.
Healthy fats come from 1/2 an avocado which can be put on a salad or mixed for a dip with 5 melba toast (100cals) on cardio days or with celery sticks on non cardio days.
Calories can never add up to more than 1050 per day. With a 400cal cardio burn, giving a net calorie intake of around 400-600cals.
I can not eat anything until I have a proper breakfast, which is some variation of eggs. every.single.day.
No real eggs, only eat 'egg creations' (a fat free egg substitute) if not available then 3eggwhites+1 whole egg.
Decide the times I am allowed to eat. Plan at least a 3-4 hour window in between each meal.
Before I start cooking, pop 2 hydroxycut max.
Before eating, blaze; then eat breakfast relaxed.
While eating, take my multivitamin, calcium supplement, Vit B6++ & Adrenal gland support pills.
Work out on elliptical 1.5-2 hours after eating breakfast. Burn 400cals in about 45 minutes on the 'weight loss' target option, varying degrees of incline.
Blaze a toke or two before working out, helps time go by faster and zone out and get lost in happy thoughts.
Check time I finish exercising, and time myself within a 45 minute window to eat lunch. (only time I may consume a grain, if the day is a 'recovery' then no carbs will be consumed)
Check time when I finish eating; ensure that there is a long enough period of time before I had decided to eat dinner; adjust and post-pone if necessary.
Usually around 7 o clock I start cooking dinner, take 2 hydroxycut max. It must include a protein and be comprised mostly of vegetables. Usually either a salad or a stir-fry of some kind. Fruit can be for dessert.
Take adrenal gland support pill after eating.
No eating after 9 o clock.
Drink at least 3 (goal 4 or 5) full 650ml water bottles.
Do situps/ab workout at some point during the day. Change time of day throughout the week.
I am allowed 1, maybe 2 diet sodas a day only.
Cardio workouts should occur on a 2 on 1 off schedule.
Ab workout should occur on a 3 on 1 off schedule, cardio and strength training 'off' or 'recovery' days cannot be on the same day.
Stretch at least twice a day, when I wake up and before sleeping.
This is my detailed schedule that I've stuck to the last week. I feel fantastic. Some mornings I wake up and feel like just getting really stoned and binging on pasta and yam fries and mashed potatoes but I don't feel deprived because I am including pasta/rice (whole grain only) into my diet. Because I can only eat them on the days I work out, I feel like I am earning the right to eat them. Because I am planning out my meals at the beginning of the day, I get excited about what I get to include, and generally enjoy cooking my meals. It also helps to not decide what to eat when I am really hungry, because I believe that I let my hunger get in the way of my diet. It gets me through my workout when I know that then I get to eat a delicious meal that will make me satisfied. It doesn't take much to make me feel full anymore, and my shift into a higher protein diet makes me perfectly full. The high I get from my workout, coupled with the caffeine rush of diet pills and the encouragement of a few bong hoots replaces the high I craved with starvation. Anytime I have doubts or feel like giving up I do sit ups and the endorphins immediately boost my mood and I'm back in the game.The fat content coming from healthy vegetable fats, or soy products keeps my mind clear so I can actually have complete thoughts; rather than the fleeting half depressed and confused thoughts that occured when I would fast. I don't miss the high from fasting, because I feel in control. I feel like I have a plan, I decide when and what I can eat to optimize my goals. Me, myself and I.
This is how I am ensuring that my metabolism doesn't get fucked over. And I am strong enough to excercise and build lean muscle. What I was noticing was that when I wasn't eating any carbs what so ever (starch/breads at all) was that was all I would end up binging on really. I would gain weight very quickly, but also take it off quicker than usual when I could get my act together and end a week long binge series. I wasn't eating enough protein so what I think was happening with my quick weight gain/off was the muscle being repaired that had been damaged from a too-low protein diet. When your body digests starchs or carbs, the break down releases a hormone that helps you relax. When my sister was diagnosed with severe sleep-apnea, her doctor told her that one possible contribution to her weight gain could be the fact that when your body does not receive enough sleep, your brain signals to your body to eat more and more carbohydrates as they are a direct source of energy. Reversely, when you do not eat enough carbohydrates it can make falling asleep and staying asleep harder. My allowance of grains and working out gives me a sound body and mind to sleep better. I still blaze before bed every night to make falling asleep quicker because I just can't be left alone with no distractions from my thoughts for too long. I get lost.
I still hear Ana in the back of my mind, every single fucking time I eat my recovery meal telling me that I don't really need all that food. I don't need the rice, or the pasta or the fat free cottage cheese. Sometimes I will trade in items on a last minute decision basis (usually toppings on a salad) to slash my calorie intake but as long as my protein content in the meal is high enough (aiming for 15g+) then it's alright. Because I am seeing results in the mirror, I can calm her down with evidence that this is working. But she tells me how much faster I would loose the weight if I just skipped a meal here, or threw the rest of that meal away, or save it for later. Sometimes I believe her, and sometimes I will put my fork down if I feel full. Even if I know I haven't eaten enough yet. But if I'm not hungry then why eat? In the mornings it takes me a longer and longer time to feel hungry. But I make sure that I always go to bed hungry so I know and I tell myself that I just need to eat something to start to feel hungry. This is one of the hardest parts of my day, to convince myself that I need to eat when my body doesn't tell me to, so that my body can start to tell me when to eat (getting hungry) It makes me feel backwards. Sometimes I'll do 100-150 situps to get myself a little hungry and wanting to eat. Which again makes me feel backwards, 'why would I want to make myself hungry?' but 'it's excercise, which is good for you anyways so why not do the sit ups?'
That's the constant battle in my head, back and forth, second guessing every decision I make, deeming them necessary or unnecessary and attempting to deserve what I've allowed myself to have.
Any thoughts or suggestions?? What are your regimens that make you feel in control?
Decide what I am allowed to eat for the entire day: ration, measure, calculate and organize every calorie, protein and fiber content, including one meal with a serving of whole grains to be eaten post workout for recovery. Recovery meal should have highest protein content for the day. Every meal must include a protein and a vegetable. Include healthy fats but in moderation and never more than once in a day or to be eaten two days in a row. Include one fruit. I am allowed fat free yogurt as an extra snack if it is necessary. Olive oil is allowed once-twice a day in a half a cap full ration.
Only use olive oil in salad dressing if tomatoes are in salad to increase lycopene absorption which aids in the break down of fats.
Healthy fats come from 1/2 an avocado which can be put on a salad or mixed for a dip with 5 melba toast (100cals) on cardio days or with celery sticks on non cardio days.
Calories can never add up to more than 1050 per day. With a 400cal cardio burn, giving a net calorie intake of around 400-600cals.
I can not eat anything until I have a proper breakfast, which is some variation of eggs. every.single.day.
No real eggs, only eat 'egg creations' (a fat free egg substitute) if not available then 3eggwhites+1 whole egg.
Decide the times I am allowed to eat. Plan at least a 3-4 hour window in between each meal.
Before I start cooking, pop 2 hydroxycut max.
Before eating, blaze; then eat breakfast relaxed.
While eating, take my multivitamin, calcium supplement, Vit B6++ & Adrenal gland support pills.
Work out on elliptical 1.5-2 hours after eating breakfast. Burn 400cals in about 45 minutes on the 'weight loss' target option, varying degrees of incline.
Blaze a toke or two before working out, helps time go by faster and zone out and get lost in happy thoughts.
Check time I finish exercising, and time myself within a 45 minute window to eat lunch. (only time I may consume a grain, if the day is a 'recovery' then no carbs will be consumed)
Check time when I finish eating; ensure that there is a long enough period of time before I had decided to eat dinner; adjust and post-pone if necessary.
Usually around 7 o clock I start cooking dinner, take 2 hydroxycut max. It must include a protein and be comprised mostly of vegetables. Usually either a salad or a stir-fry of some kind. Fruit can be for dessert.
Take adrenal gland support pill after eating.
No eating after 9 o clock.
Drink at least 3 (goal 4 or 5) full 650ml water bottles.
I eat spinach every single day, either wilted in an omlette or stir-fry or in a salad.
I try not to eat the same veggies more than once in a day.
I will try an add onion/garlic to anything I can to add bulk to my food.
I try and include one meal with chopped spicy red pepper for capsicum to boost my metabolism. Best to consume with breakfast (chopped into eggs) to kick start metabolism for the day. Also encourages a bowel movement.
Ensure at least one bowel movement a day. Examine excrement (just in the bowl) to try and determine what has exited my body and calculate how long my body takes to process what I am eating.
Each meal cannot exceed 300 calories.
I try and eat as little processed food as possible, only raw natural foods that I cook. The exception being soy products that are high in protein. (like chick'n cutlets or fake chick'n strips)
No meat or fish. (I've been a vegetarian for over a year now)
Only 2 cheese rations per day, like with eggs or topped in a salad.
Do situps/ab workout at some point during the day. Change time of day throughout the week.
I am allowed 1, maybe 2 diet sodas a day only.
Cardio workouts should occur on a 2 on 1 off schedule.
Ab workout should occur on a 3 on 1 off schedule, cardio and strength training 'off' or 'recovery' days cannot be on the same day.
Stretch at least twice a day, when I wake up and before sleeping.
This is my detailed schedule that I've stuck to the last week. I feel fantastic. Some mornings I wake up and feel like just getting really stoned and binging on pasta and yam fries and mashed potatoes but I don't feel deprived because I am including pasta/rice (whole grain only) into my diet. Because I can only eat them on the days I work out, I feel like I am earning the right to eat them. Because I am planning out my meals at the beginning of the day, I get excited about what I get to include, and generally enjoy cooking my meals. It also helps to not decide what to eat when I am really hungry, because I believe that I let my hunger get in the way of my diet. It gets me through my workout when I know that then I get to eat a delicious meal that will make me satisfied. It doesn't take much to make me feel full anymore, and my shift into a higher protein diet makes me perfectly full. The high I get from my workout, coupled with the caffeine rush of diet pills and the encouragement of a few bong hoots replaces the high I craved with starvation. Anytime I have doubts or feel like giving up I do sit ups and the endorphins immediately boost my mood and I'm back in the game.The fat content coming from healthy vegetable fats, or soy products keeps my mind clear so I can actually have complete thoughts; rather than the fleeting half depressed and confused thoughts that occured when I would fast. I don't miss the high from fasting, because I feel in control. I feel like I have a plan, I decide when and what I can eat to optimize my goals. Me, myself and I.
This is how I am ensuring that my metabolism doesn't get fucked over. And I am strong enough to excercise and build lean muscle. What I was noticing was that when I wasn't eating any carbs what so ever (starch/breads at all) was that was all I would end up binging on really. I would gain weight very quickly, but also take it off quicker than usual when I could get my act together and end a week long binge series. I wasn't eating enough protein so what I think was happening with my quick weight gain/off was the muscle being repaired that had been damaged from a too-low protein diet. When your body digests starchs or carbs, the break down releases a hormone that helps you relax. When my sister was diagnosed with severe sleep-apnea, her doctor told her that one possible contribution to her weight gain could be the fact that when your body does not receive enough sleep, your brain signals to your body to eat more and more carbohydrates as they are a direct source of energy. Reversely, when you do not eat enough carbohydrates it can make falling asleep and staying asleep harder. My allowance of grains and working out gives me a sound body and mind to sleep better. I still blaze before bed every night to make falling asleep quicker because I just can't be left alone with no distractions from my thoughts for too long. I get lost.
I still hear Ana in the back of my mind, every single fucking time I eat my recovery meal telling me that I don't really need all that food. I don't need the rice, or the pasta or the fat free cottage cheese. Sometimes I will trade in items on a last minute decision basis (usually toppings on a salad) to slash my calorie intake but as long as my protein content in the meal is high enough (aiming for 15g+) then it's alright. Because I am seeing results in the mirror, I can calm her down with evidence that this is working. But she tells me how much faster I would loose the weight if I just skipped a meal here, or threw the rest of that meal away, or save it for later. Sometimes I believe her, and sometimes I will put my fork down if I feel full. Even if I know I haven't eaten enough yet. But if I'm not hungry then why eat? In the mornings it takes me a longer and longer time to feel hungry. But I make sure that I always go to bed hungry so I know and I tell myself that I just need to eat something to start to feel hungry. This is one of the hardest parts of my day, to convince myself that I need to eat when my body doesn't tell me to, so that my body can start to tell me when to eat (getting hungry) It makes me feel backwards. Sometimes I'll do 100-150 situps to get myself a little hungry and wanting to eat. Which again makes me feel backwards, 'why would I want to make myself hungry?' but 'it's excercise, which is good for you anyways so why not do the sit ups?'
That's the constant battle in my head, back and forth, second guessing every decision I make, deeming them necessary or unnecessary and attempting to deserve what I've allowed myself to have.
Any thoughts or suggestions?? What are your regimens that make you feel in control?
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Method to Madness
1 Cup self esteem, beaten and whisked
1 Cup perfectionism, strained
2 Cups self hatred
1/2 Cup discipline
Blend and try your best to enjoy.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just sum it up like that? Like we could explain ourselves in measures so simple and methodical and calculated that it might even seem rational... Unfortunately life is messy, and no two people are the same, and we all want it for different reasons. But the want is our need and that is what binds us.
The last few days I've been eating about 1000 cals. A lot, I know. But I've been on my elliptical every single day burning 500cals of that, and I'm back on the hydroxycut. Yesterday morning I threw up my breakfast apple when my heart rate jumped and stayed to 202... Today will be my 'recovery' day. God I hate the way that sounds... I hate taking a break even more, it makes me feel fat and lazy now. Like I don't deserve to eat if I don't burn off what I hate on me already. Food becomes seemingly unnecessary. I've been focusing on cardio with ab strength training, seeing as those are my two biggest trouble areas; thighs ass and tummy. My legs already are feeling wonderfully lean, I no longer feel the tops jiggle when I walk and I can take what I could only describe as 'long, clean strides'. My tummy isn't as flabby anymore but the shape is entirely wrong. When I turn to the side I appear slim but my stomach is just too wide. I also have wider set hip bones and a naturally pear shaped body which I hatehatehate.
Does anyone else seem to validate their actions with imaginary behavorial reinforcements from those in their life that give them motivation to starve? I feel like I do this all damn day long with J.
"He didn't kiss me as soon as he woke up because my shirt is riding up and he can see the muffin top my panties caused"
"He hasn't called me all day because he can't stop thinking about how fat I looked last night"
"He asked me if I still go to the gym because I've put on weight and look like a pig"
It's crazy but in my mind it's like I can pretend that this is what he wants me to do, really. He might say one thing but what he really wants is a thin perfect beautiful girlfriend to be proud of and show off. He might say he loves me but he's just saying it because he hopes it inspires me to loose weight for him. When he looks at my plate and tells me that I must be hungry it's really his way of telling me I don't need to eat that much.
But I will get there dammit.
1 Cup perfectionism, strained
2 Cups self hatred
1/2 Cup discipline
Blend and try your best to enjoy.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just sum it up like that? Like we could explain ourselves in measures so simple and methodical and calculated that it might even seem rational... Unfortunately life is messy, and no two people are the same, and we all want it for different reasons. But the want is our need and that is what binds us.
The last few days I've been eating about 1000 cals. A lot, I know. But I've been on my elliptical every single day burning 500cals of that, and I'm back on the hydroxycut. Yesterday morning I threw up my breakfast apple when my heart rate jumped and stayed to 202... Today will be my 'recovery' day. God I hate the way that sounds... I hate taking a break even more, it makes me feel fat and lazy now. Like I don't deserve to eat if I don't burn off what I hate on me already. Food becomes seemingly unnecessary. I've been focusing on cardio with ab strength training, seeing as those are my two biggest trouble areas; thighs ass and tummy. My legs already are feeling wonderfully lean, I no longer feel the tops jiggle when I walk and I can take what I could only describe as 'long, clean strides'. My tummy isn't as flabby anymore but the shape is entirely wrong. When I turn to the side I appear slim but my stomach is just too wide. I also have wider set hip bones and a naturally pear shaped body which I hatehatehate.
Does anyone else seem to validate their actions with imaginary behavorial reinforcements from those in their life that give them motivation to starve? I feel like I do this all damn day long with J.
"He didn't kiss me as soon as he woke up because my shirt is riding up and he can see the muffin top my panties caused"
"He hasn't called me all day because he can't stop thinking about how fat I looked last night"
"He asked me if I still go to the gym because I've put on weight and look like a pig"
It's crazy but in my mind it's like I can pretend that this is what he wants me to do, really. He might say one thing but what he really wants is a thin perfect beautiful girlfriend to be proud of and show off. He might say he loves me but he's just saying it because he hopes it inspires me to loose weight for him. When he looks at my plate and tells me that I must be hungry it's really his way of telling me I don't need to eat that much.
But I will get there dammit.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
e-meds-tional
Last week I went to the naturpath to solve some underlying health issues, namely insomnia and some problems with my monthly cycle and subsequent symptoms. I was really really nervous to go, so my mom blew $400 at the mall with me just before we went, which I'm pretty sure was a staged event to reinforce a positive memory into the trip rather than the nonchalant, 'Oh look- a mall, hey don't you need new winter sweaters hunny?'
Nontheless the appointment went great, I completely left out my eating disorder of course but ended up with some treatment to help some of their symptoms coincidentally. For instance, to help relieve my stress and help me fall asleep she prescribed Tila Root drops, which are amazing! They are all natural so it's not like you take a Valium and are zonked, it makes you clear and calm. Even when I think about high-anxiety topics like failing school or eating that pasta last night or do I or do I not go out in public today I feel like they are all accomplishable. Because I know in the back of my mind that my anxiety is imaginary- these are not (except school) reasons to stress- the root makes me rational it seems! I did take twice the recommended dose at one time though (though not even coming close to exceeding the daily limit) and my jaw started to go numb a little bit, but it was kinda fun :)
All weekend long I near fasted. J's gotten used to how little I eat, not even asking if I want breakfast some mornings, knowing I'll deny with something or other. The other vitamins the naturpath put me on (B6 & Adrenal Gland support; which she informed me also aids in the break down and burn of fats and supports metoblic reactions yay) I need to eat with food. So I ate as little as possible, a small smoothie (150cals) for breakfast, and a picked out child portion of quinoa stirfry (150cals); sunday I didn't eat all day and then b/p'd when I got home. I can't describe how angry that makes me. When you do so good for so long and then the whole thing goes to shit. The day is not over just because it's dark, calories and fat still count when the sun goes down, goddammit.
This week has been a whole other story. Monday afternoon I come home from J's and shortly later get a call from my mom informing me that my sister is in the hospital. She's okay, gallstones at 18 (she is quite overweight so it's not THAT big of a surprise) but still panic set in. She needs to eat an extremely low fat diet in order not to agitate the stone and therefore send her into a wrath of pain. 2 days later and she's still eating the same. Tuesday find out that my best friend Tina is in the hospital, either kidney or liver infection. Though now on an update she tells me that the doctors have sent her home with absolutely no idea why she is in excruciating pain, or why the antibiotics haven't helped in her pain or symptom management, or why she now has a chronic migraine. She couldn't even speak to me she was so frustrated and emotional and scared. Which in turn has made me frustrated emotional and scared. Some call it empathy but I swear the degree to which I feel pain for the ones I love is strikingly high and real. I haven't eaten all day.
Yesterday I binged. Hard. Purged multiple times, still a lot inside me which luckily has exited quickly. Saw my legs in reflection today at school and actually thought my thighs look decent, narrow even. But then quickly reminded myself that I'm wearing tights and it's just sucking in all your fat for you, it's not real, it doesn't count, you aren't that pretty.
On saturday night, J went out to Ikea and bought candles, poured me a glass of red wine and as we curled up to watch a movie he told me that I am the love of his life.
How could I ever?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)