April 23rd

I'm still here! Don't you worry I'm not going anywhere... except for Punta Cana in 2 weeks!! J and I went bathing suit shopping on the weekend and I managed to get through it without crying, and pleased with the results I saw but obviously praying that certain parts will vanish by the time they're in the Dominican Republic Sun. I came home tonight and my mom bought pistaccios and they are my absolute favourite, so I immediately grabbed the bag and put them in the garbage. Opened them, poured dish soap all over it, tied up the bag and put it in the trash. It makes me a bit sad thinking about it now because I so wish I could have some, but I'm also proud of myself for making that decision. Weird?

I've gotten to the part now where I know the general nutritional break down of everything I consume, and all of my usual meals. I still mentally tally up calories for each meal and rough estimate my days but I'm not so focused on it any more. I don't have the mental capacity for it. Work is eating me up alive. I love it, and I'm getting better and faster at it. I keep all my meals around 200ish cals, and let one meal be the biggest of the day, so up to 400ish. In which case I'll have a detox smoothie (kale, apple, lemon juice, coconut water, celery) because it's so low cal and flushes everything out of you to make up for the extra calories. I'm going to yoga regularly now, I absolutely love it. I make sure I go twice a week, but I always aim for 3. It hasn't happened yet, things keep getting in the way. I went today, and walked home afterwards burning an extra 150 calories. (I google mapped my root and then calculated cals burns)

This weekend I'm going with my Nonno to a Wine Festival out of town for a night. I'm so excited to go, its a black tie event with a very detailed whisky scotch tasting. But obviously the disordered in me is only thinking about food options. Would it be too weird if I brought all my own food? Will I be for SURE forced to eat a dinner out with my Nonno and possibly even some of his business acquaintances? Probably. I'll bring up all my own food, we're going in the morning so I can bring my own breakfast for the ferry ride, and lunch for the way there. But he might want to stop to get lunch as well... I can always get a subway salad, even though those are just filled with nitrates but hey, it's low cal. Then dinner will be the tricky part. Then breakfast the next morning, which I can just get an apple or something on the ferry and then go from there. Problem is that I will end up at J's that night. So that means I need to plan and cook a delicious and low cal dinner that he will enjoy.

I can feel my shoulder bones, like the tops and it's thrilling. My thighs are much slimmer, there's about a two finger gap at the top when my knees are bent and touching. When I lie on my side to watch tv on my computer it's actually quite uncomfortable because all my weigh is on my ribs. And they just out just so, so I have to prop myself up with a pillow. I'm pretty good at hiding the weight loss though. I don't want to spend money on new clothes just yet, plus I"m in so much debt as is. So I've been wearing my mothers clothes for work and she's a size 2/4 and a lot of that stuff is falling off of me. But because it's baggy no one really sees. I'll try and remember to take an update photo tomorrow morning. I got the morning off of work to go get my passport expressed because I still haven't done that yet and I'm starting to freak out. 15 more days until I leave.. 17 until we are in Punta Cana. It's coming so quick!!