Triggering Thoughts

There is a lot that has happened that has been triggering that for whatever reason I've kept from this blog. Most likely because I am still so untrusting of everyone around me, and still believe that my sister and friends either read this, or to some degree know what is going on.  It's how I've been reacting to things, and it's shown me clear examples of how I use my ED as a coping mechanism.

My mom brings up a topic I don't want to talk about, I stop eating pistachios and put them away.

I eat yogurt with pineapple and nothing else all day, and don't feel like I deserve to eat any dinner because J told made a joke about how I ate 'enough for 2 people' at breakfast.

My sister loses weight and all she talks about is how she's slimming down and everyones noticing and she's getting all this attention, when we both know we've gone about losing weight in very similar ways but she gets glorified because she's been fat her whole life. I eat a salad at dinner and get eyed down for not eating enough, or being different, or causing trouble.

When J asks me why I haven't worn a certain pair of jeans in a while and I have to lie to him because I binged for the last few days and now they won't fit anymore.

It actually really bothers me that I react this way, because it makes me feel out of control. This ed isn't just about controlling calories in, calories out; it's what the calories represent. Only object selected may enter, the rest is kept safely at bay; the way we want all aspects of our lives to be.

I truly believe that I will not get anything I want, or go anywhere I'm supposed to until I am at my goal weight. Reading that, it's irrational and has a 'magical thinking' element but it's engrained into me. It's not something I can explain, it's just a steadfast belief that knows no limits and can't be infinitely proven wrong. "I'll be happy when...." "I'll get there if I first just..." "Once I'm finished this, I can start..." It's all about delayed movement, and putting things off. I run from my problems, and hide when they try and find me. A game of tag, once they catch me, I feel free finally, and have these moments of euphoria where I feel like I can do anything, be anyone and I run vivaciously through life until I get close enough to a problem to feel scared enough to run back. What kind of living is that?

The break I get is from spending time with J. Because with him I am a completely different person. I've often thought I'd be a great actress. I know how to give people what they want. I know what they want even if they don't realize it, and I'm convincing. Because all the while I'm pretending, what I'm really doing is asking myself, 'Is this how I'm supposed to be?' I make myself believe it, too.