Pizza

I ate an entire pizza yesterday, and didn't purge it. Have I gone insane? Since when is that okay? I was all over the place all day yesterday. Eating pasta and purging, having risotto and purging, have a bagel and purging. Making a pizza and pouring soap on it fresh out of the oven and pimping hot when it lands in the garbage. 3 Hours later making another pizza with white fucking flour because we have no whole wheat. It didn't even make me feel so full that I could bring it back up. I guess my stomach was already so stretched from all of that other shit going in and out. I used only tomato puree and part-skim mozza( 80cal per 1/3 cup), parmesan (50cal per 2 Tbl), and light swiss (25 cal per piece) but the white flour is really bad.

I weighed myself yesterday when I was empty and I was 128.6. Which is an okay number, even though I'm now obviously up from that. I realized something though, I keep wanting J to somehow appreciate the bones coming through, and in actuality I think he will because he "likes thin girls". But this means he won't ever try and make me stop losing weight. He does encourage me to eat when he sees that I haven't eaten anything but doesn't care if I eat a 400cal day. It feeds into my ed and I see it as encouragement, even though I know in my heart if he ever really knew what I was really doing it would break his heart because he loves me. The thinnest he has ever seen me was during our trip to seattle last May I think, I was 124.4. This whole time my goal weight has been 120, I haven't even gotten that low I don't think, close once or twice, but never there. Now I want it to be 113. 13 is my favourite number and I wanted it close to 115 but this gives me a 2lb floating gap to remain in and still feel safe. I want to be 113 when he takes me to meet his family, and for our trip to Punta Cana.

Surprisingly, I've been feeling better about myself. I can see the changes in my body and the shape of my stomach is looking better since I started doing sit ups and crunches again. J has been really sweet and complimenting me a lot. Our anniversary on Sunday was great, the massages were very relaxing and dinner was at a cute hole-in-the-wall italian place. We had fresh burratta cheese (I had maybe 3 Tbl) with roasted veggies, arugala salad with olive oil, lemon juice and parmesan, and a side of roasted brussels sprouts. The only other thing I ate that day was a piece of babybel cheese (60cal) and 1/2 a small banana (50cal). Now that I have clear motivation and a real picture of what I want my body to look like rather than just 'different' or 'thinner' it's much easier to stay on track. I keep picture J and I in his hometown riding in his Uncle's old Bronco and I have to look kick ass in my cut offs and boots, and I need long lean arms for the tank tops and bathing suits.

So today as usual I told myself I would liquid fast; coffee with almond milk, water, cranberry juice, maybe a protein smoothie but thats it. Because even a taste of food could lead to binging. There isn't anything I'm hungry for but perhaps if I fast all day I will have a small dinner. The other half of me says to restrict normally so that I don't binge, or fuck up my metabolism. I don't know which to listen to.

love always,
loveylou