I hate myself. I can't stop purging. Once I start I can't stop. After I purge suddenly it's rational to refill that void in my stomach with something else. It's disgusting. I spent over an hour cooking this amazing vegan curry but I guess the stress of everything and how full I felt made me purge it up, and then a twice baked yam, and chocolate, and cookies and candied nuts and finally 3 pieces of toast. My stomach feels awful this morning. I'm so tired. My hand is so cramped, I get anxiety if I so much as stretch my fingers out in front of people, worried they'll put the pieces together.

My sister has been in the hospital for the past few days, and my moms been away for the past few days so I've had to step up. It hasn't been that bad but I still worry. I'm so nervous to exchange gifts with J today. I haven't been sleeping all week, I can't stop thinking about what could happen. I keep wrestling with it over and over in my head.

What else could it be if he isn't proposing?? What gift would his mother need to know about after he gives it to me? That doesn't make sense. If it's not a ring, I need to lower my expectations here because I'm set up for disappointment. He probably doesn't even want me. How could he be sure he wants to be with me for the rest of my life?! I'm a fucking mess, a total utter hot mess. Oh ya, he has no idea though. He didn't even ask me to come home with him for the holidays, he can't ask me to marry him without meeting his parents first, right? But the whole trip was so tight with his work schedule it wouldn't have made sense, and he even told you that he wished he brought you with him! Yea well he's just covering his ass because I know he's embarrassed by me, thats the real reason I haven't met his family. What family bullshit was he dealing with over the holidays? He was to tight lipped about it, it must have something to do with me. I hate this. He keeps telling me that he's pretty sure I already know what it is! That I have to know by now, that it's so obvious.. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Now I just feel fucking stupid for not figuring it out. Now if it isn't a ring, and he proposes later on, if at all, I've got to go through all these fucking motions again! Fuck!

I can barely think straight.

love always,
loveylou