Yeah, I'm at it again. Same shit every fucking day.
Wake up - I'm a fat fucking piece of shit, I'm fasting for the whole day to teach myself a lesson and get back on track. I need to let all this food pass I can see it underneath my stomach, one day of fasting to feel clean and pure. I'm actually looking forward to it.
An hour later - I'm kinda hungry, I should be healthy and eat a little something. Just something healthy. Besides if I starve, I'll fuck up my metabolism and its not fucked up yet (HAHA) so lets try.
10 hours later- Holy fuck where did the day go? My room is a fucking disaster there are plates everywhere... Oh my god I binged.. fuck fuck fuck, oh wait I purged at least 3 times that must be okay then... Oh fuck I made cupcakes yesterday? Yup I definitely ate some before bed without getting rid of them after, oh and theres a bucket of puke, cute.
I feel so helplessly out of control. Today I will fast and then let myself eat just one thing. I'm feeling so much pressure because on Thursday I have a job interview at this great restaurant that's brand new, and the largest in the franchise. The thing is, this chain of restaurants has a strong reputation for only hiring the 'pretty hot girls'. No, it's not hooters or anything trashy like that. It's an upscale restaurant, that has some of the hottest girls in the city working for them. It's a bit of a thing of status in my city to say you work there. They did already contact me for an interview which is a great start, and I have a great reference from someone within their company who is fairly well established. I'm just nervous as hell that I'm not going to meet the physical requirements for them, and I will be crushed. I really really need this job, I need to start paying off my debt and getting my life in order.
Every single day is filled with fear and anxiety and hopelessness. I have all of these Christmas parties to go to that is more work than fun. I've become estranged with many people who were close to me, and while I haven't royally fucked up so bad that I should not merit and invitation to their festivities, it's enough to put me on the outskirts and make me feel isolated, even when surrounded by people.
I would love to know what place your interviewing for.. do they have uniforms or no? I got a job at a place kinda like that
ReplyDeletesry your not doing well :( same here things just never go the way I want and i cant seem to control myself :/
Hey Lila, I'm not too sure about the uniforms, it's an all black dress code and I think they offer like black tank tops or dresses you can wear but mostly it's your clothes. There are tons of rules though, heels have to be at least 3in, certain dress lengths for the seasons things like that.
DeleteIt's so stressful! I've worked in places before like this, and it takes you an hour and a freaking half jus to get ready for work. But the money is worth it, am i right? Do you like working at your job?
love always,
xo
Good luck on getting the job! I'm sure they'll hand it to you on a silver platter!!! You go girl!
ReplyDeleteHey! Thanks so much, hopefully your well wishes paid off!! :)
Deletelove always
xo
it sounds like a stressful job and the whole status thing doesnt sound pleasant surely u want to be happy in a job not constantly feeling paranoid if ur good enough
ReplyDeletexx
HEY! Oh my god where have you gone to on the blogger world I haven't been able to find you! :( I know you added me to your blog roll since you made it private but then I could never find a link or anything on my home page for it, are you still writing? I hope you are doing better my love, I think about you so often!
DeleteThe paranoia and stress definitely make it more challenging, but hopefully knowing that my job literally depends on me not binging and looking like a fat cow will keep me in check. Either that or cause me to binge uncontrollably due to the pressure.. let's find out... Honestly the money is worth it, and in this economy I am lucky to take what I can find in the service industry. I can't afford to spend another year trying to find work.
love you!
xo