So my 'broken' scale has been brought back to life, I'm pretty sure it's reading my weight 10 pounds heavier than is true, judging by my size and what I can recall being smaller than I am now, I am currently at about 128 lbs.
Right now I've got the flu, and yesterday I ate pretty well, low cal and healthy to keep up my strength but then binged at night. Fuck. I'm moving past it though and today is a new day and it's been good. I've had my protein shake with a banana, 1/2 cup frozen blueberries, 1 cup of spinach, and protein powder with water. Normally I use almond milk but we're out. So that puts me at 250 cals, 1g Fat, 26g Protein for the day. If I need to, I'll make a spinach salad for dinner with either some cottage cheese or tofu, but that's it for today.
I can fit my hands around my thighs now, not all the way up, but about half way up and my fingers still touch. I can see my ribs when I lift my shirt, more of the bottom ribcage is what I'm after so that I have a sharp waist line. My hip bones are jutting out beautifully, I must say. My arms are still a bit flabby, and I need to tighten up my stomach. My butt is slowly starting to disappear. When I run my hands over my body it no longer feels like my own. It's a stranger, an alien. I don't feel my hands on me instead I feel the body beneath them. It's quite strange.
My stress levels are higher than they have ever been. I count down the days until my life as I know it will be over. Last weekend, J and I drove out of town and went exploring it far away cities. It was quite romantic, and it's something we enjoy doing together. We'll talk about the people there, and what they do... and sometimes we'll talk about the future. THE future. It's something I've day dreamed about since J and I have been together, but we haven't talked much about it together. The ironic thing, is that on the drive out to his house my mother was very upset and wanted to make sure that my education and getting my degree was something that was important to J, and to make sure that I wasn't being swept away by him because he makes good money, and then think that I can depend on him. I promised her that my education and career is just as, if not more important to him, than it is to me. That seemed to put her at ease a bit. But then when J and I went around this town, he really started to get into it. He loved this place, it had a dirt bike track that he could race around in, a manufacturing plant that needed an engineer, cheap homes with fixer-up barns on a dirt road. Middle of fucking nowhere. And believe me, I love to get away from it all, and I would love to live in the suburbs or the outskirts of town, but an hour and a half drive away to the closest big city and everywhere else near you purely farming land is a little too much for this city girl to handle. He got mad when I didn't immediately oblige to agree to be his house wife in this 'hypothetical' situation he had imagined and grown into reality. I threw it back at him and told him, okay well what if I needed to move to Italy for my job (which very well could be a reality if I take over my family business) and he said hands down he would go with me. He could find work there, he would go if that was the only way to be with me. And all of my arguments and defences just crumbled. Lately though, it feels like everyone has just been talking to me about getting married, and having babies and settling down. It's starting to become overwhelming. I need to figure out how I feel about it. I don't feel like it's wrong, just that it's scary.
My sister had decided to start eating healthy again. But I know she is still making herself throw up. Last weekend my mom and I went for a walk and we passed by my sisters open bathroom door and she says 'wow it smells like throw up down here'. I wonder if she's still reading this blog...
I just need to get smaller, just a little big smaller. I put up a new profile picture on facebook that was taken during a professional photo shoot a little while back. I was heavier then but the pic is a close up of my face and it's...captivating. Just like that, all my old guy friends message me wanting to catch up and hang out. It's amazing how predictable men can be. They'll put up with anything as long as you're pretty enough. And that's why I love them dearly. Once I'm tiny, I won't have to deal with this bullshit.
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