Fix This

I've spent my whole life fixing people, or trying to. I'm angry at my father because even though I have figured him out, why he is the way he is, I can't change him. I hold onto that anger because there I cannot control his actions now matter how deeply I understand them.

I date boys who have problems. If they are too clean cut, too nice, too 'normal' I loose interest. I need to constantly be focusing on someone else. Does that make me generous?

I want to be the one that's being helped this time.

I'm dying for someone to notice how exhausted and hurt I am. That I'm broken. But I will do anything to hide this secret of mine. I want someone not ot be afraid of my cracks and bruises, to hold me tight even when I fight them visciously.

I perfect my act. Every lie. Every smile. Stupid, stupid people surround me. How dumb you are.

I want to be looked at, so frail and fragile, that people are afraid to say any wrong thing, for I might break. I want to be so small and child like, that the big bad problems of the world are still too far away for me to comprehend.
It doesn't seem like too much....

Feeling moody, as you can tell. I dyed my hair black last night, I had been thinking about it for a few days and thought 'what the hell'. I dig it, I think it makes me look more striking. Let me know what you guys think!!

So far today I've had

• 3 scrambled egg whites with 1/8 of a onion and 1/3rd of a zuchinni which I'm counting as 100 calories. (it's a bit less)
• 2 cups of coffee (30 cals?)
• A few spoonfulls of split pea soup (est. 20 cals)
• 1 cup of watermelon (50 cals)
• Diet Coke (0 cals)

Total: 200 cals :)

Plus I spent a good amount of time outside with the little one around the park, getting a tan and pushing the stroller, hopefully burnt atleast 100 cals!

I'm going to let myself have a bit more watermelon if necessary, or veggies. I usually tell myself I can have as much veggies as I want with minimal fruit (carbs/sugar) and it prevents binging. Plus if I start thte day with protein it helps me stay fuller during the day, then I snack to keep myself going. Seems to work, though I don't feel like I'm loosing weight fast enough. Calorie shifting is really hard for me, but I'm worried my metabolism is just coasting with this minimal eating. 

It's already so hot here in Rome that my friends want to go to the beach and lay out in the parks and tan and everytime I put on my bikini I get in the foulest mood and just want to slice the fat off my sides. I've tried going in to the pharmacy's to see if there are any diet pills, but the only ones I can find just get rid of your water weight. I want to find Hydroxycut, I've taken it before and it helped soo much!! Anyone know how to get my hands on some???

Also found a tape measure yesterday, my only means of measuring/weighing myself since I have no scale here, my waist is a 28.... twenty fucking eight.. thats DISGUSTING!!

Hope all you lovelies are feeling better than I am.

Stay Strong & Think Thin Beauties <3 

Love, Ana's Angel xo