51 more days until I head back home!! Mix emotions about this as usual. I know as soon as I head back home I'll miss Rome and all the amazing people I've met. But I can't wait to be back home and feel like I can exhale. Ironic because I left home feeling like I couldnt breathe.
Subconciously, I think I sent myself to Italy to heal. Emotionaly, physically, the works. I was doing a lot of drugs, and not eating at all and I knew I needed to subtract myself from this equation I had gotten into. The part of my brain that doesn't want me to die took over and sent me here. I had gotten into such a great habit with my lies and excuses, and filled my house with so many safe foods, it was great! I was doing yoga, going to the gym, everything was great. But my parents divorce was eating at me. I couldn't handle living in the asme house as my father anymore, we couldn't kick him out since my parents were only 'seperated' and both of their names were on the deed for the house. It was a nightmare. I couldnt stand to look at him, everytime I did I remember everything he's done to me and my family, every childhood memory of his anger, being constantly terrified. The worst part of living with an abuser is the fear. Because you don't know which moment his switch will flip. Will this be the time he hits you? Will he only punch the wall in an attempt to intimidate you? Will he only throw the coffee table? Is he going to slam you against the wall? You could never tell.
I felt so empowered when my mother finally took a stand, I couldnt finally say 'I fucking knew this whole time this wasn't right, you were wrong. My whole life you told me I was crazy, I was always the problem. Not anymore." I hated having to see him strut around the house like he still owned everything and everyone inside. He knew he couldn't hit me again since the divorce was being processed, he would loose every precious dollar his workaholic self ever earned to the woman taking away his social status of "Dad of the Year!"
Now though, my mom and sister have moved out into our own place, still in the same neighbourhood that our old house was in which I love. My pathetic father has had to move into the house that his parents 'rent out' because hes to incapable to manage doing anything on his own. My mother did absolutely everything in our house, the guy probably couldn't even tell you where is wallet is. Things will be different when I go back, and even if I get stressed or anxious I know it is only for 8 weeks. I just have to tell myself 'it's only 8 weeks' and I know I will be okay.
It will be so great to see all my old friends again, after 7 months. I want to be as skinny as possible by then. In 51 days. The LAST thing I want is to come back from Italy a whale and listen to all the jokes about 'too much pasta' and 'looks like you enjoyed the pizza over there'. I want to hear 'how the hell did you stay so thin with all that great food!' and I'll smile to myself and reply, 'guess I just have a fast metabolism' or "I did a lot of walking!'
Andrew is still on my mind. I've been debating back and forth about what to do. He unblocked me from skype but nothings been said and I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know I will run into him in the summer we have a lot of the same friends, and I want to be shokingly thin. I want to see worry run across his face instead of shame, I want to see fear instead of loathing. If he is worried about me there is no room for hate, right? If he is nervous about how skinny I am, he must still care, right? Yes. Ana will take care of me. Aslong as I follow her orders I know she will bring him back.
Also since I am leaving in such a short peroid of time, my best friend here, Angela, has decided that she wants to try the best 6 pizzeria in Rome before we leave... ugh as if. She wants to make it a weekly routine where every thursday we try a different restaurant. How the HELL am I supposed to get out of that?! I can't keep making excuses about eating before or after every week, since we PLANNED the damn dinner. Maybe I'll tell her that I think I'm Lactose.... perfect!
More encounters for mandatory eating this week: My friend's parents who are visiting are constantly wanting to go out for a drink or dinner with me. I keep giving excuses and I don't think they suspect anything. (why should they when I look like such a whaaale) I've been managing to get away with vegetable soup and coffee, I find if I just TALK about the food a lot they are less suspecting.
I'm going to fool them all in the end, I need to get my game back.
Here we go baby, on the path!
So far today I've had 4 stalks of celery for breakfast (which I count as 0)
Lunch I cut up half an onion, a zucchini, and espargus that I boiled then cooked in a pan with soya sauce and garlic. Elisa (mom I work with) came home before I was done so we split it and there is still leftovers in the fridge so I didn't eat too much, maybe 3/4 of a cup total? Then if I can't make up an excuse for dinner I can just have some of that!
Stay Strong & Think Thin!!
Remember Ana is always watching,
xo Ana's Angel
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