Hello there beautiful people! Thought I'd start off this post with some thinspo, and a very welcome "Hello! :) " to my first follower, Welcome! It's nice to know that there are people out there listening, and in turn I'd like to offer support by means of any kind to all other Anas out there! We hear about the 'Support' from our loved ones who want to take our control, call us diseased, but if we support eachother and include Ana, the stronger we will be! Feel free to contact to me and comment!!
Well, yesterday I tried to increase my calorie intake to help kick start my metabolism. I had only been eating veggies (and just started introducing fruit into my diet) and hadn't had a bowel movement in days. I just felt like I could feel everything I was eating sitting like cement inside me. ugh. I ended up somewhat binging, I ate dinner with the family since I hadn't in about a week and a half and didn't want to rise suspicion, though it probably had more to do with my own greed. I had a large portion of fresh tuna with this sauce made of olives and tomatoes and onions I think? Then I finished the suace off with a good chunk of bread. Luckily I managed to get most of it up I think. It's really hard to purge where I live because it's an apartment with very thin walls and meal times are spent all together so everyone is out and about and I get very nervous, but I would be more anxious if I knew that all that food was sitting inside of me, adding layers upon layers of blubber onto these bones that are screaming to be seen... these bones of mine just want to be noticed.
Today I'm allowing myself veggies and fruit only, though this morning I had some blueberry yogurt. I think the reason I was craving cheese the other day was because of my lack of calcium intake, even with my multivitamin. I read a statistic somewhere that if you are healthy, your body will communicate to your brain what it needs. So I try and let myself have (within Anas reason, of course) what my body needs. I want to fool my own body into thinkin it is okay, while my eyes watch it shrink away in the mirror. Today I've had yogurt, and a bowl of strawberries. I'll substiute lunch with a coke zero and have some split pea soup around 5 and nothing else. Then tomorrow I'd like to try the ABC diet, I think I can do, anyone else want to try with me?? I like the idea of calorie shifting, that way if there is something that I want on a day where I am only allotted a small number of calories I can tell myself that if I wait for a few days (for a higher caloric day) I might let myself have some.
Ive realised that whatever this twist in my brain is, that makes me think these things, it revolves around denying my physical self the things I want. Even if I want something healthy, I will tell myself "No". I will set rules and make myself wait certain amounts of times before allowing myself to eat it, to prove that I have the strength to have it sit infront of me for hours without being touched. I schedule my eating every morning and if I break that schedule, I freak out. I felt very guilty for eating those strawberries this morning, but it was just fruit. I went on an hour long walk with the stroller just to get out of the house so as not to binge.
43 more days until I'm home... I'll be the last one of my friends to arrive who are returning from college/university and seeing all the pictures of them together just further motivates me to starve. I have so many people to prove wrong, that I am more than 'the fat girl', the one that is 'crazy'.
As sad as it is, society judges us, who we are, based on our physical appearances, so in theory, if we change what we look like on the outside, it is a testimony to the change on the inside. I want to be so thin when I get back that I show everyone how different I am. As an expression to all of the experiences I've had during this time... is that crazy to think?
What motivates all of you out there? A boy? Your family? What gives you that drive when you are near caving, what are those magic words that Ana whispers in your hear that cause you to leave the kitchen?
By the way, I'd like to officially introduce myself to everyone out there, you can call me Angelica :)
Stay Strong & Think Thin
Love Always,
Ana's Angel xo
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