Doctor, Doctor, Gimmie The News

Disorder Rating

Paranoid: Very High

Schizoid: Moderate

Antisocial: High

Schizotypal: High

Borderline: Very High

Narcissistic: High

Histrionic: Very High

Avoidant: Very High

Dependant: Very High


Obsessive Compulsive: High

If you want to take the test yourself, (reader be warned) click here!

Well that was interesting... *ahem*

When reading the questions I never thought anything wrong of them... and when answering others I noticed certain behavoirs of myself that I would have given second thought to. Here's one: self harm.

There are lots of us out there that self harm. Cutting, burning etc. In highschool I was a cutter. I'm not afraid to say it. I would take safety pins and drag it across my skin thousands of times, each line getting a little bit deeper, a little more painful over the scratches. my entire left forearm was a bloody mess.

I never actually wanted to kill myself, but I did want to know what dying felt like. I often would picture my funeral. The flowers, the church, but I always focused on the people. Who would be there because it would look 'wrong' if they didn't show up, who wouldn't be there because they were too emotionally distraught? Who would be crying? Who would be thinking 'good ridance'? Who would speak? What would they say... Do you guys ever have any thoughts like that? I'd always get to the part in my memory about my ex's... Who still loved me (as if posisble) and never told me? Who never really did?

I never thought this habit actually constituted as 'self harm' but I suppose it does. I pick at my scalp. ew right? I grow my nails long and scratch at the skin until all I see is blood covering my fingers. I wait for them to scab over, and I pick again. Secretly loving the satisfaction of forcing myself through the pain. When asked about it (though I never pick at a place where you can see the scabs) I usually saw I ran into the corner of a cupboard.

On a more pleasant note, I keep bouncing back and forth on how I feel about going home. I can't wait to just sit at my best friends pool with an ocean view getting too drunk and laughing too loud and laying out in the sun until we swear night time will never come. I want to be careless, free flowing, a breath of fresh air and beauty who never lets anything weigh her down, emotionally and physically. Today I feel strong enough to go back home and face things with this new attitude.

I can visualize it all, and I am stick skinny with clothes that hang off of me and with bags and boots that seem far too large, heading to the beach or a big grassy field with the biggest smile on my face while everything moves around in slow motion.

Things will be good.

Random Thought: Tattoo Idea - "Sempre a piedi con un cuore pieno di amore" 

                                              Always be walking with a heart full of love