Everything I never wanted to say

This addiction has taken over my life. It paralyzes every dream, hope or aspiration and creates nothing but chaos in it's wake if you can ever escape the eye of the storm.
I smoke pot every day. I can't seem to cope other wise. I either seem too nervous to handle day-to-day interactions or too bored to care.
I am obsessed with myself. All I think about all day is me, and those that affect me. I obsess over what to wear, how to to my make up, how pathetic I am for the little that I accomplish, how I feel, attempting to be productive and choosing to get high instead. In any form I can, pills, pot, or fasting highs.
Today calls for all of the above.

I worry that my love for J is superficial. I see the life I could have with him, and it's great. We would get married and be happy together in a big house with a few children in private school. (the only way J said he'd have kids is if he could afford to send them to private school, which luckily is very realistic since he makes great money and will make much more in the near future) But it's never the life that I though for myself. I always wanted adventure, and travel with a blur of strangers faces. That was safe to me. Being anonymous, that mystery girl in someone else's amazing story. The captivator; entanchtress, who seduces every audience with exactly what they've been craving and leaves before no one is the wiser. Before anyone gets close enough to see me. I would hide in plain site.

Dark Secret:
I worry that I am walking into the life my mother chose with my Father. I see so much of my Dad in J, and I can easily see the steps it would take to get him to the same place. It's funny because it really would give me the answer to the question; 'Could I, or anyone else, have changed him?' 

He makes me want things I've never wanted before. Things like Recovery. He's started this awful civil war inside my soul. 2 needs that beg to be satiated. The need for her; the love of him. I would die if he ever knew any of this about me. That I'm broken, and in pieces but he makes me feel whole. But just because I feel whole does not mean that I am!

I look at my options; continue on this path of addiction, using drugs daily, being dependant on substances to get me through and continue pretending that I am someone I'm not, until eventually I am caught. It's inevitable. He will fill out. I've already done so much covering it's about to come out. He's done everything but ask me point blank if I have an eating disorder. All I am is a high-functioning addict. He is part of my addiction.

It's frustrating for me, because I keep trying to analyze, rationalize and explain my feelings but because my Cortisol levels are so fucked it makes me extremely emotional. So I feel like so depressed and angry and stir-crazy and agitated and blame it on this or that but then second guess if that's really a reason to feel this way. And I can't trust myself as a fair judge. Like I've lost my Totem or something from Inception. There's nothing to ground me.

Last weekend J told me that sometimes he feels like I lie to him, and he's right. I denied it all of course, he only thought that sometimes I lie about small unimportant details, which doesn't matter so much, or make much sense which I worked in my favour. But I hate having all of these secrets from him.

Sometimes I feel like my feelings are so unvalidated that I need to fabricate a reason for their presence. How pathetic is that? I'll cry at night because I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in that doesn't cause my skin to fold and feel my fat rubbing together, but I can't say that out loud, now can I?  I lay awake at night, imaging my life spinning out of control like pulling at a loose thread, starting with failing my classes, getting kicked out of school, telling J, taking out student loans, further working myself into debt, loosing J, never getting a post-secondary education, proving my father right that I am the problem who can't do anything right, living a life worthy of being a punch line. But I can't say that out loud, now can I? I can't eat because I'm so unsure of my decision to not have my father in my life, that how can I be sure that I am allowed to feed myself? But I can't say that out loud, now can I? 

I swear it's not me. 

"Feeling sick and helpless, loss the compass where self is;
I know what I gotta do, and I can't help it.
One day at a time is what they tell us, now I gotta find a way to tell em.
God help em..."
- Macklemore