On the Verge

I'm on the verge of losing everything and every day I live in fear, wondering if it will be today, it it's already happening... and I'll be right back to where I started a year ago.

Alone.
Afraid.
Fat.
Unloved.
Sad.
Weak.
Pained.
Brittle.
Scarred.
Angry.
Shattered.

I love J more than anything. When I think about how much I love him it nearly makes my mind implode, like when you try and think about the Universe and it's vast greatness. Never did I think this would be possible. So why then do I continue to lie to him and jeopardize the greatest thing that has ever happened to me? He thinks I quit smoking pot in August. It made him feel like he couldn't make me happy, and that I needed a drug. He's right. Love isn't enough; it doesn't solve all my problems.

I am so fearful of what anyone thinks of me, I can't get myself out of my house to go to school. I will lose my scholarship and be forced to take student loans, further postponing my graduation which just makes J's impatient tapping foot even louder. I have no job, and further put myself into debt living off of credit cards my mother questions be about and works 2 jobs but still manages to support and cover my ass. My sister has learned how to make herself throw-up by watching me wither away in the kitchen, barely eating and pretending I'm fine. I constantly cause my family pain by my refusal to have a relationship with my father. It strains my grandparents and sister, and I don't know whether they are more frustrated or annoyed with my stubborn arguments that I just can't trust him. It hurts my mother to see me in pain, J wants me to find peace with it somehow.

I dream and dream and dream of what my life could be like. J and I getting married, having babies and being successful. Having it all. But what kind of mother can show her child how beautiful they are when all she sees is ugly in her reflection? And what kind of wife sneaks away from her sleeping husband to ravage the fridge at 3am only hoping to make it to the grocery store quick enough so he doesn't notice how much is gone. And how am I supposed to be successful when my eating disorder has made me so insecure and self conscious that I hide in my bed for days on end because even I don't want to see what my body looks like.

I smoke pot so I can relax my mind. Turn off these thoughts and pray they disappear just for a while. Just long enough for me to get some sleep and rest just for a little while. But instead my brain fires off again and again making sweeping declarations and realizations with out of body experiences and questions about death. Like maybe I am so scared of failing because I cannot have another after-dinner-conversation with my parents and admit that I fucked up again, with school. I still feel like a child who is fearful of consequences but they only apply to me. The more mistakes I make, the more I hurt myself, and I am responsible for my own pain but I cannot make it stop. How can I tell them that the money is gone and I'm struggling and I really don't know if I can make this. And maybe I need to lie to J because deep down I am fearful that he truly will not understand my struggle and instead throw it back in my face. His hardships have made him stronger; mine have knocked me down. It takes me longer to regain my strength each time and I feel like I'm always racing against a buzzer. That any moment everything will fall apart like a house of cards with just one comment, one question, one look. Keeping everything together and in line and in order is hard, but it's the game I live for. How twisted does that make me?

I would wish for death if only I wasn't burdened with the knowledge of how much pain it would cause the people I love.