Eyesore

Hey ladies, how is everybody doing today? I want to try and make this blog more engaging, get some more dialogue going on, and recently I've been struggling for motivation.. So I'm going to put out a themed question with each post; today's being 'When you are pre/mid/post-binge, how do you bring yourself back to Anareality? I try and look at thinspo and Ana songs but now I can eat through all of that and I worry I am 'desensitizing myself to it all and just being put into a foodcoma. Do you keep lists of your thinspiration reasons? Do you look at triggering pictures or memorbilia at all? How do you deal?"

Today I am faced with a dilemma. First let me explain my morning. Tried to liquid fast. Ate a yoghurt. Liquid fast was shot to hell. We have no food in the house and all I wanted were carbs and cheese so I ended up making atleast 5 servings of rice with tomato sauce and parmesean, or rice with peseto and this soft cheese thing. Purged most of it up. I've been purging atleast 3 times a day for the past 3 days. My eyes are bloodshot and puffy, my back is sore from heaving, and the irony is, as I have my fingers down my throat, my hand feels smaller in my mouth. From the weight loss. I love that feeling, I can see and feel that change in my body. Is that sick?

But everytime I flush away my failure I head straight back to the kitchen. "Just something to soothe my throat, something to replenish my stomach acid" Cue Binge X2. It's awful.

The last few hours I've been good, just plums and a peach, I'm trying to eat alot of plums because I have no laxies here and that's the closest thing I'll get. 

But today is my last Friday in Rome. Next Wednesday I head back home. Tomorrow is my going away party, but tonight one of my girlfriends wants to go out and I am teetering on a binge, I can feel it. I'm too fragile to drink*calories* and then stay strong to not binge once I'm intoxicated. But it's my last Friday here. I feel obligated.

I think I should sacrifice this night to Ana, and gain strength for tomorrow. What do you guys think?

I honestly can't believe my time here is up. I haven't been home in over 6 months. 6 whole months. I can't wait to see all my friends, just writing this makes me tear up.. how pathetic, I miss them that much.

Andrew and I are on sort of weird terms.

Before Greece = Cool

After Greece = Not Cool

Why?

WHOOO KNOWS!

I'm worried he found out about me moving away for school, or it could just be the fact that I'm coming home, and he realized that I am a real person who will be infront of him and that freaks him out. He tends to pull away (emotionally distancing himself) when something starts to become a reality. Everytime I leave him, he latches on. He makes me feel so wanted and needed and we get along great. Then when I start to come home he freaks out, realizes maybe he's said too much, put himself out there too much and becomes insecure, so he pulls back. This could be what he's doing now, it could be a combination of things, it could be nothing. I figure I play it cool and easy, calm the waters before I land home and take it from there. No pressure. 

I have a lot of emotions going on right now, so I'm going to apologize in advance if my posts are quite scatterbrained. The leaving Rome part & going Home is like a teeter-totter in my brain, sometimes one weighs more than the other and I keep switching back and forth about how I feel about it all. Sometimes I guess, you don't need to make a decision, just to feel. 

I'm ready to stop caring and be cared for. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to have an awesome summer being the new me. I can be whoever I want when I come home. Stay tuned for tomorrow's post with the newme checklist.

I'd also like to thank Camille, ElBar7a & Cinnamon Brown for the birthday wishes! It means a lot!! 

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo