embarassment

Hello ladies, I don't even feel qualified to write to you today. I binged out for 3 days in a row, I can't even handle the damage that is done. And I leave for Greece in 4 days.. I'm hoping to fast, but realistically I don't think that will happen. To go from eating obscene amounts of food to just water is not so practical.
I was literally eating when I wasn't hungry, forcing myself to eat out of self hatred. Purposely refusing to drink water so I couldn't purge. Because I deserve to be fat. I was making everything I had been craving, even when I did want it in that moment. Anything I could get my hands on. I was making excuses for why there wasn't any food left in the fridge. I have popped blood vessels behind my eyes for puking so much. I feel horrible about myself...

Today is a new day, I'm trying to forget about my failures and move past it. To know that my goals are still attainable. Nothing is stopping me from starting to starve again. And God how I am craving that control, how I am dying for my hunger fix. For me, feeling hungry is like a drug. I'm addicted to it. The light headedness, the dizzyness, the racing brain, floating in and out of situations; I love it. That's all I want right now.

Andrew and I have basically gone back to normal, almost. There are still certain topics we don't talk about, like what we've been doing for the last 6 months, because we aren't exactlty acknowledging the fact that there was something wrong at one point. He did ask me when I was coming home and I jokingly replied 'whenever you want!' and he had said 'oh so tomorrow then :D!' which made me feel as happy as a little highschooler with a quarterback crush. We skyped all last night and it was just so good to see his face. It put every other little problem to ease, it calmed ever nerve, every anxiety. I was so nervous about coming home and now I've just stopped caring. The people that don't want me there can suck my balls because I couldn't give less of a flying fuck right now. I know how many people I have in my life that love me, and are dying for me to come home and those are really the only people I have to spend time with. Anyone else is simply an option that I have the ability to say 'no' to; the same way I can say 'no' to food.

I'm gonna come home and wow them all. I don't even care about hiding how little I eat here. I'm not going to see any of these people again, and the family I live with does not give a crap. It's almost too easy. I'm not saying 'no' to anyone but myself anymore. There is no 'no thanks, I'm not hungry'. It's just not eating. Is it weird that this is somewhat disappointing?

I think I'm going to start ending each post with a quote; be it Ana inspiring or not it will be just a little personal touch.

"When you have so much to look forward to, it's easier not to look back"

Think Thin & Stay Skinny

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo