I'm back on here, I've been so sporradic lately.
Trying to be good, Dying to be bad, Needing to be thin.
Things have fallen apart.
I have no idea what my life looks like.
I'm stuck in the same spot I always find myself in. So scared too make the wrong decision I'm paralyzed.
I've been given the option to stay in Vancouver. With my family. With my friends. In my city. Where I haven't been for almost a year. God, it's so tempting. I think I might do it.
There's so much to consider, rules with my scholarship, the dynamics of the divorce, Curtis, Andrew everyone giving me a different opinion on what they think is best, those that matter moth with holding their needs. Makes for a confusing headspace for me.
Everything feels foreign to me.
I've stayed away from coke, but God how tempting does it sound?
I was so happy for a bit here. So happy to be home, to see everyone. I don't want to be the same girl I was when I left. But God how thin was she?!
Andrew and I finally had a small blowout. The one you've been waiting for for months. Where the emotions have been boiling and bubbling but you keep letting time build over top until it erupts. I was honest with him. And he finally got MAD at me. Anger is better than the calm stone surface he's been giving me lately. I just need any kind of emotionally reaction to know he fucking gives a damn!
Curtis has shut down, he's had such an adjustment coming back home from the war. I dream of him, being together, what it will feel like when I first see him. I wake up devestated.
I've never felt so lonely. I've been taking Tylenol 3's because I fell off a cliff on a weekend trip off a rope swing and nearly broke my foot. They seem to just be feeding my depression.
I'm eating normally, but the worse things get the less and less I eat. The tylenols cut my appetite but make me feel sick. At least not eating is not eating.
No idea where to go from here. I'm so confused. Such a mess. Wanting drugs, so bad. Just anything to not feel like myself. I hate myself right now. I've put myself here. I put myself in this position.
I've never wanted to be the girl wanting things she can't have, or even worse, doesn't deserve. Never.
Here I am though.
God, I've missed you so much! I'm so glad you're still here.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry things are going so shit. I, too, have been plagued by terrible bouts of depression and loneliness. Binge, binge, binge! No more, dammit! I'm sorry about the blowout with Andrew, but at least it's over now, right?
I hope this coming week is better and that you can start to focus on the things you want. You really do deserve them! Just know that I'm thinking about you and I love you so, Sweet Pea! <3. XXX.
your back! aw sweetie im sorry sorry things are sucking right now, they'll get better tho they always do. Sometimes have big blowouts helps, lets out the steam u know. much love and be strong. xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Angel,
ReplyDeleteI'm leaving Blogger, so I just wanted to stop by and say thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it. All the best for your future endeavours and all my love. <3. XXX.