The last oh, 2 weeks really have been filled with mindless eating, an all consuming outside driven force that demands I ask myself, 'what do I want' and then promptly run into the kitchen to fulfill some new 'need' I've invented in my head...
The consequence?
BACK IN THE 130's!!!
I cried while I was on the scale this morning, the shitty semi-broken scale that used to bring me such joy...
The first time I stepped on it said 135 and I fucking lost it. I was so angry at myself, I had worked SO hard to dip into the 120's, I was seeing low 120's even. Then after a HUGE dump, and I seriously mean giant, and then a second almost as big dump and working on the elliptical for 22 mins the scale told me 132. Which sucks, but is manageable.
What happened?
I got complacent. I thought I was good. I thought I could handle myself. It's the same cycle all of us go through, we reach a goal or are triggered in some way and it's like the positivity is a magnet for binging.
I thought I was smarter... Not smart enough to know that this wouldn't work, but smart enough to have control...
Now I'm much smarter. Let's be sneaky, feel that adrenaline from secrecy? It's the greatest compliment to the high I get from fasting. Feel that tingling through your whole body? You're shivering because you haven't consumed a single calorie all day. It's going to stay that way and I'm excited.
The good news is since I've been eating what appears normal I'm hoping I can take some pressure off myself about mom/ sister watching. Now that I'm aware of my sister's... eating issues (?) I wonder if she will pick up more on my weird habits... she's still quite young, and even younger mentally and is very 'allaboutmemememe' so maybe she won't.
Found out the other day that when my sister told me she started taking diet pills, and when I didn't immediately promise not to tell our mother, she created some 'list' of wrong-doings I've done that my mom didn't know about to present to her. Childish, I know. Nothing substantial on it either, nor did my mom care because I am 20 years old and there isn't anything she can force me or tell me to do anymore. My sister doesn't understand this, she's just starting to realize what 'personal responsibility' is, and that you can't run to mommy for all your problems. You have to start being an adult, and if you have a problem you deal with it, you don't petition a referee for a red card, same way she got mad at my mother for not 'stopping' me when I outspoke about Claire* (daddy's girlfriend) in the privacy of my own home, when my mom knows that my sister likes Claire... It's not her job to filter what I say, nor does she have the power to do so. *sigh* She's just so young...
I don't think my mom and sister are talking still yet... I'm trying to stay out of it but it's not easy. I'm not very good at biting my tongue when I have the answer, or at least think I do. Especially as a communications major, I can identify different techniques with the people in my life in forms of communicating, and taper conversations so that everything is understood by everyone. I also know that I am hyper-aware (I made up that term, don't know if it's real!) and sensitive when it comes to social cues and human behaviour. Hence why I am OBSESSED with my Sociology text book :) So when I see my family fight, it hurts not just on a personal level but I can see each persons argument clearly, and understand what they are trying to say. It's so hard not to jump in but I can't. My dad has explicitly layed out that my sister will NOT be living with him, which is music to my ears. One more thing off my place (LOL)
So where to go from here?
It's the beginning of a new month, Day 1; March 1st and I've got a challenge in store for myself...
I'm going to fast, because that seems to be the best way for me to stay on track and avoid binging.
So here we go!
I'm allowed unlimited diet soda, water, tea, coffee, crystal light (and the likes) and vegetable broth (note: it's 10cals per 2/3 a cup, and I've noticed all my cravings are for savoury foods, so I added the broth to help curb that)
I need to spend at least 10 minutes a day on the elliptical, aiming for a burn of 200cals but this is so hard when you're fasting so it's a 10 min minimum. I can have one day off from excercise a week, but it is to be used as a last resort means.
Once I've broken my fast, I'll be liquid fasting for the rest of the month, or however longer I decide.
I can have my protein smoothie (250cals with a banana, 150cals without) every other day.
There are lots more rules but honestly I still have a sneaking suspicion that my sister is reading this so I'm not going to write them all here... My paranoia is at an all time high, I'm noticing little shifts my moms been making, whether their in my head or not I don't want to task risks. She notices the food I'm binging on, buys more of it and items which are similar, constantly asks me 'what are you making' while I am cooking, and has started buying higher caloric items of my 'safe' foods.
Example: I asked my mom for plain quaker rice cakes. She came home with plain rice cakes, caramel flavoured rice cakes, and a bag of potato chips.
I asked her for cottage cheese, a new safe food for me. I asked for the non-fat variety and now she has started buying 1% and 2% and when I asked her specifically for fat free I'm told, 'Oh it's 1% (2%) does it really matter??' YES IT DOES. Normally this behaviour would have me in a eating stand off.
"Fine, don't buy the foods I ask for, see if I'll eat ANYTHING then" But I've been weak and this attitude falls on a slipper slope. Stop measuring food, who cares if its a little more, just a little.
Also, I'm curious about how long I can go without food... Sometimes when I shift from thinking from personal to scientific it makes starving more real in some way. If I'm doing this from a place of curiosity, to see how long I can go without food, to push myself, to really find out what my limits are, then it stops becoming about me, and my quest seems more validated. Does that make sense? It's sad - it's as if I really value my worth so little that I cannot seem to do things for myself, because myself is not important.
Apparently this is a form of Narcissism? I was reading an article for my Sociology class, you can check it out for yourself here! Here's a small excerpt:
'chaotic and impulse-ridden character. The new patients 'lack the capacity to mourn, because the intensity of their rage against lost love objects... [They are] sexually promiscuous... [but] they nevertheless find it difficult to "elaborate the sexual impulse" or to approach sex in the spirit of play. They avoid close involvements, which might release intense feelings of rage. Their personalities consist largely of defenses against this rage... Often these patients suffer from hypochondria and complain of a sense of inner emptiness. At the same time they entertain fantasies of omnipotence and a strong belief in their right to exploit others and be gratified... [The patient has to attach himself] to someone, living an almost parasitic existence. At the same time, his fear of emotional dependence, together with his manipulative, exploitive approach to personal relations, makes these relations bland, superficial, and deeply unsatisfying... As a psychiatric patient, the narcissist is a prime candidate for interminable analysis... The strength of his defenses, however, makes him resistant to successful analysis... To be able to enjoy life in a process of involving a growing identification with other people's happiness and achievements is tragically beyond the capacity of narcissistic personalities.'
I exhibit all of this behavoir... down to a mother fucking tee...
Inner sense of emptiness? youuuu betcha!
Fear of emotional dependence? Check! BIG FAT CHECK! This is literally one of my worst fears...
Lacking personal relationships, unsatisfying and superficial friendships? YEA
Intensity of rage against lost love objects? yessssss, all of you followers out there have definitely read a rant or 20 of mine...
I over analyze every little detail, just assuming that people are taking me into consideration for the smallest of gestures. '
'Oh, he obviously played that word in Words with Friends because he's trying to tell me something'
' He used that metaphor because he's trying to tell me to calm down'
' He told that joke because he wants to remind me of that time...'
AS IF I am that important to other people. I'm so damn careful about all of my actions that sometimes I assume and get carried away with the thought that everyone else does it too... Nope I'm just bonkers! a narcissist, apparently!
I always considered narcissism synonymous with selfishness, and I wouldn't consider myself a selfish person so it's a bit confusing really. I guess I've just become so concerned with my own needs and wants, I forget that other people need me. I just can't seem to understand or even imagine what ANYONE could POSSIBLY need from me! So I'll lie in bed all day, do what I want, eat what I want, refuse to eat what I want, just because I assume that I'm discardable. I always thought narcissism was about thinking so highly of yourself, being pompous and prissy and I don't consider myself to be those things. Again with a mind fuck- am I even who I think I am? Maybe I have EVERYTHING wrong.
Hoping that a clean body will allow me a clear mind!
Fasting for answers...
love you all ways, always
xoxo
This was deep. I hope you can keep up the fast and stay strong hun!!
ReplyDeleteAll my support <3
my dear, you are definitely NOT selfish. its just the ED. And its ok. They say weight gained quickly is also quickly lost. I'm sure u'll be back to where u were & lower in no time! Especially w/ fasting & working out everyday! Just rly dnt tire urself out! The longest I've gone fasting is 4 days. I felt invicible & like I could have gone longer but by the 4th day I couldn't stand straight, lift my arms or even see clearly, couldnt get out of bed at all. Idk if it was because I was working out (3hrs a day) while fasting. but yea, just b careful & dnt workout too much because fasting in itself burns enough fat already. stay strong<3
ReplyDeleteEveryone's a little selfish, it's part of being human, otherwise we wouldn't survive. There's nothing wrong with wanting to help yourself before you help others, since how can you help them if you are struggling yourself? There's a difference though between Narcissism and Malignant Narcissism. The former exists in everyone at some point in their lives, while the latter purposefully hurts others (lack of empathy) to bolster their own egos.
ReplyDeleteTry not to worry to much since you can't really diagnose yourself. Narcissism exists on a spectrum that can be comorbid with various other personalities, most often Histrionic and Borderline. These are all just labels for types of personalities and so not everyone fits neatly in one box at a given time.
Good luck and be careful with your plan despite how panicked you might feel about your weight right now. <3
Honesty is the best first step. Take care.
ReplyDeleteLove
/S / http:// mydarlingsolitude.blogspot.com
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I think everyone is selfish in one way or another. It's just a matter of honesty if we show it or not.
ReplyDelete/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
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There is a degree of selfishness that comes with this disorder and there is also a need for some slight selfishness when it comes to everyday life. I don't think that you can come out and kind of self diagnose as being narcissistic. However, if you keep it in mind then perhaps you can be more aware of how you can be narcissistic and then take some steps to deviate from that. Being honest with yourself is one of the best things to be, no matter how hard it is.
ReplyDeletexx