good days are possible

I had an amazing day today. Nothing particularly extraordinary occurred, but everything went well, manageable. I woke up early for school and as I was showering I was still trying to convince myself to go to class. It's always such a struggle, when I can just stay in bed all day and starve or binge and not have to deal with any type of social interaction. I can float away into a world where I control everything, I control my own fate, my own destiny. 

Then I realized that I already do. Though I can't control everything, there are things I can do, and I can make myself do things I don't particularly want to do, and even so - sometimes circumstances will surprise you.

I got myself to class (which was a feat on it's own, especially after a week break of classes - staying in bed for the umpteenth time all day is not hard) and I got put into a group with a very cute boy I have been eyeing all semester. He introduced himself and we chatted as we walked out of class. I know it's not much, but even just the idea of being happy with someone else, scratch that, general male attention is very very nice. Especially after a night full of binging...

I got work done during the break, chatted with Andrew a bit and then came home and had a really constructive conversation with my mom. During the fight between my mom, sister and I, mom and I were never on bad terms. It was more each of us against my sister, if you were to put it into sides like that.

I opened up a bit more about my personal feelings towards my dad, and how I see things. Probably more than I should have told her. I feel guilty when I can see how guilty she feels for everything 'she's put us through'. But it still felt great to get it off my chest, and she understands. 

I think hope things will improve over here. I tried my best to explain 'teenage deciphering' for my mom, because no one ever did that for me, and that's all I wanted from my parents. I would do something or say something that really meant something else entirely and would just run in circles of frustration when no one would understand me. Storyofmylife.

Her and my sister are going to talk tomorrow, then somewhere daddy will jump in and hopefully they can sort this all out.

Has anyone noticed that ALL OF THIS started because I finally spoke out about MY problem with my dad's new girlfriend, and his actions and lack of consideration for my feelings. This has now COMPLETELY turned into an issue about my sister. I hate to sound needy and whiney but I'm actually kind of upset about it. I know I won't say anything, because I can also see the importance in what we're doing for my sister. Though the timing is hilarious, and my issues and personal feelings will probably be over looked, at least there is some good coming out of it. crossyourfingers.

Also, I definitely heard my sister purging last night. I'd recognize those sounds and coughs anywhere, the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, waiting until there is no one in the kitchen so you cane make and eat whatever fattening caloric concoction you can get your hands on. I have no idea what to do with this. Obviously bringing this to light, shines brightly on me and my eating issues so my gut reaction is to avoid it... I'm hoping that the purging is symptomatic and when we solve the problem (through counselling, yes I've convinced my mom to *push* my sister to talk to someone) it will resolve. The Bulimic in me is rolling her eyes, but I really have no idea what to do. She is far too smart and manipulative for me to be real with her and admit my ED and bond her with and then try and convince her into recovery? She is still 250lb+ and how monumental hypocritical is that of me? I'm pretty sure its bPD and BDD because she's been over weight since she was a kid but couldn't recognize how over weight my grandparents were, she saw that as 'normal' so to her (up until now) she has been 'normal weight'.

Today I will let myself have 

a bowl of special k with 1/2 cup almond milk 

140 cals

celery sticks with 1/2 cup of cottage cheese

100 cals

a cup of broccoli soup for dinner 

90 cals 

plus some fruit to snack on, I think I saw blueberries (80cals per cup) in the fridge, if i freeze them they take longer to eat and I get to savour each one so that's been my new trick. 

Total: 440 cals 

Today just feels so triggering all I want to do is binge

Stay Strong Lovelies,

xoxo