Day 5 updates

Day 5, of what I will no longer be calling a 'fast', for the pure reason of keeping terminology sacred in some sense. Fasting indicates nothing but water, and this is not what I'm doing. My ed has warped it's own rules for reasons that will only (barely) make sense in my warped brain. I'm consuming water, diet soda, vegetable broth, almond milk, crystal light, coffee and tea, as well as mints, gum and candy. The last one is absolutely retarded- why I feel it's safe to eat pure sugar? - because it's just that. I know I can burn it off, I know it will give me energy. And if you can move past the sexual innuendo I'm about to present you with: I like being able to have something sit in my mouth, and suck on.

I can fool my brain into thinking it's being fed under these conditions. The gum imitates chewing, the candy provides flavour and the idea that something solid is being consumed, while the mass amounts of liquids makes my stomach think it's full.

Foolproof right? I feel on top of the world right now, the clarity and increase in focus has hit me full throttle. Though clearly my 'scientific' approach won't follow through, I'm loosing and nothing else matters. I'm still making sure to take my multi-vitamin every day, as well I just picked up a bottle of calcium and potassium supplements to ensure that my electrolyte levels stay relatively normal and off put hypokalemia, and osteoporosis. Osteoporosis is really something I need to watch out for due to a hyperthyroid condition I was diagnosed with as a teen. That was one of the ways I used to keep my weight in check in high school, because I had hyperthyroidism, my body was in constant over drive. My metabolism sky rocketed, making me hungry all the time, and I could literally eat anything, not purge, and loose weight. I remember at one point I dropped from a US size 6 to a 4 without even trying in a week. I would purposefully skip my medication because they made me feel...slow. Mentally, physically, and it would stop me from loosing weight. I realized quickly that if I combined dieting with skipping my pills I could loose faster, and if I stopped eating all together I could loose more. My heart rate was increased so high that my resting rate was well over 200, so my body was in excercise mode all day long, even if I was just sitting on the couch. Sometimes my heart would beat so fast that it made me sick, like when you over excercise and vomit. Eventually I was vomiting so much (involuntarily- I might add, though at this point I was restricting to the point of less than 200cals a day) my doctor whispered the B word to my mom... I fought tooth and nail that I was fine, even when she found the hoodia hidden in the back of my closet. She dropped it. So this puts my family in the category of 'not never having suspicions of an ed, but not really subscribing to the idea that me, their daughter, their sister, their friend, me, is sick'

Which is why I need to be super careful now.
Which is why I think they all know, and are too cowardly to say anything.
But I'm so glad they aren't. I can't handle not having this, this is all I have now. Without it, my world is chaos and I will not be able to do anything. If I fail this - I will fail everything - I know that as truth.

I was dying to weigh in yesterday, and I had the perfect opportunity. The scale is hidden in my sisters bathroom, though she claims it is broken. (translate: she's too over weight for it to measure her accurately, and I can feel the dip in the middle that gave way to her, it creaks a little when you step on it now) My sister was out and my mom was in bed, so I tiptoed down the stairs to see my mini numbers and the joy they give me- my fix. But guess what? Mommy dearest cleaned out my sisters disgusting bathroom (yes- my mom still needs to clean my 17 year old sisters bathroom and bedroom for her) and the so called 'broken' scale isn't anywhere I can find it. I pretended it didn't bother me but it feels like an itch I can't scratch. I gotta know, need to know, where I stand.
I went to 2 drug stores today on my break but neither carried scales, which means tomorrow my new mission is to find one, somewhere.

I'm feeling more like myself, the hollowness of my new 'plan' has surpassed, leaving me energized and somewhat positive. I can actually see the weight loss on my body, and the constant reminder that if I keep this up, I will only continue to shrink and get smaller, fills me with hope. My size small tanks no longer hug my body, my waist drowns in them and I love how strong it makes me feel. I took the day off from excercise yesterday since I felt so down and out, but I had written that into my rules so I'm safe. I pushed myself to get on the elliptical today, even though my motivation was hard to find, I knew that afterwards I would feel better. It's given me the strength to really try and paint the picture of a happy girl for my family. The deeper into this ed I get, the more I value secrecy with the idea that everything is fine.

It's a strange internal struggle, where my ed is powered by this incredible urge to shout out that I'm not okay, look at me, my body will be physical proof. But I need them to believe I am okay, I want to be smarter than all of them. Saturday night was almost too close for comfort...

Christina* knows me so well, we've been best friends since the day I asked her to make love potions during recess on the first day of grade 2. Saturday was also particularly hard for me, I was alone all day, not wanting to be around people but feeling like I very well could be the last person on the planet. I went to our friend Jane's * house with a few other friends and my anxiety was working it's way into my throat. They had just had dinner together, which I conveyed I was 'too busy' for, but I was worried that they would force me to snack on left overs before drinking. Here's the thing about my group of friends: they love to gossip. Loose weight a little fast, or a few pounds more than the group consensus deems is 'appropriate': automatically, 'she's not eating enough, we need to watch her eat so we can breathe better. If she eats in front of us obviously she's fine' Luckily they didn't even try, and when I told them I gave up alcohol for Lent, another girl piped up that she's doing the same thing so it was accepted and everything was fine. The two parties kind of fell through for stupid reasons, but nonetheless it was great seeing everyone. They were all so nice and kind, and I actually enjoyed the opportunity to show how different I am from high school. A few people even surprised me with how much I enjoyed their company! We called it a night early, putting me in bed just before 1 which was heavily comforting. Overall, I deemed the night a success. I socialized, fulfilled expectations that were held over me, had fun, surprised myself, didn't consume any calories and was home and safe at a decent time. However at the end of the night when a friend was driving me home and the rest of the group moved to another location to continue the night, Christina hugged me and said, "Call me, anytime. I love you, and I'm worried about you. Seriously, anytime" And the puppy dog eyes she gave me nearly broke my heart. She knows I'm not okay. She knows. But she can't prove anything. When she came over on Thursday she brought goldfish crackers (which used to be my absolute favourite in elementary school, I'd eat them every day during recess) and mint areo bites (mint chocolate is my absolute favourite) but didn't make me eat them in front of her, I said I'd bring them to school the next day. The idea that my mom is going behind my back and putting bugs in my friends ear is growing...

Tomorrow I'm skipping my one class, finding a scale, working out, going for a walk on the seawall (hopefully with a friend) and catch up on my reading. That is what I need to do, all manageable. I know I won't eat.

Love always,

xoxo