Scared

To start off, I ended my fast yesterday. I was in a strange head space all day, just felt... unguided. Normally I have a plan, all my food is pre-chosen and I know what expected, I know what my expectations are. I thoroughly loved every second I felt hungry, but eventually I saw myself reaching a point of exhaustion and having this one secret exposed. Translate: I got scared.

I was scared of not eating, but I was scared of food. I spent hours online looking up food recipes best for 'coming off a fast' but in the end I did what I wanted anyways.
Started with a Shirataki noodle dish I made, which had maybe 70 cals at most. I separated the serving into 2 and ate slow, trying not to bolt into the bathroom when the weight of what I was putting into my body hit me mentally and not just physically. First few bites felt okay, so I went and had the rest. Then a bowl of broccoli soup, 90cals, and I put grapes in the freezer for later. I made a 'crema' which I will be posting the recipe for in Dina, you can check it out here, 200cals - gone. It all felt okay in my stomach, I didn't feel bloated, I ate slow. But I didn't trust it in my body. Back out it came. Then downstairs for caramel pinkberry my sister had gotten, half a container, 400cals, back out it came. I got all the way down to the noodle dish. Then back for another cup of broccoli soup, then cottage cheese with bell peppers, more grapes. I let those last 3 items sit in my stomach and mentally urged my body to stay in bed instead of running to the toilet.

"The soup will just slide through you, plus it's a vegetable and easily absorbed"
"You need the protein, you hardly even eat real dairy as it is, maybe you've turned lactose-intolerant now and everything will just come right out"
"Grapes are mostly water weight, they will push everything right through you"
"It will be okay, It will be okay, It will be okay, Try not to panic"

So today I'm left even more, unguided, than I felt yesterday. I didn't go on the elliptical yesterday, the thought exhausted me. But my mom asked me to go for a walk with her on this beautiful scenic route we do right along the ocean tide, just over 4kms. I could feel my body rocking side to side with each step, mentally willing my eye lids to stay open, my eyes to focus, my feet to keep moving, to stay balanced, walk in rhythm with the tide, keep up the pace, don't drag your feet.

I just worked off 500cals on the elliptical while watching 'The Biggest Loser".  That's a new record for me for one straight session. Watching tv while working out is one of the best things to keep you going, total distraction and watching this show in particular gave me more strength I thought I had.
"Look how hard they are working themselves, you're better than them, you can do more, prove it."


So that makes up for the 10 mins I was supposed to do yesterday, I stayed on the machine for an hour so I feel accomplished. But food just seems too unsafe right now. I forced myself to have some oatmeal, 110cals, this morning to try and jump start my metabolism and get things going, but it felt wrong somehow.
"It's a carb, carbs are bad bad bad, you know this. Plus first thing in the morning? Great all of it will just be absorbed as fat, because that's what you are and your body knows it! fatfatfat"
The comforting fact that I burned it all off, and then some, is what's keeping me grounded right now.

The other new problem that's arisen is not just what I am eating, but when. Normally I time my meals. This is great for when I'm mid-binge because I'll say 'yes' to a certain food that isn't safe, but by making myself wait an hour, or 45mins helps me slow down and think about what I'm doing. I spread out all my meals throughout the day, not letting myself go up to start cooking until, X o'clock. Trying to listen to my body for when I'm the most hungry, avoiding food all together when I feel a binge coming on. Now my body is all over the map in a way, or maybe that's just my brain. Nothing feels safe, nothing is optimal, nothing is good.
"When should I eat the cottage cheese? It's dairy so you don't want it to curdle, it will be harder on your body so maybe in the middle of the day? But it's so heavy, don't eat it at all. You'll feel too full. Maybe just half a serving? No, you'll know you'll want more and that could lead to a binge, no no, far too dangerous. Let's sit and think about this"
Every decision, every bite, every morsel is carefully thought out.

I also still don't have a scale and it is driving me bonkers not knowing what my body is worth. Because isn't that the point of weighing in? It wouldn't be hard for me to get one at all, I found a few cheap ones at a local chain 1 bus ride away, but I haven't gone. Translation: I'm scared.


"What if someone see's me buying a scale, with all the weight I've lost they're sure to put two and two together"
"Everyone will stare at you, waiting in line at the check-out aisle with your embarrassingly large weight-watchers scale, who does she think she is? She doesn't need that/Thank God she's come to her senses and doing something about her body"


I just don't want to be noticed. Anytime I make a move to go get food in front of my family I just know they are going to make a comment about it.


"That's all you're eating?"
"What are you making?"
"What did you make, that looks good, yumm!"


All it makes me want to do is shove my fist down my esophagus and fling all of my vomit of this 'food that looks so yummy' back onto the floor in front of their feet.. but I don't, because that would be weird.

The more time I spend with my family the more my over-analytical mind computes the smallest details into ed-related issues. My sister makes a sandwich and elaborates for 15 minutes about how great each ingredient looks, and how excited she is to eat her sandwich.
"Fan-fucking-tastic, why don't you shut the fuck up, get the fuck out, eat your damn sandwich in silence and without bothering anyone else. We both know you will just puke it back up in 5 minutes anyway, but you have no idea that I know this, so I'll just stare at you"


I pull out my noodle dish from the fridge, try a few bites standing in the kitchen, sneak a glance at my mom who pretends not to be watching me with a smile on her lips. Each time I look over she glances away, curiosity about what I've decided I can eat, what is it, is it enough food, how can she encourage me to eat more similar foods.
"I can see you watching me, I know this is weird. Don't say anything, pretend I'm not here. Get out. Stop talking about my food, the reason I seem to dis-interested is because I don't want to talk about it!"


My grandpa calls me and leaves me a message wanting to see me, inviting me out for lunch. He tells me that they are making greek salad, just tomatoes, cucumbers, feta, and onions, really healthy it'd be great if you came, we all want to see you.
Translate: Your dad told everyone you have eating issues so if your worried I'm going to make you eat shit when your with me your wrong, look it's healthy food, you can do this! Now you have no excuse not to spend time with me, you selfish brat. I just want to get you here so I can tell you that if you want to get away with eating nothing at dinner with us, fine, but keep your fucking mouth shut then. You don't get to have opinions, you're a girl. You have to listen to what your father tells you, he's the head of the family, he makes the decisions, you have to respect them. Be nice to Claire, and for God's sake, eat something.
"Oh, you'd love that wouldn't you? So I can be fat like the rest of you right? You keep thinking that this is the right path to walk down to manipulate me into getting what you want, go ahead. I'm going to continue shoving my food into my napkin at the table while making sly remarks about the border line of pedophilia my father is walking :)"


I want to be able to work and live within the scope of my ed. I want to use the traits it gives me in my life for positivity. This is the only real aspect of my life in which I produce such self-discipline, whereas most, if not all aspects, I can't seem to care about. I want to take the structure I give myself every day and channel it into the parts of my life that are in chaos. I want my ed to teach me how to live better, I want to be the best I can be, with it. I feel like a completely different person when my mind races around numbers and portions and excercise, someone I can enjoy, someone to be proud of, maybe, just maybe. I won't deserve the great things I want, unless I earn them. This is the cost of everything I want, and if I'm willing to work and pay for them then nothing is in my way.

So here I am trying to understand all of this, my brain computing caloric algorithms into real-life behavioural solutions. Trying to take the actions from one world into having merit in the other. Making my decisions from one reality into consequences in the other. Desperately trying to grasp control in both, taking the 80 card deck I've been dealt into a winning poker hand, or a solid house pyramid, or into perfect pairs. Instead they're all on the floor and I'm too afraid to pick them up, unsure of which each card is, what it means, until I turn it over and then it's too late.

"It will all be okay, because tomorrow I will be smaller..."

Love always,

xoxo