I was so focused, all I could think about was the two of them together on Valentines day... It made me feel so sick that I needed to do something productive and exhausting. Excercise is such a great outlet.
My sister has started taking diet pills, she told me when she came home from school the other day. It's become an issue because I'm worried about her. She's 17, but my god the girl is seriously no older than 11 in that head. She can't do anything on her own, without help, or doubting her decisions. She constantly needs hand holding and encouragement and I hate to say it but I just don't have the patience to be her counsellor as well. I can't, and it wouldn't be doing her justice. Basically the result of these events led to a huge fight, where she called me a hypocrite and that if I was in her shoes I would have killed myself already. She might not be wrong, but by no means does the fact that she's let herself get to the point of obesity make her 'stronger' than me. That sense of entitlement she has, that 'I'm fat but I live every day and get through my daily tasks and responsibility by coasting makes me stronger and better than everyone, because I am FAT'.
HOW DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS?!?! I understand, life is HARD when you're big, and believe me I can sympathize, rationally I know I am not fat but I KNOW the feeling and hatred that comes with the teasing and mockery and judgement. Just because mine is in my head and I have the (constant) paranoia that it is what people are thinking, does not make it any less real or scary.
She ate herself into this problem. Why is it that society has no problem with telling someone they are 'too skinny' or 'underweight' and address it is a serious problem, but we let over weight people walk around like they own the place, making special allowances and treading ever so carefully around them?! My sister has no underlying health condition, nothing drove her into this state but her own free will, this is why I have little sympathy.
For selfish reasons obviously this whole conversation about weight loss and body image floating through my house has me in a bit of a state of panic. In the back of my mind I can hear this voice that keeps telling me this all is a trick, that they are just going through this to eventually get to me, and my secret. They know I'm smart, they've got to be sneaky, so I won't figure it out. My mom's best friend has Anoretic tendencies and I have this (crazy?) theory that my Mom has this wealth of knowledge on how to handle them and is trying to jedi-mind trick me into submission.
My best friend Christina* is in town for the next few days and it has brought me such joy to see her! I've been so isolated, not even leaving my house for days, that being sent back into this social reality is a bit of a jolt. I've been trying to at least do some things every day to be proud of, something productive - going on the elliptical, cleaning the house, cleaning my room, studying, making big batches of low cal soup to last me, etc. With her here, and my other close friends who are back as well, I'm remembering how 'eating' is normal. I'm freaking out. 1) Because this is causing food to just appear, EVERYWHERE. All they want to do is go out and eat, or stop here and pick something up, or bring something home etc and 2) Because now I can see how far my disordered life has taken me. I really felt like this was all something I had kinda invented, and wasn't really real. I could snap out of it. I can't. My self worth is tied so ornately to this disordered mind and it's cause and effect that I'm afraid to even investigate what could happen should I de-tangle them.
Christina and I are supposed to go out for sushi and shopping, but I told her I had a meeting at school to cover some of the allotted 'lunch time' and then I'm going to tell her that they had pizza and snacks or something and I've already eaten. This is weird to say but this go around I never really had to lie that much to get out of eating. No one was ever really home, I have no one watching me or that I have to answer to, so lying is coming unnaturally to me, which is odd.
This sunday is a big concert where K, Chris, R, Christina and a few of my other friends will all be meeting for the first time, kind of my 'two worlds colliding'. It'll be interesting. Both groups have such different views of who I am as a person, I only let them see certain things, the things I know they'll like and find interesting. They are friends with such completely different people, and have no idea. R and Chris both are into me, and have told me so. They are also roommates and work for the same company so jamming me in the middle of that is oh so comfy. We'll see how things play out this weekend! I'm hoping for 125 by sunday...
My new tactics include 'earning' my food. Your metabolism gets boosted with excercise so I'm trying to even do a small session on the elliptical before eating to help my body along. I've been on mushy foods and liquid fasting for so long my bowels have kinda just given up and are letting everything slide through...
I hope all of you are doing well, I want to say hello to all my new followers out there :)
Give em hell, loves
xoxo
I'm fat. Not that I-have-an-eating-disorder-which-makes-me-think-I'm-fat thing, but I'm actually fat. Obese. Overweight. Chunky, Big boned. Whatever you call it.
ReplyDeleteI'm 5'7 and 231 pounds. But this is me after losing 30 pounds.
I think it takes zero strength to be fat and live daily life, what takes strength is walking around fat and acting like you love your body how it is (or, somehow, actually loving your fat body). That takes a lot of strength. As much as I am overweight and hating it I'm still walking around telling people "I'm fat. So what?" While inside I tell myself "No food for today, you fat fucking pig! Look at those arms, do you still want to eat??"
Even though it takes strength, tell your sister it takes even more strength act like you love yourself big, all while trying to lose weight.
The real strong people are the fat ones who lose the weight. Who care enough to realize food isn't a medicine, you don't need it to live, and, most of all, you're better off without it.
Love your blog <3 and sorry my comment was so long ^.^
It seems almost hypocritical for people to call each other hypocrites, since everyone is hypocritical at times. We aren't perfect, we're just human.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it was fair of your sister to have assumed you did not understand her, but it could have been because she is feeling rather hopeless herself and often people who feel that way forget that others have problems of their own to work out, and don't have the energy to "solve" their problems. I think perhaps she's also in a state of denial over her own insecurities. How can anyone not be insecure at some point about being overweight when most of society prefers thinness? If she wasn't insecure she wouldn't be taking the diet pills (which are mostly useless). Perhaps it's best to simply avoid any diet or weight talk at all with her and change the subject whenever it comes up... until she comes to terms with how she's really feeling.
I hope things start to calm down with your family though... I know what you mean about the lying too; seems like the more people I have to deal with the more lying I have to do just to appear normal to them, and it's incredibly exhausting.
Take care dear <3