It was slightly awkward, the girl is so confident, which, more power to her but it just makes me want to slap her when she goes on and on about how great her ass looks... who the fuck talks like that?
All the guys she was convinced were checking her out, were actually checking me out... I got dragged onto the dance floor at this bar (that doesn't even have a dance floor) by 3 different guys, all of which she thought were looking at her, but I was sitting next to her. She wasn't pleased, but I was astonished!
Then I ran into Andrew's brother, Mike. K was allllll over him, which I kind of just watched and giggled at, because he has a girlfriend that he's hopelessly in love with. Maybe I shoulda told her but considering how annoyed I was I just kept it to myself :)
It was great to hang out with him, he always tells me about how much he likes me for his brother. We get along great and just goofed off and had fun. It made me miss Andrew so much. Him and his brother are so alike (don't even go there - nothing would ever in a million years happen between Mike and I, we both know that so we can do/say whatever)
Mike was with his friend who is actually my neighbour. It was pretty funny because I pegged him as soon as I walked in the bar and said 'ooh, checkered-shirt boy is so smoking!' and then when I saw Mike we started talking again, K kept trying to butt in and flirt but he was NOT having any of it. Let's call him D. D is drop dead handsome, and he knows it. He was definitely into me, held my hand on the walk out of the bar, told me he thought I was hot, but all I could think about was Andrew. The night I told him I was going to be moving across the country for school. (which obviously didn't happen seeing as I'm still here)
Andrew met me outside of my house after I came home from a concert, he was at D's house with Mike and a few other people and he wanted to see me. He had this look in his eyes- like I was so amazing, so happy. I told him about Curtis, the guy I was seeing who was supposed to move with me, and I saw him crumble. God I am such an awful human being.
My other ex, R that I was seeing in the summer showed up. Him and his room mate, Chris (who is also K's brothers and my close friend) texted me at the exact same time when I got home telling me how amazing I looked and that they can't wait to see me next. It made me feel really special, but still, so surprising.
I've been staying on track food-wise. Yesterday I got on the elliptical but was only able to burn 80 cals I think, I can't even remember I've been so disorientated. All I ate yesterday was half of a veggie frittata I made 75 cals and a bowl of carrot ginger soup 60 cals and a 2 sugar free jello 10 cals plus a ton of water and tea. Today I've had the other half of the frittata 75 cals 1 sugar free jello 5 cals and half a single serving of veggie curry I made 75cals plus went for a 4.2 km walk but I still feel restless... It's not enough, I'm never enough.
Tuesday I'm forcing myself to go to class, my teacher kicked me out of the online group for notes, probably because I haven't shown up for presentations in 3 weeks so I HAVE to go. I'll see Andrew. I'm hoping for 125, I haven't weighed myself since I've seen 128 because there hasn't been an opportunity when I am home alone with the scale.
My mind is so hazy, I can't seem to remember the simplest things, or process things like I used to. Things that made sense suddenly don't and I feel like I'm in this constant state of confusion. Where am I? What am I doing? Who am I? What am I going to do?
Well done to your self control, I wish mine was as good as yours. I always ended up binging and purging, maybe of a eating and purging..
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thanks for your last comment, it was so straight to the point. Before my gf's statement, I wasn't going to purge or eat nutella our of the jar, I did it at the end cuz I panicked and felt like a greedy arse.
Have a lovely day. Stay Strong and Skinny.. xxx