We All Want Something to Hold in the Night, We Don't Care if it Hurts if We're Holding too Tight

Wow, I was doing so well and I decided to just let it all go. Nothing slipped away, but I just wanted to live in another world for a day, maybe two. I wanted to be a 'thin' girl in a 'normal' world, to escape the prison of my mind that tells me i'm 'fat' in 'Ana's' world... I feel so sick right now, weighed down and swollen. Every part of my body is throbbing in rhythm, in perfect times with the high pitched banshee screams telling me I failed. I know, I know.

I spent the day with Christina, talking about food and the things I wanted, to appear normal. It was like doors just automatically opened because I stood in front of them for too long, and before I knew exactly where I was going, I investigated. So much food. I think I purged all of it up, except for maybe a banana and a granola bar... But it didn't stop there! I woke up the next day, telling myself to eat nothing. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. I did keep it in-checkish. Nothing manic about eating throughout the day, and I made sure everything was healthy, just allowed myself a few allowances. (hummus on a veggie sandwich I normally wouldn't have etc)

While we we're shopping though, I was looking at new jeans. The smallest size I have is a 27 and they are too loose on me now. Turns out I can now fit comfortably into a size 24 jeans! Holy crap... I think I'm really more of a true 25, the 24 was probably just a fluke. Plus after all this eating, I'm too scared to even weigh myself, with that shitty scale that only tells me the truth sometimes, and all this food sitting in me.
I can't even remember the extent of everything I ate, I know i didn't get all of it, but the only unhealthy things I ate I made sure to get those out of there.

Do any of you do this? When I purge it's not just a slip up, eat the fridge, puke - end of story. I plan, strategize. What foods to eat together that will be easiest to purge, when to eat them, no save the pudding for after you throw up, it will feel better on your throat.. it's weird. And then I try and rationalize post-purge, no you need to eat the banana, potassium.

The next day is always the hardest. I always fight myself on what's better - to cleanse my system with nothing but clear liquids, or to eat small foods with protein and fibre to help move things along...? Do any of you have rituals pre-during-post b/p's? Or do you know of any foods that should help with acid erosion or calming your stomach? Not trying to look for some TipZnTrix, but I've been trying to do research and everything I can find is just general info on Mia, yeah thanks, not what I need!

I saw Andrew on Valentines day in class, I wanted that day especially to be the first time he's seen me. I wanted him thinking of me, the new me. Because I can't stop thinking about the two of them together. It makes me sick. He even offered to drive me home, which was nice because it was raining out.
Seeing him has made me miss him more though. The last few mornings, when I've been on the verge of waking up, I day dream these scenes with him, and they are enough to let me relax and think things are okay to get a few more hours of well needed rest.

I've made an important realization lately, that scares me.

I'm lonely.
So lonely.

It would be so nice to have someone for support, someone that sees the beauty in me when I can't. Someone to protect me, someone I can love and go out with. But every time I see potential I RUN in the opposite direction. I don't trust men. And why would I, after what I've been through. A few weeks ago my sister told me my Mom thinks I'm gay. I was devastated. The people who are supposed to be closest to me, really can't see the real me at all... I wasn't upset about the 'gay' quality, just the fact that she assumed it, didn't talk to me, and hell, I don't even blame her. I haven't had a boyfriend in years. Sure I've been seeing people on and off but nothing serious. I might very well even been gay, it's not like I haven't had experiences with girls before. But I know that I am attracted to men too, I just don't know how to heal my heart.
Half of my problem is that I'm so concerned with what other people will think. In my mind, dating someone is just another means by which to judge ME. MY choice, MY boyfriend, 'Who does she think she is?'. I don't want to be put under that scrutiny, 'he can do so much better than her!'

Lately just been dealing with a lot of self doubt, I really feel like I can't do anything right. I can't go to class, I can't present in front of a room full of people judging me, I can't make my mom happy, I can't tell my sister what to do, I can't make someone love me.
I've been craving male attention for the past few days which is so unlike me... I just want to feel sexy, and beautiful and wanted. I've spent all this money on gorgeous clothing to wear when I am tiny. I can wear all of them now, some even a bit loose. But I can't get myself out of bed to get ready, thinking of being in a crowded bar causes me a bit of anxiety.

This life is nothing but a tight rope walk to your favourite lovesick ballad; demons on either side of the wire, don't look down...We look so small from down below, maybe if we were thin enough we could float away from all this...

Love Always,

xoxo