5 day long binging really takes it out of you... remember how I have this
I am too afraid to weigh myself, I don't want to know what damage I've done. I'm praying I'm still in the 120's somewhere, it's possible.
Today my mom sister and I fought, and it was really bad. It started with a family dinner that was arranged for The Keg (even though my family knows I'm a vegetarian they choose a steakhouse) and all the usual suspects showed up. My dad, his girlfriend Claire*, my sister, grandpa, grandma, uncle, uncle's new hoe and new hoe's son.
My dad still hasn't dared so much as to reply in any means to the text I sent him so that night was already bound to be extra special. I started thinking, why am I just lying down and taking this? Why do I continue to paint this happy picture, just so that he can have his pretty picture perfect story? I don't give two fucks, and you bet your ass I'm not going to bend over backwards to achieve his happiness.
I pulled a few little stints, subtle. Because manipulation always has to be. I wore the diamond earrings, which my mom has now passed on to me, that he gave to her one christmas, and then drenched myself in her perfume that I have always known her to wear. Sat in the passenger seat as he came to pick us up and he had to crack a window and did not look happy. I smiled. My sister tells me how much I look like mom with my hair pulled up. I smile. We get to dinner, a few wise cracks about ages, and what is young. Nothing is said. Daddy orders a drink before everyone is even at the table, I know I've got to him. 3 glasses of wine later and I'm biting my tongue to make a comment about how proud I should be of my '8-martini's-later-still-standing' father.
I come home feeling like maybe I can actually win once. Maybe it's possible. I know that my feelings are valid, that what he is doing is wrong, and my emotional reaction to him is completely legitimately normal and well within reason. This is not me over reacting to something and being over emotional or over sensitive. This is fucking disgusting, and as nice as a girl as Claire is, she walked into this shit when she decided to share a bed with a 47 year old man who has a daughter not far from the age of her own.
My sister has traded teams and is now batting for Daddy, and whipped around words in the kitchen just to see the damage they caused. She told my mother that Claire and her have a better relationship than her and my mom. Stings. She told me to swallow all of my feelings so that everyone else can be happy. Ouch - because that isn't what I've been doing for years and have just NOW stopped? She blames me and my mom for putting her in the middle of situations when my grandparents whisper in her ear to try and 'fix' me when I get upset and make that her responsibility- to keep me in check. instead of the people making that her job in the first place. None of this makes sense and I just feel so defeated. My sister watches my dad break down at the table or get a little upset, and automatically has this abundance of sympathy for him. But me? Because I keep all my emotions bottled I guess I seem heartless. I finally showed her a bit of my pain today. I yelled and screamed and fought and hit myself. She rolled her eyes. There is so much she doesn't know, and so much I try and do to protect her that she's unaware of and it exhausts me. She complains about my grandparents and what they put her through, however they've been putting me in the exact same spot for YEARS now. I can't keep protecting her from all of this, and now that I'm not- she's mad about it. She wants to move out- and in with my dad. I feel like I'm loosing her.
So that's what a 5 day binge gets you, a whole lot of shit. Today I finally got my act together, haven't eaten a damn thing, just sipping diet soda so far and hitting my bong. Today is the first in 3 that I've actually gotten out of bed. How sick is that?
For now I'm going to sit in my room of candles and smoke the pain away, dreaming of a day I'm so thin everyone will be too afraid to break me. This is my outlet for pain.
I'll show you what it looks like.
It's hard as bone and thin as ice.
I'll show you what my pain looks like
im so sry abt ur sister, sometimes ppl just become much too consumed w. themselves and dnt care abt anyone else. Ur such a good older sister too, I wish she cud see how much u care about her...& dnt worry abt the binging, ull lose it in no time:) Stay strong<3
ReplyDeletestillimagining is right... people lack the ability to empathize when they're so consumed with their own problems. That's fine and all, but it isn't fine when they don't acknowledge it and end up hurting others on purpose. Your sister sounds very young and conflicted... There isn't much you really can do aside from trying to be patient and take the higher road by not engaging in her pettiness. It's not your responsibility to protect her when she doesn't appreciate it; she needs to learn by making mistakes and enduring hardship. I hope things get better for you in terms of that.<3
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