128

I DID IT!
I MOTHER FUCKING DID IT!
Just hopped on the scale, 128.0
holy, fuck.

The happiness I feel right now is incredible.

Last night, I was almost catatonic.

I had gotten a deep tissue massage after my mid term,

you'd think that would relax me into a state of bliss, but

instead it just made me feel worthless and undeserving.

Plus it just gave me more time without any distractions from my evil mind.

I came home, sat on the couch, and didn't move a muscle for hours, until bed.

I think it made my mom worry, but she kept quiet, like a good girl.

Seeing these numbers has infused me with such confidence.

I still haven't been able to go to class with Andrew yet, it's been about 6 weeks since we've seen each other, he hasn't seem me this low since before I left for Italy. I'm scared, what if its not enough? What if he hates me? What if he gets angry? What if he tries to stop me? Is that something I want... there doesn't seem to be any end. Last night I had exhausting mental arguments with myself with every forkful of mashed cauliflower I ate. The whole serving had 60 cals and it seemed like too much.

Tonight is a friends birthday party, going out to a bar-pub downtown, where Mark said he'd meet me after he finishes work. I want that sexual attention from him, I want to feel beautiful and thin. But I'm afraid to want these things because I don't believe I can actually have them.

*le sigh* the confessions of a disordered mind...

Something else on my mind, guy-related because if you can't tell, apparently my mind is a 13 year old girl, and this blog is my collection of notebook doodles and secret diary entries. An ex of mine (from high school, we dated for less than a moth one of those relationships) Anyways, we've become quite close again over the last year, but he lives in a city a few hours away for university. Point being: I've got a small crush on him, and I know he's attracted to me too, and he's becoming a personal trainer. He's trained to look at your body and analyze it, to help and heal. It's so much harder to hide around him. The fact that he's not in town regularly, but in intervals means that the last time he saw me I was about 145 lbs (HOLYFUCKFAT) and now I'm 128 and losing...
It's scary, but something I can ignore for a while, he won't be coming back home until the 20th for reading break.

I confronted my dad. 

Bear in mind, it was via text message, but that's really the only means of communication between the two of us anyways. I had had a long talk with my mom about my dads relationship with a 20 something year old. We still don't know her exact age, at first we were told 29 (I don't remember from who) but now we know she's somewhere around 27/28.. my dad refuses to outright tell anyone, probably because he knows we'd freak. To put this in perspective for you guys, I'm 20 years old. So this is throughly disgusting for me. 

I told him how embarrassed I am by him.

I told him that he's making himself out to be a joke.

I reminded him that he has a 20 year old daughter.

I told him about the texts I get from friends when they go out, wondering why my dad is sucking face with someone my age.

I told him about the guys that come up to me in class and talk about the dirty details my dad has told them over buying hockey gear.

I told him that he needs to figure his fucking shit out, for my sister.

I told him that I am livid with him, but I am not giving him the responsibility of fixing things between him and I, because it is utterly hopeless.

I told him that if he thinks my sister is okay with the decisions he's making, he's dreaming.

It kills me to watch her get hurt time and time again by a man who doesn't know what he's doing.

It kills me even more because I know exactly what it feels like.

As an older sister she is my responsibility, to protect her.

I'm not going to sit back idly and watch her get hurt.

He never responded, but picked my sister up from school and had a 3 hour long heart-to-heart cry sesh with her. She hasn't really talked about it, but she said it went well, and that she feels much better about everything. That was my goal, so the other details are subsided.

I never told my sister that I said something to our dad. I figure what doesn't hurt her, doesn't hurt her right? I'm going to let my dad have this one, let it seem like it was his idea, because she needs to believe that. That her dad actually took a second, of his own accord, and thought about her feelings.

I know it might not be 'something incredible' but I do feel really good about it. It was very empowering for me to say those things to him and not be scared, and it's nice to see that maybe I can actually make a difference, a small tiny little change.

So I think I can cross those 2 things off of my goals for 2012, no?

Anyways, still not consuming solid foods. I've been dreaming of a veggie sandwich with weight watchers bread, laughing cow cheese, tomatoes and lettuce: 160 cals... but it feels like too much. I'm going to go to restorative yoga today at 4 for some excercise, hopefully dance some calories away tonight. I'm freaking out about drinking, I'm already skipping the pre-drink but everyone's expecting the 'party girl' I used to be, dancing on tables and making out with guys in booths and after partying with dj's... I'm not that person at all anymore.

Love you all, always

xoxo