Zeds Dead, Baby

Holy crap, talk about just shedding 5 pounds? I have no idea if this is a true reading or not but I can tell that I've lost weight, my bones are much more prominent, 123.5 is another new low for me. I love the feeling, like I'm slowly descending down a staircase, floating, just hovering above the wooden steps; a slow motion fall it feels like flying.

Last night, I had an amazing night. I wore this gorgeous burnt orange top that was exposed my lower back and got so many compliments on how great I looked! All 3 of my guys friends I was with told me how hot and sexy I looked. It's twisted, but it makes me feel worthy, and accomplished. They all wanted me, and I could feel it. We went to dubstep show, Zeds Dead, not my first rodeo but it was still an amazing show. Again, I had quite a lot of anxiety over it. Christina, her bf, our friend Clift*, K, Chris and R all together, I was expected to drink, my friends we're popping mdma and I just wasn't sure what to do. I've been fasting post-binge, so alcohol and drugs probs weren't a great idea... Normally I hate last minute decisions as well but because I was with all of my best friends I got myself into a good head space and everything was fine. Last time I popped at the Dada Life concert, I must have gotten a bad batch because even after I threw up most of the pill, I couldn't sleep that night at all and the next day I was hallucinating for 10 hours, non stop. These drugs came from a really good source however, and we capsuled them ourselves so we could control quantity and I only took a very small amount. It ended up great, I had about 1.5 glasses of white wine before we left, and then 1.5 of a double rye and ginger (my fav!) and a small amount of drugs and I was great! I had only had 3 bowls of home made veggie soup that day (total 150 cals) so I was nervous I would be trashed or something, but nope, I did it! :)

The best part of the night was when Christina and her boyfriend G came back to my place and we smoked a few bowls out of my bong and just talked for a few hours. I lit all the candles around my bedroom and we just sat there, still so high and vegged and reflected on the night.

I've also had an increase in my state in paranoia... last night while I had Christina and her boyfriend over getting ready for the concert, I saw my sister and mom run into my moms bedroom with her lap top, and they were fighting a bit. Immediately I thought, ' fuck shit, i've been found out. they found my blog, everything is over'. Luckily because my reading break is now, this gives me more time alone in the house. So I snooped through my moms browser history to double check; nothing. Whewf! I really don't know what I would have done if I lost all of you!

With this new low, I've decided that I want to set some more concrete goals.
The first being: 120
then 115
110
At 115 lbs, I will be officially 'underweight' with a bmi index of 18.5, and at 110 my bmi would be 17.8.
I can't wait
seriously though :)

Love always, and everywhere

xoxo