Can this actually be happening?

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but my entire body is tingling with hope.
I'm paralyzed with possibility.

I think Andrew and Mary broke up.
I woke up this morning, after I had skipped class with him, and he sent me a message just with a " <3 "
I actually said out loud to an empty house, 'How the fuck does he do this?" I let myself 'eat' last night, all safe foods and I stayed around 900 cals for the day, but I woke up wanting more. I let myself have Special K cereal for breakfast, which is usually a big treat, but I was trying not to let myself binge the whole day away. Then I see his message and just like that, back on track.

It's that little reminder that says

"This is what you're doing this for, don't give up now..."

I hoped on the scale first thing and it said 131.5
Disgusting.
I won't see him until Tuesday and I'm craving 128, but I'm really going to have to work for it. Liquid fasting tends to be the best way to get that done so I think I might start that today and see if I can make it 5 days and drop the weight. Most of it is period bloat and the weight of the food still in me so I think it's within reach!

I have no idea how to react to this line of conversation with him. It's not even a conversation. I have been hyper vigilant about keeping our topic content appropriate. Not too personal but not cold or rude, attempting to show him that I can be good about this. I'll put him first. So this kind of came out of the blue, and I don't understand.

It's a fucking heart, what do you want?

You've already got my heart, what more do you want from me?

He's changed his profile picture from a picture of the two of them to an old one he's had for a while of him and his friend, he's deleted all the cutesy pictures of them off of his profile, she isn't anywhere on his wall. Then I tried searching her and I have her as a friend since we've run in the same Gigantic social circles but I couldn't. Did she delete me, or her account? Mid terms are coming up and she's studying to be a nurse, so she very well could have deleted her account. I really don't get it.
Trying not to over analyze, can you tell how great of a job I'm doing there?

Mark and I are supposed to go out tonight, I've ditched him twice in a row. Just couldn't have the motivation to be social. I feel like I become very fake. I want the attention and adoration he gives me when we don't spend time together, but I don't want to put the work in. He wants me to wait for him to get off work tonight at 11, and then join him and his friends, whom I've never met, and go for drinks downtown and then go back to his place, which is about an hour and a half via transit from my home.
This is so not my idea of Friday fun.
Is this what normal girls do?

How pathetic is it that I would way rather sit at home,  sip my tea and vegetable broth, watch a movie, smoke a joint, and wait for Andrew to drunk call me tonight and come over. That's our pattern.

Here's where my psychosis is breaking: My relationship with Andrew has been, in a lot of ways, predictable. Not with the boring connotation that is normally attributed with the word. Predictable in the way a coded message reads exactly what you want and need it to say, after you have the key to understanding it. I know his moves, I know his thoughts, and I love each and every part of them. In the same way, he knows me, my demeanour, what I mean to say when I can't say the things I mean, how I am feeling, he knows. It drives me crazy, in a comforting way. I value my privacy, above almost all things. But privacy is something I have not, when I am with him. Because he see's through any facade I throw at him. Subconsciously, I think that's why I've been avoiding class with him. He will see Ana in my eyes. I can't lie to him. Not out of guilt, out of sheer impossibility. I can NOT convince him something he knows is true. He will not believe me.
This is what our past experiences has taught me.

This time, there are no rules. I told him that I wanted to put a finish to all confusing details of our relationship. That this needs to be platonic. That I was done. Now, I meant what I said, but I seriously didn't. I need that to be over. I am broken because of it. I am broken without him. But did he see through that? Did he let me be because he knew that that's what I needed, that that's what was fair?

I want to believe that he needed to see if he could be who he wanted with someone else. He needed to try that. I want to believe that it didn't work between them. I want to believe that he's known this whole time that it's always been me. I want to believe that he's going to see the weight loss, take me in his arms and whisper that he loves me. I want to believe that tonight I'm going to be able to sleep because his arm will be wrapped around me again. I want to believe that he's going to realize that I'm capable of expressing emotion this time.

I never, ever, really subscribed to the idea that this was seriously the end. I do not imagine this ending, I have no idea how that would be possible, it seems unfathomable to my brain. Maybe that's a driving factor in this crazy merry-go-round game of love, or maybe this is it?
Maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I was made to live my life without brushing shoulders with any one else. That the most I could ever hope to be is not a catastrophe in anyone else's story. Maybe I don't get my own book. I should leave it alone...

Can you tell I'm calm, cool and collected?

Can you tell I'm not a nervous wreck? 

This is literally one of those lifetime, 'Sophie's Choice', moving-on moments.
Will she choose the love she vowed never to have again, the love that has broken her heart?
Or will she choose the hope of new love, and new possibilities?
Stay fucking tuned.

Not even this girl knows what's going anymore.

Love Always,

xoxo