I know if I restrict or fast for the rest of the week I can get back to at least 125. I hate how every time I get down this low, something switches in my brain and all I do is eat. I'm sick of it. I'm taking back control. Part of the reason I think I've gotten so out of control is I've stopped using my ED as a coping mechanism. Every other part of my life right now is up in the air. I haven't told anyone I'm not going to be in University next semester, I don't even know if I will. I definitely can't tell J. I think he might propose for Christmas. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm still talking to Ryan. We have such open conversations with each other and it feels nice to have someone to not lie to. Which again, is up to me, I can choose to come clean, but I let my substantial fear stand in my way. It's like I focus all of my disciplined energy into one sole entity and leave nothing for other aspects of my life. But once my ed is out of control... look out. When I'm binging, which lasts in cycles of 3 days, my room is a mess, I don't bathe, there are plates and plates of left over food scattered and I really don't care. Nothing else matters. Food is my drug and I am a lowly addict.
I'm very lonely. Even though I have a loving boyfriend, he works a very stressful job and has been going in 6 days a week for various different reasons over the last month and a half. Maybe I should be proud that I have someone who is so diligent and determined but instead all I worry about is how close he is to turning into my father. I try to compartmentalize it, I know J is not my father, that they are different people. But what happened to the man who laughed and told me, 'Fuck, I am never working 6 days a week, Fuck that!" He works hard enough as it is and it completely effects his behaviour and personality when he is with me. I just want to feel like a priority, enough so that he can put his work phone down on the 1 day off he gets to spend time with me. I feel a little bit neglected. I brought it up to him, we'll see how things go.
J's Christmas Party went well. I wined and chatted and smiled when I was supposed to, and ate half my dinner so as not to rise suspicion. J even told me that a few of his co-workers asked him where he's been hiding me, and told him that I am a keeper! :) Gave myself a little pat on the back for that one! And I promised you all progress pictures of me in my outfit for the party... I took a couple quick shots before I left, thinking that I could get better ones later in the evening but none were taken so here they are...
love always,
xoxo
I can relate so much, too much
ReplyDeleteMy anorexia has morphed in to bulimia and it is literally killing me
I'm so very tired of the merry-go-round of starve/binge/purge
I'm trying so hard this week to pre empt the binging and eat little and often as my therapist keeps suggesting
You are right, it is like a drug
It's a deadly addiction
A game of Russian roulette
I was addicted to heroin as a teenager and there is no difference
Same shit different substance
I hope you find happiness
I hope you can beat this
I hope I can too
You look beautiful in the photos x
Hey Ruby, this Merry-go-round is sickening, literally. You're definitely right, its a deadly addiction that we play chance with. I hate it as much as I love it.
DeleteI wish you peace and happiness as well, thanks :)
love always,
xoxo
I don't purge... But starving and lying and fake-eating and secretly eating and feeling dizzy and making excuses for everything definitely gets in the way of living normally.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you haven't been doing so well ED-wise these past several days. I'm sure you'll get control of this again and lose whatever weight you put on <3
And Ruby is right, as well as you are: ED's in general are drugs. And we're just the puppets on the strings.
Anyway, your dress is pretty! And I'm so glad you had a good time at the party.
Please take care <3
-Emma
Thanks Emma, I seriously hope so it's driving be crazy... and thank you!! It's actually this really plain dress I got at H&M and then I added the belt, which is from Italy. I love getting simple versatile pieces that no one will know if I re-wear ;)
Deletelove always
xoxo
I lived this most of my life. It was no way to live and I knew it but I loved it. I gave myself to be enslaved to the demons I listened to. You are right. They are demons and much more powerful than you think. You won't be able to control it. Even if you stop the bingeing purging or starving you will try to control or comfort yourself another destructive way. It'll be drugs or sex or control or fill in the blank. The only way out is to die to sin on that cross with Christ. He set me free from it all 4/5/07. He showed me what I was enslaved to was sin. He alone has the power over it. He has been healing my mind ever since and has given me new desires. I never thought I could live without being controlled by the ED and hateful voices every day or the need to get high or get laid. He has saved me from the eternal consequences in hell for my selfish vain lifestyle also! Only problem is now I live with the consequences of 15 years of such destructive treatment to my body. I am in chronic pain daily. I have debilitating intestinal discomfort. I can't work because of it all. And I don't really have any friends because I hurt too much to do anything. Please consider what you are doing to yourself in light of the love God has for you in that He sent His Son to die for the sins we play with like fire. He doesn't want this for you. He loves you. Consider your future here on earth and in eternity. If you want to be free Jesus can set you free and meet your deepest needs more than any one. I am a witness of this. But if some one would've told me this before I met Him, I would've thought they were crazy so, know I am praying for you. I know the loneliness totally and the misery of being controlled by an ED. I pray you surrender to Christ.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about a way to respond to this comment, including altogether ignoring it and who knows if you will even read this dialogue. That being said, I am a Christian. I went to Catholic elementary and high school, I went to Sunday school and Catechism and have studied my religion along with various other types of religions my entire life. I've read the CCC front to back, and have read a few of C.S Lewis' works. I may not be a scholar when it comes to religion or religious history but I am educated. I do not need someone to comment on my blog about the enlightenment you received. I know what is out there, the same way all of us suffering from ED's or addiction know and understand that we could go to rehab tomorrow if we chose to, we could tell someone to try and make us stop. But telling someone who struggles for control every day to just 'give up' control to a 'higher being' never seems logical to your audience. You said it yourself, you loved being an addict and living your destructive life.
DeleteI appreciate that this message comes from a place of caring and concern but I urge you to take it elsewhere. If God wants me, he knows exactly where to find me.
love always,
xoxo
I appreciate your response. And I will no longer be commenting on your posts. May I suggest reading John 3 to find out what Christ says about how someone becomes a follower of His (a christian) and Matthew 7:21-27 are His words about the many who will say they are His but He says they aren't. I only share this because you seem to be confused about what makes someone a christian. It sure has nothing to do with religious works otherwise the cross was pointless. I once thought I was a christian based on many of the reasons you mentioned. I didn't know that Christ said differently until I heard what Christ had to say about His followers. I quickly found out all I'd been taught was a lie leading me to hell.
DeleteAgain, I appreciate your response and I will not be commenting any longer.
I think you look gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend works ridiculous hours too, gets like 25 hours over time every week.
I know how you feel with regards to the eating, but Ive never been able to purge... My gag reflex hides whenever I've tried. So I know how it feels to binge and then just let it fester inside me.
I respectfully disagree with Chelsea, though. You can fight this! you are strong, and beautiful, and if you're already a Christian, then that's wonderful for you, but don't just convert because you're afraid of never having control back. You don't need to do that, and I don't want to offend anyone, but I think that it's very sad to give up all your personal power because you feel like you have none. It's completely wrong, you have all the power in the universe, and if you're fully dedicated, you won't need to convert just to get your life back. You can just take it back. Yes, it's hard, but it's within your power to do it.
I don't see mankind as inherently evil, and I don't see you as a sinner. You have the power to make your life whatever you want it to be.
I hope you get things figured out with J and Ryan, both sound like wonderful people, one just is very busy at the moment.
I hope you get feeling better, love!
Maybe try doing what I do: I admit that it sometimes doesn't work, but that's only because I allowed myself to falter. I have this tea that's made with cinnammon and carob, both of which are supposed to curb the appetite, and reduce cravings, it's called "Get Lost"
I just get it in the grocery store... But I'm in the U.S. if you're in the U.K. I don't know if you'd be able to get the same thing, but I'm sure there are similar ones out there. I simply love it, it's sweet, and so it gets rid of cravings for sweet things, plus it's 100% natural.
I hope you find your way out of this soon, darling! You're too wonderful to be feeling this way!
XOXO
p.s. I'd kill for a proposal from my man lol, you're so lucky!
Thanks Ayden!! :) I really appreciate it, I hate the angle my arms are at they look like giant troll finger sausage!!! LOL
DeleteI've read on a few blogs that people have trouble purging, and I guess it's hard for me to understand because it's been so easy for me. However, your curse is truly a blessing in disguise because it is truly, truly awful and the health consequences are detrimental. I hate having to make the choice after every meal whether or not to throw up.
I appreciate your feedback with the other commentator, it seems anyone can read these blogs! I agree, we do have the power to make our lives whatever we choose, that is OUR choice. We are not evil, the things that we do can be wrong, and we can be tempted by the devil but as you said, it is our choice because God gave us freewill. A lot of times I believe that religion acts as a tool for humanity to instil beliefs that we need a 'higher power' to life life. As you said, it is our choice to change our life, believing in a higher power does not encourage, hinder or decide how or what or when our lives change.
I'm in Canada so pretty close to the U.S, I'll have to check and see if I can find that tea it sounds good!
Thank you so much for your kind words, I love reading them! :)
p.s Your man is the lucky one because he's the one with you!!
love always,
xoxo
I'm reading through your blog and although a drug habit is different, the way in which it affects life is the same. I once had an opiate habit that was absolutely out of control. The guilt and the desire, the need, to do it more is crazy. The worst thing about being hooked on that crap is that there's the physical withdrawal aspect and the point does come where you want to stop taking them but you're only taking them so as not to get sick. It's an insanely futile battle. I had to make the decision that I was gonna bare the withdrawals and the anxiety and depression...it was the best decision I ever made. I'm in agreement with what was said about us having control over ourselves. I'm living proof that we can do the most difficult of things if only we know we can.
ReplyDeleteI realize this post is old and may no longer be valid but my comment remains. You can do anything you want.