Short and Not Sweet

I lost control yesterday, I ate everything I had my hands on. I won't post everything I ate as I know it can be triggering for some people and that's the last thing I want. It wasn't good. The good news is I'm pretty sure I purged it all back up. The weird thing is, everything I ate (except for one thing) was just massive amounts of my 'safe foods'

Today I feel awful. But not emotionally, physically. My stomach has been making noises all day long, just moving and stretching. It's grumpy. And so I would be after all that stretching and purging. I ate until I was in so much pain I had no choice but to purge. Then I went and binged again, and purged just because I could and because I knew that would be the only comforting fact in the morning.
Today all I've had is 1 coffee with 1/4 cup almond milk 20 cals a source yoghurt 35 cals and a total of a cup and a half of mashed cauliflower with 2 slices laughing cow cheese 90 cals (find the recipe here)
Making my total 145 calories
Fuck. Yes.
Back in control.

Also I had my date with Mark tonight! We went to this great bar that I've been meaning to check out, I had an interview there a few months back, I didn't get the job but the place is so wicked! Super divey and hipster with an actual train that choo choo's all the way around the ceiling of the place.
I stuck to my one rye and ginger, so I guess I need to add that to my intake but I'm still happy.
The date went really well.

Something just kinda clicked in my head tonight... The whole thought hasn't quite finished forming in my brain... But I realized that the guys I imagine myself dating, being all protective and attentive and swooning, are the ones that piss me the fuck off in real life. When I'm on a date with someone I expect him to act a certain way, I think in my mind it would be 'overly kind'. But in reality that just drives me mental! When I was on my date, Mark was talking about this other guy at the bar and made a joke kind of making fun of him and at first I was like that wasn't nice, and then I realized it was funny and I would have said the exact same thing if he hadn't had said it and it just kinda clicked... Little things he was mentioning that kind of maybe would have sounded, not bad but just.. 'why does that bother you/ matter' type of thing, and I realized that the things he hates are the stupid things I hate too!
I know it's weird and it might not make sense but it is what it is.

He asked me out for dinner tomorrow night, I've got class until 5 30 and he lives over an hour away. The plan was to go for dinner and then go back to his house to smoke pot. I want to try and be good with this one, I don't plan on sleeping with him right away so maybe I'll just stick to our dinner plans. How the HELL am I supposed to plan this into my day though?! I can only eat mushy foods which he knows so I can't really order a salad off of the menu... plus I'm a vegetarian which thank god limits my options but I don't want to be stuck looking weird if I pass on the bread and that's the only thing I really can eat...
I don't like not being able to plan ahead if you haven't noticed.

Le Sigh. Time for bed my lovelies.
I'd also love it if anyone reading this could post some love and support for someone in our community who is hurting, for another member of our community who may have taken his own life. (Click here)
We need to support one another, we are all each other has. The after math of feeling alone and un supported can be devastating so please, take the time today to show each other that we are listening

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xoxo