Bangarang

Another day, another high. I'm on a whackload of pain killers because my mouth is killing meeee (wisdom teeth removed) I love the feeling. The beautiful floating feeling. The inability to do anything independent is crucial... I can't even walk on my own. My legs feel like wilted tree twigs, and I can barely make it up the stairs. Why do I love the things that hurt me?

I woke up this morning, pulled off my clothes and started into the mirror. I saw my ribs. I smiled. I'm still waiting for the moment the curve of my hips are less obvious than the curve of my breasts. I'm tired of feeling like a pear.

When I went to the dentist before my surgery they weighed me. For those of you who have been following me you know how big of a treat this is because I do not own a scale. If I was to buy one it would become far too obvious how extreme my dieting has become, and my family has already noticed the weight loss so the less attention the better.
I was freezing cold in the office, I had a pair of leggings, a thick pair of sweatpants, a tank top, slouchy sweater top, thick guys hoodie on and rain boots.. and I weighed at 63 kg... They wouldn't let me take any of my clothes off. That puts me at 141 lbs with all that crap on, I figure I can subtract 3lbs from that for a more accurate weight, maybe more but the last thing I want to do is assume I'm smaller than I am.. so that makes my weight around 138 lbs which I am happy about. I'm very happy I'm out of the 140s, but I cannot weight (lol) until I taste the 120's again.

I skyped with the boy I have a date with next week, last night. I was in the dark because it was 3 am and I didn't want him to see me. I hadn't showered and was all post-op and gross. We skyped for about an hour and half way through he told me that he actually could see me from the light off my laptop, but didn't want to tell me because he thought I was beautiful and didn't want me to move. It made me feel really nice, something I hadn't felt in a while. It makes me feel even better because when I first met this guy, I was fatfatfat. Probably close to ugh 150 lbs maybe a bit more...  I hate that he's seen me like that, but at the same time he was attracted to me and continued to give me his time an attention. In some warped way I feel like he now deserves to be with the thin version of me. It's motivating me even more.

Andrew has posted more pictures of him and Mary being all cute and in love. Thinking about it puts tears in my eyes. No control. He hasn't said anything about the weightloss, though he has been pushing food a bit. I know he's noticed but I don't think he knows how to bring it up. He saw me go through all of this before, plus the cocaine addiction. He knows whats happening. I don't know what to think.

So far today I've had:
1/4 of egg beaters 30 cals
2 peices of laughing cow cheese 45 cals
1/2 cup of almond milk 30 cals
2 Tbsp of protein powder 20 cals
dash of cinnamon 0 cals
splenda 0 cals
6 shots of espresso  approx 6 cals
Bringing my total so far to 131 cals

And I'm so stoned on pills I don't even notice my hunger. Last night though I made my split pea soup which I think I'll have for dinner but I'm waiting until my mom gets home so she can see me with food.
I've posted the recipe for this soup before but for my new followers I'll mention it again:

SPLIT PEA SOUP

2 cups frozen peas: 200 cals

2 cups of water: 0 cals

1 onion, chopped (size doesn't matter it will be processed):  30 cals

2 cloves of garlic, sliced (or more to taste!): 0 cals

2 stalks of celery, sliced: 0 cals

Combine all ingredients into a bot and bring to a boil, let simmer for 20-30 mins. (make sure celery is soft) Then pour all contents into a blender, and blend on high until smooth. Add salt and pepper to taste.

The whole recipe has 230 cals and makes about 4 servings!!! making each serving just less than 60 cals!

This is great to make when your family is watching, because you can even go back for a second bowl and keep the whole meal under 120, plus its super filling!

 Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xoxo